bigfootswashingmachine

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every day, every single one of us has to make the difficult choice between normal human functions and 7-hour jerkoff sesh

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somebody get that girl a large sized beverage before she loses it completely

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I’m so sorry babes anytics and marketing don’t get you like I get you 😢

#i'd watch that

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LIVE (nothing wrong with me)

LAUGH (nothing wrong with me)

LOVE (nothing wrong with me)

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"They're going to bury you three feet deep, because you've only ever been half a man" sounds like a raw ass line from Shakespeare or something buts actually from me yelling at my cat for stealing my sandwich while I was getting a drink.

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Messaging a girl and she referred to her conversation with me as "just playing with her food" and I nearly moaned out loud anyways what about you guys how have your days been

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studies show that 90% of control freaks quit right before everyone agrees to do everything their way forever

#hail

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cease sending me your inane flirtations. i am already simultaneously married, widowed, divorced, and involuntarily celibate

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This is a nice sign to look at. 10/10 for composition.

he looks so confident

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Murmur, Cameron Barnett

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“Years and years ago, there was a production of The Tempest, out of doors, at an Oxford college on a lawn, which was the stage, and the lawn went back towards the lake in the grounds of the college, and the play began in natural light. But as it developed, and as it became time for Ariel to say his farewell to the world of The Tempest, the evening had started to close in and there was some artificial lighting coming on. And as Ariel uttered his last speech, he turned and he ran across the grass, and he got to the edge of the lake and he just kept running across the top of the water — the producer having thoughtfully provided a kind of walkway an inch beneath the water. And you could see and you could hear the plish, plash as he ran away from you across the top of the lake, until the gloom enveloped him and he disappeared from your view. And as he did so, from the further shore, a firework rocket was ignited, and it went whoosh into the air, and high up there it burst into lots of sparks, and all the sparks went out, and he had gone. When you look up the stage directions, it says, ‘Exit Ariel.’”

— Tom Stoppard, University of Pennsylvania, 1996 (via flameintobeing)

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Here is the unknown lady who came to the coast of Cape Ray, Newfoundland and Labrador earlier this year. It is not yet known what year she was made, but what we do know is that she was probably made of oak and based on her structure I would guess that she dates from the late 18th or early 19th century - let's see what the research reveals.

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favorite 2023 bulwer-lytton entries

#like she don't know wherefore i art is going to be playing on loop in my head forever

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Obsessed with this year's grand prize winner of the Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest

2022 Grand Prize Winner

"I knew she was trouble the second she walked into my 24-hour deli, laundromat, and detective agency, and after dropping a load of unmentionables in one of the heavy-duty machines (a mistake that would soon turn deadly) she turned to me, asking for two things: find her missing husband and make her a salami on rye with spicy mustard, breaking into tears when I told her I couldn't help—I was fresh out of salami."

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