bapperina

[bapperina]

John met me down on the boulevard,

cried on his shoulder cuz life is hard

[bapperina]

I hate it all oh my goddd I don’t want an ig or Twitter or internet at all. I’m sick of it

I hate that it feels necessary nowadays for work and other important things. I constantly just wanna go back to a flip phone.

Idk why I get so over it. Anyways.

MIL is no longer visiting so we can finally go back to focusing on fixing up the house. Still a billion things to do, little progress has been made.

[bapperina]

my mom texted me saying she doesnt want me to take Cooper after all. i cant stop crying about it. part of what has motivated me so much to buy a house (and make sure it has a good fenced in yard) was so i can finally be with my stinky boy. i miss him so so much. But she also said my brother got so distraught when she told him i was planning on taking him. i think he's become so attached to him because its all he has left of me. im so sad and cant stop crying. i miss my dog i miss my family so much so much. but i know if i take him i will be making multiple people sad. compared if i just left him, then only its me whos sad. its not fair, i miss everybody so much, im so sad and lonely all the time because i dont have my family. getting my dog back and working towards that at least gave me some comfort. i can already tell that its probably best to leavee him. i think its whats best for him as well as my mom and brother who have grwon so attached to him. its all they have left of me. i hate the stupid cult that has taken so much of me, my soul, my joy, my dignity, my family.

[bapperina]

Had a dream about you. I think we were in a hotel? My mom and sister were there too. Then I remember being at the bar having a cup of coffee and I saw you there. We started chatting and catching up. Somehow we’re in your room but my jewelry box is there. I guess you were taking care of it for me and still had it. I start going through it and it’s filled to the brim with jewelry, trinkets, and memories. I’m laughing and showing you all these pins and earrings. But then I realize jewelry that’s not mine is in there. I realize it’s your gfs/wife’s jewelry. Two rings of hers. I got upset because it’s MY jewelry box and I don’t want other peoples things in it. You’re trying to be secretive and hide them but I ask you if you’re getting married. You start looking sad and say you don’t know. I get confused about this because how could you not know that if you already got the rings? I say, it’s so easy to know if you want to marry somebody or not. And I didn’t understand why you were trying to hide her from me. Then she gives you a call on your phone and she’s chatting to you all normal, clearly not knowing I’m there. You talk then hang up. I realize you’re also hiding me from her. Then I change the subject and we start looking at my old engagement ring. And I’m comparing it to my current one, side by side. I start laughing and say half to myself, half to you, “People never change”.

Lots to unpack in this dream. Most of it I haven’t worked out yet. Some of it is very straight forward. What I’m thinking is that part of this is because I still have my first wedding ring. I wondered a long time if I should sell/pawn it off. But I can’t seem to want to let it go. I was even surprised when N. said I should keep it. I’d figure he’d want it gone. But then again he’s not the insecure type. I just don’t know. I’m the type of person where it feels wrong to get rid of the past and its memories. I’ll probably have it until I die. Once I die? Idk if I’d want that handed down to my children.

[bapperina]

Moving things around. Found my old box filled with love notes, memories, and two pictures of you. It feels wrong to throw them away. Made me sad to see these things.

[bapperina]

Honestly??? Queen of repression. I think it’s good 99% of the time. Self control is important. It’s just the 1%. Pure chaos. Where I want to raise hell and ruin my life. Maybe it’s my ~ChAOtiC FeMiNiNe~ or whatever. I want to scream and flip my life upside down. But for what? For WHAT? Catharsis? Truth?? Self sabotage? Self harm? I don’t KNOW. Life is so fucking messy when all I’ve wanted it to be is clean cut.

[bapperina]

One week until we move into our new house. We haven’t really started any packing yet. We have a whole month to do it so I’m not too worried. It’s so exciting. But I know it will be very stressful. I need to figure out if we’re going to replace the flooring or not. I need to decide on which fridge and washer and dryer we are going to get. Need to research how to take care of a hot tub. I’m gonna wanna get in it asap as soon as weather clears!! With some sake maybe!! I just wish we had some friends we could invite over to do it with us. But having a whole big back yard to ourselves to enjoy a hot tub? We can make something romantic out of it. And I just realized. We’ll have the land and privacy, I can tan fully nude in the summer if I want!!

It’s all so overwhelming but so fucking exciting at the same time. Scary even. It’s so much responsibility. But at the same time I think it’s what I need. I think it’ll make me a more productive person overall. ahhhh I just can’t shut up about it. So much I want to do. I know it’ll probably take us a couple of years to get it there. But we have the savings to do quite a few things right away.

[bapperina]

Okay sometimes I just gotta write and gush about how good he fucks me. I can’t tell this to anybody so I have to write it down and get it out of me. Like dear god I love his body and equipment but ultimately it’s how utterly intimate it is and how enraptured I become. It’s a mind fuck on top of a regular fuck. I loveee the way he overwhelms me with sensation and just makes a total mess out of me. I’m not sure why tonight was so extra hot, maybe I’m ovulating. But I was laying on his chest cuddling and kissing his neck and face, then he gently pulls me and starts kissing me deeply, and I can’t help but start grinding on his thigh. Then he grabs me and flips us so he ends up laying over me, he starts rubbing me and gently kissing my sensitive nipples how he knows I like. I start stroking him slowly until he’s dripping for me and then tell him I need him in me. We’re on our sides while he’s in me from behind and I get to a point where I ask him if we can switch positions and he tells me I have to say please. I love when he makes me beg and this just sent me over the edge. God the way he dirty talks me the whole time is so sexy. He’s so naturally dominant but sweet at the same time, it makes my brain melt and my mouth drool for him. And when I tell him I’m done he tells me “no you’re not. You’re giving me one more” all while just fucking my brains out dear god. We’re just feel so in sync and compatible, it’s like my pussy was made for him. I love the way he’s in complete control, he knows exactly what to do to me.

[bapperina]

I’ll never let go of the past will I? People never change. I’ll never change.

It’s too complex, I’m so different but still the same. I’ve always been sad. I’ve always clung to the things in my past. Why can’t I cling to the present? It’s like something has to be history for me to want it.

Desperately need somebody to analyze me and why I have been this was since the age of ten. Am I afraid of change? Abandonment? The former doesn’t feel true. Maybe it’s mostly the latter. But I’m not sure how that takes shape in me simply not being able to move past things. To not WANT to move past things. I constantly read over text messages. Old photos. My diaries. Even look over old posts on this blog as well as my main blog.

It’s insane to me. I look at things I posted 7 years ago and it’s as if I wrote them yesterday. It scares me. I’m still that girl. Things have changed but my heart never does. Maybe that’s what it is. The heart never changes.

[bapperina]

Another dream of you! It was such a blur I hardly remember it. We were hanging out running errands and needed to go to target. It was fun, but I accidentally called you by n.’s name and you got upset with me. The irony.

Earlier in a separate part of the dream I was back at my mom’s house and it was a summer evening. There was a small party going on outside, but I was in my room trying to quickly do my makeup. It kept coming out wrong and I was so upset and distressed. Idk why it was so important to me. Maybe it’s my subconscious, maybe I’m really starting to feel old. I know I’m relatively young in the grand scheme of things. But god how time flies. I still have good skin. I have a full head of hair. I lost a lil weight and I’m down to about 100 pounds. Don’t really have wrinkles yet. And yet. You can still see the age on my face. It’s still there. Maybe it’s the gravity? Maybe it’s the darkness under my eyes that age me? Who knows. I feel like I don’t get enough sun. I miss the summer when I got so tan. Once I move into the new house, I want to spend a lot of time outside in the yard or on the front porch. Absorbing its warmth. God I’m so excited to own my first home. It’s all I can think about.

[bapperina]

I still can’t stop thinking about the house. We have an amazing loan rate locked in. We are just waiting for appraisal. I’m still nervous because things can technically fall apart any time before closing date. But I think the sellers are desperate for this to go through, so things are really working in our favor. I’m so distracted from work because all I can think of is just moving in, shopping for flooring options, shopping for a fridge, shopping for washer and dryer, other furniture, paint colors, etc. it’s all exciting. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. Just have a chance to fully nest and settle into a place.

[bapperina]

I had a dream you came to visit me in my state. We were hanging out outside in some pretty grassy field. It was a warm pretty sunny day. We were just talking and catching up and it was nice. I asked you what you thought of the state and you said you were neutral about it. I started teasing you and saying you’re completely wrong, and I started listening things I love, like cicadas and the humidity.

At some point you started to try to get close to me physically and touch me, I felt so confused because I thought it wasn’t like that. I had to push you away from me. There was more but I can’t remember.

There was another part of my dream where I was digging in dirt searching for clay so I could make pottery, that was fun. And another part of my dream where I was showing my mom an open world video game where you could explore Mexico, she liked it. I miss my mom so much. I hope she’s happy with her new husband.

[bapperina]

so we’re currently under contract for a home and it’s been distracting me this whole week… I cannot focus on work, I can’t sleep. I’m so excited but so nervous at the same time. I’ve wanted to be a homeowner for so long and it’s finally within grasp. The inspection is getting done tomorrow and the appraisal soon after. It’s not set in stone quite yet so I’m trying to not get too excited… but it’s hard because I’m so excited!!! The sellers are eager to sell and we’re eager to buy. I just have my fingers crossed that we’ll be able to lock in a decent rate (as decent as it can be in this economy).

It’s 3 bed 2 bath, big fenced in yard, front and back porch, AND a .6 acre lot right next to it!! It’s close enough to town but also far away enough that we’d be in the hills surrounded by trees… the neighborhood is beautiful and peaceful. I’m already dreaming up things I’d want to renovate and how I want to design the interior.

I’m so giddy but so scared the inspection will reveal something bad or that we won’t be able to work out a loan. But moving into this house is all I can think about. I see so much potential in it, it can really be spruced up to be so cozy and beautiful.

I was just looking at a picture and imagining sitting on the back porch watching the sunset. Or having a bonfire. Or having kids in a couple years and seeing my babies play on the grass. There’s land to garden. All this is within our reach and I can’t get my brain to shutup about it.

[bapperina]

I think about it over and over

I think I figure it out somtimes. From assurity (I’m making up this word) to insecurity. I’m so so stable in my day to day and cherish it and don’t want to change it. But why can’t I rid myself of these bubbling feelings? Dear god, please free me from this. I don’t want it, I don’t. Please let me forget. It genuinely doesn’t make any fucking sense. I can never forget you. What do I do with these feelings? Please let me let go for once, for good. Wipe my slate clean. What’s stupid is I don’t even have selfish desires to base my want around, because do I even know what I *want*? I say I want to be friends but is that true??? Is this some sort of fantasy infatuation? That if I got to know him again for a lil while I would lose all interest? I don’t KNOW. I am a woman to my core, arent i? But only in private. Only in my diaries. It’s not like I even have an option, I burnt that bridge. And I hate myself for it. But I think it was wise, since he still loved me. Yet I still wish I hadn’t. God it’s so dumb. I’m not good at letting people go. When I love people I love them with everything. Even if it’s not romantic. I love my friends so much, I love my family so much. I’m ridiculously desperate to keep them all close to me. My heart is so sensitive, I always invite people back into my life.

[bapperina]

“I fell in love with the idea that the mysterious thing you look for your whole life will eventually eat you alive.”

— Laurie Anderson explaining her attraction to Moby-Dick 

#about you

[bapperina]

*has ONE sip of alcohol*

Time to be a moody bitch and regress and be retarded!! !!

In all seriousness it’s genuinely retarded that I get like this. At least I can acknowledge it. I think I’m getting better at controlling my emotions when I get like this. At least I think I am. Maybe not. We’ll see.

I kind of regret not choosing to be friends. Because I miss you and wish we could casually chat. But at the end of it, I think I did the wise decision. Which is surprising, because often “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it”. It probably wouldn’t havent been good for either of us. And yet, I want it. In my own selfish way. I wish I could keep hearing back from you.

I’ll be forever trapped writing these stupid lil emotional dramatic posts to this silly lil blog. Why am I so melodramatic? I guess I’m just a woman. My heart is so sensitive, my heart is so intense… not to most things… most of the time I’m unmoved, but when I am, I can move mountains.

[bapperina]

Nov 21 2019

It might’ve been harsh the way I said it but isn’t that the point of leaving me? You stop contact and go on with your life. We’re going our own ways. You made your choice to leave so then do it. You were completely fine talking to me whenever you’re lonely or horny and want to fuck. But the moment I’m talking about my feelings “we’re broken up now lol bye”. Which yeah you’re right, it’s not your job to listen to the way I feel so I get that. But you only drew the line when it’s not something that benefits you or gets you off. That’s the only time you talk to me. And you very well how much I love you and you take advantage of the fact that I wanted to stay with you and use it to get your sexual attention. When you know Id be there for you whenever you’re alone or need someone to talk to. But you’ll never be there when I need somebody to talk to or when I need affection. There’s only interaction when it’s on your terms. And all I got from this is that. I should have never gotten back with you or believed you would stay. Your words and promises no longer have any weight to them. And you don’t even value me enough to show me the respect of breaking up with me in person and while sober.