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Love Letters to Cory #1

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Cory,

I love you. I think I’m in love with you. Can you be in love with someone if they don’t feel the same way?

I don’t know if you feel the same way about me. I used to be worried that you liked me more than I did you. But you’ve hardly spoken to me this past week, and I feel like something has changed.

I have been preparing myself and hyping myself up to start peeling away from you. Not feeling so much for you. Moving on by myself. Well, we were never together. I have to remind myself of that. I’m not yours and you’re not mine.

Despite being angry, down, and depressed, I’ve also had my flares of sexual arousal. It’s been 3 weeks since we last had sex. Since I last had sex. With you… In my bed. It was so fucking good. I miss it. I miss you.

I can’t stop thinking about you when I masturbate. It’s all I can think about. I try to watch porn, but nothing amuses me until I turn my head over and start imagining you. Imagining your body over mine, my legs spread, your hands on the back of my thighs. You’re still wearing your glasses in my fantasy. I’m trying to remember if you still wore your glasses while you fucked me.

You’re starting to fade. I try to remember your voice, but it fades and fuzzes out like a radio station when you’re driving out of town. I try to remember your face, your hair, your arms, your hands, your body, the smell of your T-shirt. Sometimes I can remember bits and pieces, but it’s hard to put it all together.

Fuck, I love you.

I was thinking earlier today that I need to find a new “play thing” or “boy toy” as I teasingly call it/them. I mentally microrehearsed opening my laptop and opening tabs upon tabs of craigslist ads. And before I could even move, I got upset. There was a block. I don’t want anyone else. I have no will in me to meet someone new, make conversation with someone else, have a stranger’s flesh on me and inside me. It makes my skin crawl and my eyes well up just writing it.

I love you.

I was watching a video that turned me on and as my orgasm started to spark my brain instantly went to you. I felt your mouth on my pussy, on my clit, licking my slit, as I came against your eager tongue.

And then I cried.

I miss you. I want you.

I don’t think we’re ever going to fuck again. Something’s happening that you’re not telling me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s changed.

And yes, I’ve only spoken of sex, but I’ve fucked plenty of guys and still been able to imagine anyone or anything I wanted. I didn’t like them like that. I do like you like that. I like that we waited. That’s what I’ve been wanting. I like that you care about me and want to know me. That’s what I’ve been wanting. All these tricks before you were just things to do while I was bored and waiting for someone like you. You finally came when I pushed all of that away and spent some time alone. I don’t know why I came into your life. I thought maybe I had been sent on a mission by the universe to help you. But I know that the help you need is help you can only find inside yourself. I’ve been thinking lately that I regret meeting you. I knew that shit would most likely not end well and I’d end up getting my feelings hurt. And my feelings are hurt, have been hurt, continue to hurt. But in the short time I’ve known you, you’ve shown me hope and progress. You’ve shown me love and interest. It’s not a complete loss. I just don’t think it’s our time. But then again, I’m unsure if there will be a good time for us. Maybe we’re not meant to be together. I don’t know. It’s not something I like to think about.

I want to come home to you. I want to come home from work, sit down on the couch with you, run my fingers through your hair while you tell me about your day. I want to kiss you when you’re done. I want to kiss you sweetly, deeply, passionately. I love you. I want the freedom to love you as much as I can. We can be together. Live together. Never have limited time together. I can kiss you as much as I want and forever how long I want. (As long as you want it.)

I kind of hate being in love with you. Because I know we can’t be together. Not now and more than likely not ever. You say you don’t want me to wait, and we’ve discussed that it wouldn’t be fair for me to not have the freedom to see other people, but I know you want me to only want you, and right now, I do only want you.

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

So I’ve met this guy.

We met a week ago today.

We met up for drinks. And then we spontaneously decided to go to a movie while we were doing drinks. And then we sat in his truck for a while after and talked.

And then he came over on Sunday and hung out. We made out, and then we watched Twin Peaks.

We were gonna go out today; we were going to go to the Blanton. But we met up yesterday instead; he couldn’t wait. I was excited. We talked a bit. Then made out. And then we went into the bedroom and gave each other oral. No real sex yet.

He wants to wait. And I’m really digging it.

But, he really likes me and actually wants to know me, and at least be friends, and I just don’t understand why he likes me so much. The thing is is I like him too. And I don’t know what I want.

But he’s in a relationship. One he wants to get out of, but he’s still in it. So. I can’t let myself have feelings.

But fuck, I already feel like I love him. Like something in me just wants to send a text saying “I love you”. 

We talked on the phone for almost 3 hours. Like fuck, when was the last time I did that? If ever.

I even told my mom about him. Not the part that he’s like, technically unavailable, but that I was going out with him and stuff. And I think it’s because something might work; at least it feels like it could.

Today he told me he had a dream that we were married, had 5 kids, he was a musician, I was a designer, and everything was perfect.

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I'm voice typing right now because I need to leave soon and I don't have time to physically write all my thoughts down, so that may be why this might not be super fluid or make a lot of sense but whatever. I sort of have this like new crush thing and I don't know how saying it is or it was when I used to have one but I don't know it kind of occupies my mind and makes me feel good there's this guy named Hamilton Morris who is like a Psychonauts he's got a show on Vice called Hamilton's pharmacopeia and he's also just like totally my type like really tall and thin and kind of wears like simple clothes kind of bookish looking nice glasses dark hair big eyes big lips he also has a big nose. I kind of find it funny that my old long term imaginary crash boyfriend whatever was Billy Hamilton. I recently have been trying to put in place of that my boss Levi and you know I don't really think that's healthy you know I think I kept it separate between my mind and reality but you know it's still kind of weird like seeing him at work and knowing that you're having these intimate thoughts about him that will never become reality and because it's something based on reality that I can that I know and I can experience it creates complex in my mind you know in regards to the fact that he has a wife and I work for him and he's older than me so I'm really glad that I have experienced this new person who I feel as much a better fit for me and honestly has inspired me and just in the last 24 hours two Become maybe more so some what you would call a scholar. This person Hamilton and he's just insanely fucking smart like he's a chemist like he's a scientist basically a journalist and I don't know I mean it would take me a long time to get to that level but it makes me want to be somewhere near that level to where I can be with somebody like that you know I don't think that it would ever be hem in reality but you know I want something like that. I watched a video of him doing like a report on flotation devices and I really want to do that soon I don't know where it will fit in my budget. I did my food log today I really want to start doing low carb diet potentially the Whole 30 diet but I don't know if I can go that far but I want to eat all the food I have first and get all the bad stuff out of the way so I don't sabotage what I do you know when I do do one of those diets and I can eat I could technically eat for a few weeks with what I have I don't know if I will make that because there would be a lot of days towards the end then I would eating leading purely Soylent and oatmeal and almonds and that is going to be a sad process but I'm kind of hoping I can push through that so they can reduce what I have in the cabinets and you know clear space and mental space whatever to move on to something different I'm really wanting to work on whole and pure changes in my life I really want to start meditating I'm kind of confused on the process right now but I downloaded an app that guided meditation for beginners and you know I think that may be doing that will help me gain intuition and willpower into the goals I want to achieve allow me to deal with things that I'm having hard time dealing with like pushing through work when I really feel like I need a break I was just thinking maybe I might take some extra days off in August still though I really can't afford to take any time off but maybe I can take a couple days off around my other days off and have like a four-day weekend maybe even a three-day weekend would be good enough I just want a little extra time to myself and yeah. Things are going to be changing which I'm really happy I'm going to be picking up office manager tasks 2 days a week although that may not come into play for a few months probably October at the latest but so I feel like I have to be on my on my best behavior between now and then so maybe the meditational really help me be able to you know focus on my work and get things done don't let it all out apps on my phone today I don't have the meditation app I downloaded Google Fit although I don't really know how much that's going to help me be no its still kind of weird like seeing him at work and knowing that you're having these intimate thoughts about him that will never become reality and because it something based on reality that I can that I know and I can experience secret complex in my mind you know in regards to the fact he has a wife and I work for him and he's older than me so I'm really glad that I have experienced this new person who I feel as much better fit for me and honestly has inspired me just in the last 24 hours to become maybe more so somewhat you would call us scholar. This person Hamilton he's just insanely fucking smart like he's a, so like he's a scientist basically a journalist and I don't know I mean it would take me a long time to get to that level but it makes me want to be somewhere near that level 2 where I can be with somebody like that you know I don't see that I would ever be him in reality but you know I want something like that. I want Chaffee do of him doing week report on flotation device is and I really want to do that soon I don't know where it will fit in my budget. I did my food log today I really want to start doing Lowell carb diet potentially the whole 30 diet but I don't know if I can go that far but I want to eat all the food I have first and get all the bad stuff all the way so I don't sabotage what I do you know when to do do one of those diets and I can't eat I could technically eat for a few weeks ago but I have I don't know if I will make that because the will be a lot of days towards the end that I would heating leading purely Soylent and oatmeal and almonds and that is going to be a sad process but I'm kinda hoping I can push through that so I can reduce what I have in the cabinets and you know clear space and middle space whatever to move on to something different I'm really wanting to work on whole and your changes in my life I really want to start meditating I'm kind of confused on the process right now but my downloaded in app that says I did meditation for beginners and you know I think that maybe doing that will help me game and tuition and willpower into the Kohl's I want to achieve may allow me to deal with things that I'm having a hard time dealing with like pushing through work when I really feel like I need a break we just thinking maybe I might take some extra days off and August although I really can't afford it take any time off but maybe I can take a couple days off around my other days off and have like a4 day weekend maybe you went to 3 day weekend would be good to my just want to little extra time to myself and yeah. Things are going to be changing which I'm really happy I could be picking up office manager tasks 2 days a week although it may not come into play for a few months hobby October at the latest but so I feel like I have to be on my on my best behavior between now and then so Weaver then meditation roll really help me be able to you now focus on my work and get things done downloaded all out app so my phone today I doubted the meditation a by downloaded Google fit all the I don't really know how much that's going to help me download it this Twilight app that changes the light on your phone Tori you number help you sleep with your using your phone at night. Also download a checklist app so that I can remind myself to do all the things I need to be doing like brushing my teeth twice a day fall saying rinsing washing my face twice a day I don't know I'm not sure if I'm going to add showering everyday cuz I I really feel like I need to shower everyday but you know it might be a good thing but you know just reminders healthy reminders from me. Rachel the girl that I work with she's out of town for a week and have to feed her cat got to go today and just a little bit and I don't know not feeling super like excited about it because I did it a month ago and the cat is just anxious and you know kind of frantic as far as her personality goes she would kind of act friendly for a little bit and then she would attack me in times you know she broke my skin several times she bit me and scratched me and you know she spits at me and hisses at me when I'm not even close to her and I'm I don't know it makes me nervous and I don't particularly want to be around that but I don't know maybe maybe you know she'll recognize me this time and maybe it'll be better whatever yeah. And then Saturday I have an interview with this girl Lisa who does pet sitting business that Kyoko referred me to and I don't know how I really feel about that I was really wanting to get some extra work to make some extra money but I'm also you know wanting to focus on self help stuff and I feel like the extra time I do have right now is really important for that but I think I'm just going to be like firm about what I'm able to do with her and in the case that that doesn't work for her than you know I'll just be okay with that and not accepting the job if I if I know can't have the capacity for what she wants. I also agreed to get drinks with this girl that I've been messaging on OkCupid and I'm not 100% sure how I feel about that either. As far as I know she's in an open relationship so I don't know what a relationship with me and would entail I'm not super interested in having a relationship and honestly like I don't know I like sex but I'm not super and I don't understand not super interested and getting like super intimate with someone right now and I feel like maybe entertaining her was a mistake and I don't want to be like a bitch and like bail on her period we haven't made an actual date date yet I just agreed you know that I would this thing is going to be really busy anyway so it may not be till later on that I can meet her up with her. And also like I don't really know if she's my type. So I don't know talking her kind of made me question my sexuality part of me feels like I just get really nervous trying to meet girls and maybe it's because I'm not supposed to or the fact that I'm more comfortable with men I don't know I mean I know that everything is on a spectrum and I know that I am like more attracted to men but I you know I still feel like I would have really shines with women I'm just I just don't think that I'm particularly interested in any kind of relation like besides friends right now so I don't know I'll guess I can try to communicate that to her. I guess I need to go got to go feed the cat before I go to work. I'm working late tonight and I haven't in awhile and I'm working late Saturday and Sunday tooperiod but that means more money for me I have Management training on Monday too so I kind of basically only have one day off and it's only 4 hours on Monday but still. Just hoping that I keep this positive kind of calm feeling up and keep moving forward and hope I feel good this evening when I get home and make good choices and have a great week and be able to manifest manifest things that I wantperiod I want to you know really start moving forward and becoming some kind of person you know I feel like I've always been in between and I feel like maybe I'm starting to move towards thoughts that I want to flush out and you know I don't know I want to start studying things have some kind of semblance or substance to myself.

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Today marks a year since the last time I talked to my ex-boyfriend. The last thing he said to me was “fuck off”, and I resent that, but I don’t think there was any other way for us to part ways. I was too stuck on him.

I am cleaning my room, rearranging things, tidying up my closet. I have a small black letter box with notes and cards from him, and a couple of plushies he gave me for Valentine’s day; our first Valentine’s day; my first Valentine’s day. A bee and a monkey. I pull the box down, and remember this anniversary. I think, how fitting would it be for me to finally get rid of this stuff? Just chunk it and lose the reminders. I take the stuffies out and pull out a note that was scribbled on a torn off piece of an envelope. “Jacy- Thanks for coming to see me. -Doug”. 

After all the turmoil and fighting, and the big issues that loomed over our relationship, I’ve been wondering if we ever loved each other. But we did. These notes and letters are a reminder of that. We  did. And maybe be we loved each other before we even knew it. We definitely needed one another, that’s for sure. 

I start bawling as I read this note. I pull out cards he got me for birthdays and Valentine’s. I read a letter he sent me from jail. I don’t want to cry. I don’t exactly know why I am crying. I want to burn these, but I just can’t. I still can’t let go. I can’t even take pictures of them and throw them away. I want them. I think I want them because it’s the only proof I have left that I have been loved before. It’s proof that despite the evil and hatred that prevailed from our relationship, there were moments that were really really good. Reminders that it wasn’t a total loss. That there was happiness. That I don’t have to feel so resentful for it. That it had validity.

I moved the letters into a different box. A new box for overflow keepsakes. My other one has gotten full. I put the stuffies together, and put them down at the bottom of my sock drawer and cover them up. I wish I could at least get rid of them, but... that’s us; in love. I’m the bee, and he’s the monkey, and they’re stuck forever in love, and that’s the only way we’ll be together. So until further notice, they’ll stay together in a safe spot.

I don’t want Doug back. He’s an ill person that is not in check with reality. It will never work between us. Our values do not match at all at this point. I would like to be madly in love with someone again, and to think that I was with him, that maybe it would be so much more grand with someone that I can actually connect with on the same level. I’m not so sure right now if that will ever happen. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but something that feels so far out of reach. Definitely what drove me to want to stay with him despite the torture he put me through. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to be loved. I still do. I just want to do it right next time.

I feel as though I’m settling into being single (like REALLY single). We’ve been officially broken up for 2 and a half years, and like I said earlier, it’s been a year now with no contact. I’ve rolled through a few fuck buddies and flings, but I’m just over entertaining people with no substance. I like having sex, but it feel so flat and boring after while if there’s no progression, passion, or interest involved. I’m tired of meeting people off the internet. It’s just... unnatural. I’m not knocking it, but it’s a lot of work. And it’s hard to make yourself look good and appealing, when you know that you’re someone who needs patience and understanding. I don’t think anyone’s gonna be super enthralled with me on a first date, but I don’t think that means I’m undateable. I just think I need to get to know someone over time, show them my energy, my kindness, my understanding. I’m a quiet person, and this person needs to know and understand this. That I communicate in more ways than words. And words are the only way to communicate through a screen; so it’s not super compatible for me. I want to come together with another in a more organic, natural way. Someone from “real life”. Which means I need to get somewhere in “real life” to find this person. But, I’m not interested in looking right now. Searching sometimes has it’s purpose, but I don’t think it does right now. I need to do some improving on myself so I can be a better version of me for the next person that comes around. Maybe they’ll show up when I least expect it.

But I also worry they’ll never show up at all... The future is uncertain. I don’t know what to expect anymore, so I just take it one day at a time.

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

I have a crush on my boss. I had a dream last night where we were in a perilous situation. We were in a vehicle being swept away suddenly by flood waters. I looked at him in fear, and we clasped hands. I know he did so to comfort me, and for us not to feel alone in a time we may die. Also, if we got carried away by the water, we'd still be together. It was a moment I can't forget. The dream scared me, but when I woke up I was disappointed that it had not rained one drop, much less flooded overnight. It's like I would've been okay to go through that just to have had that moment with him.

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I think I have a lot to write about. Not sure if I’ll be able to wrangle and organize all my thoughts.

I woke up yesterday morning with a matter-of-fact realization that I am depressed. Just not depressed like I used to be. Not suicidal or anything, but lowkey, still depressed. I have no ambition for anything. I keep wishing I’d get back into art, or pick up some new hobby, or at least start exercising a little bit, or just fucking brush my teeth and wash my face twice a day. I’m starting to get tired of my job (which is a whole other thing). I’m not being super nice or communicating with finesse with clients. Yesterday I was someplace else, and I dunno, just didn’t handle things as well as usual. Not in a breakdown and cry kind of way, but just my brain fizzling while my mouth hangs open.

I’ve become aware of mass change on the horizon. It’ll be a while to the horizon, but something worth thinking about now. My dad will stop paying child support at the end of the year, so I’ll be down $230 a month. As long as my roommate and her bf are still together, I’m sure they’ll move in together when the lease is up in March (of next year). I know it’s something they already want to be doing, so I’m gonna have to figure something out then. I’ve finally come to terms that I’ll have to have a roommate, but I don’t want one other than Coleen :( She’s the best I’ve ever had; I’ve hated everyone else. It would be great to be able to get my own place, but I’d have to be making a lot more money then. 

I started taking my Wellbutrin and Vitamin D yesterday, as well as my Biotin and a multi-vitamin. I need to stop smoking weed everyday, and start making myself a cup of coffee when I get home from work so I can push through the rest of the day and get things done. 

I wanna start working hard. Doing something different. Highly beneficial. I want to start working my body; using it, sweating, making changes. I want to see changes. I’d like my stomach to be relatively flat and presentable before I’m 30. Most of my motivation is at night... when it’s bed time. I’m not interested in waking up early to work out, and I’m always tired when I get home from work. But I literally do nothing other than work. I just sit on my computer or phone and look at bullshit all day. I need something good, different. I wish that I had a personal trainer and a personal chef. 

I need to start blocking off time in my schedule to go these things, and regularly. The problem is sticking to it. I have a hard time continuously envisioning my dreams and aspirations. I need to do something to keep myself accountable.

I need to be making some more money. I need to start working on my Spanish again, so I can be more valuable. I just want to start making more money and start saving up, because I’m definitely going to be needing a new car. I need new clothes. I need to pay off medical bills. I need to pay off my loans and everything else. I wish I could just get paid to suck some dick, because I’m good at it, lol, but girl don’t need to be getting caught and going to jail. Maybe I can start selling my panties. I would need a scheme to do it locally, but anonymously.

I just want to not be huge and broke. I wanna look a little hot and have some money.

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I’m going to make this a little more real, and get a theme, or ya know, personalize it a lil.

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

My birthday was good! My brother showed up to brunch, which was really nice. He locked his keys in his car when he went to go get my present, though, which made me feel bad, because he had to pay whoever to come unlock it, and then he paid for both of our meals. He got me a t-shirt I had posted on facebook a while ago, and also 25 scratch off tickets. I won $68 from those. I think I am going to go redeem those and then go to Dreamers and maybe pick out a toy for myself. I’ve definitely been wanting the “Womanizer”, or as I’ve recently discovered, an equally good, but more affordable, and more appropriately named device called the Satisfyer, which they do have on their website, so hopefully they’ll have it at the store. I do want some nipple treats, but I think the only thing they will have that I might buy would be clamps. I really want to get some breast pumps… I know that may come off as perverse for wanting to use them sexually, but there isn’t anything like it that I’ve seen on the adult toy front. So, we’ll see what they’ve got. I might get myself another dong, or some other insertable contraption. I do need to go some minor grown-up things today, like clean my room, the litter box, bathroom, and need to tidy my car back up. I just cleaned it the other day, and had to transfer all my things in the trunk into the back seat to get to my battery to jump it, so it’s a mess again. I also need to get some drain cleaner for my sink and bath tub and have not been able to find it at Target or Walmart the last times I’ve been, so I may need to make a special stop to Lowe’s.  I also need to, while I’ve got the peace and time, sit down and make a weekly schedule to get on track with taking proper care of myself and working on being more active and regimented. But after I do my chores, I can play, and to me, that’s the best way to do it. But yeah, after brunch, Coleen and Chris and I went over to Lustre Pearl and hung out with the Facial Hair Club, and got free drinks and shots, got my face painted and a caricature done, and dunked someone in the dunk tank. Left right as it started to storm, got home in time to cook up some food and start the new Twin Peaks. I don’t know how to feel about it yet. There are a lot of interesting things, but there’s a lot of new material, and a lot of it is very drawn out and meticulous. Obviously still going to watch to see how it plays out, but the new episodes won’t be out for another 2 weeks. The new season of Orange is the New Black comes out a few days after that. I got a bunch of books to read the other day, so that can keep me busy in the meantime. I’m naked from the shower right now, in bed typing this, and now I just wanna stay here and read, and not go out. I could go out later, I guess. I just don’t want to go during rush hour. But, I guess I’m not going that far anyway, so I could just go whenever. Dreamers is open 24 hours anyway. I think Lowe’s is open late. So, I guess no rush. I’m off tomorrow too. 

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

It's my birthday. 25. I'm laying in bed. Need to be in the shower in 10 minutes to get ready to go to brunch. A few of my friends and my brother are coming. That's nice. Wanted to go to the pool after, but it's cloudy today. If it doesn't rain, we'll do mini golf, but it may be raining, so brunch may be all for today. I'm laying here and I think I just have to piss, but I feel like I need to touch myself. I know it's just my full bladder pressing against my g-spot. But. It's just a little reminder that I won't be getting any birthday sex. And I don't know how I feel about that. All my toys have been fired or floated away. Recently lost my fuck buddy and in trying to find a new one, I entertained some homeless misfit; besides feeling like I was lacking standard just to get fucked, he reminded me a lot of my ex, and I just can't do that again. Also in looking and feeling like he was my best option out of what was presented to me, I've lost interest in looking again. For the foreseeable future, I don't know when I'll be having sex next, and I'm just not sure how to feel about that. Ever since I've been sexually active, I don't think I've gone longer than a month without it. It's an important thing to me, but I'm just kinda done doing the things I've had to do to get it. Last year, my birthday was on a Saturday. I think I had Saturdays off then because it was the only day that my parents and I could get together to move my things out of my apartment. I spent the morning packing a u-haul. Then my parents left with it and I took a shower and a nap, having no hope for the day. When I woke up from my nap, my roommate suggested going to the bar next door, something we did any old night, so I wasn't too enthused about it, but I didn't have any other plans. A group of people made it out; not necessarily all my friends, but all people willing to celebrate my birthday and buy me free shots. In my drunkenness I texted my secret lover. Jon. A man I met six months prior with the prospect of sleeping with him and his girlfriend. His girlfriend backed out out of jealousy, but he and I had already met, had a great date, and were more than ready to be in bed with one another. So we slept together without her and without her knowing. I texted him stupidly, knowing he'd turn me down because he couldn't get away. But I dunno, maybe it was a birthday miracle. He said he'd be on his way; to meet me at my apartment in 45 minutes. I stumbled my way back to my apartment. I met him at my door, giggling through trying to find my key. I remember dropping to my knees and dumping my wallet out on the concrete, the metal of the key dinging on the ground. We got in, and I don't remember much but apologizing for my empty room and whether or not he wanted to fuck on the air mattress. I ended up on my knees, bent over with my red drooling face pressed into the carpet, him fucking me from behind and overhead. He had videoed it upside down on his phone. I was getting dizzy from the drinks, but had a good time. We finished earlier than usual, and cuddled on the mattress for a bit. I revealed to him that it was my birthday. I saw some kind of happiness shoot across his face, like maybe he was special to be with me on this night. I didn't feel that specialness, but I was glad to have gotten fucked. He had to go so his absence wouldn't be suspicious. Thankfully he left then because I got very ill and threw up for a couple hours after that. Was so hungover the next day, I had to call in to work. I'm spending my night most likely by myself, watching the new Twin Peaks with a tiny cherry pie, coffee, champagne and other snacks. I'm looking forward to that peace and self fulfillment. I don't know if I'll be disappointed tomorrow having not gotten any dick, but I think it'll be a good day no matter.

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

I need to start journalling again and jotting my thoughts down. I stopped because my parents invaded my privacy many a time when I was younger and read my journals, shaming me for what I thought and wrote down, so I stopped. But lately I've gotten complacent and have the urge to start something or create new goals, but my head's all backed up. There's no room to flesh out thoughts. I think I've gotten a little off track from my goals. Still need to be working on financial freedom and really need to be working on being more healthy, getting my body strong, fit, and realigned so I'm free from pain. Also I want to get hot while my hair grows lol. I need to sit down and work out a meal plan that fits with my budget and habits. I need to stop smoking weed so much; I feel like I have to smoke before I eat, and I always overeat, so I need to take a break. Maybe just do it 1-2 nights a week rather than every day. Need to practice swimming. I got my nose pierced last week, and I'm not supposed to submerge it, so I may need to find something else in the meantime, or modify my swimming. I really need to be working on strengthening my left glute and my abs. My car has been a hassle lately. It's illegal to drive right now; it can't pass inspection since the check engine light is on and my registration was due 2 months ago. I guess I'm finally going to take it on Wednesday for an estimate to fix it, but i highly doubt I'm actually going to get the repairs done. I'm saying I'll fix it if it's under $500, but I really don't have any money to fix it at all, and I just don't think it'd be worth it to do any repairs on it. On top​ of that, I know the brakes need to be done, and I think that would be close to $1000 and I don't think my car's even worth that now. So, I may just have to start riding the bus and save up money to put a down payment on a new car. I see a lot of benefits to riding the bus, like saving money, getting exercise (losing weight), maybe interacting with people I otherwise wouldn't have (like this cute guy who lives at my apartment that I see all the time walking home from the bus stop). It's just going to be brutal; it's already getting very hot out, so I know I'll be sweating my ass off (which means I'll need to be on top of my water game). I'd probably have to leave early so I can change into my clothes at work before my shift starts. It would make me start planning and prepping more; have more discipline, which is really what I need. I need to sit down and really devise a plan and prep myself for new habits.

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

I need, like, a new lease on life. Or maybe I’ve got it, or on the verge of it.

I’m scared. I’m officially moving back in with my parents in 3 days. I’m going to be driving back and forth to work and the commute is going to suck hard. Part of me wonders why I decided that when I originally was just going to quit and get a job out there, but there are reasons why, and hopefully everything will be fine. I really need to find something part time and start hustling. I’m tired of being fucking broke. I just want to pay off everything and never touch the damn credit cards again. They have ruined me. And the student loans. The whole fucking system is corrupt. Everyone just wants to take your money and push you in the dirt.

I just want to get this burden off me. Get my own place, have space, minimal things, only own what I really really like, instead of a lot of things I kind of like. 

But, like, I also want a new car, and I want to get braces, and hell, I’d love to get a nose job. I want to get laser hair removal. I’d like to go get my hair fucking cut and died. It looks like shit and I can’t afford to get it done. I’d like to be able to get a pedicure every once in a while, or buy some records. Buy a record player, geez. Buy a massage table so I can just work for myself.

I want to start doing crafts and selling them.

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

I finally got fucked in the ass. 

All during Doug and I’s relationship he would ask me to do anal, and I told him I literally, physically couldn’t because had anal fissures. I wanted to, but couldn’t.

I still have the fissures. They are chronic. I’ve realized I’ve had them for almost 10 years now. I don’t experience extreme pain with them like I used to, but they still bleed. 

Anyway... I’ve been more sexually open and exploratory and have been watching a lot of anal porn lately. Like, it’s pretty much all I watch now, and every time, I just want it so much. I want it too, ya know. And so, somewhere in my mind, I decided that I really wanted to do it. I would do whatever I needed to do to make it work. Plans included, working and masturbating anally myself, planning on drinking, getting high, or whatever when I want it to happen, applying my ointment to my fissures like I’m supposed to, things like that. 

Well, I haven’t really been doing the self care I planned on. I figured I’d still have more time to prep, such and such, excuses.

But when the desire calls and the opportunity presents itself... 

I went over to Doug’s last night, and we had smoked some, and I was drinking, and feeling pretty good. I asked him to rub my butt because it was kinda sore, so he was massaging it, and then we started having sex, and I’m getting really wet and everything. So wet, it’s going in my ass crack. At some point, I spread my cheek and rubbing on my ass hole and coaxing him, showing him, I wanted it. He started pressing in, and I kept thinking there was no way he was going to be able to get it in. But he did. I felt him push, and I was trying to relax, pushing back a little, and it popped in. It fucking hurt, with the fissures. It was a really intense pain, but he was gentle, and patient with me, and he was able to get all the way in. I was so surprised. It took a little work and wincing. We got the lube out and applied a lot and there were a few times he had to reenter, which was the worst of it. I was finally comfortable enough to have him really fuck me and it felt amazing. It felt so fucking good. Like, feeling his dick so tight up in me, was where it really felt good, it still was stinging and painful around my asshole, but inside, it felt great. I really wish I could’ve handled it longer so he could have came inside me. He probably would have if he wasn’t high. I came though. 

I know I don’t owe him anything, but I do personally feel like he should be the first one to do anal with me since I denied him of it for so long. And, I wouldn’t want to do it with some stranger. I really want to do it again, but I really need to work on healing those fissures so I can actually enjoy it. I’m glad, and really surprised it happened.

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

Feb/March 2016

I keep telling myself I’ve gotten into a bad plase, but in a lor of ways it doesn’t feel that way, and of course feeling like everything’s fine when it’s not worries me.

I don’t know what exactly has happened, but my mental health has declined in the past few weeks. I guess their’s been a few things going on, not sure if any of it has to do with it. I had been having a lot of anxiety about my job massaging and I freaked out last week and quit without notice, didn’t come in for my shift. I got a nexplanon put in. I’ve also been seeing this guy pretty regularly, but not in a dating way. We just smoke and fuck. He’s really not that cool or my type. So I’ve been smoking a lot more weed lately. Even though I’m not interested in this guy any more than what’s going on, like I’ve been enjoying my time with him, for the most part, up until now. 

I haven’t been talking to my ex or hanging with him for the past 3-4 months. We broke up over a year ago and I guess try to b efriends still but he essentially was still a ttoal dick and not worth hanging with anymore. I blocked his nmber so he couldnt’ contact me and distract me anymore. I started meeting other people that made me realize I could do a lot better even if it was only for a night… (will refer tback to this later). I stopped thinking about him, or when I would, there wasn’t really any emotion left attached. I started ot feel incredibly happy and even when I was just hangin by myself I felt fine for once. 

But the weather’s been really nice lately. Which is bad. I mean it’s been great but… I met Doug 4 years ago this month; actually, I just checked. It was 4 years ago today. The first few months we hung out a lot, went out to Barton Springs and hung out downton going to Book People, getting hamburgers, going to shows. The weather was warm and nice. I moved to Austin 2 months after I met him, and of course was with him all the time in the summer. Being here in this city when the weather is warm just makes me want him. That’s all I know any more. And it’s warm here often. It’s funny… I mean, not really, but the only time’s weve been apart were during the winter. So anyway, the weather had been cosiderably pleasant despite it being the middle of February. Wednesday I was off and I’ve been at hime doing nothing a lot. I wanted to get out and enjoy the weather… and who did I think it would be best o do that with> Of course. A few days prior I learned that when I had to switch my phone plan when I got my new phone at Christmas, his number became unblocked. I had texted him to test it, and he replied back… This was good and bad for me… So I hit him up on Wednesday mid-day not really expectin ghim to reply or even agree to anything, but he agreed to coming out with me to Zilker to enjoy the weather. WE took a nice walk along Barton Springs and then we went to this BBQ place to eat and hav ea couple beers. He paid for his half of th emeal which was nice and also unusual, but he also had a regular job the past couple months. HE drove us home since I was just a tad buzzed. He invited me back up to watch amovie with him and Bubba. Just like old times, we took a shower together, got in bed naked and fucked, and then yeah, put a movie on and cuddled. We both dozed off at points, and then woke up again, listened to music, ate some food, all that. It was good. Which again, is good and bad. I… was realy surpised we had sex, and three times, because when we were hanging out last year we stopped having sex, we stopped being atracted to one aother; he wouclnt even get it up anymore around me. But the other night… he asked me into bed and already had a raging boner. I dunno. I’m starting to get confusednow by all this.

NOw everything is just flooding back… I tried hanging with that other guy that I’d been sing Thursday ighta nd I just… couldn’t get arouse, I dindt want to e there, I wasn’t attracted to him anymore and all I could thinkg about was Doug. Like, this guy is nice, and he hooks me up with weed, and eats me out all the itme, like for a long time, and it’s pretty good, actually really good… but Doug is co much cuter, his place is cleaner, his dick is bigger and can actually keep it up. Thsi guy had some king of disfunction. His dick id fine when it’s hard, but like he wears a cock ring to keep it up, but that doesn’t really helo because I could often feel him getting soft inside me. Thursday night he took too much drugs (benzadrex>) and couldnt’ keep it up at all, he just tried smashing his limp dick against my pussy… irritating… and stupid.

And here’s going back to me saying that I’d met guys that werea lot better than him if only for a night. That’s the thing. Onl ofr a a night… Doug always wanted me. Always. and like, we would fuck all night, not just for an hour like these other guys. Like he loved me, the way I looked, truly and reallly wanted to fuck me… not just fucking me because they hadn’t had any in a while or whatever. Like, I’ve been with -seemingly- more quality men but hey don’t hang around . They’re flakey. Doug always wanted me and always was around.

He’s suddenly becoming this dream guy again… and back in the receses of my ming, I know that he’s flawed, incredbly, and I’d tire of his shita gain soon, and it’s abad idea, but… I just want him. It’s terrible, Its almost like I’m crushing on him just like I did when we first met. I can’t stop thinking about him. I want him a lot suddenly rigt now… I don’t know why because I’ve been perfecly fine witout him, and I know ti won’t end well. It never does. Like, one, he’s probably not into me really and doesn;t want to really ger into anything deep with me again, and although I kind of want that, I also don’t because it’ll just hurt worse when he disappoints me again and he will. He’ll go off and sleep with someone else, or at least be tlaking to other girls, like he always has. He’ll start trying to fuck me in my sleep, which irritates the fuck out of me (and he did when I stayed over the other night), listen to metal, siton tinychat and his forums while I’m trying to hang with him, stay up all night (which isn’t his fault) and keep me awake while he’s at it. 

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

April 17, 2016 probably

Shit feels fuckin’ weird right now.

I’m like sitting here, laying here, bored, for once in a while. My ex got tired of me, my fwb got tired of me, I got tired of my other friend. All I’ve got are a couple attached guys in love with my ass that come around every once in a while when they can slip out the door. No one’s hitting me up. Not like anyone really does anyway, but they really aren’t now.

Which, I guess is good. Since I’m moving. No goodbyes to be made or anything. It’s just a waiting game right now. Waiting for the rain to stop so I can go find some free moving boxes. Waiting on my deposit to come through the bank. Waiting on the water bill to come in so I can get my last money order for rent. Waiting for more to money to come in to hang onto for Psych Fest. Waiting on Psych Fest. Waiting on people getting back to me about job applications. Waiting on drug test results. Waiting to get the fuck out of here. But also still trying to hold on to what I’ve got… which is fucking nothing. I don’t have any money to go do anything. I don’t even have money to fucking eat. I keep telling myself, “Oh, you’ve still got that half a bag of frozen fried rice in the freezer. Eat that first before spending any money on other food.”

I don’t want to leave my job and I don’t want to leave Austin, but they just aren’t working for me right now. Shit’s gonna suck… Like, all I’m gonna be doing for six months is driving a lot, working, and being at home fucking bored. No internet. No cell service. Nothing close by. Not going to be trying to hook up with or date anyone out there. I guess I can start reading books and going for walks and shit. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time, and here I am wasting more of it. 

I fucking passed out at a show the other night. I went by myself, and brought some weed to smoke. Got way too high too fast with this new piece, fainted in the middle of the crowd. Embarrassed the hell out of myself. Scared me too. It was one of those moments where shit is surreal, and you ask yourself if you have a problem, and I don’t, it was just some kind of freak occurrence. Things are just so backwards and out of place. I feel like I’m inside out. I feel like maybe I should take a break though. Peace out for a sec. I dunno. I just wish all this would hurry up and be over with so I can get where I need to be. I just need my own place to live, so I can do whatever I want, and have some fucking peace. I don’t want to be drowning in debt anymore, starving trying to save my pennies to pay rent. 

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

Bands I’ve Seen Live

Vampire Weekend, Beach House, The Very Best | Palladium Ballroom, Dallas, TX | October 6, 2010

Girl Talk, Penguin Prison | Austin Music Hall, Austin, TX | January 14, 2011

Bon Iver, Kathleen Edwards | Long Center, Austin, TX | September 13, 2011

Empire of the Sun, Mayer Hawthorne and the County | Austin Music Hall, Austin, TX | September 17, 2011

Iron and Wine, Jim James | Stubb’s, Austin, TX | September 18, 2011

Neon Indian, Purity Ring | Granada Theater, Dallas, TX | March 13, 2012

Tennis, Vacationer | The Parish, Austin TX  | May 8, 2012

Ringo Deathstarr, The Duke Spirit, Rebecca Butler and the Richards | Frank, Austin TX | May 11, 2012

Best Coast, Lemuria, Laura Stevens and the Cans, Mind Spiders | Emo’s, Austin, TX | June 3, 2012

Ringo Deathstarr, Dead Mellotron, Gal Pals | Spider House Ballroom, Austin, TX | July 18, 2012

Run DMC, Girl Talk, Santigold, Real Estate, The Black Angels, Atlas Sound, Dum Dum Girls, Wavves, Municipal Waste +  | Fun Fun Fun Fest, Auditorium Shores, Austin, TX | November 2,3,4, 2012

Sphynx, Shardz, Matthew Squires and the Learning Disorders, MaryAnn & the Revival Band, Waldo and the Naturals, Crocodile | North Door, Austin, TX | January 18, 2013

Ringo Deathstarr, Boyfrndz, Tiger Waves, Obscured by Echos | Holy Mountain, Austin, TX | March 1, 2013

**SXSW 2013 Wavves, Bass Drum of Death Scoot Inn RAC

Bass Drum of Death, Warpaint, The Raveonettes | Austin Psych Fest 2013 (Volunteer), Carson Creek Ranch, Austin, TX | April 26, 2013

Dent May, Dead Gaze, Growl, Hola Beach | Red 7, Austin, TX | September 13, 2013

Colton Cerny & The Trespassers, Ali Holder, Fog & Bone | Scoot Inn, February 6, 2014

Com Truise, Phantoms, BoomBaptist | Red 7, Austin, TX | March 5, 2014

Tears for Fears, Carina Round | Austin Music Hall, Austin, TX | September 17, 2014

**Fun Fun Fun 2014

Ringo Deathstarr,  Coma in Algiers, James Arthur’s Manhunt, Popper Burns, Air Traffic Controlers | Cheer Up Charlie’s, Austin, TX | January 23, 2015

Nothing, Wrong | Red 7, Austin, TX | March 10, 2015

Holydrug Couple, Holy Wave, DIIV, Spiritualized, Tame Impala, Fever the Ghost, Night Beats, Mystic Braves, Primal Scream, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Mac DeMarco, Nothing | Levitation/Austin Psych Fest 2015, Carson Creek Ranch, Austin, TX | May  1, 2, 3, 2015

Ringo Deathstarr, Casual Strangers | Indian Roller, Austin, TX | August 15, 2015 

[athoughtsrecord-blog]

I posted in my high school class’s facebook group to see if anyone wanted these old stickers our school made. Of course, I start lurkin’ on people’s pages to see what their up to. I was looking at this girl who skipped a grade and got into ours. She dated this guy I had a crush on all of high school. They got married. Which is fine. I don’t care. I’m over it and she’s a really nice person. But I was looking at pictures of him, and realizing he looks a lot like my ex. Dark hair, big dark eyes, hispanic/white mixed. A lot of similar features. Hm.

I unfortunately also lurk on this forum site my ex writes on, and today he wrote in a forum about mother’s day, saying “ lol she can go fuck herself, my mom is alirght, but i didn't care to talk to her because mothers day is just like any other day, she was asleep anyways when i called her because she's an old woman, my daughters mom can go fuck herself as well, and so can my ex gf who last month claimed to be pregnant and how this was going to be a problem for me. (i called her on her bullshit, she's actually a member on this site "cheezburgerz" or something like that because she's a weirdo stalker. Luckily she ran out of money and is moving out of austin back to her parents house.” I texted him saying, “So you’re glad I’m leaving”. He replies, “Yep”. I say, “K” “It didn’t seem that way the other night when you were holding me and having sex with me and everything. But whatever. I guess I know where I stand now. I’ll leave you alone.” And he says, “K”. The other night we hung out, and we haven’t been seeing each other much lately. We had two bottles of sparkling wine, and I was a bit drunk, but I had a really good time with him for once, and felt more connected to him. I thought maybe something good was going to happen. He would cuddle me and kiss me on my cheek, and he petted my hair when I started crying about his cat Bubba, that died a few weeks ago. We slept until noon. He actually stayed in bed with me. He normally goes in the other room all night because he can’t sleep, and just gets on the computer. Things, just were different, and good. Yesterday, I had the urge to tell him I love him. I thought about it, told myself no, thought about it, thought about it, opened my phone, slowly typed it into our messages, poised to hit send, but didn’t. I didn’t want to send it and have him not respond, or tell me that he didn’t love me, or something to that effect. The thing is, is he doesn’t know I’ll be coming into town still for my job, so it’s not like I’m going to really be away. But it doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want me. I just thought it’d be fine to hang from time to time, but he doesn’t feel that way. I keep wondering if he’s being like this because maybe he’s a little upset I’m leaving and he’s handling it badly, but I actually think he really doesn’t care. I just find it surprising that he hasn’t posted any ads on craigslist since a couple days before I told him I was moving. I mean, I’m sure he’s getting laid another way, either that or he’s given up for a sec, which would be hard to believe. I asked him if he would like to go do stuff with me before I left, and he said sure, and got mad at me when I told him to forget about it because he wouldn’t request the days off work I suggested we go do stuff. I said, it’s apparent you’re not interested in hanging, because he’s so short with me when I try to talk to him, and we was like, no I am interested. Then he fucking texts me late that night or the next night telling me not to ever text him again, but then he just said he was upset about Bubba, and then we hung out the next night and everything was great. I don’t fucking get it. I hope we could get on some good level so that maybe I could spend the night with him sometimes so I wouldn’t have to drive back and forth from home, but now he doesn’t care to do anything with me. I really wanted to go to the movies with him in a couple of weeks before my birthday when we’re both off. I was going to ask him today if he wanted to, but then I read that post... I want to talk to him about all this, but it just doesn’t matter anymore. He doesn’t care. 

I just want this month to be over with. I want to get my stuff fucking moved out. I want to get to work and pay off my shit. I want to be able to get back here and get a place of my own. I just want things to work out and I want to feel secure. I feel like I’m kind of going to be homeless for a little bit. I mean I’m technically going to be staying with my parents, but I’m probably going to be staying overnight here, sleeping in my car, showering at work or at the YMCA. I’m planning on getting a membership to the Y, that way I can hang there, and work out, go swimming or whatever in my free time. I’ll probably hang at the library a little, maybe go to some museums or the park. It actually seems like a good thing, because I don’t even get out and do stuff like that anyway, and now I’ll be forced to. It’d be kind of cool to start getting fit, and losing weight, and looking cuter and fucking throwing it in his face. I’ve lost 30 pounds within the last year, most of it just in the past few months, half of it in the last month.