bleedinginthebathtub

[bleedinginthebathtub]

telling my friends i didn't want to wear a bikini bc of dysphoria but really it was because i ✨fucking self harmed again✨

[bleedinginthebathtub]

i don't regret the shopping spree either 60 bucks of it was just a new binder and the rest was some really cool thrifted shit

just got 55% on a trigonometry exam that i studied and tried really hard on. i did trig in high school, i only chose to retake it now for a review, so what the fuck is wrong with me? i just can't do this anymore, i tried so fucking hard and i still only understood half of it? i guess everyone was right. i'm really just not good enough.

[bleedinginthebathtub]

OH FUCK NEVERMIND my teacher re-graded it manually and i jumped from 55% to 70% crisis over everything is fine lmao

just got 55% on a trigonometry exam that i studied and tried really hard on. i did trig in high school, i only chose to retake it now for a review, so what the fuck is wrong with me? i just can't do this anymore, i tried so fucking hard and i still only understood half of it? i guess everyone was right. i'm really just not good enough.

[bleedinginthebathtub]

welp, got over it by spending almost $100 shopping downtown after i told myself i didn't have enough money to buy 10-15 dollars of junk food to binge purge

just got 55% on a trigonometry exam that i studied and tried really hard on. i did trig in high school, i only chose to retake it now for a review, so what the fuck is wrong with me? i just can't do this anymore, i tried so fucking hard and i still only understood half of it? i guess everyone was right. i'm really just not good enough.

[bleedinginthebathtub]

just got 55% on a trigonometry exam that i studied and tried really hard on. i did trig in high school, i only chose to retake it now for a review, so what the fuck is wrong with me? i just can't do this anymore, i tried so fucking hard and i still only understood half of it? i guess everyone was right. i'm really just not good enough.

[bleedinginthebathtub]

i may constantly feel like a horrible person who's failing at every possible thing in life and deserves to die, but at least i can show up to a family reunion feeling my absolute worst and still have every single person there tell me that i'm beautiful and skinny

[bleedinginthebathtub]

abandonment issues so bad i get scared when the mri tech takes a little too long to come get me

[bleedinginthebathtub]

me this weekend: i really need to break up with my boyfriend, i can't keep stringing him along like this

three days later: "heyyyy, wanna go swimsuit shopping with me? 😘😘😘"

[bleedinginthebathtub]

i don't even know how much i weigh. i keep not checking until after i eat, and i guess i must have lost a little bit, because the scale says 127 even after stuffing myself with food and water, but i just wish i knew the real number, because even if i am making progress i have no idea if it's enough. the number on my calendar keeps staring me down, 120 by friday. it was supposed to be easy. i was supposed to be almost there already. when i look in the mirror i'm starting to see that miserable 17 year old again. constantly in pain, constantly disgusted by themself. spending hundreds of dollars just to have a few outfits they could wear without wanting to die. hours in front of the mirror, practicing makeup, trying to convince themself a little foundation and lipstick would be enough to cover up their history. cover up the fact that they could be so much better, so much happier, that they had been, and they'd thrown all that away for no reason at all. i can't go back there. i feel like i already have. it hurts, my whole body hurts, and if i close my eyes, i start to convince myself that i know the reason why. it all feels the same, how could it not be?

[bleedinginthebathtub]

well, my boyfriend managed to really piss me off today and make me want to break up with him even more than i already did, but today i also got to spend a bunch of time with the coworker i have a crush on and got his number, so like, i'll survive ig ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[bleedinginthebathtub]

Ever since I was a little kid I knew I was going to kill myself some day

[bleedinginthebathtub]

well, at least the good thing about seeing so many different therapists lately is every time i get a new one i get more practise figuring what i want to tell them and what i want to get out of seeing them. every new first session i open up just a little bit more about the truth. maybe next time i'll even mention... well, i'll just leave that as a maybe

[bleedinginthebathtub]

definitely not a good sign that when i was having sex with my partner all i could imagine was that it was my friend instead. thought i got over that crush when i was 12 but i guess my mind will pull out all kinds of old shit to avoid facing my current situation

[bleedinginthebathtub]

people keep changing plans on me today. parents dragged me to like 5 stores instead of the one they told me about, now my partner wants to pick me up sooner than we decided. i had already planned out how i was going to spend that time and now it's all fucking different and i don't have any time to myself i'm seriously gonna kms

[bleedinginthebathtub]

i want to stop sleeping again. i miss it. it was a horrible time. i want it back.

[bleedinginthebathtub]

almost missed my therapy appointment because i was purging in the bathroom

[bleedinginthebathtub]

there is a small chance that, just maybe, i might be a little bit psycho