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Another day of why am I broken. I hate certain behaviors of mine but how do I stop them? I don't want to french kiss my husband, by no fault of his own. I also want intimacy in my terms. Not fair to him but how do i get over it? I don't always get satisfied, but again not all of his fault, though some of it is. It makes me sad and I'm sure there's a bit of feeling inadequate because of it. I keep thinking if I hadn't been groomed then fucked by that guy, would things be better? I feel like I blocked all of that out, which means I didn't come to terms with what happened. I also don't think I was strong enough as a teen to handle it then. Can I get back to being me? I'm so so tired. Feeling more hopeless every day. This world is shit. It's a horrible place where there are more bad people than good people at this point. I felt like I needed a break so I dropped my kids off at church, then sat in the car the whole church session. I felt weird and bad about it but I needed the break. Didn't go home because what if something happened in church? It's horrible but that's what I did.
Does the world end soon? I kinda wish it would. It's so hard to deal with. Work, kids, a messy household, dealing with trauma feelings. The kids alone are a lot. I know they should be in karate, gymnastics, sports, but i don't have the money or the time.
God has been calling people home instead of keeping them here. It's great for them but awful for those left behind. I see it time and time again. A family member pleading, praying and hoping their loved one lives or a miracle happens, only for them to pass. I don't question this, I just know it is happening. You don't here too much about miracles. Are they happening less or are we just not hearing about it? I hope to not be in that position if finding out.
Lately I feel like I am very unlucky. So feeling like I'm cursed. An actually curse that someone put on me. I don't know of anyone I made mad enough to curse me but you never know. I try to do good acts to maybe counteract it but doesn't seemed like it worked yet. Maybe it won't. Maybe this is what I get.
I now am more hopeful that I stay but it's only for my kids. They can't live without me nor should they. I try to impart as much knowledge on them as i can but it's difficult. How much do you do? My son is VERY smart so there's a fine line. Don't give him too much to process. My daughter is confident but I feel like she's a bit too confident. I don't want her to get mixed in to the wrong crowd. My son needs confidence but gets to the point of bragging a ton about himself when I don't think he actually means it.
These are the struggles, but are you all dealing with them?
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All is well, of course they didn't find anything. It's actually frustrating. You want a diagnosis, otherwise you are this way and there's nothing you can do. I will continue to feel exhausted, have chest pains, weird feelings, and not more why. No hope. I give up on trying to figure out out. Spent a lot of money just to hear you are fine. Hopefully I don't drop dead. I can't leave my kids like this. They are so happy, healthy and great.
As I'm working through life, I'm getting epiphanies. When they strike, it brings lots of emotions. Enlightened feeling, sad and angry. What did I figure out this time? The grooming from my friend's father made me more conscious of "flirting". I thought, well if I don't talk to guys maybe they won't be able to groom me. Maybe I opened the door to it. So what did I do? I was rude to guys. Sister's boyfriend? Don't talk to him. Cousin's husband? Avoid as if you are stuck up. I come across as stuck up. It has been that way forever but it's not really who I am. I lost who I was when I was groomed. Had to shed that profile to find one that would be more safe. I miss being me. She's stuffed down there somewhere but can't come out to play. She experienced enough, too much. She has to stay down in order to maintain the feeling of being ok.
You really have no idea how much a groomed girl suffers. I thought it ended forever ago. It happened when I was 13-19 ish. I'm mid 30s now. Why does it affect me now? Is it because I never fully dealt with it? What does dealing with it look like? Do I need counseling? Or does just having these epiphanies help? It does help me understand more but is it enough? I won't know until I keep going through life. Am I handling it? I think so. I keep thinking, do I need to tell someone what happened? I keep thinking it has to be my friend, who isn't really a friend. We lost touch years ago friendly but don't talk. Why do I keep feeling like telling her? Anonymously is my preference but I think she will know who even if I text from an unknown number. What will happen? Will it have any affect? More importantly, will anything good come from it? Will it just destroy something with no good reason why? Nothing criminally will happen. Sex assault or molestation has expired. Plus, I'm not sure him going to jail will do anything now. Are there other victims? Could I have been the only one? I don't know. I lived next door, so he had more access than some of the other kids. Or at least as far as I know.
I'm probably going to keep it for now. Holding it back couldn't do anymore damage. Unless he has access to other kids right now? He's in another state, so I know nothing. He always told me I was the only one, but that could be false. Why would he tell me he's done it to others? He needs to make me feel special, which he did. I kept coming back to his house to feel special. To have that father figure I was missing.
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Surgery tomorrow, but something really minor. I will be completely under though, so there becomes the risk I guess.. I have written or rather created a little goodbye video just in case which is very somber.. It's kind of hard to do you never really know what to say in those. I'll hope that I get to delete that when I come out of surgery but just in case I want them all to know that I love them so much.
Being a parent is really hard. It feels like one little mistake and your can mess them up for life. I feel like I've done that with my son already. He has a depressive side to him and hes only 5. Did I cause that? Was it a combination of things? My husband could also be so negative, so I wonder if that's partially where he got it from. Not that I want to blame anyone but kind of hard to figure out where that could have came from if we didn't cause it. I'm so afraid to lose him, hes so young and has a ton to live for. He is insanely smart. Probably too smart at this point.
My daughter is a spitfire. Wild, beats to her own drum and free spirited. My goodness she is so much like me stubborn, strong-willed and brave.
I feel like sometimes they are better off without me. If I mess them up, I won't be able to get over that. If I lose them, I'm definitely gone.
I feel like something is wrong. Tons of tests but nothing conclusive. It doesn't help that I'm not great at describing my symptoms. Something I wouldn't even have thought of could be a symptom but I overlook them. I hope to not leave my kids but you never know when it is your time. I've been thinking about death a lot lately but I'm not suicidal. I don't want my life to end, mainly because it will screw up the kids so much. My husband can't raise them alone. He can barely take care of himself. I wonder if some people get the intuition that they are going to die. Does everyone feel that way?
I know I think differently than most so I'm constantly in my head. I wish I could be free of thoughts for just a min. I'm kinda hoping that the surgery will do that for a bit as I feel like I just need to recover a bit. I'm old, tired, burned out and running on empty. It's back to the same ol same ol when it comes to cleaning. Just one maid to clean up after 3 crazy people. They spill and leave it, crush food, then spread it and cause mayhem whenever possible. Spent 3 hours of the house, didn't even complete half of it. If this life? How do we get everything done? Doesn't seem possible
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Surgery tomorrow, but something really minor. I will be completely under though, so there becomes the risk I guess.. I have written or rather created a little goodbye video just in case which is very somber.. It's kind of hard to do you never really know what to say in those. I'll hope that I get to delete that when I come out of surgery but just in case I want them all to know that I love them so much.
Being a parent is really hard. It feels like one little mistake and your can mess them up for life. I feel like I've done that with my son already. He has a depressive side to him and hes only 5. Did I cause that? Was it a combination of things? My husband could also be so negative, so I wonder if that's partially where he got it from. Not that I want to blame anyone but kind of hard to figure out where that could have came from if we didn't cause it. I'm so afraid to lose him, hes so young and has a ton to live for. He is insanely smart. Probably too smart at this point.
My daughter is a spitfire. Wild, beats to her own drum and free spirited. My goodness she is so much like me stubborn, strong-willed and brave.
I feel like sometimes they are better off without me. If I mess them up, I won't be able to get over that. If I lose them, I'm definitely gone.
I feel like something is wrong. Tons of tests but nothing conclusive. It doesn't help that I'm not great at describing my symptoms. Something I wouldn't even have thought of could be a symptom but I overlook them. I hope to not leave my kids but you never know when it is your time. I've been thinking about death a lot lately but I'm not suicidal. I don't want my life to end, mainly because it will screw up the kids so much. My husband can't raise them alone. He can barely take care of himself. I wonder if some people get the intuition that they are going to die. Does everyone feel that way?
I know I think differently than most so I'm constantly in my head. I wish I could be free of thoughts for just a min. I'm kinda hoping that the surgery will do that for a bit as I feel like I just need to recover a bit. I'm old, tired, burned out and running on empty. It's back to the same ol same ol when it comes to cleaning. Just one maid to clean up after 3 crazy people. They spill and leave it, crush food, then spread it and cause mayhem whenever possible. Spent 3 hours of the house, didn't even complete half of it. If this life? How do we get everything done? Doesn't seem possible
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Been more and more frustrated lately. So hard to control the emotions when you are seething inside. Hard to not yell at the hubs since he doesn't help much. Hard to not yell at the kids when they are being their worst.
Gonna break off something doesn't give. There's a bunch of small irritations that keep happening. I do feel cursed sometimes. An unnatural force that will make it what i drop my phone in an unattainable spot until i pull over. I grab the only bag of walnuts that's already open. I get some naked juices that are already expired.
I'm tired, feeling draining in several ways. I do find happiness though, which is the positive I hold on to. I've been trying to be a light to everyone, but no one seems to return the favor except my 2 year old. Man can she brighten my day. She loves me endlessly. You can see it when she is staring at me. She studies my face, no words, just looks she's giving me. She will rub my arm or my head. She will put me to sleep and give me her favorite stuffy that she can't live without. She will also get me a blankie. Her love for me it unending and I cannot get enough. She's the best in the world. I can't live without her.
I always wonder if the best always things get taken away. I'm almost afraid to love her too much. If I do, will God take her? He's been taking so many lately, it feels like no one is safe. It's a better place they get to go, but we are stuck down here missing them. I would not survive without her sunshine, her light.
A previous coworker recently passed. I can't say I knew her well, but I do know she was a great lady who was loved. I felt like she probably wasn't going to make it out of her sickness, and I was right. God is choosing to take them now. If someone close to me gets sick, I'm inclined to think they will not make it. They will join God. Happy for them, but again sadness for us.
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Kinda going through something unexpected. So long ago I was groomed and molested by a family friend. The grooming ended up in sex of course but he did wait until I was 18. Not rape, but to me it kinda was. He normalized his advances. His hands all over me. Abnormal kisses when he hugged me goodbye. Massages and suggestive messages. This all started when I was around 14 or so. He was my friend's dad, so I was over there often. I think 4 out of 5 visits, he was "hands on". I was so nieve when I was young but also desperate for a fatherly figure. He knew that and exploited it. I wonder how many others there are. I wonder if he went all of the way with them too. A few people know about it but I struggle with the idea, should I tell others? According to the law, nothing can be done. In the end, I went over there knowing he would continue his campaign to fuck me? Have sex with me? Devirginize me? Not sure the right phrase. I said I wanted it, hence it not being rape but it was too keep him being fatherly to me. I thought that I needed to give him that to keep him paying attention to me. He knew what he was doing was wrong, as when he was taking off my clothes, he said, should I? A question to himself. He must have thought it through and determined his needs above mine because he then draped me on the side of the spare bed, feet hanging off, me staring at the ceiling. I'd like to say he was gentle to start, but no. He thrust himself in me, grabbed my hips and kept thrusting. My eyes closed the whole time. Him grunting as he kept entering. At some point, he came. Seemed like forever but I'm sure it was only a few mins. He stood me up and something unexpected for me, blood came pouring out. I had no idea how any of it worked, so I didn't know that your first time ends with some grand finale. He got me dressed and sent me home, which was 2 doors down. There was no rush of pregnancy since he was neutered.
I'm sure after that, he had to rush and clean up the mess. I bled on the comforter and either white or cream carpet.
What happens directly after? I'm not sure. That has been blocked out I guess as I can't remember. We did have sex at least 2 more times. I remember one of those he mentioned I actually kept my eyes opened. I know I didn't enjoy any of those times but I was doing what I thought I had to in order to keep that father figure. I was just his 18 year old that he got to defile.
As I got older, I realized it was wrong. I stopped going over there. I think my friend knew her dad was "flirty" with her friends as she asked if her dad offended me or did something. Of course I lied. I went into a small spiral but nothing destructive like drugs or alcohol. I acted out a bit, seeked a new fatherly figure. Tried to date older men but my mom quashed those thankfully. There was one guy I did go to his apt, it seemed like we would have sex but he stopped short of it. What a good guy. I did have a banging body, was in beautiful black lacy lingerie and was ready for him to take me. He didn't. I'm so glad he had self control.
Never went out again. That was hard for me but it was definitely for the best. Thanks Brent, you saved me a bit of self worth.
Why is this all coming up now? It was like 13 ish years ago? I already had my spiral a few times. Never resorted to alcohol or drugs but definitely have had sex with more guys than I would have liked.
There was one guy, Mike. He was perfect from what I could remember. He introduced me to sushi, family guy and home in the wall places I would have never tried. We didn't have sex right away but eventually did. He was gentle and kind. I really liked him. We must have dated a few months. At some point I thought, well he must be getting tired of me. He didn't do anything to make me think this but I assumed I was only good for sex. Didn't think a guy would think me more than someone to have sex with so I just cut him off altogether. I don't know why I did that. Never saw him again. I wonder what would have happened if I would have had some self worth or self esteem, would we have gotten married? Could he have been the one? I still wonder about him. I'm sorry Mike, you met me at the wrong time.
In first dates, I never wanted to have sex but I also didn't want to say no. I was definitely a one night stand a few times. It was just what I thought I was good for anyways.
How did I get out of it? Not sure. I really don't remember much of my childhood or early adulthood. Splotches here and there. Some important events, others are very mundane.
I now have feelings, which I didn't feel I had when I was younger. Those might have gone out the window to cope with the betrayal my friend's dad caused me. I didn't feel for others. When 9-11 hit, my friend cried for those who lost their lives or lost lives ones. To me, I had no feeling about it. Movies, tv or sad news never caused me any feeling. I was like a robot. Functioning but unable to feel anything physically or mentally. I'm glad my feelings are back but it took a long time.
Now you might wonder, are you still on contract with him? Friendly with him? See him? I did up until a few years ago. He moved out of state. We have always maintained a friendly (platonic) relationship after it. He would of course have continued to have sex with him if I allowed it but my conscience grew. He was (still is) a married guy, my friend's dad. Plus I don't want to give him the satisfaction again.
Every time he would see me, he would squeeze me, smell my hair and kiss my neck. Every time. If I was to see him today, it would be the same thing. I think I was his first virgin. I think he had tried with others but I'm not sure he completed the grooming process.
I grapple with should I tell his wife? His daughter?(she's in her mid 30s, so she isn't young persay) the only reason I would is so that he doesn't do it to others. Yes he's older but he is VERY charming. They moved because he was fucking some 21 year old and the wife found out. The wife packed up everything and went to another state after finding a job. He joined shortly after, so did his daughter and her family. It was sudden and fast. I don't really know what I want for him. I don't want to destroy a family which if I told, it would. If he's not grooming another girl, then no harm/ foul, so I wouldn't want to interfere. To me, this issue is dead. I'm mostly passed it, and am at peace. Again, I would only want to say something if others are in danger. What do I do?
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We made it! Marital counseling was tough but we only needed about 8 sessions to get down to it. He was punishing me for something I consider small. I don't even remember the whole scenario but my step father gave him a book, my hubs going it offensive and told me his misgivings about it. He specially told me not to tell them. In the interest of trying to keep their relationship in good terms, I told them so that they would know what not to do. Boy did that implode the whole relationship. You'd think I cheated, which I've had to really work at to make sure I have not done up to this point. He literally tanked our entire 10 years because of that. My intentions weren't bad but now I see that he basically saw me as selling him out. He basically stopped trusting me at that point and never opened up again. That manifested into so many different things. Resentment, lack of respect, lack of interest in acting as one.
It took us 8 sessions to figure this out. Once we did, poof! Brand new relationship, brand new husband. He's nothing like that other version. Less angry, WAY more helpful, understanding, caring, ect. I was at the end when we went into the last session, thinking if he doesn't tell me what's up, we're done. After all, how can you keep a great or even good relationship with someone who doesn't trust you or show you are worth anything.
I still have things to work on. Hubs got covid and I found myself struggling to be the doting wife that would take care of her hubs. Sadly it took some internal back and forth to get myself to baby him or comfort him. Why? Well I've not felt like he had put in the effort, so why me? Obvs not the right thing so I am working on it. It was eye opening to figure that out though. Being aware is half the battle most of the time you don't know your faults so you shoot blindly, hoping to hit a target, a trait that is negative.
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I'm back. Things are great and terrible at the and time.
The good:
My 4yo is in preschool and doing amazing. He's really smart. I'm so proud and love him so much. Not much because of anything I did, he's just naturally smart and drawn to learning. If anything, I'm hindering him. Parenting is hard. He's picky, strong willed, and can get very angry. It's hard to know what to do in those situations. He can't control his emotions. Yelling at him won't do anything, bribing or threatening won't help and I don't spank him, wouldn't help either. Leaving him alone is the only option as I've tried reasoning with him but he isn't listening while uncontrolled. The tantrums are lessening but they still happen. Advice would be appreciated. Other than that, he's great. Smart, loves to sing, draws really well. He has a lot of understanding, which is great and terrible at the same time.
My 2yo, OMG. She's amazing. I love her so much. She is sassy, sweet and smart. She's absolutely beautiful. She can speak so well but she is stubborn, strong willed and sassy. She is throwing tantrums too but not as bad as my 4yo.
Now for the bad.
My marriage. Marriage is tough. We have different views of the same situation. He's one of the most selfish people I know. He wasn't always this way. He was pretty selfless before our maybe he hid it well. After we had kids, it came out in full view. He went into self preservation mode. He thinks that when you have kids, you still get to sleep in until 10a. He had not given me the opportunity to sleep in even once. I have hinted, nudged and straight up asked, but he still won't do it. Helping clean is also a huge issue. He thinks that because he works 2nd shift he shouldn't have to help clean. He doesn't do any vacuuming, dusting, mopping, scrubbing, folding, sorting, putting away laundry, ect. His small list of tasks he sometimes does is trash, cat boxes, dishwasher, water plants, car stuff and picking up toys.
It was not as bad before but lately it has been terrible. It has been exasperated by my health issues. In all honesty, I think I'm dying. I could be wrong and hope I am for my kid's sake. Their father is hardly able to take care of them. He does barely the bare minimum. Won't potty train, won't schedule visits they need, won't take them anywhere. He won't feed them decent meals. He doesn't cook.
At times I'm so exhausted, I feel like giving up. Calling it quits, hoping that whatever health issues I have take me out. This world is terrible, tough and unfair. I would be better off not in it. It's tough to get to where I am mentally (for me) but my marriage has brought me there. He doesn't really care about me. I'm just the caretaker for the kids and house. I bring in a bit of money. But it is all for him he thinks.
That just wears down on you so much, you get so low. I'm not ever suicidal but alas, here I am now. Don't think I will do it but definitely feel like I won't fight if death is coming and I have a choice.
But what about the kids? This world will be terrible for them too. It makes me think we should die in a car crash together, hopefully no pain. Or maybe we have a party in the running car on the garage til we fall asleep? Sounds peaceful and great. I won't do any of it but I won't mind if it happens. I get why some people take the kids too. It isn't selfish, it is merciful.
God keeps me from doing these things. I need to get to heaven with them and I don't think I get to if I go through with it. So we are safe. No worries. I guess that means we suffer.
I will try to fix my marriage, we are going to counseling but it isn't really helping. It basically gave him some excuses to keep with those behaviors. So that probably means divorce. Hopefully not soon because of the kids. I pray and pray that he changes but it might be that we were meant to procreate and that's it. What is the next part of the story? Time will tell.
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So much changed
Since my last post, a lot has changed. I ended up having a baby, she's a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way. What a blessing.
Things have been going well, but today happens to be one of the more shitty days I've had in a while. It's one of those days were nothing seems to go right in everything is against you. Big things, small things, everything in between. Honestly I feel like someone put a curse on me and it is working very well. But you just deal with it and move on. I'd like to put a hole in the wall though.
Do I deserve a curse, not sure. I don't feel like I've done anything particularly badly lately. I have actually even been better at not cussing around my kids. The time when I typically have bad thoughts would be when I'm driving. People drive like shit. And that's when I can't control my anger.
Not sure if I'm warranted in my extreme anger today, but a few of my issues are the following:
I made an amazing tasting smoothie. All kinds of berries, the nice ripe banana, chia seeds and even some spinach, all blended together with some orange juice. I put it next to the breast pump as I was going to pump, and naturally it falls on the couch and spills everywhere. Not one bit left for me. A devastating accident.
Other annoyingly small issues are all over the place. The baby peeing as i am putting her into a new outfit, so i have to get another new outfit. 2 of the games that I play refuse to let me come close to winning. Words with friends being one of them. I either get all vowels or all consonants. I generally don't get a nice easy mix of both. So I typically can't win any games because everyone else seems to get all the great letters, along with vowels and consonants evenly. The other stupid game I play would be candy crush. I get stuck on the same level for days at a time. I was preparing a bottle for my daughter, and I know I put the lid on correctly come up but of course somehow it's still spills all over. If any of you are breastfeeding or pumping, you know it is the worst thing ever. This brings me to the other small issues I am having. Pumping enough breast milk for my kid. It is the worst thing, it's painful, your boobs getting gorged, and you still don't make enough. And probably pumping about 5 hours A-day, and getting about half of what my kid needs. I've tried all the tricks to increase supply, but naturally doesn't work for me. I'm not going to fret over it anymore, I'll do what I can give her what I have, and supplement the rest. That's just what it is.
My older child decided to be a little bit tougher on me today. Hes generally pretty easy but lately hes been a little high maintenance, but I know it is because the new born, but it is still hard to deal with sometimes.
I also might have some infection or sepsis or something. Had to go to urgent care who then sent me to the ER because of my symptoms. They couldn't figure out where the infection was, so they gave me fluids and sent me home. Now I get to wait for results. Just another great thing that's going on. And also worries my family for now driving me crazy asking how I am doing. I don't really know how I'm doing. I'm a new mom again, lacking sleep, struggling with pumping and having all these stupid little things annoy me. I'm supposed to ask my husband for more help, but he can be touchy. it's just sometimes not worth it.
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Go numb
When i was younger, i had this handy ability to go numb. Not feel anything, just ambivalent. Didn't get sad, happy or angry. Just didn't react. I was able to get over that and finally became more human. Now i want to get that ability back i have decided that maybe it was better to not feel. Hard to tell what is better, feel but experience pain or not feel and just be blah.
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Doing better
So much has happened. The baby is alive and will. We will be having a little girl in July. Thank God! I survived planning my 2 year olds birthday. It was awesome.
After this girl comes, no more kids. People always ask if I'm sure. Without a doubt, I'm sure. You can't let kids outnumber you. 2 is a great number for us. One boy, one girl. No need to overpopulate.
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It's alive!
I am very blessed and am thanking God, my baby is still alive. My pregnancy is a tough one but i think we can make it thru. Still don't know what it is but just thankful it is hanging in there.
My grandma died today. She was old, had Alzheimer's and dementia so it was "expected". I am still sad even though i knew it was coming. I can't help but to think she might be holding my miscarried baby before me. I hope so. I still feel cursed but I'm going to fight thru it. It can't last forever, right?
Im tired, goodnight
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Relief, for now
The baby is still alive, but I have a prolapsed uterus. My uterus is literally falling out of my vagina. Yay me! Just another slap to the face. I have no idea if this affects the baby and how bad it is. I guess we carry on.
The husband has been exceptionally cranky and a debbie downer. I foolishly thought it would change when he got a new job, i was wrong. I can't help but to think it is me. I an definitely a pain in the ass, sloppy, and currently fat. He gave a very unenthusiastic ok when I propositioned him for sex. If that doesn't make you feel low, i don't know what will. Oh well I guess, just not talk about it and let it build. At least i will have great kids out of it. I loved my husband before but this cranky asshole I am living with currently is awful. Don't know what to do, not much i can do. I guess life just sucks sometimes and you just deal
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Here we are again
Tears streaming down, I probably lost this one as well. 3 months of suffering and another loss comes of it. I don't know if i am cursed or this is karma or what but i feel like I've been kicked enough. Whatever lesson I'm supposed to get, i get it. I am now just a fat, unkempt sad person. You've won, i lost.
Tomorrow i find out, but get to get molested in the mean time by Dr. Touchy Feely. What a great life.
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FML
Well, new development, I'm pregnant again but i probably already screwed this one up. I didn't know i was pregnant and i got sick so i was on antibiotics, steroids and cough syrup with codeine. All bad things. When does it get better, hopefully there is a light but my husband is dark, still my light is dimming.
I think God is punishing both of us. My husband has been miserable at his job and it snuffed him out a while ago. I miss the happy, funny, carefree man i had. He's applied to a job, was told he got it and 5 months later, still going thru the process. They seem to be jerking him around, asking for paperwork, he sends it in, they confirm, then a month later, ask for it again. 5 months of this. His current job was notified he is applying elsewhere, now they changed his shift. We have an almost 2 year old and my husband doesn't get home until 3a. I leave at 630a, the child typically wakes at 8, but sometimes 7 or 730a. Not a lot of sleep.
What could we have done? What can we do to better it? I recovered from the first miscarriage, but not mentally, then i get sick for a month, now I'm pregnant and still sick. WTF. It has to get better, this crapfest can't be our lives. Something must change soon.
Im working on mentally preparing to lose this one, but i am still mentally battling with the last one. Maybe there is hope, maybe this one can hang on and thrive. I will do what i can. Still hoping God's got me.
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Healing
Im feeling better but still emotional. I'm surrounded by pregnancy which is a punch to the heart every time. I'm sure I deserve it but hopefully the bad stops soon. Needing a break, Vegas didn't do it for me because pregnancy was there too. This is probably just the way it is and i should accept it. Life was fairly easy and i had luck go my way but no more. I must suffer due to whatever. Part of life i guess.
I often think of someone who would have been terrible for me but i feel like he could comfort me in ways no one else can. We had a special connection, one i haven't felt with anyone else. He would have been a terrible spouse for me but the best friend for me. I miss him, wish i could see him, but he would never be the love for me. Too selfish and mean. But we had a connection that i miss. I sometimes wonder if i should have tried it out, the typical "he can change". It wouldn't be fair to him. I cut him off cold turkey, neither of us prepared for such as action but it was necessary since j found the love of my life. I want to reach out and talk to him but it would be terrible for both. He probably has found his other half and again he wasn't my love, though i did love him. Possibly still do, but different than how i do with my husband.
With that, i sign off. Im probably too drunk to make coherent sentences, so goodnight
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Getting tougher
I could just be hormonal, but it seems everything is running and so am I. I'm losing the flame in me a lot faster than before. It's merely a wick that has a bit of red but slowly becoming just smoke.
I'm religious, which means I have hope, but also means I'm extremely conflicted. No one will ever convince me that God doesn't exist. He does and has been in my life from the start. The part I struggle with is I feel ghosted. I'm sure there is good reason, but I haven't figured it out yet. Most things went ok for me. Small and large seemed to be to my benefit. Now it seems even the littlest things ensure I feel as low as possible without ending it.
I will never end it willingly, but I definitely won't beg someone to live. I welcome it when it is my time.
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