iimmortals·:
𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐅𝐅 alternatives for where she’ll make herself sleep , and kit is suddenly reminded of the way he always caves for her . they’re far from the unstoppable force and immovable object ; natalie is , most certainly , the unstoppable force . but resist as he might , he’ll always move to accommodate her , so long as it makes her happy . he’d do anything to make her happy , and maybe that makes him pathetic , but he can’t stop . kit thinks he’ll probably be hung up on natalie for the rest of his life — what a fucking sob story . he can’t let go , even after she’s turned him away innumerable times . the thing is , all it takes is one night like this , one time of her showing up , and any progress he might’ve made tumbles right out of his grasp .
he’s about to keep arguing , push this issue until she sees his side of things , but he should’ve known that she’d always get the last word in . i can’t , she insists , and there he goes again , resolve crumbling at a single look from natalie . “ fine , ” he gives in , unsurprised to find himself where he’s been plenty of times before : at her mercy . he’s far more used to it than he’d like to be , but he’s resigned himself to the fact that more often than not , her word is like gospel to him .
still , he’s not going to let go without a final offer . he cards a hand through his hair , feeling ridiculous for the nerves that bubble up in his stomach at the idea , but he says it aloud nonetheless . “ you’re welcome to share with me , still . if you don’t want to stay on the couch , ” he tells her , meeting her eyes after a moment . they’d slept in the same bed innumerable amount of times when they were together , natalie a comforting presence even on his most sleepless of nights . he’d slept better when she was there , honestly ; even a quick glance at her sleeping form always helped him to relax , to remember that he wasn’t alone . the first few weeks after they’d broken up , his bed had felt unbearably empty . kit isn’t quite sure if it’ll be better or worse to have her back in it , if she so chooses .
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐒 , natalie knows EXACTLY what is said about her when people think she’s not listening . it’s not shocking — no , she knows better than to be taken by surprise when people look at her and see HER FATHER and all his many mistakes , when they see the girl who testified to put him behind bars and , inadvertently ( though the technicalities of it never mattered to the average nosy onlooker , anyway ) stole the last of the breath in his lungs , when they see a MONSTER . the thing is , she hears them . the thing is , they’re wrong about her , though she can’t blame them for it when she’s never given them any reason to think otherwise . the thing is , the only person in this whole fucked up world who has ever looked at her long enough to know that she’s MORE than some heartless , hateful bitch is standing right in front of her . the thing is , no matter how much time passes , she’s unable to shake the fear of losing him .
if natalie loses kit — when natalie loses kit — then she loses the only person who has ever seen her and the only person who ever would . she loses the only person who would ever love her . the only person she would ever love . when she loses kit , she loses EVERYTHING — all that’s worth keeping from her past , where she is now , and the untouchable future she could never have . and as horrible and selfish and cruel of her as it is , she’s not READY . letting kit get this close to her in the first place was a mistake , but it was a mistake that she’d make a million times over if she got the chance . natalie knows that kit deserves better , and that there’s so much more for him in this world , and she knows that she has to let him go so that he can get there , but she CAN’T . not now . right now , she wants to pretend a little while longer that they live in some pretty , fantasy world where she and kit can find their way back to each other ( they won’t ) and how much she loves him could somehow be enough ( it isn’t ) and one day she’ll try and pretend that the memories of what they once had are ENOUGH ( they aren’t . )
she starts to turn towards the couch once she hears the word FINE be heaved out , like it was some great effort to give into her and allow himself the opportunity to sleep in his own bed — which , knowing kit , it probably WAS . what she isn’t expecting is to hear him speak up again , and certainly NOT to tell her that she could sleep in his bed . the breath she takes in is slow and shaky , and she’s just hoping that she’s turned away from him enough that he can’t see the way that she looks down to turn the lighter over in her palm a few times before tracing the heart with her thumb . it’s a TERRIBLE idea , sleeping in kit’s bed with him . it is , quite possibly , one of the worst ideas that she’s ever heard come out of christopher hawthorne’s stupid mouth . even worse is the quiet , “ okay , ” that she hears come out of her own mouth before she’s even all the way turned around to face him again . it was definitely too quick of a response , too eager , but it’s too fucking late to do anything about it now , so . “ okay , ” she says again , sounding a little more solid , but not much . “ but if you want me to leave , i’ll leave . ” she says it every time she dares to toe the line with kit , whenever she’s inches from overstepping . she knows that he knows , same way she knows exactly what his answer will be , but she says it anyway . “ just say the words . ”
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𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐒 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐎𝐔𝐓 , he sees the cigarette in her hand and wonders if she’s noticed his lighter ; the same one , of course , that he’d had when they were together . the heart is hidden somewhere behind her thumb , and he can’t help but think of the day she etched it into the surface of the lighter . everything had been lighter , then . easier . he struggled to remember the way he’d laughed like it was nothing back then , like there was some endless font of happiness within him , fueled purely by natalie’s smile and the way she gave him shit for teasing her . these days , it was all he could do to summon a painful half - smile , wincing at the knowledge of how false it must have seemed to anyone around him .
spine straightening at the threat , i’d sooner leave , kit sets his mouth in a firm line , frown dragging his brows together in displeasure . “ natalie , don’t be fucking ridiculous , ” he says, in that same tired , measured tone . natalie , don’t be ridiculous . natalie , don’t turn away from me . natalie , please don’t leave . he’d begged only once for her to stay , and she’d walked out the door to the soundtrack of his breakdown . no , that wasn’t true : he’d begged more than enough times , enough to humble a stronger man , but only with liquid courage flowing through his veins . sober , he was much quieter , the begging resorted to his eyes , a silent language he wasn’t sure if she spoke anymore .
ultimately , he sighs , dragging a hand down his face . “ i’m not sleeping there , so i don’t know where the hell you think you’re going to sleep if i’m already on the couch , ” he insists , jaw set in a stubborn line . “ and don’t make another threat about going home . it’s almost four in the goddamn morning and people are missing , for fuck’s sake . if you think i’m letting you out that door , you don’t know me as well as i thought you did . ”
𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄'𝐒 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐎 fight him further on it , maybe even do pick her head up and walk out his front door if it means that he’ll at least try to sleep in his own goddamn bed , but all the fight in her DIES when she actually makes herself look him in the eyes . she’s not sure if her lingering ability to read even the subtlest of cues and quietest of sentiments with ease . no matter how guarded he tries to make himself , he’s a book that natalie has read HUNDREDS of times now , margins filled with her own careful annotations and certain phrases underlined to repeat over and over to herself until they’re burned into her memory . the way that kit asks for things with his eyes long before he can find the words is one of those . carefully , she turns away from him for a moment to stub her cigarette out on the windowsill before returning his gaze . “ sleep in your bed and i won’t have to be so fucking ridiculous , ” she says pointedly , a promise of her own — she won’t leave , yet — in her eyes as she does .
she doesn’t deserve him . that’s always , ALWAYS been so painfully apparent and it only hits her with MORE brute force now when he insists upon protecting her , upon keeping her here . the accusation that she doesn’t know him BURNS , but she forces herself to keep her mouth shut anyway . it doesn’t matter how well she knows him , there’s nothing to gain from asserting that she still has him memorized inside - out or that she knows him better than she’ll ever know anyone else — better than she might ever know herself . that’s just selfish , and she’s already been selfish enough for one night , she thinks .
“ in your bathtub . on the floor , ” she begins to rattle off, ticking off the ideas on her fingers . “ i’m SURE i’ll figure something out , and if you want to take the couch anyway and give up a perfectly comfortable bed for the night , then be my guest , but i — ” she shakes her head , trying to ignore the way her heart rate is starting to pick up , too much , too fast . the idea of sleeping in kit’s bed is at least a little bit tempting , but the majority of her feels like she’s being suffocated with it . she doesn’t know if she can DO THAT — go lay in his bed , alone , and be fine with it . it feels like it might destroy her . “ i’m not — i can’t , i CAN’T . okay ? ”
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𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐘 to jumpers , which makes his heart ache with familiarity . he misses the way she hoarded them , gleefully insisting that he had nothing to be worried about , since she wasn’t taking his sweaters at all . he clings to memories like that in moments like this : moments when he’s not quite sure if he’ll ever have that kind of happiness again . moments when he stares into the bottom of his empty glass , willing it to wipe the memory from his mind entirely . moments when he thinks better to have loved and lost than never loved at all is bullshit , if it means all this fucking suffering . he stands up abruptly , unable to stand another second of her sad smile , and takes her glass without asking first . their fingers brush , and he already knows he’ll be thinking about it for weeks . “ i’ll get you a refill , ” he says, if only for the excuse to distance himself .
kit turns away , their glasses in hand , and when he reaches the liquor cabinet he has to take a second to breathe . it’s never as easy as he thinks it’ll be : he thinks maybe this time he can look at her without his heart breaking , maybe this time he can hear her voice without crumbling . but it’s never true , and he’s so tired of picking the pieces back up every time she’s gone again . still , he tortures himself over and over , walking the same path back to her door . maybe he’s a masochist . maybe it’d be better to quit this conversation while they’re ahead , instead . save them both the heartache . “ actually , we should probably try to get some sleep , ” he says , his back still to her as he tries to get his emotions under control . “ you know where the bedroom is . i can take the couch . don’t worry about walking home ; it’s late . ”
𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐄𝐒𝐍'𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐙𝐄 that she’s stopped being able to BREATHE correctly until kit’s turned away from her and left the room . only then does she finally manage to get a deep breath in . she forgets how hard it is to be around him without feeling like she’s DROWNING , trying to keep her head above the water as the storm in her chest starts to rise . it’s so hard . her skin is on fire where kit’s fingers brushed against her own and her arms are h e a v y with the weight of keeping herself from reaching out for him . she wants to hide her face into the crook of his neck and stay there until the morning comes and just start over , until all she had to think about is the smell of his cologne and smoke . she wants to smoke , that’s what she wants .
natalie turns her gaze , spotting kit’s jacked tossed over the corner of the couch and nods to herself . she leans forward , stretches out her arm until she can catch the sleeve of the jacket and tug it into her lap . sure enough , in the pocket she finds a half empty pack of MARLBOROS and a lighter . it isn’t until she has the window open and she’s leaning against it with a cigarette between her lips that she realizes she recognizes it — cherry red , because it matched the pack of LUCKY STRIKES that natalie picked because she liked the name . kit made fun of her in equal measures for BOTH and , in reply , she’d done nothing but scratched a heart into the side of the lighter and told him that he could tease her all he liked . it all feels like a lifetime away , now .
she’s pulled from her thoughts by the sound of kit approaching with a change of plans , and natalie’s already eyeing the door behind him when he starts to run his mouth again and she has to cut him off . “ i’m NOT stealing your bed , ” she says , short and to the point , not leaving any room for arguing . she won’t . she WILL NOT barge into his house and force him out of his own room . “ i’m serious , you better not try and convince me otherwise , because it won’t work . ” she pulls her cigarette from between her lips and holds it between her fingers as she stares him down . and , for good measure , “ i’d sooner LEAVE and go home . ”
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iimmortals·:
“ 𝐖𝐄’𝐑𝐄 𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐀 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑 , ” he remarks , the ghost of a smirk tugging at the edges of his mouth . that’s all he can manage anymore : shells of the way he used to feel , parodies of deep , meaningful emotions . these days , it’s easier to be numb than it is to feel the heartbreak . in the pursuit of a fragment of peace , he cuts out any semblance of emotion at all . that , or he dulls it with alcohol and nicotine — just like the two of them are doing now . all of this feels like an elaborate game , like they’re tiptoeing around things they can’t — won’t ? — say , monologues written in a single glance , a chance at dialogue etched in the subtle angling of his body toward hers . but the thing is , kit isn’t quite sure if he knows the translation of her body language anymore . though they’d once moved as one , things between them had changed . what if he no longer understood the workings of her mind ? such a thing seemed impossible , but he knew that with time , it would become more and more true . one day , at this rate , they would be strangers . and that terrifies him .
he knows he has one guess left , and you love me still lingers on his tongue . he bites back the thought , cowardly as always , unable to listen to her evade one more question on his long list of attempts . “ my sweaters are more comfortable than yours . ” slips out before he can stop himself , but he can’t bring himself to regret it . kit recalls an image of her in one of his winter sweaters, hair almost red - gold in the morning sun , laughing over a cup of coffee as they burned their breakfast — but as soon as it’s there , it’s gone again , fading back into a long - gone memory.
𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄'𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐒𝐓𝐔𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 , whatever mask of indifference — regardless of how poorly maintained it had been — slips and her mouth goes dry at his words . she KNOWS that he doesn’t mean it like that , the way she wants him to , but once her mind has latched onto them it’s futile to try and get herself to give them up . ‘ we’re quite a pair , ’ kit had said . we ARE , not we WERE . he’s referring to them as a we , and she wants to live in this moment as long as she can , even if it breaks her heart . we are , we are , we are . it’s not nearly enough , not when he’s RIGHT THERE , and her fingers are still trembling , and if she were to close her eyes then her father’s face would still be looking back at her the way it had been when she was jolted from sleep not that long ago . it’s not enough when what she really wants is to pretend that the last ten months never happened and curl up in his bed to sleep because he’s the only person who has ever managed to keep the nightmares at bay . it’s NOT ENOUGH , but she’ll pretend that it is , because it HAS to be . she almost can’t manage to say anything in reply , but her next words fall from her lips before she can process them . “ we are . ”
his third guess isn’t what she thought it would be , and she feels herself lose her footing once again . she isn’t sure if he’s looking close enough to see the flash of pain that she knows lingers on her features for longer than she’s comfortable with . part of her thinks — part of her fears — that he knows her too well to miss it . it doesn’t matter how quickly she tilts her face away from his line of sight in attempt to keep him from seeing the HURT that is written across her face . when she finally does lift her eyes back to find his — not quickly enough for it to be considered casual , she wants to kick herself for being so obvious — her smile is sad and doesn’t come anywhere close to her eyes . she lifts her hand , taps her finger against her temple twice , as though to praise his intelligence before finishing off her drink . “ yes , now is the PERFECT time to come rob you of all your jumpers , with — ” the words get caught in her throat , too close to vulnerability for them to come out effortlessly . the rest of her words come out quieter than the first part of her sentence , her voice sounding almost strained . almost . “ — with spring on the way . ”
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𝐈’𝐋𝐋 𝐆𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐆𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐒 . he gives her a dubious look at this offer , but he knows her well enough that he shouldn’t have expected a straight answer in the first place . this was a vulnerable moment for them both ; the fact that she’s here at all is the maximum amount he can expect in terms of honesty for the night . perhaps he can pry answers out of her , akin to pulling teeth , but she’s not going to volunteer anything . typical bullheaded natalie . he misses her stubbornness . kit sets his now - empty glass on the table, letting out a breath of air that’s a poor semblance of a sigh . he can think of some ideas on his own , surely : it’s cold , and she wanted somewhere warm . she knocked on the wrong door . she’s out of liquor , and knew he’d have some . she’s still in love with him . she misses him . the last two are fantasies , idle dreams his mind floats through his consciousness to keep him going . he knows if he voices them aloud , it will only upset her , and he doesn’t want to risk driving her out the door almost as soon as she’s come inside .
“ you couldn’t sleep , ” he guesses , sticking to just one . an easy one — a cop out , really . neither one of them had ever had the easiest time sleeping , though it didn’t necessarily mean an automatic voyage to the other’s house . not anymore , at least . kit missed a time when a night full of tosses and turns at least meant turning into the arms of someone else ; now , he faced only empty space and the cool, smooth pillow next to his own , unoccupied for quite some time . he looks back down at his empty glass , already feeling the familiar urge to get up and refill it . “ you wanted a trip down memory lane , ” he guesses next , intending it as a dry sort of joke , but it falls flat . after all , that’s something he’s wanted for a long time .
𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐊𝐈𝐓'𝐒 𝐆𝐀𝐙𝐄 falls on her , heavy and so tired , she has the decency to allow guilt to pickle in her stomach . still , she refuses to relent in her offer , eyebrows quirking in something between a question and a challenge . she would feel worse if she wasn’t certain that kit already KNEW that this is exactly how it would go , that he knows her better than to expect anything else . she’s not like kit . she doesn’t have a seemingly ENDLESS font of patience and kindness and tenderness built inside of her . her edges are too sharp and the ghosts of her past are too numerous and she’s not sure she’ll EVER be a good person . she wanted to be . god , she wanted to be . but she wasn’t .
the first one he offers up is easy . too easy . she realizes , suddenly , that he’s playing it safe on purpose and something wraps around her throat — though not outright constricting her breathing YET — as she realizes that whatever he says next will NOT be playing it safe . still , she lifts her chin a touch before lowering it in what is likely the world’s smallest nod . “ boring , ” she says in reply , as though she’s indifferent to what his next guess might be when , really , her chest is tight in anticipation . “ you know i can’t ever sleep . ” and then his second guess comes in like a stab to her chest , a SHARP pain catching her off - guard . she can’t bring herself to LIE to him . she’s never been able to lie to him . even when she ended things , it was always ‘ I CAN’T ’ instead of ‘ I DON’T WANT ’ and ‘ PLEASE DON’T ASK THAT ’ instead of ‘ I DON’T LOVE YOU. ’ there were some things that even she couldn’t do . she doesn’t shake her head , doesn’t tell him he’s wrong , doesn’t know how to do anything but look at him with the same guarded expression before she tears her attention away to take another drink . “ last guess , better make it a good one , ” she says , like a warning , though she’s not sure what for .
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𝐇𝐄 𝐆𝐎𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐐𝐔𝐎𝐑 𝐂𝐀𝐁𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐓 , a practiced path , and goes through the same motions he always does when he can’t sleep . the alcohol is a poor substitute for a normal resting schedule , but the dreamless nights it provides him are something he’s thankful for . after all , it’s better than being haunted by the living ghost on his couch . he pulls down a bottle , pouring them both a glass of whiskey — then , thinking better of it , he makes it a double each . “ what can i say ? the more things change , the more they stay the same , ” he quips , picking up both glasses and bringing them over to where she’s currently sitting . he hands one to her , then settles down a respectable distance away on the couch , as if that would actually have any sort of effect . it was almost laughable , really ; he could be three feet from her or three hundred miles , and his feelings would never diminish .
now that they’re here , though , he isn’t quite sure what to do . they do this , sometimes ; usually it’s him , drunk out of his mind , calling or showing up because he just can’t let go . those nights , his tongue is loose , and it’s easier to tell her he misses her . right now , though , his glass is cool in his hands , and all he can think is i want to kiss you . instead, he brings the whiskey to his lips , and downs it in one . “ what’s keeping you up ? ” he asks , because there has to be a reason she’s here . he fixes her with the same dark stare , his features only ever able to half - hide how he feels about her . “ i’m sure you didn’t come here just to exchange pleasantries . ”
𝐊𝐈𝐓'𝐒 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐂𝐊 all the air out of her chest in one foul swoop — or , maybe it’s the way she’s unable to keep herself from allowing their fingers to brush when she reaches for her glass . either way , she’s left struggling to catch her breath when she mulls over his words , silently . the more things change , the more they DO stay the same , as evidenced by the way she still can’t manage to stay away from him . she isn’t drunk enough to lie to herself about the things she KNOWS that kit says to her , but she’s also not drunk enough to let herself think about them for long enough to do something she’ll regret . if she lets kit in again , really lets him in again , she knows she won’t be strong enough to try and live a life without him . she’s not even strong enough for that RIGHT NOW , no matter how much she tries to convince herself that her lingering presence in kit’s life is to keep him from going off the rails again — a sight that she NEVER wanted to witness again — when she knows it’s really because she’s SELFISH person at her core . her father’s daughter . “ inspirational , ” she finally manages to get out , voice dry . “ you should put that on a bumper sticker . ”
her shoulders square a little at his accusation . she deserves every last bit of the hostility that kit offers her . she deserves the dark , cool stare . she deserves to hear what he thinks of her now , but it still STINGS . there’s a dull ache in the center of her palms , and she instinctively flexes her fingers of the hand that isn’t holding her drink before curling it into a fist , fixing her eyes on the amber whiskey in her glass to avoid kit’s gaze . “ yes , well . i’ve never been known for being pleasant , or so i’ve been told , ” she says coolly , forcing the edge out of her tone . she started this . instead , she takes a slow drink before clearing her throat and fixing on his question . what brought her here ? she couldn’t very well say that she was in love with him , or even that she missed him . neither were fair . nothing about this was . “ i’ll give you three guesses , ” she says , instead , uncurling her fist to tap a finger against the wrist of the hand holding her drink a couple times . there’s a slight tinge of SOMETHING to her voice , like if her expression wasn’t so tight or pained it might sound like it’s FUNNY to her . instead , it just sounds bitter .
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𝐊𝐈𝐓 𝐃𝐈𝐃 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐅𝐄𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐒𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐒 . one such thing was going to class, though those occasions could , admittedly , be few and far between recently . he was disinterested in most pastimes that didn’t include drinking or smoking , and spent more of his time in stan’s place than he did in a lecture hall . the thing was : women in his life had a way of disappearing . first , it was his sister , beneath the icy depths ; she was followed not long after by his mother , ��who sank back against the wallpaper of their too - large family manor until she was as good as a ghost . most recently , the one that made him truly ACHE — natalie , severing the ties between them like she thought it’d actually be something beneficial .
truth be told , it wasn’t . not in the slightest . despite his best efforts , kit was still painfully , achingly in love with her , and it didn’t matter how many times he told his wretched heart that she was never coming back . every time he saw her , or called her , or even thought of her , the wound was opened anew . occasionally , she reopened it personally , metaphorical knife in hand — like now , as she stood in his doorway, halo of red hair cloaked by night . he steps aside without a word , waiting until she’s inside , away from the chill , before he speaks . “ you know i barely sleep , anyways , ” he says , answering her first question . “ do you want anything to drink ? water ? coffee ? tea ? ” he tilts his head a little after the last option , as if to silently add do you need something stronger ?
𝐊𝐈𝐓 𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐏𝐒 𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 wordlessly and she slips past him in silence and it’s just another set of steps in the endlessly intricate dance they’ve been doing since the first time saw him , nearly three years ago now . sometimes , she thinks that THIS gets more dangerous every time — this , of course , being allowing herself to get caught in kit’s orbit AGAIN . she’d let herself get too comfortable than she had intended to ever be , felt her life become slowly built around him and the way he fit into it like it was easy . she had promised herself that she’d never let anyone think that she was THEIR ANSWER . she had promised herself that she’d never watch another person become RUINED and ROTTEN because of her . she had thought that she could have just a little part of him and be okay with it . she should have KNOWN that he would consume her with a kind of love that burned her alive . it had nearly killed her to pull away from him the first time , and each time she finds another piece of her snagged on him , still , like the strings of her sweater catch on her necklace or her earrings , she feels like she’s DYING all over again .
her lips remain firmly pressed together and her eyes fixed on the wall instead of kit , but it aches down to her BONES when he reminds her of a piece of knowledge that she’d never be able to scrub from her memory — the many nights spent awake , plagued with insomnia and anxiety , unraveling the parts of themselves that they tucked away in their chests and committing them to memory in hazy light of the moon . “ i know , ” she agrees , voice quiet and careful and controlled . her gaze pulls away from the chip in the paint she’s been studying at his question , watching for an offer that she KNOWS he won’t verbalize . sure enough , she catches it in the way his eyes narrow a fraction and the slight scrunch of his eyebrows . she nods once at him before lowering herself onto his couch , drawing her knees in towards her chest in what can ONLY be read as a defensive , protective gesture . “ insomnia’s still a bitch , huh ? ”
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— ∘ ⁛ 。 ☾ ❛ 𝐊𝐈𝐓 — @iimmortals ! ❜
𝐈𝐍 𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐔𝐍𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄 the story of natalie and kit had a much different ending . in another universe , they were a love story written in the stars . in this one , the stars WEPT over the casual & brutal way she broke both their hearts with a few cold , short , disinterested words that contrasted so starkly against the pain that lined her cherry - red lips and warn - torn eyes . it had been ten long months since then , and somehow she STILL found herself outside his door when february gave way to march and the impending start of spring brought a new onslaught of NIGHTMARES with it . somehow , when she was jolted from her slumber in a cold sweat by a scream she hadn’t recognized as her own ‘ til later , the only person she could think to find any shred of comfort in was him . she knew it was a bad idea — a terrible idea , quite possibly one of the worst she ever had — the moment that kit opened the door , but it was far too late to entertain any regrets now . “ did i wake you ? ” she hears herself ask , like it ISN’T nearly quarter - past three in the morning . and then , in lieu of any explanation , “ can i come in ? ”
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— ∘ ⁛ 。 ☾ ❛ @moonhaunted ! ❜
𝐙𝐎𝐄𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐒 𝐍𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 been much of a JOINER , per say . she was never an active participant of any clubs or extracurricular activities growing up , never had much of a niche or any THING of her own . of course , when people start to go missing , it doesn’t seem like the smartest plan for her to continue to hole herself up in her solitude where nobody can testify to her whereabouts . that’s how she finds herself in the theater after her sociology lecture , warily eyeing the crowd of people engaged with whatever show they’re working on . “ i’m just here for an a l i b i , ” she says , probably a little TOO blunt , to the person at her side — which just so happens to be otto . “ i’m not claiming i’ll be any good at . . well , ANYTHING . ”
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— ∘ ⁛ 。 ☾ ❛ @moonhaunted ! ❜
𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄'𝐒 𝐅𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐀𝐒 an inexplicable ability to follow her around , even now . he’s been DEAD for three years now and she s t i l l finds herself standing in the dark from time to time , his shadow cast over her . it often happens when she least expects it — like NOW , when she’s just minding her business in class , trying to finish her group work , when she reaches for the next play they have to analyze and comes face to face with his name . MICHEL BEAUSOLEIL . she remembers the winter that he wrote this one . more specifically , she remembers the blonde leading lady who occupied most of his time over christmas that year . “ la douleur exquise , ” she reads aloud , nose wrinkling slightly in disdain. “ j'en ai ral le cul . jesus . s’a fucking SHIT play . ”
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— ∘ ⁛ 。 ☾ ❛ 𝐁𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐒 — @shakespecre ! ❜
𝐒𝐇𝐄'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐄 what exactly happened between her and boris , if she’s being completely honest . he was one of her closest friends once . even after the break - up they were still friends . they had ALWAYS been friends first . it’s why they worked — at least , as well as they could have worked while she was actively lying to herself . well . semantics . the point was , now it felt like she hardly ever saw him , and if she DID it was because she took the time to track him down . like today , when she finds him in the library and corners him before he can vanish on her . “ hey , ” she greets , shifting her weight from one heel to another . “ is this seat taken ? ”
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efitzgerald·:
SOMETIMES IT FELT like a dream. the perfect fantasy, hidden behind an old academy door. these moments—- while often, still held a special place within esther’s heart and she cherished each second like it was her last. almost as if she’d wake up one day and she would be back in ireland and zoey would be nothing more than a memory. “ for you? of course. ” she said, shifting her position on the floor ever so slightly in order to face her roommate better, a bright smile appearing. adjusting her glasses she read aloud. “ ‘ your place looks like the world’s fair, ’ i said. ” her voice dropping low but still excitable as the nick carraway. “ ‘ does it? ’ he turned his eyes toward it absently. ‘ i have been glancing into some of the rooms. let’s go to coney island, old sport. in my car. ’ ” her gatsby impression boisterous and proud, mimicking those of the lead actors in the academy’s plays. she pauses for a moment, watching zoey’s expression and reactions with admiration before going on.
𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 feels a little like magic to zoey . like she has the ability to lift zoey out of this world and place her gently in another without so much as lifting a finger . all zoey has to do is close her eyes and the mere sound of esther’s voice transports her to another place altogether . it almost feels DANGEROUS sometimes , how easily she’s able to forget reality . though maybe it’s more a matter of how much she w a n t s to forget reality , how much nicer it sounds to exist somewhere that it’s just the two of them and they can be whatever they want . she’s pulled from her thoughts by the GATSBY - VOICE she’d been so insistent on , and it’s just as good as she remembered . there’s a moment where esther pauses and zoey takes the opportunity to nod her approval , flashing the girl a little thumbs up in encouragement before rolling flat on her back and closing her eyes . when it’s like this , she’s just a hair’s breadth away from being swept up in the glitz and the glamour of the roaring twenties , herself .
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iimmortals·:
𝐈𝐓’𝐒 𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 , 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 ; this campus is only so big , and students tend to make themselves scarce after their kind had started to go missing . nevertheless , running into natalie halfway across an empty quad hadn’t been something he’d prepared himself for . he’s kicking himself for that fact now , the redhead impossible to avoid when they’re the only two out and about . truth be told — if given the opportunity to avoid natalie , kit would never be strong enough to take it . he still calls her on drunken nights , aching to hear her voice , and even a simple , awkward hello will bolster him for a while . “ natalie , ” he says , shifting from one foot to the other . how do you talk to the ex - girlfriend you’re still hung up on long after you’ve broken up ? kit desperately wishes he knew. “ you , uh … you look nice . ” great start. / @beauzoleils·
𝐈𝐓 𝐆𝐎𝐄𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 this : natalie sees kit across the quad , a little voice in the back of her mind tells her to take a quick turn down a different corridor , she subsequently silences said voice in favor of listening to the one that goads her towards kit — the same one that compels her to pick up her phone and dial his number that she has yet to make herself remove from her memory — and then pretends to be taken by surprise when she hears him say her name . “ kit , ” she replies , thankful that she has the foresight to know that saying something like ‘ i didn’t see you there ’ is overkill and most certainly N O T casual . she doesn’t talk to him sober . not because she doesn’t want to — god , she WANTS to , so much more than she’s supposed to — but because it just isn’t what they do . she’s painfully sober right now , and it does very little to quiet the urge in the back of her mind to reach forward and smooth down his collar for him . but it’s fine . really . “ yeah , so do you . ” she hates the way that they talk to each other like they’re STRANGERS , like they’ve been so completely rearranged by the love they once shared . but here they are . “ um . where are you of to ? ”
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ecphorics·:
( @beauzoleils· ) –– 𝕟𝕒𝕥𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕖 !
he’s the type of professor to walk into class EXACTLY one minute before it starts, and today is no different. he opens the door to the classroom at a minute to one, right before his plant taxonomy lecture is scheduled to begin. he shrugs his bag off, placing it on the table at the front of the room. he digs through it for the notebook with his lesson plan in it, opening it to the right page before lifting his head to address the class, his eyes IMMEDIATELY settling on a familiar red head sitting in the back of the classroom. his gaze zeros in on her and his face gets hot. to any onlooker, she is an average student, but to him, he knows that she does not belong in this lecture hall. not only is she not in the class, but the class is not even in her field of study. he coughs softly, before managing to move his gaze away from her to start his lecture. this was going to be a long class.
𝐒𝐇𝐄'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐄 what possessed her to come to marco’s plant taxonomy lecture , of all classes , but given the way that students are up and DISAPPEARING these days , natalie thinks she might be able to swing it as something sinister enough to excuse her actions . not that she anticipated marco spiegleman to be a particularly tough case to crack , anyway . she picks her seat as carefully as she might pick her poison — front and center , but in the furthest row back . she doesn’t exactly anticipate the speed at which marco picks her out of the mass of his usual , standard botany students , but it DOES make her hold her head a little bit higher — in pride or flattery , she isn’t sure . she gives it a second , waits to be certain that he’s looking at her to turn her own gaze and hold his . she’s not the one to look away , she refuses , and her eyes follow his every motion UNWAVERING as he begins his lecture . there’s no real goal , just some kind of aimless search for pleasure or validation or SOMETHING , but she’s sure to seem as purposeful as she can as she pretends to be listening to his lecture , her pen resting against the curve of her lower lip and an expression of faux - innocence on her features each time he looks her way .
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ecphorics·:
( @beauzoleils· ) –– 𝕫𝕠𝕖𝕪 !
michal is beginning to think that zoey forgot that they had plans. sure, it is still three minutes and forty seven seconds before it’s actually six o’clock which is when they had PLANNED to meet in the first place, but she can’t help herself from jumping to the worst case scenario. there’s something about zoey that makes her nervous, fills her stomach with BUTTERFLIES whenever the girl comes to her mind. in fact, when she recognizes the familiar head of blonde hair walking down the path to her dorm, it takes all of her self control not to squeal from excitement. she opens the window of her second story bedroom and waves at the other girl, calling out the nickname it had taken her ALL OF ONE WEEK to start using. “ zingy! i need help deciding which shoes to wear, i can’t tell if i need adventuring shoes or not. ” as other students passing by the building start to look her way, she pauses for a moment, eyes wide, before calling out “ i’ll see you when you get up here, ” and disappearing back through the window and into her dorm room.
𝐙𝐎𝐄𝐘 𝐃𝐎𝐄𝐒𝐍'𝐓 𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐃 to hear the sound of michal’s voice calling her name from a few stories above to turn her hazel eyes up towards the window . she recognizes the familiar sweep of chestnut waves , long hair that zoey had spent more days imagining how it might feel between her fingers than she’d like to admit . just a glimpse of michal through the window is enough to send her into a silent frenzy of nerves , makes her feel like a LIVE - WIRE in a way that other people’s company do not . the way that her FRIEND leans forward in the window , calls out for her , beckons her closer with that honey - sweet voice — zoey’s heart is fit to b u r s t . “ how do you reckon that i know any better than you do , hm mimi ? ” she calls back , head cocking to the side . and then michal is gone again , and zoey is , HONESTLY , just trying to get a grip . she’s not any more accomplished at it by the time she actually arrives at michal’s door , but she’s tried at least . it’s better than nothing . kind of . “ alright , ” she says loudly , announcing her entrance as she bumps the door open with her hip . “ what’s this great shoe debacle all about ? ”
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efitzgerald·:
( @beauzoleils· for zoey )
IT WAS A cool and chilly night, the stone walls of their dormitory doing little for warmth. bundled in a thick sweater and wrapped in blankets, esther laid in her usual spot. books and papers spread across the floor near her. the soft glow of candles and a few lamps filled the room and a record player in the corner quietly put forth the orchestral sounds of classical music, something to fill the room while the pair studied. gold framed glasses rested softly on the tip of esther’s nose, as her eyes moved across the words of the book in front of her. f. scott fitzgerald ( no relation, something that made esther a bit sad ) the great gatsby. “ zoey, ” she started, carefully rolling from her spot on the floor to look at her roommate, a soft smile gracing her features. “ mind if i read aloud for a bit? ”
THERE WERE VERY few things that zoey had come to appreciate so much as the quiet , peaceful , home - y type of feeling that surrounded living with esther like a warm blanket . there was something easy and mindless about their routine and the consistency of it all — a consistency that zoey CRAVED like a lifeline — that made her feel . . safe . esther occupying her usual spot on the floor , the soft crackle of the record player in the corner filling the empty spaces , zoey sprawled out only a few inches away from her , wrapped in a thick , knit blanket in attempt to combat the c o o l february air . . it was all part of their routine . as was esther reading aloud , though zoey still pretended to DWELL on it for a moment , craning her neck to see what she was reading . “ mm , ” she hummed , tapping a finger against her chin , “ will you do the bit with the different voices ? you do such a LOVELY gatsby , it’d be a shame if you didn’t . ”
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