bloodlessdiamond

[bloodlessdiamond]

it's hard to explain because inevitably you sound like an asshole, but some people are allowed to lose their temper, lose their mind - you're not, though.

when your friend never texts you first and misses your birthday and never makes an effort; you don't mind. you know she's struggling, and you want her to get the help that she deserves. you give her every excuse and every chance.

it shouldn't matter to you so much that people are always coming through for her. you want her to be happy, you love it for her. you love that her community rises up to the occasion. why does it bother you that when she snaps at someone, says horrible mean things - but two hours later, everyone is comforting her while she's crying. you know she's stressed. why do you kind of hate that she is welcomed back to her job, that her parents are endlessly wiring her money.

and you're - fuck, are you envious?

but when you don't text back, someone sits you down and says i know you're struggling, but you're being a bad friend. when you're too numb to show up for work, your boss just shakes his head. i'm sorry. i can't approve more time off. we have the company to protect. when you finally snap back at your family for making that shitty comment again, you're forced to apologize for being too sensitive.

god forbid you need something. people aren't used to you being the one asking. you're the giver like the book you hated; your pages all open and rumpled. you always have the answer, always have the solution. you are reliable, trustworthy. people like you don't struggle with things. you're supposed to be lifted by tragedy. you are given a maximum of 24 hours to grieve, and then you need to just behave at the party.

you can't read the giving tree without feeling like crying, and even that feels like it's too much emotion. like, nobody looks at you and assumes you're the tree; they'd name five other people before even considering you in the running. you're just there, never-asking.

your friend gets to say mean shit, that's just her personality. when you make a snide comment, you're just being petty. people laugh when your friend stands you up for another event; they say she's just like that. you were 5 minutes late to a meeting with friends and they were mad about it for the rest of the evening. your friend sets everything on fire; everyone applauds her through the ashes. you so much as light a candle: and suddenly now you're an arsonist.

you don't want your friend to suffer, though. the thing is that you just wish that the empathy and kindness your friend gets - you wish you had that option, that everyone offered you grace and money and a gentle reception.

the other day you were fighting down the bad urge; the void call, the end note. you tried-anyway. you went to the family event, tried laughing at the right moments. nodded and smiled and all of it. one of your siblings threw a fit, but she's allowed to, so everyone just rolled their eyes about it. you took 3 whole minutes to stand outside when you got overwhelmed. you literally set a timer about it.

in the morning you woke up to a text from your parents: you were a complete disgrace last night. idk what your attitude problem is, but you really need to fix it.

[bloodlessdiamond]

Why does the world not want me to eat? No lunch breaks no dinner. Now I'm determined to get Cobby's for lunch and my dad needs my car so I won't be able to do that. Not that I would be able to take a lunch break anyways. I guess it was wishful thinking. I'll just never eat again.

[bloodlessdiamond]

Sometimes I forget that I grew up and live with an exstremely emotionally abusive manipulative narcissistic man. And then like boom. no it hits me again. really? you’re going to throw a fit because I couldn’t pick up a call at midnight? When someone is already asleep in the same room as me? And then continue to text me your little bitch fit and not tell me how my dying dog is doing?

Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.

[bloodlessdiamond]

Staying sober and not smoking today has been really really really fucking hard. I don’t know if I’ll make it through the rest of the evening. Fucked up that’s it’s all I can think about, and that it’s the only thing I know will numb my brain enough to stop thinking about ending it all. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of wanting to dead but being forced to keep living.

[bloodlessdiamond]

Me: *explaining that I'm self harming because that way I don't do drugs, so at least I'm not doing drugs*

Psychiatrist: "self harm isn't good either."

Me:

[bloodlessdiamond]

I only spent maybe 5 hours awake over the weekend. It sucks so so bad because like I couldn’t handle how awful being awake and alive is but I also completely skipped the weekend. I basically went from one work day into the next. I can’t do this anymore. Please just let it be over, it would be so nice if I could just get in a like a tragic car accident or something so I didn’t have to do it myself. I don’t have any reason to be alive please just let me die.

[bloodlessdiamond]

It would be nice if I could think of something beside how much I wish I was dead.

[bloodlessdiamond]

I’m tired of crying myself to sleep wishing I don’t wake up in the morning. I always wake up and I never feel better or less tired.

[bloodlessdiamond]

You go unwanted long enough that you just stop wanting anything because you know you won't get it.

[bloodlessdiamond]

When you’re suicidal they tell you to reach out to people. However no one tells you what to do when you reach out to people and then they don’t give a fuck.

[bloodlessdiamond]

I don’t feel anything anymore, I’m so exhausted. I just want to be gone.

[bloodlessdiamond]

i love this app sm ♡

[bloodlessdiamond]

No one understands how much I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much I can’t even look on the mirror without feeling absolutely disgusted. I want to die.

[bloodlessdiamond]

Me 24/7

[bloodlessdiamond]

I cannot put into words how much I absolutely HATE this body I'm in.

[bloodlessdiamond]

If you have me in your life, I’m really really sorry.

[bloodlessdiamond]

I want to beat myself to death.