bootlegbootlegs

[bootlegbootlegs]

“Stop thinking so much about vampires.” No. You start thinking about vampires MORE.

[bootlegbootlegs]

Remember, being kind is punk rock. Being overly polite due to anxiety is prog rock. A hug is alt rock unless it goes on too long then it's folk rock. Empathy is third wave ska. Being mean, though, is not punk rock. Bc being mean is pop punk

[bootlegbootlegs]

when people are like “the hunger games just stole the plot of battle royale” like listen everything steals from the plot of everything the lion king is just furry hamlet westworld is jurassic park but sexier lost is edgy gilligan’s island there are no original stories and the only good piece of media is jennifer’s body

[bootlegbootlegs]

kitten, stop fucking around and tell daddy where you hid his prozac or daddy's gonna add another 'hey there delilah' to the sex playlist

[bootlegbootlegs]

sorry i covered your neck in dark hickeys and clamped down hard on your throat like limp prey while i was giving you a handjob. you whimpered a little too soft and i blacked out and believed myself to be a feral dog in possession of an entire rotisserie chicken

[bootlegbootlegs]

kabru is so fucking funny. he’s out here playing 15 dimensional manipulation mind chess with a guy whose hobby is barking like a dog

[bootlegbootlegs]

[bootlegbootlegs]

[bootlegbootlegs]

my mom was trying to chew through some really tough steak and she turned to me and said “just call me The Gnawer.” she would do numbers here

[bootlegbootlegs]

i think i would enjoy grazing. were i a cow ...

[bootlegbootlegs]

Taking acid while pregnant to awaken my fetus’s consciousness and make it psychic

[bootlegbootlegs]

Can't decide whether it's funnier to say "my hungry ass could never work at a" and then say something that implies you're eating something truly grotesque or something that just, makes no sense

[bootlegbootlegs]

i hate when i send someone a meme in another language and they're like "uhm... translate? 😒" fucker i sent you a meme where 90% of the words have an english cognate and/or you don't need to know what they're saying to find it funny. can you at least TRY

[bootlegbootlegs]

I hate the “open floor plan” that everyone is obsessed with in houses now. I want nooks and crannies and bizarre floor plans. I don’t need to be able to see what someone is doing on the other side of the house. I want places to hide and lurk and dwell in the shadows. I am the beast who awaits in the labyrinth

[bootlegbootlegs]

[bootlegbootlegs]

[bootlegbootlegs]

What the sneef? I'm snorfin' here!