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Jesse. Jesse meth isn't the only thing we're cooking. Because today's video was sponsored by Hello Fresh.

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note: am v aware i have horrible taste lol

#anyone who agrees with any of these is wrong and incorrect

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Hello, lactose intolerant person. Your stomach has repeatedly made you aware that you have a dairy sensitivity via violent diarrhea, yet you never alter your eating habits. In front of you is a delicious salad with a nice shredded cheddar. Next to it is another salad of the same quality, minus the cheese that your stomach so despises. The door will unlock and you will be set free regardless of which one you pick, because I already know which one you are going to pick, and there is no trap I could set that is worse than the fate you have sealed for yourself. Good luck out there soldier.

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an unmatched feeling actually

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internet ransom note where instead of magazine letters it’s just jpgs of letters found on google

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we have to stop moralizing the human condition and start jerking each other off while making out

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tangerine snail 🍊

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now that i am a real adult i am starting to realise. media lied to me about the availability of rooftops to go hang out on. every day i wish i could be hanging out on a rooftop somewhere looking cool as fuck

#that’s what they want you to think #any rooftop is accessible if you try hard enough #you might have to run real fast after but like #you COULD get on

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I am a very simple person. I think about triviumate cuddles and then I smile

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#it’s hot as balls in my building #stinky sweaty etc #shower in morning

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Huge fan of when my speech patterns rub off on people enjoy when thay happens

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How to write Roach (and other horses)

I’ve seen a LOT of fics starring Roach. And it’s amazing, I love how this fandom just accepted a horse as an important character and went with it. I’d like to help the writers out and give some tips about writing horses! So, here we go:

physical limitations of a horse:

two riders won’t fit in a saddle simultaneously (except if one of them is a very small child). a second rider won’t fit in front of the saddle as the saddle is located directly behind the neck of the horse. so the only way for a horse to carry two riders is one sitting behind the saddle as we saw in the djinn episode

however it’s not a good idea to frequently ride in tandem as it’s very hard on the horse’s back

about what a horse can or can’t carry: generally, it’s best to avoid the horse carrying above 20% of its body weight frequently. that includes the rider and the equipment. an average horse weighs about 500 kg, or 1100 lbs (though draft horses can be over twice the weight, but they’re not really built for riding). so 100 kg or 220 lbs is already quite a lot for a horse. obviously those are modern day standards based on modern knowledge and and historically horses used to carry quite a bit more

horse height is measured in hands. an average horse is around 14-17 hands or 140-170 cm, though they can be significantly smaller or larger. Geralt is quite tall so Roach is probably somewhere around 170 cm, or 17 hands

horses have a really large field of vision to their sides, but have a blind spot directly behind and directly in front of them

a top speed of a horse is around 70 km/h, or 44 mph. note this is a top speed of a horse specifically bred for going fast, for a very short time 

the average speed of a galloping horse is 40-50 km/h, or 25-30 mph

the gaits are walk, trot, canter and gallop. walk is slow-paced (about the same speed as human walk or slightly faster) and comfortable to ride. trot is faster but usually quite uncomfortable, being quite bouncy. it depends a lot on the horse, though. canter is generally faster than trot, is similar to gallop but slower, and actually more comfortable for the rider than trot. canter is the gait we see in ep5 when Geralt first brings Jaskier to Chireadan. a horse can also alter its speed within a gait, so, for example, fast trot can be faster than slow canter

a horse can move at slow pace for a really long time, but only run at full speed for a short time. the most a horse can gallop at full speed is around 3-4 km, or 2-3 miles

80-100 km, or 50-60 miles in a day is a long distance for a horse to travel though doable. 50 km, or 30 miles in a day is more realistic, less if the terrain is difficult

some pointers about the gear: 

 the horse wears a bridle when ridden. usually, the bridle has a metal mouthpiece called a bit. the part that the rider holds is called reins (not reigns. a king reigns. the bridle has reins) and the reins are connected to the bit from the both sides. the reins are gently used for steering and stopping/slowing down. a rider can let go of the reins while riding and they will hang against the horse’s neck, though if the horse lower its head, the reins may slip over the head to the ground (I can totally see that happening to Jaskier if he’s riding)

alternatively, the horse can wear a halter. that’s what we see on Roach in ep6, when they’re preparing to leave for the mountain. halters aren’t generally used for riding, they lack the bit and are simpler but sturdier. they are used for tying or leading the horse. the lead rope is attached to the halter under the horse’s chin

the saddle bags are placed behind the saddle on both sides and should be evenly filled

the saddle is secured in place by a girth, which needs to be properly tightened. not tight enough girth can cause the saddle rolling to the side. you can use this to add some nice drama to your story!

the rider’s feet are placed in stirrups. they can slip through the stirrups, which can potentially be really dangerous if the rider falls off the horse and gets dragged behind with the foot stuck in the stirrup. drama potential, again!

random things:

a horse’s snout is called a muzzle. it’s very velvety soft and lovely. it’s also extremely flexible as well as sensitive, horses actually are able to differentiate between plants and tell which ones are edible with their muzzle. if you give a (well-behaved) horse a treat, she’ll gently pick it up from your palm with her lips and it will tickle a bit

Netflix Roach is chestnut in color. game Roach is bay. some other horse colors are black and brown (duh), grey (the shade can vary greatly), palomino (golden), buckskin (golden with black mane and tail), dun (sandy), piebald (large black and white patches). true white horses are extremely rare, white-looking horses are usually white greys

some horses mentioned in The Witcher 3 are Nilfgaardian black (”from the purest Nilfgaardian stock”), Redanian chestnut (”a pureblood Redanian. gallant steed, but too headstrong for my taste. difficult to control”) and Zerrikanian bay (”Zerrikanians are reputed to have incredible stamina”)

limping in a horse is called lameness. a horse can go lame for a ton of reasons and it’s quite common. even a horseshoe coming off can make some horses lame

a horse can kick really hard, easily hard enough to kill someone. horses are also able to kick incredibly high, even someone on the head, and are really precise with their kicks. a horse can kick with its front legs too, it’s called striking. kicking with back legs is usually defensive or fearful behavior while striking is full on aggression. horses can also bite or even grab people with their teeth but it’s really uncommon

sometimes horses can also kick on accident, like knocking someone with their front hooves when rearing or trying to kick off a fly but kicking a person instead. that can happen easily if someone stands in their blind spot

horses get spooked easily. when spooked, they usually rear or jump to their side and it’s easy to lose balance and fall off. a spooked horse can also bolt, which means galloping uncontrollably at full speed

horses don’t neigh a lot. it’s really not that common. the most common sounds are nicker (a soft sound, often heard when a horse is happy to see its owner), snort (usually means contentment), or whinny (when the horse is spooked)

an angry or frightened horse flattens its ears back towards its neck. its called ear pinning

horses are extremely smart. they’re able to tell human facial expressions apart, recognise other horses and people even after years of separation, and learn very well. they’re not dogs, though, so they won’t sniff stuff out

many horses will try and grab a bite of grass or leaves when riding at slow pace. stubborn ones may also stop to nibble on an especially delicious patch of grass

This ended up being quite a list, but I really hope someone will find this useful! Let’s make our favorite equine that little bit more well-written!

#horses!

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unfortunately no eclipse photography can ever outdo the waffle house one from 2017

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