bilbobagginsabroad-blog

[bilbobagginsabroad-blog]

Emirates 12hr Flight (Adelaide to Dubai)

K: Upon arrival at Adelaide Airport, we were met at check-in by a cordial middle age woman dressed in confusing Middle Eastern inspired business attire. She was pleasant if not completely over asking people if they had any flammable items. The most notable thing first off was that the majority of the passengers and flight attendants were decidedly miserable. I had a strange sensation that we were actually flying into certain death & everyone knew except us. That being said, everyone was quite pleasant including the two babies who aired their concerns about our apparent imminent demise rather vocally. We were given the usual pillow - mine had an orange cover and I wanted the purple one, but I guess no one plotted that misfortune against me. Plus a brown blanket, which I never feel is the best colour choice and headphones that work if you enjoy imagining what it would be like to watch a film underwater. The film selection was pretty decent, no complaints there. I chose an average film because I didn't want to waste a real cracker on a censored plane version. We also received a little pack containing a toothbrush, toothpaste, eyepatch (I lost the right word, but eyepatch is more exciting - we could all pretend we are pirates on an exciting voyage, not only just passing over Kalgoorlie half way into a film with 11hours to go) and possibly the worst pair of socks I've ever seen in my life. But the thought was there, thanks Emirates! Ok, so first meal came rather swiftly which I found rather interesting as it was presented as "dinner" but arrived at approximately 12:30am. Now I don't really imagine you can call a meal at that time "dinner" under any circumstances, but I also wasn't complaining because I'd forgotten to eat lunch or dinner & I get a little too excited about getting a meal simply because something is damn well happening. Dinner consisted of a dubious entree of salmon coleslaw salad that seemed to be the love child of a generic BBQ salad that your Aunty brings every year & a tin of Fancy Feast. I did, however, still eat a portion of said dish. Main was butter chicken which I consider to be the "vanilla-flavoured essence" equivalent of butter chicken. However again, I still ate most of this and generally enjoyed it. The individually wrapped bread rolls were still a little too cold, eluding to their previously frozen status, however I still readily consumed mine, aswell as Shannon's, because bread. Dessert was a lemon cheesecake & came with a solid tick of approval. I also partook of the free alcohol and drank some red wine which I will only refer to as "red wine" because while it was not horrible, it certainly maintained only a generic wine flavour - definitely no hints of blueberry or complementing tannins. There were an inordinately high number of things dropped by flight attendants in our general vicinity and while I'm sympathetic to the fact that we were on a plane, it did seem a little reminiscent of a slapstick routine. Mostly, I just hope no one was getting hurt or fired as a result. My favourite touch was the night sky situation going on. The roof was full of little lights designed to resemble stars & it was actually a pretty cute touch, rather than tacky. Breakfast arrived after long stretch of doze, wake to baby screaming, repeat. I'll start with the logical and positive aspects of breakfast: juice, yoghurt and fruit that was surprisingly fresh. All straight forward & hard to mess up too badly. Then there was another bread roll accompanied by butter, Vegemite & jam. I did appreciate the Australian touch, even though I didn't eat it, and the bread had obviously had a little more time to defrost so a little less arctic in the middle. So far, reasonable for mid-air eating. But the coffee, which I just should not have attempted on principle alone, was an abomination. It tasted like it had been sitting in the pot for three months & mildly reheated for consumption. Then the scrambled eggs. They were served with some sickly looking potatoes that, to my utter horror, were completely inedible. They've actually managed to ruin the unruinable vegetable. Harsh realities were learned today. I'm still trying to process that one. I ate the tomato, which was bland but acceptable, didn't even touch the suspect green goo that was once spinach, but unfortunately did try the eggs. I'm not sure how to describe this experience except to say that if zombies ever come into existence, I imagine the texture and consistency of these eggs to be what their flesh would be like after about 6 months of stumbling around decomposing. Concealing, mushy and not something you'd like to put in your mouth under any circumstances. The actual taste was somewhere between licking a sidewalk and chewing on a school textbook that has been annually passed on to a new student for 15 years. So all in all, passable aspects, but please, airplanes of all species, steer clear of the hot breakfasts. The company was, of course, top-notch. Shannon makes an adorable sleeping croissant and so far the Shannon-travel experience has been punctuated by wildly varied decision making. For example: "I want food", "No I don't want this, I want them to take it away." Which provides much needed laughter when supposedly hurtling toward your untimely end. Overall Experience: 5/10 S: The whole rigmarole of stepping through security gates cautiously clutching a boarding pass, passport and outgoing-traveller form in one hand, and a tent-like parka, scarf and the world's most inconvenient knapsack in the other, all while surrounded by the fuzz with guns and dogs, is slightly disconcerting. However, it did make me feel marginally more assured than when I travel on domestic flights where you walk up to the counter and pinkie swear that you are indeed who you say you are to the uninterested broad on the other side. Upon reaching the final round of security jumps and hurdles, a woman asked me to stand in her little Tardis-type machine which determined hotspots on my body of which she proceeded to seek consent to touch. Of course, I acquiesced. Unfortunately, it was just my outer thigh and waist. Le sigh. I thought I was in with a shot, mile high wise. Okay, so I do not enjoy flying. But I will try to focus on the positives. Whilst hotels and workplaces are systematically switching to ghastly energy-saving fluorescents, Emirates has lovely soft golden lights. I am not sure if other airlines have this feature, but either way, it is definitely the way to go. The plane also appeared cleaner than many others, although it may be been an optical illusion from their aforementioned lights. Finally, the name of the entertainment system, "ice", provided some lols. "Enjoy your experience with ice". Their ruthless promotion of methamphetamine whilst we were headed for Dubai felt like a set up. Although, I'm sure Dubai-prison cells provide more leg room then this plane so there is always a silver lining. The food. The food was dastardly, as always. Okay, wait. That is unfair. I did eat the cheesecake and breadsticks. I ate dinner at home prior to the flight, and ordered food more out of curiosity than hunger. Unfortunately receiving the food only resulted in more of a mystery. I am still not quite sure what was going on there. The toddlers. Ohhhh the toddlers. When Stapes, the alleged travel agent, misguidedly informed us that we could not choose our seats more than 48 hours prior to the flight, she condemned us to the freaking nursery row of the plane, where two year olds reign, and communicate through shits and screams. It's discombobulating to say the least waking up to a blood curdling scream of a stroppy tiny cretin. One thing I did learn from the experience is the importance of the person with whom you choose to procreate! In the row ahead of us sat two couples. Both accompanied by, let's say, 2 year olds (I am terrible at guessing kids' ages. Honestly, the difference between a 2 year old and 6 year old is very blurry to me). One couple united in employing their skills of non-verbal negotiation, threats and bribery to calm their squealing-like-an-axe-grinder offspring, toilet him, and muster enough love to dote on him and give him lovey-dovey eyes during his muted periods. In this case, the dad took on the gargantuan responsibility (pain) of holding this little bundle of joy (heavy boulder of terror) for the longest leg of the journey. Next to this well-oiled team, sat a mother of the year, and her uninterested, unhelpful lug of a "partner". Choose. Your. Partner. Wisely. Although seated in the middle of a four seater row, I was able to commandeer another half a seat where I rolled up like my tangled earphones to get little crumbs of sleep. My foot legally passed away three times. Such an unpleasant feel. I have no idea how people get zzz's when the top half of their body is vertical?! I need to master this skill. I can confirm that Kelly's beautiful mermaid hair and dark doe-like eyelashes look as beautiful after long plane trips and in different time zones. I am not angry, just disappointed. I would fly Emirates again, which in my eyes in a very positive review for the airline. I hate flying so this review was never going to be great, but that is not their fault. Ol' mate Stapes, on the other hand could have helped improve this experience by being correctly informed that you can, in fact, avoid the middle seats in the middle row by choosing seats early like 100% of all the other people on this damn plane. 6/10