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Mortal Kombat: Return To Of Kombat Shrines

     Johnny Cage wiped sweat and angrily licked his upper lip, “So now is time of glory fighting, do you enjoy pain sandwiches?” Reptile looked down then up, then right, then at Johnny, then thought for a moment, then slightly bent his right knee. “If it is delicious swipings you like, then pain it is to your personal area parts!” Reptile slightly moved his foot and a small plume of dust was swept up. “See?”, said Reptile looking down at the ground. “See what?”, said Johnny. “Sorry, I was checking my massages.” Reptile now furious yelling: “Did you no like my dance moves?! If you were not so busy with your stupid, silly, awful, annoying, amusing, time consuming, absurd, benign, delightful and awful yammering you would have witnessed a thing that would have made you aware of it existing. Johnny, once more involved in a text with his agent looks up and raises his right eyebrow so it is higher than his other eyebrow, the other eyebrow is located on the opposite side of his cranium. The main idea is that there are two eyebrows and the one he is moving is the current one described now. “Well I...” Reptile interrupts while Johnny is speaking just now a moment ago: “Shut up you stupid pud!” Johnny stops moving, puts his hands at his sides and Reptile does the same, neither of them continues to move and stares silently at one another...day turns to night.......

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!

Sonya slowly roused from sleep in her room which the sun was coloring a golden shade of yellow, her hair lay about her carefree and flat, like pancakes left on a stove. The pancakes were delicious but there were more made than needed, so some were saved with Tupperware. With a majestic stretch, she raised up from her bed and arched her well toned body showcasing her physique and at the apex letting out a horrendous fart: “PLBBBBBBBBBBBIP!!!!!! It violently shook the adjoining wall. “Really Mom? What the fuck you smelly fucking bitch?! I swear to God after the first 3 games you just let your shit go and do you know how embarrassing it was having to go to school explaining that you were on medication while shouting: “ERUAGHHHUHEEEHHUHHH!” While ripping off men's heads and pissing on their ashes?” Cassie was a typical asshole teenager who was spoiled and smelled like gum and hairspray, even after raising her to be a man she still insisted on being a bitch. Cassie is painfully aware of how stupid it was for her mother to have bred with her father, although to be fair he was the only normal person with a normal penis in the tournament (Kano had a metal cock and Jax was...look Sonya is a racist okay? She wouldn't date Liu Kang, she wouldn't even date Quan Chi due to his Jewish heritage.) “You had your pick Mom, you stupid fucking cunt bag, you could have banged a thunder guy, or even sold your soul to a sorcerer with erectile disfunction and I would be able to kill fuckers with my magic queefs with green magic clouds or some shit. Noooo, instead I have some stupid ass drone and shoot people in a martial arts tournament.” Sonya had been silent up till this point, she had been busy breathing in her flatulence as she found it absolutely fantastic, she loved breathing her own fart gas, especially early in the morning after a night of drinking and eating peanuts. “Cassie, you are a whore, a fucking mistake, we actually were using condoms AND I was on birth control AND had a diaphragm inside me yet we still somehow got fucking cursed with you.” Sonya picked a small booger from her nose, smelled it and flicked it with fury at her daughter where it hit the wall with a shower of gross sparks. “You were a mistake and so was I, we all were because I recently found out Kano is my actual father so yeah, our family is a shit show even by Outworld's standards.” Cassie and Sonya both shake hands and salute, the entire room is suddenly engulfed with flames.

Outside...”Thank God we got out of that”, said Cassie. “You can say that again.”, said Sonya. ”Thank God we got out of that”, said Cassie. “You can say that again.”, said Sonya.”Thank God we got out of that”, said Cassie. “You can say that again.”, said Sonya. “So Mom, are you finally ready to admit you are a stupid whore?”, Cassie looked at her Mom for a response. “Yeah totally am slut.”, Sonya smiled and revealed she was missing 3 teeth, making her smile resemble a hobos. Sonya then let out a battle cry: “Lalalalalalala!!!” Cassie looks up, then down, turns around once, then back at her Mother. “Why did I just do that?” Sonya glares seriously into the distance at a nearby tree. “It's because you are a warrior, because you understood what that thing was to know. When instructions were handed out and mailed, they were hard to understand due to being comprised of small pictures with no words. We all still were able to assemble the furniture ourselves but I will never forget it, that is when I knew you were the un-chosen one, the one who was supposed to know the thing. Then all this other stuff happened, and I am also hungry now.” Cassie looks like a cat who was wet but then became dry and hoarsely replies: “Then, we dine in Hell tonight! My little kettle corn Mommy Mom!!!” Now different things happen to other characters too.

Scorpion grabbed at the brown tube which had become the ultimate opponent with a scrap of white barely hanging onto the edge of the roll. “Damn!”, Scorpion reached out and snatched the tube off the holder with a soft loving gesture. “By the fires of unholy eternal Heck, this is less than what I desire!” He then goes through a painstaking task of peeling back enough cardboard to cover his hand and reluctantly lowers his palm to relieve his stinky shameful horrible waste he was naughty enough to expel because he is bad and a devil person. “Whew it sure is smelly in here now!”, waving his hand in a circular, counter-clock wise and sideways motion he sang a sad, uplifting ditty: “Iiiiiiii juuuuuussst tooook a craaaaapp, iiiiiitt waaaas reallllly baaaaaddd, it buuuuuuuurrned my deeeeemonic aaaaaassss and nooooowww I am saaaaad.” He exited with a mighty flush as his enemy faced him down right outside the door. “I need to shit too once in a while dickhead.”, Sub Zero was not pleased, ever since this uneasy peace it seemed there was never a free moment to use the bathroom. “What are you doing in there anyway? It is not like you are jerking off, your dick was burned off years ago.” Scorpion erupted in a bout of flame and was now a skeleton. “Nooo, I can't, should we talk about what happened to your appendages? Or is it too soon to mention the ice tray incident?” Sub Zero became sad and cried tears which froze before being able to escape his stupid cold face. “You do not know what it is like, shrinkage was a real issue and you know how it makes me feel. Can we not do this right now please?” “Oh all right, I supposed you have been helping me with my baths and daily feedings, ever since we moved into this apartment I have begun feeling like you do not hate me anymore, you never rip off my head, you are always criticizing me and it makes me hot...not in a good way either. Sub Zero set down his knitting and looked at his friend, “Look, I really still need to use the bathroom okay?” “Then use it.”, said Scorpion. “I will.”, replied Sub Zero with a pep in his step as he pranced to the bathroom angrily. Sub Zero then uses the bathroom. Having finished using the restroom, Sub Zero returns to the couch and resuming knitting while humming: “Dun dun da dun da dun da dun da dah. Duh da du da duh da, (murmering) mortal kombat” Scorpion now in human form once more slaps his right knee past his thigh, but not quite the very tip of his knee, about 4 inches away from the front of his leg where the human knee joint is usually located. “See? No hate, just some odd couple bullshit...you used to be cool man.” Both beginning humming together as we slip out quietly...I mean really who wants to watch that? They are like a married couple.

II

Lament of Badgers

Liu Kang looked out over Edenia, a sprawling and beautiful land, with its sparkling waters and happy squirrels. He then put down the magazine and observed his dreary surroundings. The apartment was in his Mother Sui Kang's name not his own so he could not help but try to follow the rules, no loud chewing, no spiked arm bands on the couch and the worst rule of all, no fighting. There was water running, in fact it had been running for too long now... “Kitana! Are you almost done washing our produce yet?” “Almost my little Egg Foo Hung!” God he hated that nickname, yes he had a huge dong, but it was not the most mighty of the Wangs, Goro held that title. “Did you check the mail K? I was too busy rehearsing for my graduation speech.” Kitana laughed crazily and did a back flip, “I am so glad to be who I am! And yes I checked the mail and no you did not get anything, hehhhahahahahahaaaa!” Liu Kang stood up with speedy and fresh air while flossing shouting: “You disrespect the fish you get the whole thing, you wanted to see, you dreamed so hard like a fighting fish of glory. So now what say the opponents?” Kitana rose in the air on one leg while posing with her hands clasped and began to sing “Shake shake shake senora shake your body line.” and while gyrating was also firing a Desert Eagle at her husbands feet. “For fuck's sake what is wrong with you? You crazy ass bitch, we are gonna get evicted now cut it out!” Kitana descended to the ground and scratched at the wood, she scratched until her fingers were bleeding. Liu Kang watched for a few moments and then bowed, back flipping out of the room while letting out small “Wudap!” and “Wah!”.

Keys were heard jingling the doorknob. “Waiyaiyaiyaiyaiiiiiiii!!!” It was the landlord, must have gotten off early. She flung herself into the room, then backwards down the stairs and out into the road. A passing car honked its horn loudly, Sui stood up and lifted the vehicle over end like it was made of paper. People scattered in fear as she walked up to the window of the car where a man was stammering and shaking. She pointed her bony dirty green finger in his dumb stupid face, then turned and ran back up the stairs, then fell back down the stairs, then went to the local corner store for a candy bar, then returned to the stairs, she then carefully went up them and hopped over the last one, she was not going to fall for that shit again. Entering the room to find filthy empty food containers and dirty diapers stacked in the corner. “ I am home you lazy no good doo doo Kang!” Her screams filled the room and Liu Kang smiled warmly, “Hey Mom, did you check the mail? I am waiting for a collectors edition mug with a map of how to get to the new island for the chess tournament I told you about. His mother punched a hole in the wall, lit a cigarette while bouncing a basketball with her arm still in the wall, she took a drag and no smoke ever came out. “I know how deep this goes, there is no chess tournament, you must have gotten drunk with rent again right?” Liu Kang looked into a nearby mirror, winked, wiped his face, noticed his left eyebrow was getting long again and plucked a hair, then procured a shaver and removed the entire thing. “Oh no now I look not like a furious fighting man of burning muscle punches anymore. “Oh you look so handsome, like a suitable rental car with extra seat room!” His mother was now juggling firey blades and a cat. “Mom why do you always know just what words are said?” She swung a samurai sword at a watermelon in mid-air. “From here on out I will never talk like a boondalungaloo again. I am sorry that you are such a little baby bitty beep beep blop ploopy bloopy blee. It is the only way to center your Chihuahua.”

Liu Kang nodded and quietly painted his finger nails hot pink, he stopped to apply a small sticker of a baby chick to his index nail. “Kitana, thank you so much for this color it is striking, get it?” Kitana burst into the room wearing an overcoat and a bullet proof vest. “I am happy you like it, to make others happy is the motto of the badger!” Liu Kang fought to prevent vomiting as he drank a glass of rotten milk. He looked at a picture of himself on the wall, “Badger? What are you talking about?” Kitana set her puppy down and it ran backwards to its kennel. “You know silly, the Lament of Badgers Festival. It is what precedes Mortal Kombat in the hood bitch.” Liu kang took a long drink of chunky sour milk, “By the Gods why am I drinking this? Yeah I forgot, oh well, guess it is time for DVR watching. Liu Kangs ugly stupid fingernails tapped the remote lightly. He list-fully opened the viewing guide and selected his library, then navigated to settings, system and updates and then moved down 3 places to select update check, the screen flickered and he was back at the previous menu. Liu watched as his TV levitated off the ground and fell, shattering like a pillow dropped on bags. “Liu Kang you silly sad Sally! Get the fuck up and train now!” Raiden was standing in front of him smoking a blunt and wearing a pimp coat, his hat replaced with a bandanna. “And yo stupid asses better have my rent by the first...bitch.” He was instantly gone in a puff of green smoke, a small fire had been started by his lightning feet of fury. Liu Kang had to act fast, he threw Kitana's cat at the fire and it took out a cat sized fire extinguisher out of its suitcase and sprayed coolant, putting out the fire. While flying through the air it had also pissed for the length of the throw, not of fear but vengeance. “Now I leave you with my mighty piss stain to remind you of the day you crossed me, Sudakai Hiroki!” The cat struggled his paw to flip the bird to the human and left, making sure to slam the door. “But your name was Fluffles.” Liu Kangs eyes welled up with tears as he chopped an onion furiously with care. The door burst open, and Sudakai looked like a fire dragon as he said “That was never my name, you are so stupid man really, no one likes you. You are cheap, you are always yelling some unintelligible shit and spamming, sorry bro but fuck you. I forgot my nip.” The cat had snatched his satchel of kitty cat mowie wowie and fled slamming the door. Liu Kang cried this time out of sadness as the cat had also made off with the rent...oh well...it wasn't the first time.

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