barnowl98 - Tumblr blog

barnowl98 · 5 years

Text

Hey, if anyone sees this, I would like to update and let everyone know that several people have messaged me with similar stories! I think, perhaps, we are not alone. I’m still not sure what’s going on or what to do about this, but I think there is definitely some sort of correlation here that needs to be looked into, and maybe someday we’ll find answers!

Ok so vanishing twin syndrome

It’s a thing where a Mom is preggers with twins, but one misscarries and the other is lives. One day you have twins, the next day there’s only 1 heartbeat. They don’t really know why it happens, just that it’s more likely in older women, and depending on when the misscarriange happens, there can be some health side effects on the alive baby. Some think the dead babies may have problems with umbilical cords or other health problems, but it’s not consistent.

When I was 13 my grandma accidentally let it slip that I had been a twin, but part way along my mom misscarried, and when they went into the hospital they told her that she may have lost something, but there was still a healthy baby there (me) and oh by the way it’s a girl not a boy! Lol

But here’s the thing. When I was little, before I knew about any of this, when I was like 2-5, I had an imaginary friend. Actually I had lots. I think the count was 15 or 16. 14 or 15 of them were these little Dr. Seuss character lookin things, that were ranged from a few inches in height, to a few inches shorter than me.

The other “imaginary” friend was a boy. He looked almost just like me. Same hair color and eyes. He was a little taller than me. When it came to personality he was almost the exact opposite of me. I’m introvered and artsy. He was extroverted and athletic. I tend toward depression. He was always an optimist to the max.

Here is the kind of creepy part: I didn’t control him. All my other imaginary friends, I would imagine them doing the thing and then they’d do it. I didn’t have to imagine the thing for him. He just did things. I have one distinct memory of him. I was sad. My mom had yelled at me for something that wasn’t my fault. I was crying. I remember he showed up and started juggling to make me laugh so I could stop crying. He wasn’t solid, he was kind of see through, but he was there.

I stopped seeing him when I was 5 or 6, when I started having more friends, but I could still tell he was around. Whenever I was sad, I could tell he was there trying to make me think of something funny. He’s still here every once in a while when I’m having a particularly bad day. I started thinking of him as a Gaurdian angel.

Bit anyway. Today I was reading whisper stuff. Ya know those anonymous post things? And someone said they had almost the exact same experience. They were a twin, but the twin had died and when they were little they had an imaginary friend who was the little boy version of them.

If anyone else has had some sort of experience like this, can you let me know? Like is this a thing? Do we need to inform science? I thought it was just a weird thing that I had, but if this is a common thing, people should know. If for no other reason than to make us feel a little more sane. Like this could be a physiological reaction mechanism that happens with dissapearing twin syndrome, as a way for our brains to deal with it. I dunno. It could just be me. But I’d like to know.

19 notes · View notes

barnowl98 · 5 years

Text

APPRICIATE OTHERS ART

I’m listening to the greatest showman reimagined and I’ve also been into the Hamilton Mixtape and Hamildrops and like... I’m living for this. More big artists need to sing other people’s songs! Not for money but like reimagine songs in different genres or with different voices. Appriciate your peers amazing music! Do covers! Obviously don’t steal shit but like... ART. ya know? And like artists... make fan art of your favorite artists! Draw in their art styles! Draw their characters or pictures in different art styles! Again don’t steal anything, but show that you love things! Make amazing things! Lift eachother up! Make beautiful things together! Drop the toxic idea of competition and make beautiful things!

0 notes

barnowl98 · 5 years

Text

Ariana Grande

I hate to be that person, but here with a slight bit of anonymity on the internet I would like to say something about the whole Ariana/Pete engagement and breakup. I’m sorry but that whole thing has got to have been promo for her new song. It’s got to at least have been planned. Like she gets engaged, the breaks it off, then releases a song about it in a very short time span... and like that song didn’t just happen over night, it was probably recorded months ago, and written even earlier, but still includes that she almost married Pete.... so does that mean the entire relationship was faked, or that they broke up months ago and have been pretending up till now, or what?

0 notes

barnowl98 · 6 years

Text

AYYYY I’m going to share my mental health story

I was watching a thing on youtube about someone who was sharing their story, and I decided I wanted to do that too. This may contain triggers, but if you do decide to read it, read it all the way through.

You should know that I’ve only ever told a few people about this, I’ve never told any of my friends off the internet, or my parents, and it should be noted that I HAVE NOT TALKED TO NOR AM I A PROFESSIONAL. I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN PROFESSIONAL HELP AND IF YOU ARE CAN RELATE TO ANY OF THIS STUFF GET HELP, TRUST ME I WISH I HAD BUT THERE WERE OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL AND A LOT THAT I KNOW NOW THAT I DIDN’T KNOW THEN. SERIOUSLY, IT CAN’T HURT SO JUST DO IT.

But seriously, it’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I can share this, and even now it’s only on a somewhat anonymous post where no one I actually know will ever find it.

Now that I’m done yelling at you, I can start.

Sooo... the first thing that should be known is that one of my family members is borderline (actually maybe not even borderline, they may have crossed that line but I don’t know) abusive, not physically, but mentally. I’ve been told I’m worthless, ugly, useless, never going to be happy, my whole life. I’m overweight, and always have been. When I was 9 this person tried to convince me to basically not eat anything, and I almost bought their argument until they told me I would never be happy if I was fat.

When I was little I would write short cute stories, and as far as I remember they weren’t bad, and when I let this person read them, they would always laugh. I thought they were laughing at the stories. Turns out they were laughing at my spelling mistakes. I found out when I asked them to read my essay for school. They laughed at it. It wasn’t funny. I told them I wanted to be an author when I grew up. They told me I could never be an author because I was to fat. Thats when I stopped worrying about my weight. That statement, that I couldn’t write because I was fat, was just so BS that even I could tell it wasn’t true.

But the thing is: if someone tells you these things, every few days, for years, you start to wonder if they’re right. Especially if this is an authority figure. I promised myself then that I was going to prove them wrong. I still am working on that promise. I write as much as I want, and I do what makes me happy, and the day after I can consider myself happy is the day I start a diet. Is it physically healthy? No. But as I’ve grown I realized that even before I knew what mental health was, I was putting it first. Its more important to be happy than it is to be happy.

Anyway thats that part of the basic info. The other part is that in elementary school I had a best friend. We became friends in first grade, and by 4th we were nearly inseparable. Except that apparently she wanted nothing to do with me. I don’t know what happened. She won’t tell me. Did I say something or do something? I still don’t know. All I know is that one day we were fine and the next day on the playground she told me not to talk to her again.

I don’t know, maybe its just my kind of personality, but that completely destroyed me. Like its one thing if you don’t like me because of something, but to go from being my best friend to nothing with no explanation... I still don’t know what I did, and that still bothers me. Now I’ve guessed that it was probably peer pressure since all the other girls in our class came to me 3 days later and told me they also wanted nothing to do with me. But I didn’t really care about them, they were only my friends because of her, but I do remember sitting on the playground when they told me all of they're little speech and I just remember crying and asking why. I said why so many times. They wouldn’t answer. After that I was left with one guy who also didn’t understand what was going on, and he pretty much saved my life the first time. He made it a goal to make sure I smiled every day. And I did because of him, but I also started into depression and social anxiety.

About a month after the end of our friendship, this girl comes back and thinks we can go back to being best friends, and I was like Bitch excuse you? But also I couldn’t talk to her. I didn’t know it then, but now its completely obvious. I had anxiety attacks when I tried to talk to her. 2 times I actually blacked out. I don’t think i fainted, but I remember being terrified when one second I was trying to talk to her, and the next thing I know I’m in a completely different place, but I have no memory of what happened, just a sense that time had passed. Its fucking terrifying, especially if you don’t know what’s happening.

But this girl, she doesn’t give up. We wrote notes back and forth for 2 years. She always insisted that she did want to be friends again and she was sorry for what happened. She never told me why though, and thats most of why it took 2 years. When I finally was able to talk to her again we became pretty close friends again. By then I had made friends with another girl, and the boy I had been friends with kind of headed towards hanging out with other guys. It was middle school, girls had cooties again. This other girl deserves a name because she literally saved me. But since I don’t have her permission, we’ll just call her Ash. Ash, “Her” and I were friends for a while, and it was great. That year I also got invited to a leadership conference in Washington DC for a week (which, side note, I think I had a nightmare that they were trying to sue me over the events that happened that I will now describe, so I’m going to be very careful about not mentioning the name. Don’t sue me, none of this is my fault.) So that spring I got on a plane with my aunt and went to WA DC. The conference thing was great. I got to see lots of places and we went all over and learned lots. The food was not great, so I didn’t really eat. I thought it was ok to skip eating so much since I was overweight. I WAS WRONG DO NOT EVER THINK THAT’S OK YOUR BODY THINKS ITS STARVING AND GOES INTO SURVIVAL MODE AND ACTUALLY WON’T LET YOU LOOSE ANY WEIGHT AND MAKES YOUR BRAIN NOT WORK RIGHT AND SUCH. This was just one of the factors. Another was my roommates. We were assigned rooms in groups of 4 with other kids from around the country. I should mention that this trip was kind of expensive, and I was lucky to raise the money to go, but almost everyone else there was rich. I got roomed with 2 rich... I’m just going to say it. Bitches. Fuck them. I’m getting ahead of myself. The other girl was like eh whatever I’m going to sleep. The 2 girls decided that instead of like just sleeping or whatever, it’d be fun to make my life living hell for the week. Now I’d been bullied at my school. I mean the best example is all the girls from the previous story shunning me. But the thing about my school is that they don’t do the bullying directly to the face. They might whisper behind your back, but they would never say it to your face. These girls were not that kind. They stole my stuff, they wouldn’t leave me alone, they kept watching tv so loud I couldn’t sleep till midnight or 1AM. Thats on top of jet lag. They bullied me into not asking for a room change. Finally on the Thursday of that week, I locked myself in the bathroom with my phone. I was crying and hyperventilating, I couldn’t move but I couldn’t stand to stay still. It was terrible.

That was the point. We were in a room on the 8th floor. There was a window. I wanted to end it all. I didn’t want to go home. I just wanted to stop existing forever.

But there was this tiny voice in my head begging me to try to get help. I had 2 friends, The girl and Ash, and Ash was kind of known for not being the most reliable person and little more happy go lucky, not really the kind of person that would help in this kind of a situation. This girl was reliable right? Seriously, what happened before was just so out of character for her, theres no way she would leave me literally on the edge. Right?

I called her. She answered. I was mid anxiety attack and couldn’t really make words, i was just sort of crying into the phone. She didn’t even listen or ask me if I was ok. She yelled at me for calling her so late at night, and she hung up. I called again. I texted her. I told her I needed to talk to her, I told her what was happening. I told her I wanted to say goodbye.

I decided to call Ash, just as a last resort. And I will tell you one thing about Ash. She has a slytherin exterior and persona, but on the inside she is a hufflepuff. She is the most loyal friend I’ve ever had, and she was ready to kill whoever hurt me. She let me talk to her mom, and she got grounded for a month for being on her phone at night, but she also didn’t care about those things. She cussed out the girls in my room for me. She stayed on the phone with me till morning to make sure I got the rest of the night to sleep. She made sure I was ok.

And like I wasn’t. I’m still not that ok. I’m still crying even thinking about it. And the other girl? She still gives me anxiety attacks. I avoid her at all costs. Shes not a bad person, in fact I we have a lot of common interests. There was a reason we were such good friends. Now she works in my bank, and I have to go talk to her sometimes, and I always leave the bank on the verge of an anxiety attack.

And Ash and I aren’t really friends anymore we kind of went into different branches in high school, but I will always be thankful for her. She always has a place in my heart.

I want to say more about how all this has effected me but honestly I’m exhausted rn. What happened made me who I am, but I think I’d like to change that bit if I could. Its ok to have regrets. Its ok to have problems. Take care of them. Take care of yourself. You will be ok, even if it doesn’t seem like it now, and it will take time. You won’t be ok next week, or next month, or maybe even next year. Maybe not 10 years from now. But eventually one day you’ll think back and realized that hey, you’re ok. Its ok. And then you can let it go. And thats ok. Everythings ok in the end. I love you. Its late and night. I’m going to sleep now. Seriously, I love you, especially if you think no one else does. I would love to talk to anyone who I can, but tbh find a professional, I’m just a young adult who doesn’t know anything and I tend to mother hen ppl with problems and thats not good for my choice to put my happiness first, and also I don’t consistently get tumblr messages, but there are plenty of free emergency health lines, some even that you can text to, so google one up and get help. Seriously, its worth finding help. Your life is worth it. I promise.

Sorry for spelling mistakes there are a lot of red squiggly lines but idc rn

0 notes

barnowl98 · 6 years

Photo

Newton’s lesser known 4th law of motion.

280K notes · View notes

barnowl98 · 6 years

Text

Schools!!! need!!! to!!! support!!! students!!! with!!! mental!!! health!!! problems!!!!!!!

3K notes · View notes

barnowl98 · 6 years

Text

Ok so imagine Hogwarts Class Reunions

Most classes are happy, teachers come sometimes just to see everyone

Some are even at hogwarts, but most are other places, even muggle places sometimes

May hogwarts there’s a big memorial for those who died at the Battle of Hogwarts, so that their memory remains there even though their bodies lay elsewhere

Harry’s class, along with some of the other classes around him and everyone else who fought meet at Hogwarts at the memorial so that everyone can be there, even those who are dead

Much much later when Harry is pretty old he disappears into the forest for hours. Ginny finds him searching the ground. Eventually he finds the resurrection stone.

They finally have a proper reunion, with everyone there, even if it’s only for a little bit, and they don’t really belong there, they still enjoy seeing everyone. There’s a lot of crying. The dead admire their memorial. The living promise to see them all again soon enough, but not to soon.

At one point, after the crying and before the sadness returns, everyone is so happy.

0 notes

barnowl98 · 6 years

Text

Ok so vanishing twin syndrome

#imaginary friends #vanishing twin syndrome #vanishing twin #dissapearing twin syndrome #disspearing twin #misscarriage #i hope im not alone

19 notes · View notes