bituinspaces

[bituinspaces]

here's to another year of letting it linger :)

(lingering is all i can do because i'll never be able to tell you the secrets my notes app holds, i will never get to whisper in your ear whatever it is i write so delicately in the confines of this blog)

[bituinspaces]

the big red angry monster in my chest

i don't realize how much i talk and think about how i lock my heart in a box so you won't hear how much i love you. i lock it away from the world so they won't see how big my heart actually is. 

that's kinda sad. my heart is treated like a monster that has to be kept away for the sake of other people. i keep my heart hidden from you so you don't have to see just how much it loves you. my heart is a big red angry monster because it only ever loves the people who don't ever want to hear it.

so i keep my heart locked away, hidden from the public eye, because no one ever sees my heart as something that needs to be taken care of. no one ever sees my heart as something that needs to be cradled in their hands, something that is fragile, something beautiful.

my heart is a big red angry monster and maybe it is because it has grown desperate for love. i feel it screaming, trying to claw its way out of the box i forced it in because as as embarrassing as it sounds, it demands to be loved. i demand to be loved. i deserve to be loved. 

my heart is not a big red angry monster. i just wish someone would see that. (let me start by letting it out every once in a while.)

#brainfart

[bituinspaces]

i wrote my confession letter on my notes app. one faithful october night, i was convinced that i could one day tell you how i feel. "finally!" i can hear all my friends say that after years of the unbearable pining, i'll finally tell you. i won't though. 

i know there's nothing more for us (do i?), i know this is how far you're willing to go in terms of where we stands. we're friends (we are. we are. we are. just that), i know (do i?). so why would i tell you? (peace of mind?) i can't possibly tell you.

i never really understood how people would rather keep their feelings hidden in a box stored away from the world just to salvage the friendship. if you love someone, you tell them, right? simple as that – WRONG! getting to build a relationship with you through all these years has only made me understand that, yeah, i get it. we built something so good together that i can't even be mad that this is all we'll ever be. we have something good going on. i'm not about to tell you just how deep my affection runs just so you can tell me face to face that this is all we'll ever be. i'm not about to tell you how much i love you just so you can say to my face that you've always just seen me as a friend. i'm not about to tell you that i've been keeping it all in for three years and that every time i get to be with you, the world feels a little bit kinder. i won't tell you because that'll ruin everything for us, everything being the silly little friendship we share. i may be so unkind to myself to let that slip through my fingers, but i know you well enough to know that you need a good friend; if that's all you'll ever see me as, so be it. 

so i wrote my confession letter on my notes app. it'll never see the light of day. i'm not about to let my affection ruin what we have, don't worry. i'll just have to keep it a secret (that i love you). i'll never get to tell you (that i love you). it's okay, it probably isn't worth it anyway (i love you, it's worth it but i know you don't want it)

#i wrote this for my crush #this is embarrassing #brainfart

[bituinspaces]

tangina miss na kita

writing account be damned putangina miss na kita. pano ba gagawin sa pangungulilang to parang wala akong magawa kundi tiisin bawat oras na dumadaan at iisipin ka parang gustong kumawala ng puso ko sa dibdib ko at sumigaw ng "MISS NA MISS NA KITA"

ano pa bang klaseng pagpaparinig kailangan ko gawin? bawal bang ipagdasal ko nalang na sana magparamdam ka na uli? na sana kahit papano maisip mo rin ako. kahit di mo sabihin na namimiss mo ko, kahit di mo ko mamiss okay lang naman tanggap ko naman.

tangina nakakahiya.

ako na mismo nahihiya sa Diyos kung magdadasal pa kong sana makausap kita muli.

kaya ito ako, tulad ng ginagawa ko sa paglipas ng tatlong taon ng pangungulila sayo. mananahimik sa isang tabi, ipagpapaliban muna tong nararamdaman ko at hihintayin na sumikat nalang yung araw, at tulad ng buwan, makikita ko nalang uli kapag binalot na ang mundo natin ng kadiliman.

#i didnt write this on my notes app #i wrote this for my crush #brainfart #this is embarrassing

[bituinspaces]

yosi break :)

nagyosi nanaman ako kagabi

kumuha ako ng dalawang stick tapos hinalungkat ko bag ko para sa lighter 

sabi ko sakanila "magyoyosi lang ako"

ang sikip kasi sa bar

nakakasakal

nakakapagod

magyoyosi muna ako

nakakatawa kasi magyoyosi ako para makahinga

magpapahangin lang saglit

magyoyosi lang saglit diyan sa labas

kinuha ko yung dalawang stick ng yosi 

nakiraan ako sa samu't saring katawan na sinasabayan yung musika

"excuse me, yosi lang ako."

naghagdan ako pababa, tas lumabas na ko

magyoyosi lang ako

nagulat ako paglabas ko may nakasunod na pala sakin 

bakit kaya andito ka nanaman 

anim na buwan na yung huli mong yosi

sabi mo quit smoke ka na

magyoyosi ako, ba't ka nandito?

hindi ko alam ba't andito ka

sabi ko sayo hindi ko alam na nakasunod ka pala

di mo rin naman ako sinagot

sinindihan mo lang yosi ko

di kasi ako marunong gumamit ng lighter

salamat, sinindihan mo pa yosi ko

nakita ko may dala kang dalawang stick

dalawa lang dapat sisindihan ko

pero may dalawa ka pang dala

gusto ko sanang umayaw, dalawa lang talaga kasi sisindihan ko

gusto ko magyosi, pero sinindihan ko nalang yung apat kasi mas gusto kong makasama ka

bumalik nanaman ako sa april 2022

hindi naman ako malakas magyosi

hindi parin naman talaga, parang ngayon nga lang ulit

pero para makasama ka 

kahit kalahating pack pa, kaya kong tiisin masolo lang kita saglit

kaya sige, pakisindihan nga tong yosi ko, alam mo namang hirap ako sa lighter e

#dont smoke #brainfart #i wrote this for my crush #sorry excuse for a poem lol

[bituinspaces]

ang hirap pala na andiyan ka

ayokong umalis ka, gusto ko nasa tabi mo lang ako pero ano naman kapalit

i'm always at arms length from you

close enough to touch 

pero hindi parin eh

kahit ata magdikit balikat natin at isandal ko ulo ko sayo

parang ang layo layo mo pa rin

ang hirap din naman na nandiyan ka

pero hanggang dito lang ako

hanggang tingin lang ako

hanggang kaibigan lang

pinanghahawakan bawat piraso ng pagkatao mo na hinahayaan mong makilala ko

pero kahit ata alamin ko kung ilang hibla ng buhok meron ka sa ulo hanggang dito parin ako

ang hirap naman kasi 

pag sayo palaging may hangganan

hanggang dito lang ako

hanggang tingin lang ako 

hanggang kaibigan lang ako

hanggang kailan nga ba kasi ako hindi makakagalaw dito?

yun pa talaga yung nawalan ng hangganan

kung kailan ko matitigil tong pinanghahawakan kong mga munting sandali na hinahayaan mong makilala pa kita

pero wala nga kasi talaga

kahit ata bente kwatro oras kitang makasama

magmula sa unang salita ni dr. love tuwing madaling araw sa dzmm

hanggang huling balita na ipapakita sa sanbandila

kahit pitong araw sa isang linggo 

hanggang dun lang talaga tayo

#idk if this is finished #i wrote this for my crush #brainfart #this is embarrassing

[bituinspaces]

pag iniisip kita feeling ko parang ang laki laki masyado ng puso ko para sa dibdib ko

parang sa bawat pawang na nakapalibot sakanya, tumatagos siya

ayokong inaamin na iniisip kita kasi nakakahiya

nakakahiyang malaman nila na palagi kong iniisip kung kamusta ka

kung ayos lang ba ang pakiramdam mo

gaya nga ng nabanggit ko hindi ko naman inaalala kung kumain ka na ba, kung sino ang kasama mo, kung ano ginagawa mo bawat minuto ng oras mo

pero iniisip kita. 

sa tagal ko nang kinikimkim tong nararamdaman ko

ngayong nakatatalong taon na ko dito sa kinatatayuan ko,

pakiramdam ko minsan parang iniipit ko sa kahon tong puso ko na parang sumisigaw

hindi ko naman maintindihan.

hindi naman sa kating-kati ako ipagsigawan sa mundo na may nararamdaman ako para sayo

pero parang bawat beses na pinapakita mo sakin na may pakielam ka tapos parang dumodoble takbo ng tibok ng puso ko

parang yun yung mga panahon na baka pwedeng kahit pabulong nalang, maamin ko kahit kaunti na lumalalim tong pagtingin ko sayo?

pero alam ko kasi eh,

hanggang dito lang naman talaga 

good friend;

ayon nga naman sayo

ayos lang naman yun sakin 

palagi namang ayos lang sakin kapag ikaw

ayos lang na bumyahe ako nang dalawang oras mula taft hanggang katipunan makasama ka lang

ayos lang na dalawang linggo akong hindi uuwi sa bahay at mananatili nalang sa dorm 

baka sakali lang na maghanap ka ng kasama sa katapusan ng linggo

ayos lang na gawin mo kong sandalan pag malungkot ka 

ayos lang na hilingin mo sakin na makinig ako sa mga kwento mong kahit sa bestfriend mo di mo masabi

kasi good friend ako.

lagi naman ayos lang kasi mabuti akong kaibigan.

at hanggang dun lang ako.

hanggang dun lang ako at ayos lang yun

mas madalas ko rin naman isipin na paano ka naman kung inamin ko pa sayo na sa bawat ngiti na tinutungo mo sa direksyon ako parang di ko maintindihan yung ritmo ng tibok ng puso ko

hanggang dito lang talaga ako, ayos lang naman yun

kasi paano ka naman kapag sinabi ko pa sayo na sa bawat sulok ng rizal hanggang maynila, gusto kita isama sa mga lugar na alam kong magugustuhan mong puntahan

hanggang dito lang kasi talaga ako, ayos lang talaga yun

kasi paano ka naman kapag sinabi ko sayo na kada pagkikita natin hinihiling ko na kahit saglit lang, 

kahit limang minuto lang, kung mabait talaga yung mundo, edi sampung minuto, 

kahit ilang minuto lang, sana tumigil muna ang oras

baka kasi pwedeng hindi ka muna umalis

baka pwede kahit saglit lang pwedeng akin muna...

yung oras mo

kasi ayos lang naman na hanggang dito lang ako, basta nandito ka lang din sa tabi ko.

hindi ko alam kung ano paborito mong kulay

pero alam kong takot ka sa multo

hindi ko alam paborito mong numero

pero alam kong kapag nanonood ka ng pelikulang malungkot di mo mapigilang di mapahagulgol

hindi ko alam ang bawat detalye ng mga paborito mo

pero pakiramdam ko kilalang-kilala parin kita

pero normal nga lang siguro sa magkaibigan yun

kaya hindi na rin dapat ako magreklamo pa na hanggang dito lang talaga tayo

kasi naiintindihan ko naman eh

hindi porket kilalang kilala kita at jusko

kilalang kilala mo rin ako, sa gulat ko

hindi naman ibig sabihin non na may iba pang namamagitan sating dalawa.

#brainfart #i wrote this for my crush #this is embarrassing #sorry excuse for a poem lol

[bituinspaces]

i haven't written in a while. i actually have, but they're not pieces i like at the moment/ i tried writing poems like the ones on my for you page but they don't stick as well as the pieces i write in lengthy paragraphs and fancy words. the pieces i write are long, paragraphed, probably because i have a fuck-ton of things to say. 

i have a fuck-ton of things i'd like to say about you.

these past few days, the ghost of my words haunt me and constantly nag me to open my notes app and concretize the most intimate parts of my brain. you have once again plagued my mind and the amount of words i could write for you is kind of pathetic because while i could write a whole novel with you in mind, i probably don't even cross yours. 

i won't fault you for not sparing me even a passing thought because it would be an understatement to say that thinking of me is something that you're not obliged to do. while i am fully aware of that thought, it kind of makes me feel inadequate knowing that while you cross my mind every time i even somewhat catch a glimpse of our local starbucks, i won't cross yours until i hit you square in the face.

i've gotten so rusty at writing pieces like this while words used to just spill out of my mind and into my hands but in my defense, every time i thought about writing, i immediately put it at the back of my head because the prospect of writing down those thoughts are directly attribute to the fact that i am, again, thinking about you (shocking! to nobody at all). 

#i wrote this for my crush #brainfart

[bituinspaces]

my intrusive thoughts

maybe if i write about you often enough, i'll run out of words and maybe then i won't feel as much as i do for you. 

like everything else in life, my feelings for you are fleeting (as fleeting as i can make it out to be). i love you sometimes, i like you most of the time, but (as embarrassing as this sounds) i think about you always. not in an "i miss you so much i wish you were with me i can't live without you i'm dying without you beside me" kind of way, but like a passing thought. i don't wonder if you've eaten, i don't wonder where you are, where you're going, or who you're with. i'd love to hear about the mundane details of your day if you wish to share it with me, but that's not what my plagues my mind at 3 in the morning, or at 3 in the afternoon. i am not paralyzed by the thought of wanting to know what you're doing in the middle of the day, but what does plague my mind is whatever it is you make me feel.

i've started writing again (i have actually been writing for a long while, but not this much). as cheesy as it sounds, most of my works have revolved around you. sometimes i fear that what i feel for you only exists to fuel my creative juices (although that's not at all true because when i look at you i think about what it would feel like to hold your hand or kiss your neck, not the next piece of material i'd be secretly writing about you). like that last sentence, i tend to go overboard with writing, i tend to exaggerate how it is i feel about certain things (you you you) just because they sound good on paper. sometimes i think i like the image of you i have created in my head (and this is almost a hundred percent true because maybe i do like the idea of you and not you in itself). 

ah.

sometimes i wish i didn't have the issues i currently deal with because maybe the me in a different universe, someone who doesn't carry the weight of whatever trauma it is the wonderful people of my past have imparted on me, won't have to second-guess, triple-guess, quadruple-guess whether or not the feelings i hold for someone is authentic enough to call it love. in a way i admire the dysfunctional human i have become for reasons i cannot name, but it's so difficult being myself when i know i can't even figure out whether or not i actually like someone or not.

ah. the joys of being me. 

i don't remember the thought i had in my head when i started writing this piece. in the middle of writing that last sentence i randomly thought about the quote "if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more," and i could go on and on and on about myself and everything that is wrong with me and maybe that's why i can write long paragraphs about you, still, because i might like you, and maybe as time passes those words will decrease and decrease and decrease until my words are reduced to the 3 word sentence i dread to admit, but i will never ever ever be able to stop talking about myself. 

hah.

#brainfart

[bituinspaces]

the amount of times i've had to stop myself from telling you i loved you is kind of absurd. i don't get the unbearable feeling of wanting to shout to the world that i love you, but i do get this itch, the urge, to pull you close and whisper in your ear that you're all i think about when troye sivan's good side plays. i can't tell you but sometimes when i actually do pull you close and whisper a joke in your ear, i wish that you'd magically understand that it's my way of telling you i love you. i try to make you laugh as much as i can because i love you. i've never actually had the guts to tell you that. i've never had the guts to say i love you outloud, even in the confines of my own room. i've never allowed myself to utter, even to myself, the three words i want so bad to tell you. i will probably never tell you that i am, in fact, irrevocably in love with you. i don't think i can even say it out loud, at least not yet. now, however, i can write and write and write tens and thousands of pages just talking about you and your pretty face, and that will have to do because there's nothing else i can do, at least not yet, well maybe not ever, but that'll have to do. it'll just have to do.

#i wrote this for my crush #brainfart

[bituinspaces]

there are days when i'm pretty sure i love you, and other days i know i'm just lonely. when i'm surrounded by nothing but darkness and the yellow light the altar in my room provides me, i think of you. i think about the way i miss you when you're not around, and i how feel guilty about missing you when i feel like i'm not allowed to do so. there isn't a guidebook that states the rules about missing people, but i do feel bad that i ache whenever we're apart. it's not that i wish we were together every minute, every second of the day, but when we're together and it's just about time for you to leave, i wish time would slow, maybe time could stop just this once so i could get at least five more minutes of just being with you. is that love? i say i'm pretty sure i love you because i no longer have a good grasp of what love is. is love traveling from one city to another under the unforgiving heat of the sun, while dealing with the unbearable traffic the streets of manila hold? is love traveling two hours from one city to another and waiting another gruesome hour while mosquitos feed on my blood just so i get a few hours alone with you? is love wanting to constantly be around you? is love looking for ways to get to hold you? is love having to drink myself to the point of incoherentness just so i have an excuse to be overly affectionate with you? is love smoking half a pack of cigarettes in a dim parking lot just so i can bask in the silence between us, bask in the peace that settles between us? is love getting up in the middle of the night, drunk off my mind, just to tuck you under the covers because i know you get cold easily? what is love? 

sometimes i wish my brain wasn't infused with unbearable trauma, to the point where i would constantly question whether i love someone. i wish i didn't have to be so scared of having to admit that maybe i do love you. love could be everything that i mentioned. it could be none of the things that i mentioned. i could list down all of the things i've done and the whole would could scream in my face that "THAT IS LOVE!", and still i'd turn a blind eye and ask, "is it love?"

what is love? love could approach me in the streets and hit me square in the face, i still wouldn't recognize it. i don't know what love is. i can't recognize what love is. what is love? you could ask me a million times over and i could sit list down what love might be for hours on end just to end up asking you in return, "is that what love really is?", nothing but uncertainty painted on my face. 

i don't now what love is, i don't think i'd be figuring it out anytime soon, but, what i do know is i'd do anything you ask. i'd go wherever you ask me to. i'd drop everything i was doing just get a few hours with you. i'd drink all the liquor and smoke all the cigarettes i have to. is that love? i may not know what love is but i do know all the things i'd willingly do for you whether you know it or not. i don't know love, but i know you, and god knows i'd do anything for you. 

#brainfart #i wrote this for my crush

[bituinspaces]

after being fucked up by a horrible break up, i don’t think i’ve written anything about being remotely happy. the words that bled through my pages carried trauma, bitterness, and hurt. thousands of words left my mouth, hundreds of them engraved in writing, tens and thousands of them still swimming in my brain. writing about anything happy wasn’t my forte, i knew that. hurt bore through page after page after page after page, never seeming to reach an end, and a part of me believed that pain was the only thing i could write about. it only seemed natural because the first thing we were taught in writing class was to write about what we know; and for days on end, hurt was the only thing i knew. happy never seeming to find the pages i wrote on, maybe a part of me gave up trying to write about something i didn’t know of (at least, not yet)

but one day you get tired of the hurt, the pain your words bring and you just stop writing over all because the son of a bitch doesn’t deserve to hear another piece written about them, so instead of writing about my pain, i chose to not write at all because writing meant i had to think about you, and that’s something i’d rather not do. enough about you, enough.

today, though, my hands needed to move. i felt like i had a shitton of things to say and the burn inside my chest which fuels my writing seemed unfamiliar. there was a swell in my chest that i was normally used to but this seemed like something different. words felt heavy on my tounge, usually mirroring the heavy feeling in my heart, today, though, my heart was floating, nowhere near heavy. the swell in my chest anything but painful.

the unfamiliar feeling in my chest found its way to my fingers now smashing the keyboard, trying to chase the idea running in my head before it disappears. i keep trying to chase the unfamiliar feeling that makes my heart swell, just so i can hold it for a few moments and relish in the warmth it brings.

writing about happiness was totally unfamiliar territory and i have no idea how to deal with the warmth that currently envelopes me, it actually kind of scares me. it’s scary because it’s the first time i’ve felt this happy in a while.

trying to contain the smile that creeps into my lips as i sneak a glance at you is probably the most difficult task i’ve had to accomplish in this lifetime, it was the first time i was eternally grateful to have a mask that made it hard to breathe because it hid the toothy grin that kept forming whenever i looked at you.

you are new to me and sitting accross from you as we talked the day away made my heart swell the way it hasn’t for a long time. it was scary how easy it was to laugh about something remotely unfunny but the way your laugh rung in my ears was enough to bring a smile to my face. it was scary to actually admit that you make me a little bit happier than i want to admit

sitting within close proximity from you makes my heart jump and leap and do sprints. spending today with you was so confusing because the way my heart beats in my chest can’t be healthy, but at the same time, how can i deny myself of the smile that envelopes my heart. i haven’t felt that way in a while.

i don’t think i love you, i’m not evern sure i like you. i don’t know how i feel about you and i can’t quite put my finger on it so maybe it falls on adoration. i can’t be quite sure, but there’s one thing i am certain of. the four hours we spend together brought an unfamiliar smile to my face and it was so surreal, i don’t think smiled like that for a long while. i don’t think i’ve smiled like that at all.

so now i can bear with the uncertainty that is my feelings and let go of the thoughts that creep into the back of my mind, and focus on what is real right now. you make me happy, it’s scary how easily you do so. without making much of an effort. you make me happy.

#i wrote this for my crush #lol trauma #brainfart

[bituinspaces]

kuya bought a desk fan the other day. he was going on about how you had the same fan and i knew what he was talking about because when you passed, i was the one who used it under my desk, just like you did. one thing i realized after you left was that each of us, my siblings and i, we’re still desperately trying to preserve a memory you left us with, trying to keep a part of you alive long after you’ve gone. we often find ourselves laughing about what you’d say if you were in a certain situation. we’d laugh because we can still hear you lecture us and say shit like “yung ibang mga bata nga diyan walang paa tapos bili ka nang bili ng sapatos” and we’d laugh a lot more because after you’d lecture us, you’d still give in to our requests. we still live by your words. my siblings and i would say “kapag andito si papa…” “kung si papa yan…” “ano nalang sasabihin ni papa…” and you’d think it’d irk us because what’s the point in bringing up a deceased person’s words, right? in all honesty though, constantly reminiscing about what you would’ve done if you were still here may be one of the many ways we as your children cling to the memory of you. desperately trying to keep you alive. unconsciously, we try to live by you, and remember what you taught us, because that’s the only way we can feel that you’re still here.

papa, you were annoying haha, you always needed to be right, you always had something to say, and you constantly ran your mouth. in our own ways, we are exactly just like you. in your 55 years, you brought up 4 individuals who were just like you, and even in your passing, we still honor you by living the way you taught us. i miss you papa, everytime i miss you there is an annoying pinch in my heart, but knowing that i still have a small part of you in every single one of my siblings let’s me know that i’m going to be okay, we’re going to be okay.

#i wrote this for my dad #daddy issues lol #i hope one day i have the courage to show this to the world and not hide in my writing account #brainfart

[bituinspaces]

i've never had an urge this strong before. the uncontrollable sense of yearning to touch and keep touching. may it be a simple hand on your shoulder, just a fleeting touch. may it be the way i would push your hair away from your eyes when it bunches up the wrong way and, god, i find myself thanking the heavens for your bad, however not necessarily bad-looking, haircut because i constantly have an excuse to touch. to touch. and all these subtle touches are enough . just enough to sate the burning need to have my hands on you and it's just enough until it's not. i yearn to be able to run my hands through your soft hair when the night can't get any deeper and there's nothing left to be said so hands in your hair while applying just the right amount of pressure in that specific spot you want is enough. to be able to wrap my arm around you and rest my hand on your waist may it be in the confines of my room where we are hidden away from the world or while we listen to whatever it is our friends have to shout about when they're a few drinks in. i long to be able to hug and just feel my body fit into yours. i wonder if it'll actually feel like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together, although i think with how much i yearn for you, i've developed a you-shaped whole in my heart, and not only are you the perfect puzzle piece, you're the only one that can fill this void. oh, to be able to touch and Touch and t o uc h . how much i yearn, i long, i hope. until when will fleeting touches be enough? until when?

#i wrote this for my crush #brainfart #this is embarrassing #i hope no one sees this but i hope someone does #this was not proofread