beneathmyhijab

[beneathmyhijab]

the time is mine now. to be more self-aware and okay with not having control. i'm doing amazing. i deserve more credit than i give myself

[beneathmyhijab]

wow, I haven't written in a long time. Looking back so much has changed. from being worried that I won't be able to secure a job, to now. Alhamdulillah. It's so, so tiring, but I'm learning and earning. I'm also entrusted to do things. More work, and long hours, but my bosses are very nice people. everything has its drawbacks right? but I'm much happier than I was a year ago. It was really a lot. but to be in a better place, alhamdulillah.

but no, i'm still holding on firmly to my dreams. i'm not letting it all go. i'll work on them alongside this. I will make it happen. i will, insya allah.

[beneathmyhijab]

I’m tired.

[beneathmyhijab]

sometimes it’s better to love from a distance? haha painful ain’t it

[beneathmyhijab]

Where am I now? I don't know.

I've reached this time where everything is starting to feel numb and I don't care much about anything anymore. sure I want to be happy and avoid as much pain as possible. but life just throws you rocks. one day you think you have it, the motivation, the drive and the hard-to-get discipline, but it all comes crashing down again. the pain comes back and suffering seems inevitable.

it sucks even more when the people who were once there say you've changed so much. Is that not the point of life though? to actually evolve? I'm here, at this point, where I am tending and healing all the wounds I never got to heal because I was doing my best, going at God's Speed, not knowing it'll hurt me in the long run.

I did so many things because I had to, not because I wanted to. Sure, you can say that everyone has to do something and is forced to by circumstances. But I've made it a point to want to heal from the things that hurt me. I don't want to bleed on people and be bitter.

Adulting is so icky and disgusting and frustrating. Since young, when all they've told you to focus on your future and prepare for rainy days. Uhuh, I'm thankful for all of that. However, I must say that I wished I had the leeway and the opportunity to live life a little more.

To not be tied down by responsibilities or expectations. I want to be free, I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for?

[beneathmyhijab]

if it's meant to hurt today, perhaps tomorrow shall be merry

[beneathmyhijab]

sometimes you wonder how or why and if you'll ever be enough. that's how it always has been. maybe I need to learn to convince myself that I'll never get it where I seek it. it'll be found in the most unexpected places. but it shall be found. someday. it shall appear when it's time and when I'm ready. trust and be still, you'll be fine. not the right time, not the right place, all you have to do is wait.

[beneathmyhijab]

will I ever be enough? will I ever be the person you're proud of? will I ever be more than my achievements that are only fleeting?

growing up is realising your parents aren't superheroes. it's realising that no matter how much you try, it'll never be enough for people. it's realising that you only truly have yourself to depend on.

I don't mean that in a 'I have no one to talk to or share my sadness with.' more like, 'I can only depend on myself to be happy and fight the demons. I only have myself to rely on.' I've always known that.

only that growing older makes it seem more real. that life isn't magic. it's vicious and cruel. all those ideas they try to feed you, they're there to give you hope. even if it's just for a minute. because that's what we all need. hope.

we cling onto the smallest things because we need anything we can get to feel like life is worth it. what's the point? there's no purpose.

life is not fun at all. sure we can be hopeful and chase things because we only live once. if pain is all we're going to experience, might as well jump really high and feel the most pain right?

staying small and feeling hurt sucks. Let's just dive and jump and see where it goes. fly or die? it all feels the same. we're all going to die in the end. it's just a matter of if we have a life full of memories.

live and be dead.

[beneathmyhijab]

i’m the problem.

it’s me. it’s in me. there’s something wrong with me.

- things we tell ourselves everyday

[beneathmyhijab]

blank. mind blank. where do i begin? to see yourself evolve into someone you've never imagined yourself being. while you like the person you're slowly becoming, it feels odd. parts of you that you've always known has to die to make way for who's to come. the change is very uncomfortable. you have to stray away from what you've always known. it's good, definitely but to no longer be able to define yourself in that manner, is honestly strange.

no one ever told you the journey can be rather lonely. that peace is loneliness sometimes. it doesn't mean you're alone. just, there's a void. having to pour away what filled that void to make way and build a bigger space for greater things, for a greater you.

sometimes it feels like you're lost and struggling to map out a new path. familiarity is all you've ever known but this time, you have to let go. letting go and moving on. it's not the same is it?

letting go is releasing all the things that hindered you from moving forward and being able to finally breathe. but moving on? moving on is flipping the pages and writing a whole new chapter altogether. but having to do both at the same time? drives you mad mmost times.

every decision you make has its consequence and i was never prepared for this. maybe i knew it deep down, but having to face it head on when you least expect it is wild.

maybe i still i want to be stuck on this page, maybe I want to reread the pages over and over until my heart is ready. but we will never be ready. just fly and fall. take risks they say. but impending fears. will they ever understand? they say we're all the same inside; but we're not broken the same. we're all different. just walking on earth, with varied destinations. how will they ever understand?

[beneathmyhijab]

Does love feel like you eating your own thoughts sometimes? Why does it feel like you can so easily let your guard down and be vulnerable? That all your beliefs and rules you've always had can be thrown away just like that? Love doesn't make sense at all does it? It makes you feel so irrational, which could be why people make the most impulsive decisions. Feels like a drug. He feels like a drug and I am an addict. When it comes to you, I am completely, utterly a fool.

[beneathmyhijab]

Progress over perfection

Learn to see your value or people will determine it for you.

[beneathmyhijab]

They say believe in Allah's timing. Believe that everything Allah has destined for is the best thing. In times when bad and hard things happen, it's pretty difficult to accept it.

And then times passes by and everything feels like magic. Everything starts to make sense and fall into place in the most beautiful way. Maybe we think, how we planned life out is beautiful and ideal. But we fail to realise that He is the best of writers and each of us has a unique story.

I dare say mine has been painful, but ironically beautiful as well. I've been through a lot, it's crazy but I think everything that has happened was actually beautifully written.

it made me realise that sometimes, we need to say Alhamdulillah for the bad times too. So Alhamdulillah for the good and all the bad, I hope we get to understand that we need a balance of both to truly appreciate the small things in life.

[beneathmyhijab]

why do I feel so comfortable with you? Is this how it's supposed to feel like? Having your walls down? And really immersing yourself in the moment to feel? This is a scary feeling. But it's nice, feels good. I feel good about myself. To be loved. Hits different from giving so much love. It feels like everything is starting to make sense. You make me happy. You make me really happy. Alhamdulillah for you.

[beneathmyhijab]

this is a beautiful feeling and I never want to lose it. But leave it to Allah. Allah holds our hearts and He has power over ALL things. Don't grip on too tight but don't be too quick to let go. Trust, breathe and fly. We'll get there if we're meant to. Otherwise, this can be another beautiful memory to cherish for life.

[beneathmyhijab]

you know when you write so many letters for someone but you can never send them. that hurts. that really hurts

[beneathmyhijab]

how do you forgive yourself? how do you move forward knowing you've hurt someone you claim to love? how do you live with the fact that you treated someone so sincere like that?

it hurts. it actually hurts knowing you've hurt someone that much. it's time you'll never get back. it's the heart you broke. the very heart you said you'd cherish.