big-tay-17-blog

[big-tay-17-blog]

So it's been a while since I've posted anything on here, and there have been some big things happening lately. First, I got engaged! My now fiance decided to propose to me on our one year anniversary, and obviously I said yes. My mom is currently helping me plan our wedding and she's trying to pay for as much as she can to help us out. She's even making my center pieces for the tables!

My relationship with my mom is still a little rocky, but it's getting better. I think the biggest thing that changed our relationship is the fact that I'm getting married this fall, and I've been talking to her about looking for places for my fiance and I to move into after we're married. She said we could live in her house after we get married so that way I can go to school and we can try to save up for a place of our own.

Work has also been a little bit better than it used to be. My manager is helping me do more than she was, but I only think she's doing it because I've tried to leave a few times due to being extremely overwhelmed and not wanting to work there anymore. I'm not as overwhelmed, but I still don't really want to work there anymore, but with the wedding coming up and me going back to school next fall, I don't really see a point of quitting, finding a new job, and being trained on how to do said job just to cut down my hours once I go back to school. Once I'm about to graduate, then I'll start looking for something different to do for work, but right now, I'm just going to suck it up and deal with it. My manager told me she doesn't want me dealing with work stuff on my days off anymore, and it's been nice. Granted I do still deal with work stuff on my days off, but not as often as I used to.

Another thing that has changed is that I've started reading books again. I used to love reading books, and I still do, but I always felt like I never had enough time to read. Now, I'm making sure I have time to do the things I enjoy, like reading. I've even thought about starting to do book reviews of the books I have read, granted I'm sure no one would ever see them, and I wouldn't even know what to do for it. I'll figure something out.

[big-tay-17-blog]

So yesterday my parents got back from being in California for the week after helping my grandma pack up most of her belongings to move to where we live. Let's just say it wasn't the welcome home it should've been. As soon as my mom walked into the house, she walked straight upstairs to my room and started bitching at me about things that didn't get done/things she wasn't happy with.

One of the things she bitched at me about was how downstairs smelled like cat piss. She blamed me for it, even though it wasn't either of my two cats. It was my sister's cat that she had abandoned when she moved to live with her husband. My mom then proceeded to get on my ass about how there was cat shit in the dining room and in her bedroom. There wasn't any cat shit downstairs all week. I know because that's where I've been hanging out the entire time unless I was at work. I also made sure to close their bedroom door every time I went into their room and when I left, making sure there weren't any cats in their room.

She then continued to blame me for numerous other things that she noticed when she got home. She told me she was close to making me get rid of MY cats, and she even threatened making me give away MY puppy. I'm not getting rid of any of my pets. They are my children, and the will still be my children even after I have actual human children.

I ranted to my boyfriend about everything that went down last night, and he said we would live on the streets before getting rid of any of our animals. He even told me that we could start looking at places to move in so I could get away from my mom, so I started looking for some inexpensive places for us to move. I found some nice places, but none of which I absolutely loved, so I continued looking today, and I found a really nice townhouse that is fairly priced for what it is. I put in a tour request for Tuesday, so we'll see where it takes us.

I'm unbelievably excited about moving out into our own place, and I'm kind of relieved knowing that I can get away from my mom sooner rather than later. Currently, I'm kind of anxious and stressed because 1) I'll be out of the house and on my own and 2) my parents have no idea that my boyfriend and I are looking for somewhere else to live.

Hoping for the best!!

[big-tay-17-blog]

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were out running a few errands, and while we were out, I saw that someone was selling some golden doodle puppies. The whole idea was that we were just going to look and play with the cute puppies, but then I picked one up and he started loving on me, and that's when I knew I needed to take him home with me. My boyfriend and I split the cost of everything for the puppy, the kennel, the toys, the food and water dishes, everything.

I didn't tell my parents that we had bought a puppy, and I was just going to wait to tell them until they got back from camping, but I started to get extremely anxious about it, especially since the day before I told my mom about the puppy I had gotten into a car accident, so my anxiety was already pretty high. I ended up calling my mom two days after I got my puppy and told her about him. At first, she was pissed since we already had four other dogs at home. She told me she had wished I had talked to her about it first and so I told her that I wanted MY dog back.

What I mean by "I wanted MY dog back" is that I was finally ready for a dog to call my own after having to put my childhood dog down three days after Christmas in 2021. I was heartbroken, and less than two months after my dog had passed, my mom came home with a new puppy for herself. I was livid. She hadn't talked to me about if I was ready for a new dog in the house, or if I was okay that she was getting the dog for herself.

My mom ended up calling me back a few hours after I had told her about my new puppy, saying she understood why I did it, and that her dog kind of replaced my dog's spot after she had been put down. She understood that buying my puppy just sort of happened, since that's how we've gotten the rest of our dogs, including my dad's hunting dog. After that conversation, she wasn't as mad as she had been before, which I was grateful for.

The day after I told my mom about my puppy, I told her about the car accident. She surprisingly wasn't mad, which I was extremely happy about. She said it was my car, and since the damage on my car and the guy's car that I hit was so minimal, she didn't really get upset. She was just happy that I was okay and that the accident wasn't any worse. This was my first car accident.

The day they got back from camping, I was at work, my boyfriend was at my house with the puppy, and my parents met my pup. My mom thought he was the cutest thing in the world and was surprised that his fur wasn't as curly as it usually would be for a golden doodle. I explained to her that he's 3/4 golden retriever and 1/4 poodle, so his fur isn't going to be as curly as a golden doodle that was 1/2 and 1/2.

I ended up submitting a questionnaire to a website that would either approve or deny me being able to certify my pup as an emotional support animal for my anxiety and depression. I spent $97 for a state psychologist to look at my answers and determine if I was a candidate or not. I ended up being approved, and I got all the paperwork I would need emailed to me so I could print it out. I even got a certified emotional support animal vest for my pup. So far, everything has been going well. The past couple days have been kind of hard on me mentally, but my puppy has been helping. He's been keeping my mind off of things, and he's been acting more goofy than he usually does, which then makes me laugh and smile and think about all the good things that I have in my life.

There are so many things and people in my life that I'm extremely grateful for, but sometimes I still have a hard time believing in myself, and I'm constantly battling the feeling of being completely alone, even while I'm surrounded by all the people in my life. Some days are definitely harder than others, like today and yesterday. Part of me didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, I wanted to sleep all day and never wake up, but I forced myself to get up, however, I didn't change out of my pajamas. I thought about going to the gym yesterday, but I didn't have the motivation, and I ended up staying in bed. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will always be better.

[big-tay-17-blog]

To anyone and everyone reading,

Hi! My name is Taylor, and I'm a 20 year old female. I work full time, and I'm trying to save up enough money to put myself through cosmetology school next fall. I'm in a committed relationship with the best man I have ever met, and I'm insanely in love with him. We've been together for almost a year. I recently started journaling again (more about that in a different post), and I'm trying to get more into writing.

I went to college for two semesters with the intent to get an associates in nursing and focus in Oncology, the study of cancer. I did it for a number of reasons, the first being is that I thought that it was what everyone expected/wanted. The second being the fact that my dad has terminal cancer, and I wanted to be able to help people the way his doctors were/still are helping him. I soon realized that it wasn't what I wanted to do. When I told my mom, she was extremely upset and said I was giving up too soon. Some people may see it that way, but I'm happy I stopped before I spent thousands of dollars before realizing it wasn't what I wanted to do.

Eventually my mom came around to the idea of me going to cosmetology school, and told me that if it was what I truly wanted and it made me happy, then she's happy for me. Everyone of my family and family friends are all super excited for me to start this new chapter of my life. They all support me, and they all said they would help me in any way they can. My mom even told me she would try to help out financially the best that she could even though most of her income goes to bills and food for the family.

I have two older siblings, a sister and a brother. My sister and I used to hate each other when we were growing up, and then we moved to a new state and became best friends. We were inseparable, and then she met a boy. At the time, he was one of my brother's best friends. When my sister first met him, she absolutely hated him. She hated the way he would tease her. She thought he was the most annoying person in the world. He came home on leave from the military for Christmas one year, and she was all over him. Flirting with him, talking to him about possibly dating, maybe even eventually moving in together and getting married. He was a little weary at first because he thought she was just playing mind games, but when he went back to his duty station, they kept talking. They eventually started dating long distance, and my sister was obsessed with him. Practically changed everything about herself for him. Now mind you, before they had started dating, I had a school girl crush on him. She was pissed when she found out that I had a crush on him, but I wasn't going to act on it since I was only 16 and he was three or four years older than me. My sister held a grudge against me after she found out, and we started to drift apart. She ended up moving in with him, telling our mom that they were just going to live together for a while before they even started to think about getting married. Almost a year after she had moved up there, our mom found out that they had gotten married nine days after my sister had moved to live with him. Ever since then, my sister and I haven't really talked to each other. I've tried reaching out a few times, but she never really responded, and she's never tried to reach out to me. After numerous attempts to talk to her and getting no answer, I gave up trying to talk to her altogether.

My brother and I were never really super close until my sister moved away. We're still not super close, but we're a lot closer now than we were before. We talk more, we hang out more, we go do stuff together. He's finally acting like the big brother I always wished he had been. He's even more protective of me now than he was when we were younger. When I started dating my boyfriend, my brother was a little hesitant about it because he didn't want to see his litter sister get her heart broken. Now that my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, my brother has started to back off on how protective he is of me, but he still worries about me. When he sees that I'm having a rough day, he makes sure I'm okay. He asks me how I'm doing mentally, and if I'm not good, he'll find ways to cheer me up and take my mind off things. Sometimes we play video games together, sometimes we just watch TV, and sometimes, very rarely though, we'll just go for a drive and talk about life and everything that's going on in our lives.

My boyfriend and I met at work. It's actually kind of a funny story. I had seen him around work a few times, and I started to develop a crush on him. One day, I ended up getting locked inside the big walk in freezer. The knob to get out from the inside was broken, and I didn't know what to do. I called my manager, who then told someone in customer service, who then radioed for someone to let me out. The person who let me out is the same guy I had seen around and developed a crush on. He asked me if I was okay and I said I was. I went back to work, and the next time I looked up, he was just standing there, watching me. He was there for a while too. I ended up talking to one of my friends about him, and that's when I found out that she was friends with him. I asked her if there was any way she could get his number for me or something. I ended up getting his contact info and he asked me out on a date. A few days after our date, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and obviously I said yes, and now we've been together for almost a year. I actually started working on a gift for him, and depending on when I get it finished, he'll either get them for our anniversary or for Christmas. What is this gift? I'm writing a bunch of "Open When..." letters, each one labeled with a different emotion or specific life event that goes on. I really hope he likes them because I'm putting a lot of effort into them and I'm being more vulnerable in them than I usually am with him in person or over the phone.

Anyway, that's enough about me, my plans, and the people in my life. It is currently 1:17 am, I have a sleeping puppy in my room who will wake up without his lullaby music, and I'm exhausted. Until next time Tumblr.

Goodnight

[big-tay-17-blog]

So, I recently started writing in a journal. I’ve tried doing it a million different times, but every time I’ve tried, I stopped. The reason being? I could never convince myself to keep doing it. I always felt like it had to be like a diary, so I would always start with “Dear Diary.” I hated it. I felt like that was the way journals had to be written. It’s how they’re written in the movies and shows, so I thought that that was how I was supposed to do it.

Before I started journaling again, I was talking to one of my best friends who has filled like five journals of their own. They said I didn’t have to do it like a diary. They said I could write whatever I wanted in it. I could write entries, or lists, or whatever I wanted, so that’s what I started to do, and I’ve gotta say, it’s been so much easier to keep up with writing in it. It’s definitely helped my mental health, and it helps keep my mind busy.

I think I’m going to start writing here too. Obviously I’ll continue to write personal things in my journal, but I’ll also write things here. Things that I’m okay with the world knowing. Maybe some of the things I write will help others in their lives too.

I know it’s a long shot that anyone will read my posts, but at least I know I’m trying, and that’s all that matters. If I end up helping people, then that’s a bonus :)