ayahhyaa

[ayahhyaa]

Hmm

I dreamed of him today, and for the first time in history it's different from my other dreams. Usually when I dream of him, I always have the scenario or feeling that I'm forcing him to work things out and he doesn't want to, like. Every dream he rejects me, but this dream that I had today was different.

He went home. Here. In the philippines. He wants to fix it, and he hugged me. And it felt like home. We're with chin and lemoel, and he was there, and he was like, he went home so that he could fix it. And in my head like I'm happy that he was finally coming to his senses and that I felt home. But then he said something I cant remember, and that we argued again. Then in my dream I thought to myself " what if we're married and he's like this " "pabago bago siya" then I woke up. I tried to close my eyes. To continue the dream. But I just can't.

"Five minutes more. Just five minutes more." I thought to myself. It's the first dream that I had that I was not begging for love. It's the first time he hugged me in my dreams.

But sadly, that was it.

Now that I'm thinking about, my dream is right, what if we do got married, and he was like that. Na he will change, ganon na siya dati kaya kami nag end nung 2016, tapos ganun ulit nangyari. I'm just thankful na nasave na ko ni Heavenly Father with that kind of guy. Thankful ako na hindi na miserable life ko because I don't feel godly sorrow, or guilt anymore because I'm doing bad things. I'm finally happy it's over. Though there's still times that I hate him, I'm mad, I'm not okay, but it passes. So yun. I just always remind myself that I can't do anything about it na, at just accept that they're happy, they're living their best life and that they will not get any punishment for what they did. It doesn't matter anymore anyways because I don't care anymore. Just go ahead and get married para matapos na. Go ahead an do it josh. Hahah

[ayahhyaa]

Andro Francisco Fernando

Funny that I’m writing you a letter. The last time I wrote about you in my journal was like. 3?4? years ago. I don’t know if you’ll ever get to read this, but if you do, know that I’m currently listening to “In the mourning” by paramore while writing this. First of all, I’m beyond grateful to you. You don’t know how you deeply influenced me, my life. I know, I know, I’m never the best thing that ever happened to you, but please know that you are to me. You’re the greatest thing that ever happened to me because I really did my best to please you, and because of that I’ve become deeply converted to the gospel. I didn’t do it just because to impress you, maybe 5% of that yes, but because of you, I was inspired to have my own testimony and read the book of mormon. Not just that, you taught me how to carry conversations, to be confident, to ask questions about other people lives, to really know the person you’re talking to. I really love your weirdness and strangeness. I remember one time you asked me if I’m turned off because of your awkwardness, but know that, that’s what I deeply loved about you. 

We’re too young, yes, I’m too naive that time, and I don’t even know myself that time, but I needed you, so that I’ll know myself. But you know what? If I’ll have a chance to meet you again, I will never hesitate. I will definitely do everything all over again. Even if it’s just staying late up night, eating lugaw, or just talking to 711 for 4 fucking hours, I’ll definitely do it all over again with you, even if we will not end up with each other, but to talk to you and spent time to you again, I’ll definitely use my one time travel ticket with you, because it’s the purest and genuine love I ever gave to someone. I love you andro, but the different kind of love. that love that I’m finally happy that you’re happy. I’m no longer angry of what happened, you tried to say sorry many times, you tried to fix it, I know you did, and compare to Josh, you’re a lot better. It’s just that we can’t go back at it anymore. I’m happy you’re finally married, I’m happy, you’re happy. When I met josh I thought he was my first real love, but no, I realized now that you are. and forever will be. I just wish we could be friends, like you know, eat at some place and have some catch ups and talk about a lot of things. I really wish that. 

Looking back at everything, it was hell of a ride! 3 years andro! 3 years of waiting for you to call me, 3 years of dressing up and trying to impress you every dance social, 3 years of crying every time you’re talking to another girl and making me feel inadequate, 3 years of late night talks! I definitely miss those. But you know what? I also spent 3-4? years to get over you. to forget you. to forgive you. to accept that we’re not meant to be. I know, I know I’m never the best thing that ever happened to you, but please know that you are to me. 

[ayahhyaa]

Freaking recurring dreams

have you ever had recurring dreams? It’s a dream where the same thing happen all the time but different scenario. I kept dreaming about begging to you-know-who to come back to me and to say sorry to me and in my dream, you-know-who keeps rejecting me. Whatever happened in the past keeps happening in my dream. Like my dream keeps telling me that he doesn’t want me. Even if, in this present moment I’ve totally accepted the fact that he doesn’t want me and we’re not meant to be. In my dream, I keep showing that I still love him and then he keeps rejecting me but in different scenarios like. for example, there was this dream that I had where he was on the phone and talking to me “babe kamusta” but it was in an I-don't-want-this-anymore-tone and there was this dream that I had where he was holding flowers and he was giving it to his girl and I was on the side, and he’s not seeing or noticing me and I was just crying because he was so in love with this girl and I was there, the one he loved before and it just sucks because I feel the rejection every time I sleep, and then I’ll wake up with an ache in my chest. It become a routine actually that I just you know, just live and settle with it. Like, I don’t know, like I’ll just settle with whatever I have right now because the things that I want are not meant for me, so I just settle. 

But the other part of me doesn’t want that, you know, because, I know I should not just settle to the things I don’t want, I need to do something, to have them and make myself happy. But I don’t know if the people or things that I want is good for me anymore, because I just kind of think that, they’re not in my life anymore because they’re not supposed to be in my life anymore, because they’re bad for me now, or the bridge has already been burned down and there’s no way that I’ll freaking make a way to fix the bridge, because I’m not the one who destroyed it. So yeah. I just hate my dreams nowadays.

[ayahhyaa]

Can't sleep

I can't. Maybe because I took a nap earlier. Anyways, just writing to tell you that I realized it was not my fault. It was not. And I'm kind of happy that I finally realized that fact. I mean of course, there are some mistakes that I really did but it was not really my fault. I came across a tiktok video saying that a girl will never become toxic or demanding if she's getting the assurance she deserved. I know I was manipulated into thinking that it was my fault that lead him to do that, but it never was. He still have a choice. He has a choice to communicate properly but he didn't. He lied. And that's all he was. A lier. I'm happy to finally realize this. I hope the time will come that I'll be okay and fine.

[ayahhyaa]

pause button

I used to think how cliché some of the romantic movies are. You know that part were the other person is running to stop the wedding, giving a speech in front of the groom and all guests, persuading or proving to the bride she’s about to make a wrong choice in her life, then the bride will come down to her senses and realizes she doesn’t love the person she’s about to marry then she’ll runaway with the other person. yep. that part. It’s all bluff. 

I can’t believe that it’s happening to me right now..... except, I’m not doing anything to stop the wedding. I’m doing the total opposite of what's happening in movies. Just to be real, I can’t believe he can be this cruel to me. Everyday I wake up with the thought “oh... any day now he’ll get married” to someone he cheated me on with and I can’t do anything about it because I’m from the other part of the world, so I just let it crush my heart every single day. 

I know nothing can stop it. I know even if I DID stopped it, it won’t ever feel the same as it was. I know we’re not meant to be. I know he’s the wrong person for me. I know that even if we get married I will never be happy. I know his love is not true because if it was, he will choose me. I know that I deserve better. I know that I’ll marry someone in the future and I’ll be a great mom. I know that I’ll move on and heal. I know that that what I’m feeling is not permanent. I fucking know I’ll get over it.

...

...

.. but can I please have at least a day, that everything that is happening right now are not true and was all a dream? because I don’t want to hurt anymore. Can I please have a day, where I will wake up and mumble to myself “ Thank God it was all a dream “ Can I please have that? or just a pause button, where everything and everyone in the world stops, except me, and I’ll take the time to heal, I’ll take all the time in the world, and will pick up the million pieces one by one. I need more time to accept it. I need more time to forgive. I need more time to get over it.

[ayahhyaa]

Comet

Just worked out and watched movies all day. I watched Comet again, one of my favorite movies. I can’t believe that this movie that I watched long ago. like 6 years ago, will happen to me in real life. I really love what Dell (the male protagonist of the story) said to his ex partner:

“I don't belong in a world where we don't end up together. There are parallel universes out there where this didn't happen. Where I was with you and you are with me and whatever universe that is, that is where my heart lives in.”

I understand now what Dell felt. I feel alienated in this universe, in this world, because in this world, we didn’t end up with each other. And I’m from that universe where, him and I, belong together. I know this sounds romantic and cheesy, and really not like me, but I kind of wish that he waited for me, waited for me to finish my mission and then just came back for me and then marry. If this is a movie, that would be the twist.

If I’ll have a chance to forcefully align our stars and If I’ll have a chance to write my story in this world, I would write that he’ll realize that I was really the one he really want and he don’t want to regret his decision in marrying the wrong girl. He’ll call off his engagement, he will write me a letter or call me to tell me that it was all a mistake and that he’ll wait for me after my mission. By then, I already changed myself into a better person then he’ll keep his promise to marry me and love me 5ever. 

It’s all wishful thinking. yes. I know this will never happen and that he will never change his decision. I don’t know if I still love him, to be honest. He broke my heart. It’s easy if he broke it into big pieces, but it was shattered. And I’m picking up the million pieces one by one even though it’s not me who broke it. It just kind of sucks you know, that the person who promised he will never ever break your heart, broke it. I just hope that I’ll forget everything, because I deserve to be happy too. 

[ayahhyaa]

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

— C. S. Lewis

[ayahhyaa]

Last night's dream

I dreamed of him last night. I don't remember though, all I remember is we're on videocall and he said "hi babe kamusta" and I said babe back. But he said that in a tiring i-dont-wanna-do-this-anymore tone of voice and then I woke up. And I"m back to sqare one all over again. I cried. Hard. Over and over. Kung panaginip lang ang lahat, five minutes pa. Please. I mean I know, kahit anong pilit ko, wala na talaga. Pero just another 5 minutes, mafeel ko lang na kami pa ulit.

I asked Heavenly Father while crying, of all people na pwede saktan, why me? Bakit ako na puro trauma na sa buhay? I just cried and cried then I went to the mall until I don't feel sad anymore.

[ayahhyaa]

Doing nothing

I can't believe I'm actually at the edge of our terrace, staring at the dark clouds, my dad at the living room with his prostitute, my kuya talking to someone on the phone. And I'm freaking here at the edge, laying down. One move, I can definitely fall and die.

It's a little funny but I talked to a tarot reader today. I don't believe those, and wala lang for trippings lang. I asked about the wedding and the tarot reader said that yes matutuloy siya. And now, I don't know what to feel. It's like you don't want it to happen, but you don't actually do something to stop it and for it not to happen. You just lay there, stare at the dark sky, and just fucking feel whatever you're feeling. You don't want something to happen, but you just let it, because you don't have any power to stop it, so you just lay there and wish to die. Because witnessing someone you genuinely loved for a long time marrying someone else is the most unfair thing ever happened to me.

But the tarot reader assured me that I will find someone too. The one that I truly deserved. I don't know if it will happen, I just wanna fucking leave and go to bukidnon after my mission. Just disappear.

[ayahhyaa]

Love as Acceptance

Caitlyn Siehl // Leonard Cohen, "Anthem" // Rumi, "Bitterweet" // trans. Anne Carson, "Euripides" // Sade Andria Zabala, "Coffee and Cigarettes" // tumblr acct @/gayassnatural // Anne Carson, "H of H Playbook" // William Shakespeare, "Sonnet 116" // Clementine von Radics, "Mouthful of Forevers" // Toni Morrison, "Jazz"

[ayahhyaa]

Just wondering when will the bleeding stops? How many days more? How many mornings that I need to wake up feeling the ache to my chest? How many random time of the day that I'll get that icks?

I definitely know suffering is a choice, but maybe this is just who I am. That it's not easily for me to heal. And even though I know that I'll be okay, I just want to write here that, what happened really destroyed me. And I don't wish for anyone to go through it because, it's very painful. No one deserves that kind of pain.

[ayahhyaa]

Laughter is the same in all languages.

[ayahhyaa]

thinking about “you haven’t met all the people who will love you” and like!!! you also haven’t found all the things that will make you happy!!!! there will always be new authors and musicians and artists whose work you will one day discover and love!!!! there will always be new hobbies and skills for you to learn and feel fulfilled by!!! there will always be new things around the corner that will bring sudden and unexpected happiness!!!!!!!!!!!

[ayahhyaa]

Distorted

Freak! I received my final pay computation and it said that I'm missing the Lenovo Tablet which costs like. 7k. I'm a little irritated about this because I keep replaying in my head if I returned it or did not return it. And I kind of remember I did but I'm not sure if my brain is just making that up because I lost something. It feels like it's just a distorted memory because I'm missing something and making up memories that I did return it makes me calm. I don't like this feeling that I'm missing something because it's making me anxious. It makes me overthink a lot and making me replaying memories from the past. I hate recalling the past, because it feels like I'm opening up wounds. I just don't feel like thinking of the past but i have to because I can't freaking remember if I return the tablet.

That's the big problem with me. Because when someone or something tells me that I'm at fault or lost something because of me, i kind of twist what happened and kind of think that it really is my fault, that I'm dumb and it's all my fault and just put the blame on me. This kind of sucks. Anyways. Still got to think avout the tablet.

[ayahhyaa]

I saw it coming

I didn't do much today. Just cleaned the house then we had sleepover. It was fun. But then. Amabelle told me the news and pinakita sakin yung pictures. He is getting married. I told them I'm okay but they know I'm not. The sad thing here is, he even pinned it. Samantalang nung nag engage kami, he stopped me from posting our engagement photos.

I don't even know what I'm feeling. I mean I already saw this coming. I've already expected this outcome. I know they WILL marry the first time they posted a picture together. Pero iba pala talaga when you really experienced it kahit na you expected it.

It's a good thing I saw it firsthand before I go on a mission. At least now, I can super focus to the Lord's work.

But it really hurts five. My heart is crying right now. Because of course there's still a little part of me that wishes he'll get his lesson, people tell that the person who hurt you will have their own karma, right? Wrong. Because right now he's getting married and he's so happy. I mean, I don't feel jealous he's happy, not like before, I'm just hurt. Super hurt. That he didn't get hurt the same way I was hurt.

Well, as benjamin button said, "you can be a mad dog at the way things went. You can swear and curse fate. But when it comes to the end, you have to let go."

It hurts five, I just hope that someday, I'll be happy too.

[ayahhyaa]

New friends :D

So, today is sunday, and I started the day alright. But before sacrament kuya and I had an argument, about what happen last night with papa. He said about something honour thy father and mother. It pissed me off. So, i didn't partook of the bread and water today. Skip skip.

We had FHE today and a farewell party for emman. It feels good to have FHE with YSA. It made me feel good. Then tge best part today is I made new friends again! With amabelle and others. I'm happy! She shared stories about her mission and made me feel excited to do the Lord's work. I like it. Making new friends. We will have sleep over tomorrow. All in all. I have the best day.

[ayahhyaa]

Temple Day!

We went to the temple today and we perform proxy sealing. It was my first time doing this ordinance! It feels the best. I met new friends, kuya john, joyce, and therese. After that, we had our sesh by 1pm. I really feel good going to the temple and doing ordinances. The Holy Ghost whispered to my ears that I should keep on getting better. Keep up in doing good work. Though my change is not instant, little by little, I'm doing my best to be better. After our session, we went to venice, grand canal.

Yep. That's where our last date before he went to hawaii. I don't feel good at first, because I don't think I'm ready yet, but then I think God's time, is always the perfect time. We went there with kuya and with my new friends, they said I should stop worrying because we will just make NEW good memories. And we did. I really had the best time with them, tho I'm really tired because we spent our whole day to the temple, I'm glad I met them and had lots of laugh with them. On the way to guadalupe station, we had our short road trip with background music and all. The one memory that I had from the past was replaced with new friends. I'm happy. I'm happy that, even if it's a baby step, I'm happy that I'm moving forward.

So we got home and papa was drunk. Then he said he wants to talk to me. Then we talked. He said that I should stop stalking them and move on already. I said that I'm already moved on and I already stopped stalking them long time ago. He said that he feels that I'm going on a mission because of Josh. I said, my original plan was to go on a mission, I'm just doing what I really want. Then he said a lot of things that hurt me. He also said that I have a lot of flaws, which is kaya "di niya daw masisisi" why Josh left me. Hearing this hurt me and made me feel like I'm the one's at fault, or like there's something wrong with me. It hurts and it got me furious. I lashed back at him, "edi sinasabi mo na may mali sakin kaya siya nanloko? Di ba pwedeng cheater lng talaga siya at ayaw niya sabihin ang totoo?" Then he said a lot of things. I said to him in a calmy voice " osige papa, tatanggapin ko na may mga mali ako, may mga flaws ako, na tama ka, may dapat ako baguhin, pero ikaw ba winowork out mo yung sarili mo?" He got furious and start saying na his mistakes is his mistakes, it's between him and God, and that is a different thing. Then I told him that " ang hirap kasi, sinasabi mo may mga mali ako na inaacknowledge ko naman, pero ikaw na may mga mali din, di mo naman winowork out " He said a lot of things and started calling me "sister" which makes me feel like he's mocking me that I'm not worthy to go on a mission because I'm not "good" enough. Then he said he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and that "makakaalis ka na sa harapan ko."

I'm hurt, I don't want to say those hurtful words, but that's the truth. How can he say things that I should change, when he himself doesn't do any effort to make change. He's always like that, always making me feel that I'm not good enough to go on a mission. He also said to me that I'm just going on a mission to escape the heartache. I'm going on a mission, because that's what Heavenly Father asked me to do, and I also want to improve myself. It's really the original plan. My own plan. Anyways, i don't care what he says anymore, because I'm decided to serve tge Lord and nothing can stop me from doing the Lord's work.