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shit. will i ever be ok?

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The drunk temptation to start infodumping about my Current Interests to everyone who has my number

#yes i went to rehab yes rehab is stupid idc if im fucking up my body im having fun

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DAMN i should b at the club wastinf 200 dollars instead of sittinf on my ass drinkinf alone w gas station wine LMFAOOO

#i recently began to go to a lot of parties and honestly ive been enjoying myself at them heehe #my autism is cured when i get drunk enough

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Me: i dont have friends

Also me: has someone ive been talking to for years since childhood in my contacts, regularly talks to brothers gf and considers her a sister already, has a person ive been talking to since a year or two ago on my discord

#for some weird reason i dont consider those three friends #theyre more like family ^_^

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Sorry for the spam but at the same time no im not this is my blog i spam whatever the fuck i want when i want GOD i love having this blog i can spiral into a self loathing mess in PEACE

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I genuinely think my untreated, undiagnosed, unwhatever autism is a curse bc i get so fixated on the dumbest shit ever and then wonder why no one likes my weird niche bullshit.

#like yes me no one cares about that videogame that no one has talked about in 20 years #sorry no one cares #id probabaly kms if i got attention fr though /srs btw um im mentally ill haha

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I hate fandoms bruv. The fandom im most fixated on is notorious for its shittiness. Dude all i want to do is post porn and cry about [REDACTED] please no more drama no more fighting im tired

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"Why does no one like my art"

*shades like its 2009*

#vent #tw///vent #edgy vent #tw//2009 mention

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No but am i blocked by like... half the fandom? Or did i just block that many people that theres no one left to enjoy my art. What the deuce.

#the duality of fandom #its either too rancid or too empty #yeah i shouldnt have pulles an allnighter i feel fucked upp

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Me: i hate posting art. Its so stressful. Theres not enough attention but then when i get attention its overwhelming. This is unhealthy.

Also me: man i love making art haha pen go brr :)

#why did god curse me to be an artist LOL

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me: *works hard on a piece*

me: *posts it*

the piece: *gets 0 notes*

me: wow i love the community i built :)

#i have to remind myself attention isnt everything #it really doesnt matter #but it still kind of hurts sometimes when i work hard only for it to get nothing #like... damn ok #but the worst part is that i will do it again. i will work my ass off for nothing again. why? bc why tf not LOL

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me: i should delete all my tumblr blogs

some rando 5 days ago: LOVE YOUR ART OMGGG

me: hm. maybe not

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Im saur cringe

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I relapsed btw <3 i feel like i failed at life

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Holy shit. I want to starve so bad...............

#i miss it so much #i miss everything #god i want to flush all my fucking medicine down the toilet i cant do this anymore

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I want to be thin so bad. I miss my old body so much. Im not going to share numbers but i was so fucking thin. I felt like shit but at least i was skinny.

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I cant even cry right now

#i tried crying earlier but i physically couldnt #i hate my body so much it disgusts me to the point where i cant even stand looking at myself anymore #ive donated so many clothes now #my favorite belt doesnt even fit my anymore #i want to cut so bad #weight isnt everything but it is to me its easy to recover when youre skinny but when youre big its so hard not to relapse back