bibiahmad

[bibiahmad]

I can’t believe that i come here again to rant about my mom...idk this quarantine has been really hard for me. I’m still trying to cope with extra assignments because no final examinations + online learning is tough. I can say that I’m barely make it alive haha. Not to mention that I had fights with my mom, more often than not. I’m wondering am I already being labelled as ‘anak derhaka’?...idk i just stop talking to her when I can’t control my anger and when I feel hurts so much but this is the first time that it lasts this long. Three, four days? Idk I’m so needy and I’m just seeking for approval from my mother >>>>>>> anyone else. If only I could voice this out...everytime I had fights with her I thought it’s better for me to not exist cause all I do is making her mad. Sometimes I feel it’s unfair for me so I defended myself but that just make her more furious. I hope I have somebody to tell this to my mom cause I’m to scared to let this out. She will judge me and makes me feel bad. Also, I’ve been eating instant food cause I don’t dare eating his homemade meals as I’ve not been helping her. I wish I just dried out like the dying cicaks in my room

[bibiahmad]

Can you believe the woman i treasured the most, i trusted the most, i respect the most, i loved the most, actually made me cry the most. From the start, she never support my decision to continue my studies in foundation. I can accept the fact that she never support me if she gave her opinion when i was still choosing the uni. 1) she told me to major in engineering, i told her I’m not interested in physics. 2) she told me to pursue my studies in business/management. I HATE MANAGEMENT. And I’m not really interested to learn business/accounting. 3) then when i showed her my choices for unis, she told me "up to you". Then i applied for foundation is science. I only ranted about our 2nd sem timetable. I think this is the first time rant to her ever since i entered uni. She told me "i told you to take diploma instead of foundation". DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO EVEN CHOOSE A COURSE NOW. There are reasons why i choose foundation. Its not that because i wanted to finish study earlier. It’s because I FCKING DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE IN THE FUTURE. My grades wasn’t as bad tho last sem. Cant she at least tell me I’ve done a great job and accept the fact that I’m already in foundation year? She broke my heart. Million times. Sure I’m not her fav. I don’t listen to her. But i want her to at least support and tell me everything will be alright. I want her to support my decision to continue in biology. I don’t want to study things i don’t like. I cant even imagine. I don’t know how to convince her that ill do the best. Ill be the best. I want her to be proud of me. Stop downgrading the course i take. Stop...

[bibiahmad]

No one reads but i like to write! Since i cant express my feeling well upfront i just write everything on my blogs/diary/journal. I just realized im that kind of person lol. I wish i could be myself everywhere. Its not that im afraid if ppl couldnt accept me for who i am but.. like my soft and sensitive side, i dont like to show it to the others. I dont like ppl to see my weakness. I dont like ppl to think that im weak. I want to appear stronger than i am. I want to be bold and be everyone's sunshine (LOL). But its true afterall. Its hard to cry alone. Its hard to keep everything by yourself. Its hard to be depressed and just sit at corner of the room solving thinking abt everything. Like presenting assignments or projects, ppl think i have so much confidence. Im not but that is what i want ppl to see me as.

2. I dont like to be the center of attraction. I want ppl to see me like an average college girl haha. Its okay if no one noticed me lol i wish im invisible.

3. Sometimes i feel like its a waste crying over things bcs there is no one to console you comfort you. I simply dont know whats my position in everyone's life. Will it be the same if i wasnt here. I think there would be not much difference. Im not really important in ppl's life. Thats why i like standing alone. I dont trust ppl. Ill put blames on myself bcs im the one whos living my life.

[bibiahmad]

So lets get started

#np Poem; 00:00 by SF9

I dont remember the wHOLE things happened ofc but okay ill try to recall and recollect some memories (lol)

So i got the same registration day with my bestfriend from middle school we planned to register for college at the same time but somewhat i reached my uni wayyyy earlier than her so we ended up having different rooms and even different block /damn/ haha but okay my housemates are super cool i luv ♡♡♡ except i had to be the house leader (damn what its called in english) but i need to make sure the clealiness and tidiness of the house of 6 damn its real hard bcs ill be blamed by the srk (the uni's staff) if they dont satisfied with the condition of the house /to make things worse, my block's srk is real strict sjjdjdkd/

In our class, we have few groups for lab, assignments and etc. I like it that we were put to whatever group (randomly) so i get to know everyone in our class. Tbh im the hyper type of person lmao not that extrovert but once i get to know ppl ill try to make my relationship with them closer. I bet im just really friendly haha. Being in groups with ppl u never know them in your life /u dont even know their existense before!/ can be quite stressful. Idk im not that type of person who really really does everything on time but since i was picked as the group leader (again why me?!?) I had to tell them to do this and that and ok this part im really mad. THEY NEVER COME ON TIME when there is group discussion hello boys girls you guys nak balik awal datanglah awal !@#$%*. Glad ill be in diff group next sem (can they allow me to choose my groupmates :/)

On top of that, i had really really super extra cool lecturers. Most of them are really kind and i can see how sincere they are teaching us from the beginning. Too bad i was still sleepy at class esp during phys & chemist lectures (serve u right u got a big "B" last sem for chemistry). I wont tell abt english class im whether sleepy or not focus at all and suddenly my name get called like dhjdkdkdk. BIOLOGY is my FAV lecture i just really really love biology (i planned to pursue my study in pharmacy/dietatic wish me luck@@). Sadly i wont have the same chemistry lecturer for next sem since shes going to continue her study for phD wwowwwieee im happy for her but sad bcs she wont teach for next sem sobs. Glad our lecturer for biology and physics remain the same :')

So what else. No special memories besides what ive mentioned tsk tsk but okay everything is just fine im loving foundation year ^^ also im looking forward for my FIRST BIRTHDAY AT SCHOOL/COLLEGE. I never celebrate my birthday with my schoolmates/classmates bcs i was born in the month of december tskkk to be continued ----

[bibiahmad]

Hey so this will be my very first post on tumblr. I decide to make one bcs i type faster than write lol

So to begin with, im on my semester break and woah semester one is cool 💯 i got cool class cool classmates cool friends cool lecturers everything is just perfect /ofc im hoping the same for sem 2/. The coolest; we got scholarship/allowance for foundation bless.

Ill continue in the next post ^^