avalanched-cluster-control

[avalanched-cluster-control]

It’s been some time

I never got my teeth removed. I start my new job in 2 days and I haven’t even officially left my last one. This is hard. My moral compass is all the way fucked up. I’m not sure what part of me is me or what part is conditioned to act or feel a way. What do I really believe win, what do I deem as good or bad? Idk but I’m not going to let it take away from the opportunity I have. I’m leveling myself up and I should be proud of myself nonetheless. The path to becoming who you want to be, will require you to sometimes make extremely hard choices.

I’m just really really really tired of making hard choices. Having to decide for yourself is the worse part of adulting.. it’s probably the part that makes you an adult the most. No one can decide or choose for you, even if you ask for help. At the end you are the only one that can choose for you and also the only one that can be heavily effected by any reactions to the choices you make. Life’s hard

[avalanched-cluster-control]

Holy $h!t, I cleaned my bathroom last night..

I think we tend to forgot how much energy goes into the simplest of task, especially when we're feeling sad, down or just overwhelmed. 

I had to dig DEEP yesterday, to find the motivation. But afterwards I felt so much better. Funny that our surroundings have a direct impact on us and how we interpret our world. 

I moved out of my parents house about 8 months ago, but if I’m being honest, my place still looks like I just moved in. Lots has happened in those 8 months that held me back. I don't know, maybe there is a comfort in knowing I have all my belongings around me or maybe it doesn’t feel like home yet?  

okay enough of that. What’s really on my mind is the thought of having surgery next week to remove part of my wisdom tooth also costing me $1,100, cant remove the full tooth because it’s too close to a nerve. I know it’s probably routine for the dentist but I HATE the dentist, I’ve had a lot of mouth issues in my 25 years of living and I’m just about done. The way life is set up is kind of not fair. I was told my wisdom teeth were so small and probably will never come out.. but avalanche season did what it does best... and now I’m a week away from surgery while also in finals week for my first semester of grad school. 

I’m not complaining, I feel blessed actually. To be able to afford the dentist, to be able to have adequate health care, to be able to take off from work, being able to obtain my masters degree, being able to just be here. Even when it’s hard I like to remember to be grateful, not many people have the tools to overcome these difficult times. I have the support and tools so even when it’s hard, I know I’ll come out alive.  

[avalanched-cluster-control]

[avalanched-cluster-control]

This is weird

This is not the same, as it was in 2011.

Technically right now I’m just communicating with myself, I have not publicized this blog; I’m not sure if I’m even going to.

I just had Panera for lunch, my stomach is on fire but that’s a whole other topic in itself. I’m currently sitting in my cubicle at work, my supervisor is gone for two hours so now is the best time to get this going..

Let’s start with the name of the blog and why I chose it.

An avalanche is a rapid flow of snow down a hill or mountainside. Although avalanches can occur on any slope given the right conditions, certain times of the year and certain locations are naturally more dangerous than others. 

If you knew me, you’d know I always compare cycles I’ve gone through in life as avalanche’s and I refer to difficult times in my life as avalanche seasons. During an avalanche season what typically occurs is a bunch of fucked up bad shit, all at once. It just keeps on rapidly flowing straight to me, engulfing me in as it goes. This years avalanche season was tough, I’m still in it. I think I’m at the part that I like to refer to as the cluster. The cluster is the part where you can see the light at the end but the light is still far, I have moments clusters where I feel inspired and have some energy but then other clustered moments, I feel extremely weak; and that brings us to control. When the avalanche is in progress I’m usually freaking out, crying, having anxiety attacks, in general I’m all over the place, all at the same time. The cluster’s give me moments of clarity and finally one day it hits and I AM IN CONTROL. I’m almost there I can feel the snowball  slowing down. The avalanche isn’t as fast today. I can see the light.

I felt like I just wrote a whole lot of nothing and a whole lot of something at the same time.