awkwardvulgarvivid

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i was a contestant on season two of big brother, and the cast are reassembled in order to pitch our gofundmes for reality stars with no viable future source of income.

later on at the twenty year reunion party, a fellow cast member i remember chiefly for being irritating reveals that she has been privately hacking my gmail account for fifteen years. i wake up in a panic and immediately knock a glass of water over a plug socket.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i am shopping for a suit in a department store. at the paul smith concession, a silver-grey jacket is embroidered with illustrations inspired by ‘the joy of sex’, culminating in a depiction of an orgy that resembles ‘where’s wally’ in its accumulation of bodies. within it, there is a clear likeness of the performance artist liz rosenfeld.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i’m at a museum that has a durational performance piece related to the olympics - a paralympian with an amputated leg is playing table tennis with himself, uninterrupted for 30 days. sat on a purpose-built bench, his arms extend through a perspex screen with a bat in each hand, through which he bats the ping pong ball from side to side. i keep distracting him and he is forced to drag himself across the floor and collect the ball when he misses.

i get an email from my mum saying my dad died from a heart attack

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

spanish authorities begin issuing passports with a new design depicting the beaches in sitges in moonlight

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i come to understand that the music video for paris hilton’s ‘stars are blind’ was directed by the enfant terrible of gen-z fashion photography, quil lemons. i do the maths and realise he did that work at the age of 8.

the video is a cgi simulation of paris hilton in her private island theme park, where paris is both riding the rollercoaster and also somehow herself *is* the rollercoaster.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i’m invited to an irish wedding on a super yacht where i know literally nobody, including the bride and groom. they r insanely wealthy and i remember almost nothing about the ceremony or the reception other than that i wandered around for looking for a coffee for an inordinantly long time.

we’re sleeping in dormitory rooms but i keep getting lost and winding up in the honeymoon suite, where the happy couple are arguing about whether it’s strictly necessary to fuck on their wedding night when they’re exhausted and shitfaced.

after breakfast the next day i discover the top deck is an elaborate waterpark and wedding guests are required to be in swimming togs on the top three decks.

i’m self conscious about being the only man in speedos. then a coterie of irish power gays arrive and i am both relieved for kinship and irritated that they entirely ignore me and my attempt to seductively ride the water slide.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i’m powerfully dumb and drunk at a mitski concert, packed in with all my friends, so intensely joyful. i’m filming everything for posterity even tho it’s obnoxious.

mitski is on masterful form and brings out a marching orchestra of eight boy scouts, each playing the french horn. they accompany her for a truly deranged version of ‘me and my husband’ heavy on the brass section.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i’m with my friend emily in barcelona for the live finale of the x factor, and rambling around the bars i run into one of the finalists, a blandly sincere mancunian called rob or matt or something, with blonde hair and a brunette twin brother. we make out in the street and i take him home. we’re boyfriends immediately.

in our downtime before the show, we’re led through a literary workshop by a local professor. one of the books is an elaborate coffee table edition consisting only of photographs of cigarette smoke. it’s called EDWARD ENNIFIELD’S VAPOUR. the book is rolled up into a tube rather than hinged, and i find two bags of drugs inside. cool!

one bag is full of mdma, and the other with some mysterious crystallised brown tabs i can’t identify.

me and my friend emily head straight to the after party and dinner. i’ve forgotten about rob or matt at this point. i’m wearing a supersized green dolls dress with an ugly peter pan collar and i look like a total badass.

emily and i take all the drugs and roll directly onto the dancefloor, where the DJ is playing ‘girls just want to have fun’. i’m having the BEST TIME.

waiting for the high to kick in, i take a closer look at my baggies and the drugs turn out to be sea salt and a vegan biscuit.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i’m on a flight where the in flight duty free is actually a fishmonger, and i buy a fresh turbot and a trout and a catfish. i have to apologise to the passenger in the next seat as i balance my fish on their tray table while fetching my wallet from my hand luggage.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

it’s my last day of sixth form and i’m sentimental in all sincerity, anticipating the nostalgia of hearing rokysopp’s ‘what else is there (thin white duke remix)’, and remembering that my best dudes, it’s our song!!

in parallel, the sociopathic CEO of my former employer has fallen on hard times, and has taken a job as the school janitor. in his side hustle, he is also a sex worker for visiting businessmen. i experience some cognitive dissonance around my pleasure at this fall from grace and the need to affirm the dignity of sex work, which is resolved by incorporating his narrative into a South Pacific-themed skit in the sixth form review.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

a gift voucher for a tattoo parlour is expiring, and in panic i get a full colour image of linus from peanuts on my ankle

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i take a job working for tyra banks, who has fallen on hard times and has relocated the headquarters of her lifestyle business empire to my parent’s house in yorkshire. my duties include hanging around, making suggestions and balancing in the air with my feet on the wall and my hands on the bannister which actually looks pretty cool.

tyra has also hired an evil witch with a claudia winkleman fringe who gives her terrible career and dietary advice, but who has the air of a mystic authority because she has an accent and an interesting relationship with syntax.

while tyra is busy presenting her internet radio show - that pulls in $13m and that *i* said she should do, not that i got any credit - i lure the witch to an abandoned barn. i bind her from doing harm, to herself and others, by sealing her eyes with salt.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i’m traversing some postindustrial environment that is somehow both a physical space and a set of internet tabs that i’m able to switch between at will

in one space, kanye west is introducing nina simone in her debut posthumous concert, which honestly i am so honoured to be witnessing, and i would definitely be paying full attention, were it not that in another tab, my friend ed is commentating on a live press conference in which the long running character dr karl kennedy from the australian soap opera ‘neighbours’ is publicly dishing the dirt on his sacking

at some point i experience a strong cognitive dissonance around these two choices, which i also resolve is on brand

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

for my birthday, i assign all of my friends into groups of five and they are required to form a pop group and perform a song for my pleasure. we’re in a timber warehouse, for some reason.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

me and ciara are very much in love and also health goths now

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

a classic false dawn. i wake up and reach for my phone in order to start my day RIGHT ie to listen to the new miley cyrus. as i pull the phone towards me, i notice one of my headphones is trapped in the mouth of a small black cat.

i try to figure out if i know whether a cat's teeth are sharp enough to bite through a headphone cord, or if a silicone earbud would fuck up her digestive system, and if, on balance, that means i care more about my headphones or a living thing.

[awkwardvulgarvivid]

DREAM UPDATE

i'm offered a job at citizens advice, who are branching out from their normal service providing guidance and a sympathetic ear to members of the great british public in order to launch a CITIZENS PIRATE SHIP.

my job will be part of a team rolling around on the ocean defending the rights of citizens everywhere, taking on the navies of rogue nations for the good of humankind. only once i get onto the ship do i experience any cognitive dissonance relating the duties of the new job and my known lack of sea faring skills.

putting doubts firmly to one side, i spend the rest of the dream shopping for a new wardrobe of breton stripes and slutty cabin boy jorts.