badwolfweightloss-blog

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

4-1

OK, its been a hot minute.

I went to disney. It was super fun. I ended up doing really well in the beginning before the family got there. I proved to myself that I can do this. Truth be told, I was not feeling deprived at all. Then the family came and all bets were off. I kept ordering luxurious meals, steaks, full apps and deserts, and the drinking started again.

Then, I came home, and instead of pulling my shit together, I took an entire month off, binging and drinking when I felt like it, because - why not?

What on Earth is the matter with me? Why do I do this self sabatoge to myself? It always follows a time when I am allowed to be off of my programs. I remember after losing a ton of weight, I ended up going to burger king because I really wanted to try that bbq sauce chicken sandwich they were pushing. It flipped the switch, and over the year that followed I gained it all back and more. Same story every single time I come back from vacation. This time in particular, I felt so angry and resentful that I had to come back home and continue life in the frozen tundra that is NY during March - I was completely unmotivated, had no interest in shopping or planning or cooking, or cleaning. It is April 1st and I still have not run any of my laundry. It is all piled up in my room and the laundry room. I don't know what's clean, dirty, ect. I'm having trouble finding clean underwear. I'm rewearing dirty stuff. This is what I have found myself doing - is it depression? A complete protest of living the way i have to live? A deep regret of the life choices i have made? All of that is amplified when I come back from vacation and see this life with fresh eyes, and juxtaposed with vacations, it sucks. Then, I play the same feelins and thoughts out over my chosen drug. Rinse, dry, repeat.

Anyway, Its April 1 - 1 month of that crap is done. I'm back. I logged my english muffin, egg, and cheese. I have preplanned lunch (out for lunch today for Dad's birthday.) But the thing i did that really triggered me back was ... I won a raffle for Orange Theory Fitness, and I took my first class yesterday. It was VERY scary and i almost walked out, but I stuck with it with much coaching, and I didn't die. I actually felt really good and my body isn't as sore as I anticipated today. I burned 520 calories. Amazing! I signed up for the same coach for tomorrow morning, which means I am not drinking tonight with my friends, even though they are coming over.

I also want to cook the ham my parents gave me - maybe I'll do that tonight and then I can give it away. I want to get a vegetable platter to munch on. Yesterday, I was munchie at my friends house, but couldn't stop with the cheese and the nuts. That was the 520 calories+ right there. GRRR. That's ok, its all new and I have a good feeling about this.

Additionally, I am planning to do some other fitness stuff too. I can't do OTF every day - well, I guess I can the first month, but next month I am signing up for the 4x a month plan, so I will have to suppliment my exercise program with some other stuff. Plus - you know, variety. So I'm thinking walking outside is great with the peleton coaches. They do fun 80s and disney walks so I will do one of those a week. Then I need two more fitness things that are fun and engaging to put into my schedule. That would be 4x a week. Plus I will push myself outside during work for walks to get moving. Its just not healthy to be sitting in front of the laptop for 8+ hours a day.

Also, gotta start planning meals again. Lets go easy - I need to be able to start small with all of this, or i won't see any improvements.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

Disney Day 1 2-26-23

Look, I am going to try. I am absolutely committed. But, I'm also at a conference. At Disney. There are a LOT of temptations and challenges. The truth is, this is a life change, and this one week is not going to make or break me in the end unless I let it (like I let it in the past.) I'm going to need to lean on my successes even while I'm away. The little things that I'm doing to mitigate some of the damage I'm doing.

Damage: I had to eat out for breakfast. I was at the airport in Baltimore, very hungry for breakfast, and I never was able to make the hard boiled eggs to bring. (ahh, I would have hated them anyway.)

Good choice: I found a healthy bowl restaurant and ordered the egg white bowl. Came with salsa and home fried potatose in it on top of spinach. It was delicious. Were the potatoes over? Yes. But another good choice - I said no to the biscuit.

Airplane - the snack was offered to me twice. I said no twice. No extra snacking necessary.

After arriving at hotel - I was FAMISHED. I had a 1 point onion ring snack to hold me over. It was necessary and helped me wait till lunch for better choices.

Damage: Lunch was at the cabana. No really healthy choices there. I mean, I could have eaten at a different eatery, but then I'd lose the experience of being served by the pool. And that was AMAZINGBALLS. So no regrets there. The burger was high calorie but

Good Choice: I chose fruit as the side instead of french fries. I also used the lettuce as a bun and tossed the actual bun, even though it looked buttered and grilled and delish. Didn't need it though.

Damage: Sushi. One word. There it is. I had a dragon roll AND a rainbow roll. i wanted both. I wanted wanted wanted. I ate it all. I was full half way through, but kept going. That's not good behavior. Not proud of that.

Good Choices: No alcohol. Still alcohol free. No miso soup or salad appetizer. Not needed. I just wanted that yummy sushi.

One more good choice: Wearing my Galaxy watch. I found out I had over 12k steps today. Surely that has to count for something. Cause, damn, that sushi SENT me.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

2-25-23 still going strong

Yesterday was 20 pounds down. That was a slow 20, ya'll. Used to come off much faster when I was younger. Maybe its related to muscle mass. i really have lost a lot of muscle in my older age here. I was happy to see 196. 20 gone, 80 to go. Or maybe 70. Maybe we could be happy and satisfied at 130. I fear loose skin. I fear the slow weight loss will get even slower. That's ok, though, I could hope for worse, right? Just over 8 weeks on the program and 20 pounds gone. At this rate, I would be at goal before the end of 2023. This could be my year.

I talk a good game, but I'm losing my mind right now. Tomorrow morning I head to Disney - by myself. My conference starts Monday, so I will be checking into the Swan and Dolphin tomorrow. Food is a question mark. I'm adding snacks to the room to try and give myself a good chance at not screwing up too badly. But I've been to this conference before at another location, and the free breakfast and lunches are beautiful. Beautiful. I would eat everything, happily, every day. And this isn't even the part of the week that concerns me!

Wed night the family comes in and I have to go to the second half of the trip. We are looking at expensive dining and frequent in-park snacking. Plus, the Epcot Flower Festival incudes all of the food at the little kiosks - I love that freaking part. The only positive here is I have essentially given up alcohol. I'm 51 days alcohol free. So, the damage I could have done will not be as bad as it could have been.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

2-15 Strengths in action

This is rather hard. I guess I need to first come up with a list of challenges and then see if I can use a strength to help.

The challenges I need to work with consistently to lose weight and live a healthy life:

Plan meals, shop for meals, cook the meals, clean up after the meals

I guess I need to break that all up. They are different skills that have various amount of success for me. I plan meals well. I love doing it actually. I use my spreadsheet I created and sometimes tweak it to be even better. Its actually quite awesome. I created a binder that I am now using to collect recipes and make notes where needed. I think that's a game changer, actually, but time will tell. First I need to make enough recipes to make it really usable. The cooking part - well ... I often run out of time and energy near the end of my work day so, cooking is not high on my list of things I want to do at that point. Its even more challenging when the kitchen is wrecked from the previous meals. And, therein lies the issues. Nobody helps me clean. And I feel they should. And I've asked a billion times in a billion different ways. And still, its not ingrained. And hubby makes the kids do it if I say something, but he never drops everything and offers himself. And THAT is the issue for me. Why does he think his little wife should do it? Its demeaning. It makes me angry. But, he takes out the garbage and has other gender based roles, so I guess, its fair? I just hate it. So, if things were regularly cleaned, it would be one step closer to cooking more regularly without excuse.

Exercise: I have some health related issues that I've leaned on as reasons / excuses why I'm not exercising. But I must. I saw the doctor and he okd exercise. He said I need to work my VMO and IT band. So I need to figure that out. That's a challenge. I don't know much about it and I'm scared of doing it wrong and making my knee worse. But also, I told him cycling was ok - and he oked that too. At the very least, I should be on the bike. Or using the groupon for the pool exercise that I picked up. Going to planet fitness. Using my home treadmill. Working those quads. Putting the other seat on the nordic trak and actually biking. Going for a slow walk outside. I bought the sneakers, and they will be here soon. They are supposed to be good - the GTA 22s. So - that's what I have to do.

Not Binging: Well, that's the crux of it, isn't it? I know good planning helps. Feeling capable helps. Managing tough emotions helps. I think finding and turning towards helpful stress relief is the key here. Also, working on Foster's Self Compassion Shift, and perhaps practicing more self care, especially giving myself regular time outs and me time is very important.

Speaking of self-care: Self care. Its important. For me, that's activating a love of my body by buying small trinkets, wearing clothes I don't hate, keeping a journal and weight loss jar, keeping my hobbies going, doing my voice lessons and other music activities, and finding time to join/learn new things. Wouldn't mind working on myself socially a little too.

Boundaries: Setting them is hard for me, always has been. I live with this innate idea that other people are in charge, and that my purpose in life is to serve others. As a young person, that was my mother. When I had a friend, it was the friends I served. They said jump, I said ok. I thought I was supposed to bend to everyone else. This still happens - with my husband, even with my kids. My adult relationship with my mother still has these qualities. My boundaries need to be better defined.

Setting and remembering appointments/tasks/schedule. This has always been a weakness for me. I suppose if I'm going to successfully tackle everything else, lets put this on the list too. A good self image is somewhat dependent on me not feeling like I'm a failure at making my appointments. In the strength test, I scored low on questions about keeping my promises. This is largely due to having a poor system of remembering things. I lose the journals that I setup to keep reminders. I could do it on my phone, but ugh. I hate that. I hate being a slave to the stupid electronic device in my pocket. So this is something to work towards, but no simple answers. Yet.

Next up: Finding real solutions to these goals using my strengths. Yikes! I'm nervous!

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

2-15 My Strengths

I'm reading The Shift by Gary Foster, from the WW collection. It is SO good. I know there are a lot of self help books out there, but this one really brings it all back to overeating, and how to set goals to get right with the weight loss journey. I'm loving it, and probably will post a bit about some of it.

I took the quiz to see what my 5 strengths are. These strengths are the things I'm supposed to rely on to help me with my smaller goals. So, if I'm struggling with getting my food planning done, or avoiding a late night binge, ect - I'm supposed to check in to my strengths and see if I can leverage my strengths to help.

My strengths, in order are:

Creativity - (Wisdom) Love of Learning (Wisdom) Curiosity (Wisdom) Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence (Transcendence) Fairness ( Justice)

So, now I need ways to use these strengths to help on my WW journey and beyond. Going to check in with the online communities to see if anyone has any suggestions.

The Shift. READ IT!

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

2-14 the good and the bad

Started the morning happy. I weighed in at 199.4. That's progress. I'm happy to see the 100s again. But I don't trust the process this week, or my work with it. I binged on Superbowl Sunday. When I look back at it, it was about disappointment about my "treat" that I made for myself essentially sucking while the treats I made the kids were kickass amazing. Then, hubby called for a favor that was something I truly didn't want to do. He left all of his work stuff at home and needed it, which meant I had to stop what i was in the middle of doing - cooking for the kids and me, and trying to salvage the superbowl when the truth is he took any chance of me enjoying it when he decided to work overtime. Hell, when he decided to keep working in this job even though he could have retired 6 years ago. But the truth his, he doesn't want to retire. He doesn't want to live a normal daytime week with me now any more than when we were first together. I've just been in denial for our entire marriage and he's been lying to me for the whole thing too. I feel so stupid for ever thinking we were going to live this life together. I feel like I put in my 20 years as a cop wife and now its finally my time. But he's taking away any hope of a normal marriage by making this decision. And yes, like my therapist says, I feel heartbroken. And rejected. And it hurts. it hurts that I feel like I have wasted my life with someone that doesn't love me the way I wanted to be loved, and the chance is over now because I am old and fat and wasted and expired. No wonder he doesn't want to retire. Why on Earth would he?

Yea, so anyway, that all lives below the surface all of the time. And during times like this, when he all of a sudden wants me to drop everything and help him and once again I have to get the shitty end of the stick, I tend to binge. Which is exactly what I did. I ate all of the food that i was serving the kids. And the day after I was "good" and was under my daily - I counted around 900 calories. This morning I had my 199.4 weigh in. But today is Valentines day. So, I ate too much sushi, which I tried to not have because I really love it, but hubby wanted to make me happy. (which is why I guess he bought me a wine opening set - to really drive home the fact that I should be drinking wine again. codependent much?) Anyway, I had 11 points of sushi, 7 points of lunch and breakfast - putting me at 18. Then I also had 2 meatballs for 2 points. And with 3 points left, I had almond milk in my coffee, and a quick snack tonight of peetos and a half of banana. Also a few bites and nibbles here and there, but nothing crazy. So I am closing out the day. And I am proud of the fact that I stopped the binge to write this. Because, truth be told, I was going to binge. I was ready to finish the peetos and move on to the next snack, and the next. And look for the dark chocolate I just opened. I think that was the trigger - hubby asked me to give it to the kids. And I feel depressed and tired and like I've disappointed my parents again. I had to cancel Thursday and she got off the phone right away like she was pissed at me. But the kids are busy and honestly, I don't want to go right now. Also, she is getting posessive - i had mentioned my nephew might go to college near me. So, she got on the phone today to recommend colleges elsewhere because she doesn't want me to ever have any regular relationship with hubby's family. Its exhausting. But I have to get to a point where I don't care. Where I can call her out for being a posessive bitch and move on with my life. I'm 45 years old and she needs to cut this shit out already.

Then my kids keep coming in and annoying me and I want them to stop. I want time to myself, but not just a little time - a LOT of time. My daughter has severely damaged hair from the time I let her try to dye her hair herself. Its multiple colors and dry and brittle and frizzy and so terrible. She also wants it straightened. She has extremely curly hair. She will never have super straight hair like the girls in her school. She will never look like the ones that are pick me girls. She needs to come to terms with that, and I can't do it for her. i wish I could take away her sadness, but I can't. I'm also a terrible motivational parent, and that's what she needs right now. All I could muster is, well, it'll grow out. Hair isn't forever. But she needs more than that. I just never know what to say. To her, to anyone really. So, inadaquate and a failure at the most important relationships in my life, I turned to food again tonight to take away that pain. Cause it does, normally. For a single moment, for a bite in time while I chew it all away, all I can focus on is flavor and crunch, texture and the comforting feeling of swallowing and putting more in. God I love that - the feeling that there is always some more waiting on my plate, on my fork, and that I can keep feeding myself what I need. What I really need is a family that does dishes. A propensity to be able to speak to other humans in an acceptable and successful way. A husband that loves me for the person I am and not the way I suck his dick. Parents that honor the adult I am without making inappropriate side comments that call into question my competency. A talent to sing and a place to show everyone the feelings that bubble to the surface begging to be expressed in music. A job where I can be respected, and well paid. A body that hasn't aged beyond repair, and a gender that doesn't get me discarded because a woman's shelf life is no more than 45 years. A history that doesn't haunt me in the dark hours when I try to sleep but can still remember the taunting and bullying and torture and abuse.

Well, I don't want to binge anymore tonight, so at least there's that. I dealt with the rise in emotions by writing, and the tide had a safer space to come in and now wash away. I need exercise. I think I'm going to change the bike seat tonight and get back on the nordic track. I need to pedal away my feelings.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

2-5

Its Sunday, and not the beginning of my weigh in week, but its still a "new week" and I'm going to treat my head as much. I need to re-assert my commitment to WW.

Here's how the past 3 days went down:

Thursday - I went to the gym with hubby. I tried the eliptical, thinking it would be better on my knee. It in fact wasn't because it forces me into a bigger range of motion. I did that for 10 minutes and switched to the treadmill for walking. By this time, my knee didn't feel normal. I feel like my left leg is longer than my right, and the whole of my body weight is coming down weirdly on it as a result. I think I need to see a foot doctor to evaluate my walk and see if I can get an insert that might help me adjust better. Its a frustrating thing to have arthritis in these mobility joints and have doctors do nothing. Are they choosing not to treat me because of the obesity? Or are they even diagnosing it properly? All I know is its frustrating because I want to exercise and start changing my life but I cannot even start. My shoulder is better this week, but last week I couldn't even lift my arm up - how could I have started swimming like that? I think this all began my depression. Plus hubby was home from work and is also on his own health journey, but he's depressed and its a weird dynamic right now. I have been trying to support him and have invited him into my world of weight loss, but to see him not embrace it properly or in the same way I do is weird. Like, I have given up alcohol, but he still insists he can drink because his liver his fine. But, he refuses to see the logic that alcohol breaks down to a sugar that increased diabetes, (his a1c is 5.9.) Also, alcohol increases cholesterol, and there is nothing healthy about it. I just wish he'd go back to work at this point. But, playing basketball, he jammed his finger, and it looks really bad and swollen. The xray said it wasn't broken, but he's 4 days in and still can't bend it, so I'm not sure I trust the xray. He has a hand doctor scheduled for Friday. I know I'm married and I have to jump in here and help with all of the doctor appointments and mental support, but I'm barely standing on my own and now have to be a rock for him. Its a lot. Also, for some reason, maybe because work was stressful this week with having to store quarter, midterm, and semester grades for the school district I work for - but I intentionally skipped therapy this week. I really didn't have to, but now the therapist sent the veiled threat that I would be punished for not showing. Fine, punish me. I quit. She's a shitty therapist anyway.

Friday was socially stressful. Hubby insisted on having a night with our drinking couple friends. That's what we do. We get together sometimes on a friday night after a stressful week and have a few drinks together. And by a few - - - -my friend and I get wasted wasted on wine. I'm always good for a bottle by myself, and usually more. The men also get shitfaced. It usually ends with them leaving, me and hubby a sloppy mess, and a night of "intimacy" where I barely remember anything, thank God because it usually makes me uncomfortable anyway at best, and in pain at worst. So anyway, I told hubby on Thursday I have completely given up alcohol and I'm serious about it this time. Its been almost a month at this point. He said ok - but here it is the next day on Friday where he exclaims to us and the other couple that its a red wine night, he's going to be picking up a bunch of bottles. He says he did this because his doctor told him to drink red wine (I think that's a lie or shitty advice - one or the other.) I say he did this to tempt me and throw me off because he wants me to be a drinker so I can be a codependent alcoholic with him. I called him out on it the day after and he claims this is not what he did. Either way, I doubled down, and am still alcohol free even after the subsequent date night that happened yesterday. Anyway, Friday ended sort of successful, but sort of not. As far as alcohol, I had about 12 ounces of alcohol-free wine. It didn't taste fantastic, but I mixed it with seltzer, and my friends thought I was drinking wine. It was a ruse, but it was easier than dealing with them saying over and over "you aren't drinking" - which is what she did last time we got together, and it was really annoying. I mean, I get you want to get drunk - really I get it - and I'm not judging cause I want to too, but you don't need me to drink with you to do it. Its going to put a wedge in our friendship for sure. For now, I'll fake it with fake wine. It worked out well. The problem was with the cheese and nuts. We put it out because we had to put out something. I had planned on an ounce of cheese. I think i might have done 2 ounces. I had not planned on any nuts - I think I might have had 1/4 cup of nuts. So, definitely over into weeklies. I had 18 left the next morning. Here's the shitty part ... I was 4 pounds over when I weighed in the next morning.

We will take it from there with some background. I've been regularly losing, so the 4 pound increase is unlikely fat, and most definitely bloat. But my other two friends and I are in this ww text message thread together where we send each other positive encouragement, recipes, and talk about our NSVs. We are close friends, so this should be positive for me, but its not. Instead, I feel competitive, unworthy, and fat. They keep talking about food replacements, and I'm not replacing anything, I'm just cooking healthy and eating smaller portion sizes. The way they text things, as if its the only way, as if they are in charge of all things weight loss, like they know better than everyone else in the world really, really irks me. I don't know if its triggering because of the way I was raised by a very domineering mother who forced every idea she had on me like it was fucking scripture, but I really am not handling this text thread well. Anyway, they all posted their weight loss for the month, and they all had more than me. I wanted to post 15, but I remember I was just shy. So on Saturday morning, I tried to weigh in, thinking I might have the 15 now and I could participate in the text thread again with some amount of pride, but instead I was 4 pounds over. over. over. over. This broke me. I was really screwed up most of the day from this. I had a fruit smoothie for 6 points, and we were supposed to go out to a fancy restaurant with friends, so this blew a lot of the points I had planned for it. The truth is I didn't want to go out with friends, be tempted with more food, be tempted with more wine, and prioritize everyone else and everyone else's conversations instead of my own health and joy. So, with one friend bailing out, we took the same lead and hubby and I had a date night.

Date night needs its own bullet point. We haven't had a date night in a long time, and this looked different than it would for other couples, or even for ourselves. I have been begging hubby for a year for a date night with a fancy restaurant, but now with both of us watching our food, this didn't seem like a good idea. Instead we wung it - went into a posh town near us, found a gormet taco place, split a special (each had one special taco) and had some beans and rice on the side. This was cheap, and within our diets. Then, we did a bookstore, a boardgame store, and a desert place. He wanted the desert - life is not complete for him without it, and even with his sugar issues, he wanted a desert. I had decaf and almond milk. I am not tempted by deserts, so this wasn't a trigger for me. I enjoyed his company and this was a nice stop. After that, he wanted to go to the brewery to grab two beers. Again, not too much of a trigger, although it makes me sad that he won't give up alcohol too. Then we came home, I played a little piano, we played a game, kids went to bed, he had one of his beers, and we went to bed. It was a good night, although I'm still experiencing pain :( menopause sucks.

New day. I'm staying the fuck off the scale. I cannot see another terrible number. It does not help me. I know I have to make healthy choices. A number on that scale will not change that. I am not binging, I am in control.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

2-4-23

Tough day today and also yesterday. My voice coach even noticed it - she asked if something was wrong, and was saying I was being to hard on myself. She was right - I was definitely off. Then, today, I weighed in +4 from what I expected. I know that's not fat, I have been in a calorie defecit, but it really messed with my confidence. Plus, last night we saw our friends. I had fake wine and some cheese and nuts. That was over my weeklies. I also had a little too much sushi. Today, my overeating continued. I had some chips and pretzels and the end of the ceaser salad. I am down to a small amount of points on a day when I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with my friends. I guess I don't want to be with them. I really just want time to myself and not to have to be the parent and wife and housecleaner today. Also, there was a lot of stress this morning when our pipes froze in our house. I was so scared that they were going to burst. Thank God they seem ok. But I don't know, I feel like my realm of control is off - like the events that are happening and that I am part of are not of my own choosing. I hate that feelinng. its a constant theme in my life - other people controlling my choices. It sets me off and then I binge. So I think I need to get myself in a better headspace.

For now, if I am going to keep my head in the game, I need to remember that I have lost weight this past month. I have not gone off plan. Today, I'm actually still within my points. I am ok. I am still on plan. Everything is ok.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

1-31

End of January. Lost 13 pounds. Still feel dejected because its so much higher than where I need to be. And more importantly, its higher than 200, which I was already at back around September. So I am having trouble drumming up positive feelings about this 13 pound loss when its still higher than it was in September. its not like anybody will notice right now. Why should they, when the only thing they probably noticed was the 13 pound gain I had to get up to 216 pounds this year. Ugh. I'm trying to be positive, really I am. I spend a great deal of time all day just telling myself that I can do it, I am doing it, I have changed my life already. And its true, I have. Sobriety is new to me for this decade, and I am sober right now as of 25 days. And, I am going to stay sober. It was hard to have the recipe yesterday call for red wine. I thought about it, really I did. But the thought of an open wine bottle, with just 4 ounces missing for the recipe would leave a lot of leftover ounces. I would have loved to drink them up. A little for the recipe, a little for the cook. Some more for dinner, where I'd already be tipsy and some extra portions of food too because it was delicious - omg, this recipe really was. But because I was sober, I was able to hold it to 1 portion and really eat it slowly, enjoying it. Practicing being in the moment. It was good - and having dinner with the family was good. But then hubby brought up how he can and should have a glass of red wine a day because its good for his heart and I completely had a meltdown. I started shaking I was so angry at him - he who was recently diagnosed with high A1C and should cut back on sugar, carbs - but the doctor apparently never mentioned alcohol, because he is still drinking. i think a part of me thinks that he should give up alcohol now too because I have. But once again, he will never, ever give anything up for me, at least not without rubbing it in my face that he has made such a sacrifice for me. I hate that. Just don't do the thing for me in the first place if that's how you are going to be. Anyway, he has no plans to stop drinking, and has said that many, many times - even through my pregnancies. Its fine. Everyone has their own journey when it comes to alcohol. And I'll be strong. Maybe I can lead by example as I become a better version of myself. Either way, I was triggered by his declaration that he was going to be able to drink my favorite alcohol. That's all I need is to sit down at dinner and have him sitting there drinking a glass of red wine, throwing it in my face with his smug stupid face. I'm angry at him at the moment right now too because he added how I look so much sexier to our bedroom talk last time and it really upset me, but we were in the moment, and he was drunk, so what the hell was I supposed to say? I guess I have to address it during a non-sexy time, but its really awkward to bring up without making it sound so, so strange. I mean, do I want weight loss compliments from him or not? The problem is I don't think he's smart enough to understand how to form a proper compliment when it comes to this. And if I tell him what I want, he will take it personally and make it all about him and get defensive. The proper way to compliment my weight loss is tell me how I look healthy and happy and look good in my clothes. I don't want comparisons like I look so much better, or sexier, or less fat or anything that underhandedly insults the way I looked before. The thing that stands out in my head is the insult the last time I lost a ton of weight. I showed him the before and after picture and he said "I can't believe I used to sleep with THAT." I will never, ever get over that. I'm sure I've written about it before. I know I have. I don't know how to get it out of my head. And the other night, when he said I look so much sexier - it really fucking triggered me.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

1-28

Tonight I see my friends for the first time socially since my diet really began. And by diet - eating healthy and very low points to get myself in a calorie deficit and also alcohol free. This is a very different version of myself than the one that typically hangs out with my friends. I've never been the fun one, even when drinking, but at least I"m good for some drunk entertainment. Watch the drunk girl make a wreck of herself type of fun I guess. I also always am scared of what is coming out of my mouth - second guessing myself as the words are coming out, which makes me a difficult person to have a normal conversation with. I spend most of my time just listening and trying to interject some positive words about other people's life and drama. The only time recently I tried to do that about my new job, everyone just ripped into me because how dare I complain about a work at home job. I told them how it made me feel and things got a little weird after that. I think me emoting caused everyone to feel uncomfortable around me. Anyway, drinking has usually fixed all of that. I don't usually care or even know I'm speaking when I'm drinking. Well, I'm about to. I'm not going back to drinking until ... I don't know. After I lose all of the weight? Ever? I have started to really think about it like a poison. I also am being super controlling about what I'm eating. My friend who is also on WW is coming with WW snacks, and to her that means deserts. I actually don't like deserts or sweet things. I like to crunch and I like salt and savory. She is also a really pushy person. I don't want to offend her but I really want to control my eating tonight. Without drinking, I'm sure that will be easy. I may go as far as to get really obnoxious and take out a piece of paper to manually tally how much I'm consuming. I wish there was as way to do this on my smartwatch or something so that it wasn't as obvious. I plan on giving myself a budget, letting her know what my budget is, and then eating inside of it. I am NOT going off plan tonight. Its not happening, I have worked too hard at getting in the right headspace.

Besides their impending arrival, I have to clean and organize the house after it has basically gone to shit. Again. Hey, at least maybe now hubby will finally get all of the christmas decorations into the attic. The only time he really gets on board with cleaning and organizing the house is when people are coming over. I take this as his image to his friends is way more important to him than living in a way that is organized and clean - and more importantly, I take it as a dis to me because I'm constantly talking about how I want a clean and organized house, but he basically ignores me and I basically feel like a nag. Oh, the marriage issues. Its bad. That's why I'm so obsessed with finding other things to bring me joy lately. Its become ever so abundantly clear that he is not going to be a source of my joy anymore.

Basically, he doesn't love me anymore because I lost interest in sex. That's what it comes down to. And this reinforces what I always thought - all of this little affectionate things he did towards me or for me were transactional. He sees it all as means to an end. I feel I've lived my life married to a lie. He doesn't love me the person. Or if he does, he barely recognizes it or wants to remind me of it. I've been begging for a proper date, or for a nice piece of jewelry (which is helping me prioritize my appearance, and hence my weight.) He overworked for the past year so that he could pad his pension, and I've gone a year without him around. And he got so used to it that he thinks that is the way its supposed to be - him taking unlimited amount of overtime so he doesn't have to spend any time with me. And the money is great, don't get me wrong. But without him here and with me believing that he just doesn't - not just love me but know who I am now - I am so lonely and so resentful that I've entered into this partnership with someone that won't see how this is affecting me. He promised that he would retire. It was always the promise, from the time we got together. His schedule sucks, and I always was buoyed by the fact that in 20 years it would all get better. He would get a daytime shift job and live off of the pension and his new, normal job, and we would live part 2 of our lives in a good position. This was the promise, and I never doubted it, even after 20 years became 21, 22, and now 26. Now he talks about staying so much longer. The fact is he is afraid to leave because he doesn't know what else he could do and he hates change, and I get it that its frightening for a man who is the breadwinner to walk away from the only real job they've ever had. But this family needs him home now. I need him - but by the time he comes back to me, I don't know what is going to be left of our relationship. When we made this unspoken pact as young people, that he would retire and we would live our lives normally, I didn't know I'd go through early menopause. (43!) I didn't know that I'd get fat and unhappy. I didn't know how I'd develop crippling anxiety when I was trying to have normal conversations with people. If the pact was that he'd retire, I'm sure his side of the pact was that I'd never change, would always want sex all of the time, and stay trim. I guess we both broke our promises.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

1-26-23 Weigh in Good.

January is officially in the books. I posted the results to WW. Here are the stats:

Start 216 Week 1: -2.3 Week 2: -2.6 Week 3: -2.2 Week 4: -3.9 Total January Loss: 11 pounds

That's really impressive, considering especially the binge that was wigging me out was this past week (week 4.) I'm happy that January was a success. February has me worried. I will be at Disney world, and its really, really hard to maintain, never mind lose while on vacation. I know from multiple instances that vacations trigger me REALLY BADLY. I have never EVER come back from a vacation and continued a weight loss program successfully. So, I need to come into the last week of February with the best plan to end all plans. I don't know what that looks like. Maybe set my expectation to maintain for February? (with the idea that I lose the first three weeks of Feb?) It just feels like a terrrible plan to gain potentially 6 pounds while I'm at disney world. (The 6 that I anticipate losing.) its like that work goes out the window.

What are my other options? Stay on plan as much as possible during my work week. That's difficult, given that the lunches are provided and I'm at the mercy of the buffet. Ugh, I hate eating in front of people. That's the worst!!!! Also, I am always afraid that I won't have enough food later during vacations by myself. So, how can I handle this? Breakfast will be eggs. Maybe a piece of toast and some fruit. Stay clear of potatoes. Stay clear of bacon and meat. Maybe substitute out the eggs for a sausage or something one of the days. For lunch, eat the lunch, stay clear of cheese. Try for chickens or turkey - as close to what you normally have as possible. For dinner on Sun - its sushi. Just get a roll and the soup. That should be fine. Get some fruit and pirate booty for the room. For Monday, its Epcot - you know where you are eating. Try to stay somewhat healthy in there. No alcohol. For Tuesday its Hollywood studios. Again, you have ideas on quick service. Look it up ahead of time and try to be reasonable. At least both of those days will be walking. But I can't count on exercise to save me. I have to be reasonable with my portion sizes and meals. Next is Wed. I have no dinner plans. I was thinking of going to circus de soil and getting something at Downtown disney. This is possible - maybe look for something reasonable. Or maybe even a quick service sandwich at the hotel before I go? Not sure. That's a big question mark.

For Thurs, the hubby and kids are there. Its going to be quick service at MK. Again, this is a fairly easy thing to control. Sandwich, take away the cheese. Deserts are a big thing once the family arrives. I might say no to MK desert. Maybe stick to popcorn - see if they have airpop option, no butter. For Fri its Epcot and this is definitely going to be a challenge. Space at night - I'm not staying on plan. i am dining at one of the most incredible and expensive restaurants - I'm having my dinner. This is a lets dip into points day. I may even choose to go non-AF on this day. Something challenging here is that we do not have any reservations for lunch or breakfast, so we have to figure out what that is going to look like. I might see if we can get breakfast in our room to eat ahead of time - low cal bread, eggs should work. Then lunch, again finding something lowish points. Snacks at the showcase would be good. I have to stay clear of the alcohol, that I know that Vincent is going to be going towards. I just don't want it. I want to be AF until space. (and even then...?)

Saturday - ack. Hollywood studios, another reservation, this time at Brown Derby. I'm eating all I can eat again. Possibly another wine choice. That's going to have to be the same process as the previousd day. And lunch, maybe we will find that lunch box quick service. I think there are reasonable things there.

Sunday - last day, and arguably the hardest. Buffet! And not just any buffet - one of my favorite. Ever. Like in the world. Its at animal kingdom, and I just love it so so much. I think the key here is going to be loading up on low cal stuff and then getting small selections of the stuff I love. Which is everything. Ack. Well, this is is - this is the last meal and I would not be eating again till the airport, or something on the way to the airport.

This is not an easy thing to navigate, but all i can do it make the best choices I can. Eat at the three restaurants I want to eat at, and make somewhat healthy choices during those meals. The space one especially, I can enjoy the ambiance and eat reasonably. Brown derby - steak. Maybe a salad or soup sub for potatoes. Buffet - ugh. And that's it. Its vacation. Weight loss prayers, please. And, hey, at least we have january success!

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

1-25 Weighin Eve

Weigh-in eve is a tough day. I'm always worried about the amount of sodium I am consuming, how much bulk food, if I'm overeating, ect. This is why I would never do this on a Fri or sat or sun - the possibility of the night before being a big eating night are always strong. But Wed usually are pretty tame. Tonight was taco salad. I splurged and added a half of an avacado for 3 points. (well, more like a third.) The rest was nothing - salsa, 99% ff ground turkey, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and some scallions. Actually, fairly enjoyable, but the sodium content could cause me to retain water for tomorrow's wi. We shall see. I'm not doing any exercise, so my muscles shouldn't retain but also, I haven't really had enough water to drink, so I may not be flushing out the crap. I should start drinking some more after I'm done with this entry.

Tonight I am going to my chorus. I really am still on the fence about joining. My friend is also on the fence. If neither of us are happy, this will be a last time. More enjoyable than this is the singing lessons I started. I know I probably won't be able to afford to keep continuing with them, but I am loving them right now. Eventually, I will bow out and use the money to put my daughter in the band that they offer. I would love to see her finally shine somewhere. I don't know if this is finally the thing for her or not, but I am hoping it is. I wanted so much more for my kids, and I feel neither really have a strong path. I feel like a bit of a failure in that sense. I should have been more forceful with making them stay with the things they were joining. ahhh, regrets.

The ring that I bought and lost in the house or down a drain has been repurchased and just arrived today. Its beautiful and it reminds me that I want to stay on this journey. Every day I will take it off and put it in my jewelry box. Every morning, I will recommit as I put it back on. That daily ritual is my regular marriage to health - my very best promise that I will do everything in my power to get a hold of my overeating, to find healthier ways to handle my issues that don't involve binge eating and drinking alcohol. I want to be around a lot more years, and I want those to be quality years. I just can't have quality and quantity if I am actively engaged in bad eating and alcohol abuse.

So, this is day 19 of sobriety. Day 4 without a binge. Day 25 on Weight Watchers, with active logging. Changing my life one day at a time.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

Jan 24- Thoughts

I love this idea - just saw it on WW website.

Hi, 2024 Jennifer! Its 2023 Jennifer. I hope you are enjoying your new bod. Its actually my bod, but without all of the extra fat on it. 2023 Jennifer has been working very hard this January to get you all setup with the body you want. I've been tracking everything, making my own food, and not drinking alcohol or having a lot of food at night, especially apps. Oh, and I've pretty much stopped doing Ubereats. I think overall this is going to cause a lot of extra money to be in my account, which I am using to spend on things that make you happy instead of food and drink, which just mask your unhappiness.

So, I want you to take your new lease on life and go live life in a way that I really can't do right now. I'd love to sign up for a 5k, but the impact of 205 pounds on my joints is scary-bad. I think now that you are trim and fit, you should definitely find some places to go run or even go hiking. Take out the bike, and get moving a little bit!!

How are people treating you nowadays? Probably a little better now that they don't mind interacting with a skinny person. I'm sure you have had a bunch of people in your life mention your weight loss, complimenting you, ect. Don't forget that me - 2023 Jennifer - still exists in you. We are the same person. And while those compliments are meant to tell you you have done a good job getting healthy, please don't think that 2023 Jennifer was bad or ugly. 2023 Jennifer is still beautiful, just trapped underneath a lot of fat. Fat that was built with outdated modes of handling bad and big emotions. Look how well you handle big emotions now. That's the real thing to be proud of!!!! Don't let these people who have never had to navigate this addiction get to you. You have overcome a major addiction and are prepped to live the rest of your life with energy and health.

Don't squander it. And don't go back. 2023 Jennifer loves you and wants the best for you. And she's not going through all of this so you can throw it away.

Be the best boo I know you are, 2024 Jennifer!

Love,

2023 Jennifer

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

Jan 24th

Well, it was better than I thought. I am now giving myself mostly permission to have a normal ww day. I weighed in at 205.9, which represents a 2 pound loss and we are still 48 hours away from weigh in. I'm not going to overdo it or anything, and I'm still planning to keep away from sodium because that will mess with the numbers, but overall, I am fairly satisfied with that number. I wonder if there is anything to the idea that I ate more so my body had the energy to lose weight. Usually I think that's a bunch of ridiculousness, but this week was definitely not perfect, and I am really happy with the loss thus far, so who knows, maybe.

Time to work. Just wanted to drop in and confirm - everything is going well.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

Jan 23rd - Afraid of the Scale

Not sure if I'll be able to do it, but I really wanted to get on the scale tomorrow and see how I'm doing. I want to see how badly my choices the other night affected me. I know its going to hurt to see 208 still - or worse. Let's face it, my sodium level is high, I have not been pooping that much, I'm not having enough water, and my exercise level has been low today and yesterday.

I just don't want to hurt my progress if I see a number I don't like. I don't know how its going to go, but the fact is I'm going to have to get on the scale on Thursday, and I'd rather see the situation now.

So, tomorrow morning I'm getting on the scale.

This is not worth it. I should never have had those wings and fries. The torture I've been putting myself through is bad. I barely ate yesterday because I was trying to undo the amount of calories I ate. And today I'm 6 points left, but only because my dinner was high.

On the plus side, I am feeling strong with some other stuff. I cleaned the kitchen and I've been using cleaner now on my counters. I feel like I'm treating the kitchen better, which in turn is making it better to make food in the kitchen. That will go downhill tomorrow when my DD and hubby make the Russian cake. But we'll deal with that tomorrow.

I also picked up this laptop that I'm using at a really great discount. I think I spent around 300 something, and I have to say its fantastic so far. This is a great little laptop! So my self care is going really well. I bought another book and am reading that now. I feel happier overall still, and I think that is a direct result of my diet and not drinking alcohol. So it isn't all bad. I'm just so mad at myself about the stupid wings.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

Jan 22 - Still Here

Brushing myself off after a slight dieting fail last night. But it won't stop me.

Overall, January has been very successful. There have been ups and downs and drama, though.

On Friday after I wrote the last entry, hubby and I were supposed to go on a date night. But, my mouth was killing me from all of the problems I was experiencing with this bone spur that was jetting out of my gums. I had it filed down again and was told I needed an oral surgeon to investigate what it was and make sure it wasn't a tumor. Of course, my anxiety was sky high after all of this. Hubby and I went out anyway for a little date. Didn't overeat, but when we came home, there was wine and I think perhaps some checutterie.

The next morning, my blood pressure was extremely high - 180 over 130. I was extremely dizzy. Went ot the ER for the whole day, got a catscan of my head, and lots of other tests. Of course, like every other anxiety attack I've ever had, it turned out to be nothing. A week and a half later, I finally go to an oral surgeon who said it was all resolved. I feel like an idiot now inretrospect, but this was all very real and scary to me while it was happening.

Anyway, the whole month was very on point after that. No overeating, I lost almost 8 pounds. I feel a little sad about this because when I was younger I would have lost faster, and I never had that big week one loss this time. That's ok though, I've been very on program, walking a little every day, and I even started the couch potato to 5k again. My joints feel every step and I feel a lot of hatred about what I've done to myself. I've been reading a lot about people with hanging skin after losing 100 pounds and this makes me apprehensive too. I have been completely alcohol free this month except that Friday and overall, that experience was so scary that most of me doesn't want to resume alcohol at all again. Of course, there are those moments when it becomes something that calls me. Once in a while, I can remember how wonderful that first glass of red wine feels, how it tastes like relaxation and special moments. How I crave both of those things so much, so red wine brings it and brings it hard. But the next day is so terrible that I have to keep that in mind.

Yesterday was the Giants game, and I had a similar situation, but instead of remembering how terrible I'd feel afterwards, I caved in for food. I cannot seem to stop beating myself up about it. I need to move on and I need to get good with myself again but I'm so very angry at my choices. I was 3 points left for the night but there was this inner call to order wings and things that I couldn't ignore. It wasn't even about me initially - it was about making it a special occasion for my kids. I know my daughter was mad for my son and I spending the night with the football game, and I know my son wanted wings. But is that just an excuse? Was it really me that wanted a special night? I wanted that excitement of a lot of people cheering for the game. I wanted my friends to be hosting something so I could go over and be part of something. In the end, one of them was available but she would have come to me and I didn't want to clean. I hate that my house is a mess. I hate that my other friends seem to have forgotten about me. I hate that my husband is always working and that he lied to me when he said he was going to retire this year. He lied to me when we got married when he said he was going to retire at 20 year and we would get a chance to live a normal life. Its all lies. He will never leave his job. I will always be a single. I regret marrying him and I regret this life and I regre this house and the whole thing. I don't get a doover. This is my life I've created and I have to live in it.

This is the background noise that runs in my head. Its run less this month as I've felt more proud of the weight loss and other work I'm doing to better myself. But, it was running last night and I caved. I am so so mad at myself. I ordered a veggie wrap, thinking it would be enough. And it would have put me at just negative 2 points for the 5 point tortilla. But I didn't stop there. I didn't stop. I started with some fries. Just a few. Then a whole lot. Then the wings. Just one. Then all 6 that were left. They were spicy and buttery and saucy and I loved them. And I loved the salty fries. They were salty and flavored and I was watching the football game with it.

But it was not pointed, and it wasn't planned, and it wasn't ok. And this morning I woke up with stomach cramps and had bad bowel movement, and I have literally not stopped thinking about what a failure I am. Was it worth it? Will I not see any loss this week? Why did I do this? What is wrong with me?

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

Jan 2nd - Day 2

It was a planning day. A get ready and start your engines day. It was overall successful.

My friends are also starting WW so we are all communicating about the different meals we want to make this week, sharing tips, ect. Its nice to have some social support.

I admit, I'm very tired. I guess its 6:20, and I was up early, and I'm just tired in general. I am going to acknowledge that and not beat myself up for not doing too much with laundry and dishes tonight (the bane of my existence.) I also will focus on that as I crave snacks. I know I'm really just tired and have a habit of reaching for food when I'm tired, especially after hubby goes to work. Its like the main source of criticism has gone away and now I'm free to relax. No better way to relax than have some food and drink. But, I have to stay on target and understand that those behaviors are maladaptive and I need to make healthy choices, like, yesterday.

I started my wellness journal that I picked up. So far I really like it. There's a lot of planning for wellness activities and then logging about how the day and week went. I think its exactly what I need. I also planned the week of food and I think that without alcohol in the picture, I have a good chance at some good weight loss this week. I weighed in at a painful 216. (5'2'') I was looking at my weight history and I got as low as 198 this year but started at 218, so at least I lost 2 pounds in 2022. Ha. At this rate, I'll reach 190 before I die. Ugh. I should be that lucky. I think I'll take fate into my own hands and actually lose the weight this time around.