beautifullybrave1111

[beautifullybrave1111]

Dark cold nights, locked in a room with no windows. The only thing you can see is the dark. Maybe that's why it's so comfortable for me. Being controlled to the extent of rape and even near death. So many endless nights, no way out. The number 6, how many padocks were on one door. The number 47, how many times I cut my wrists in one night. All I could focus on was the numbers and counting. The number 19, how many months I was held away from my mother.

Alienated from your family is pure misery, especially when they are your best friends. My parents were terrified and so was I. But I managed....

Until 2008.

The number 50, how many asprin were in the bottle that I took with a fifth of vodka.

*Thank you for the girl interrupted movie reference, lovely inspiration for suicide*

Think of hearing creeds hit song "What's this life for" in the background.

Pills, vodka, darkness and tears. I knew I wouldn't see my family again but they were better off anyway. No stress, it would all be over.

Falling asleep would be the ultimate death.

Nope, I can't even kill myself right. She found me in the middle of the night and had my stomach pumped.

On to the night where I was almost choked to death. How can someone "save you" and "kill you" at the same time.

Blood pouring from your eyes because there are hands stretched across your throat. Pushing and pushing all you can see is black and silver lights. Falling unconscious felt so good at that point. To this day, I thought she left me there for dead on purpose.

No idea how long I was out but I woke up and went to the bathroom, my eyes had poured blood. Long streaks of dried blood flowing from each of my eyes I knew I had to go. The number 9, the amount of days my neck was bruised. The number 2, the amount of hemorrhages in my eyes.

...and zero. The amount of confidence I was left with that night.

[beautifullybrave1111]

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[beautifullybrave1111]

12-27

It's just simple communication that was the hardest. Have you ever tried to talk to someone but you're terrified of the result?

[beautifullybrave1111]

THE EARLY YEARS 10-8-2023

There's one thing I remember about my childhood (ages birth to 7) and that is family. My cousins and my moms side of the family would have dinner ever Sunday. Whether my grandmother cooked or we went to Horn and Horn. (If you know, you know) my mother side of the family were very close knit. I lived with my mother's mom for a while. That was when my mom left my father. My cousins and I would play for hours while the adults would play yahtzee in the dining room. We could hear those dice rolling over and over for hours. Meanwhile my cousins and I would be living our best lives being kids. My grandmother was not super strict on us, unless we did crazy thing, but she surely stepped up when it was time for us to move in with her.

Living in the apartments from birth to age 5 was a different kind of feeling. A few weeks ago I was looking at old family photos, 80 percent of them my father was asleep or high. Later I will mention his recovery and such but as a child I just remember my father was my father. Basic things like watching football with me, making snacks and going to the playground. He was a distant father but at the time, I didn't notice so it didn't matter.

[beautifullybrave1111]

INTRODUCTION 10-8-2023

I haven't picked up a pen in over 20 years. It sort of showed me my age because I realized instead of writing I am typing my thoughts into my phone. Not ideal, but technology calls. My next obstacle to conquer, what to write about. I could give you a whole series with 8 books with all the thoughts in my head. So how about a memoir. Something simple but maybe able to help someone in thier early 20s.

I'm a 38 year old female living in Baltimore County, Maryland. One of my main goals in life it to help women realize that it is okay to put yourself first. Although, this lovely process of life I didn't figure out until 2020 at the age of 34.

Before that I was just a regular sheltered girl who was very vulnerable and gullible. I was born in 1985 in Baltimore City, Maryland to my mother Penny and father, John. We will get to my father later. But first, my mom.

Growing up wasn't always easy but my mother always made sure we were okay. My mother has a very raw personality and no filter, which is one of my favorite characteristics about her. There was nothing that she wouldn't do for me. She worked the jobs taking care of me after she left my father when I was 5. My grandmothers stepped up to the plate to help my mother with me so she could work. Even though I was a sheltered child, I know now that she wanted me safe. She would never allow another man to ever hurt me. She was successful. Although my mother worked so hard to take care of me, we now have a bond that alot of parents don't have with thier children. Our mother daughter dates started as a tradition and has lasted to this current day.

All it takes is a little coffee and some thrift shopping.

My father on the other hand had created a little life full of drugs and alcohol. This resorted to my mother leaving my father in 1990. There's just something about a man who sells his daughters toys for drug money that you can't forgive.

At this point in my life I know exactly what happened in the past and why it happened. But my momma did a good job in making sure that my childhood remained intact while my father walked away while it burned. Listen, I'm not a "whoa is me type girl" but this leads to the current trauma in my life. Two years ago my father had a suicide attempt where he took ambien and drank alcohol, and thought it would be a good idea to drive. Turns out he did this on purpose and crashed his car into a pole (attempting to kill himself)

Here is the kicker, it was my fault.

What is it about men making women responsible for thier temper tantrums. At the time my father didn't seem to understand that my 5 year old at the time was in school. Kids get sick. Kids have homework but since we didn't have enough time for him, he decided to attempt to end his life. Then blame me. I guess this shouldn't suprise me considering the fact that when I was younger I was 5 minutes late to visit him. He then proceeded to lock the door and listen to me knock asking him to open the door. I'm getting ahead of myself.

As a child always knew the importance of hard work and self care. My mom sold Mary Kay for goodness sake. Facials all the time, Walks to Santonis, the laundromat, riding the bus to get places, I was definitely taught to take care of myself and always be myself.

My mom didn't want me to depend on any man. Little did we know I would come out of the closet at 16.

I mean I had a boyfriend at 15 but I truly felt love when I met my first girlfriend. From that point on I always connected with Females and I knew that is who I was. My mother is very pro gay. She couldn't care less and honestly already knew when I told her. This made me so happy.

At this point, I would usually only see my father weekly on Thursdays. Not saying everything was bad.

Wait until you read the chapter on my step dad. He is the man who raised me and my number one favorite guy. He does it all but walk on water. I'm the woman I am today because of him and my mother. Thier bond and willingness to raise me differently is what really made a difference.

As a grown woman with my own family, small farm and the knowledge of growth. I'm doing pretty damn good.

This book is to help anyone realize that no matter what happens in life you can break generational curses to save your children from any trauma you went through.