astrogremmin

[astrogremmin]

Things I'd love to say to my mother

If you had divorced that man-baby, there would've just been a line of step daddies to chose over your children. I'm not going to argue with a woman who chooses to get dick over caring for their kid. So just sit down.

[astrogremmin]

I did the hot cold thing with ty I did the hot cold thing with mk. I don't need to do a hot cold thing with a coworker with a boyfriend. So my therapist and I decided I'm just going to ignore it pretend it never happen and further flirting I shouldn't really mess with if she tries it. There's much more to it for me here but as far as she is considered literally I need to be practical. I've seen what it is already and I'm going to get hurt because I do have a crush. Protect myself. Getting sidetracked by pretty girls can be fun. But in this instance it is already painful. I'm almost as certain that she did 'fancy' me as I am certain that she will flirt again once she's brave enough. And now that I know it's true and the true circumstances I know what my reaction will be.

[astrogremmin]

I really do expect her to flirt with me again. And it's so fucking stupid. Hot and cold. Or she got nervous and over trumped me being a human being? And then she'll just come back when she decides she's not nervous anymore. And I definitely do not like that. I'm not something to be taken on and off a shelf.

Maybe I should try and tell myself that I just keep attracting the same type of woman. But the only message I am receiving is that all women are terrible and manipulative and selfish and I hate them and to stay away.

Which is what I've been doing but then she just came waltzing in.

Like they do.

And fuck with my head.

Can't a pretty girl come into my life, actually stay. And it not be confusing and painful

Oh and can she be actually single and not straight?

[astrogremmin]

Or maybe she really didn't like that I was a Sagittarius. I forgot about that part. She literally said we wouldn't work because I'm a Sagittarius and she's a Virgo. Or something. But still then..no need to ignore me..? Wth

[astrogremmin]

Maybe I should be flattered because she is so good looking. But all I can think about is how confused and hurt I feel. I fucking hate women I really really do

[astrogremmin]

If she didn't like what I said? I said don't you have a boyfriend as a response to her flirting with me. She answered with yes but we are non monogamous if that helps. Implying that what? It was okay to flirt? Or just an explanation of her behavior? If she felt called out..? She feels justified in what she's doing so why back down? Maybe she didn't expect me to be direct and it just ruined the vibe? But then..still treat me like a human? No need to ignore me..

The last interaction that didn't involve this was that they are changing my schedule and I wasn't happy about it. I was talking to someone else about it and then afterwards she came up to me and parroted the conversation asking me about things I told them. And the conversation was left as like starting in June I wasn't going to able to work that schedule. After that she asked no more further questions and I didn't talk to that other person more so as far as her knowledge goes yesterday was my last day on her schedule. She may never see me again as far as she knows. And she chose to ignore me.

She came up to me, asked me if I liked brownies. Said ya and she was saying that she was bringing brownies in on Thursday but then was like oh you aren't here on Thursdays and I was like oh your just going to have to make a special batch, jk jk. She was flirty like I just might make some for you special. Then the further flirting and ignoring ensued.

They say the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if that's true, I definitely felt it.

I definitely thought the whole situation and flirting was in my head and maybe she was friendly person. And if she was that friendly with anyone I wouldn't want to date her anyway. But this was not subtle this was in my personal space and followed up by yeah I have a boyfriend but it's okay that I'm flirting with you because we are non monogamous. Nothing to be confused. Definitely flirting.

[astrogremmin]

Like she didn't even give me a chance to respond at all if I was or not interested. She went straight to ignoring me after coming onto me. There was literally no further interaction and she immediately started ignoring me. I don't think I did anything wrong and I wasn't given an opportunity to even respond to the come on. And then she ignores me like I'm not even alive. I can't imagine a circumstance where someone has a crush on someone flirts with them, immediately changes their mind and then cold shoulders them. Why fucking flirt with me. I fucking hate women. That is so fucking annoying and unnecessary. Thank you universe for dangling a woman in front of my face only for her to be just another cunt.

[astrogremmin]

Ya so the girl I have a crush on at work. Was doing the dance. Then found out she had a boyfriend. Me back off. Her kept flirting with me. Winking and compliments. Then yesterday she complimented my tattoo, then she came up to me. Asked me when my birthday was. I said December, she asked december what. I said and she got so close to me dipped into my personal space and said so your a Capricorn? And I said no Sagittarius. She kinda looked at me I said what? She said well we would never work. looked me up and down and walked away laughing. Definitely flirting. No question. So I went up to her and said don't you have a boyfriend and she said yes but we are non monogamous if that helps. We didn't interact the rest of that day and today she avoided me like the plague. Like what?? I fucking hate women. I fucking hate how they feel it nessarsay to fuck with your head. First of all you have a boyfriend. Okay your poly. Got it. Hmmm.. then you want to ignore me all day? Then talk on the phone the whole second part of shift (which she has never done before) like wtf are you doing. Why go out of your way to flirt and why go out of your way to ignore me. Fuck offffff. I'm so annoyed, I'm so pissed. I shouldn't even be thinking about this or have any emotions but fucking women like to fuck with you all fucking day. I was really just trying to work and be friendly. I'm not going to flirt with someone else's boyfriend, so thanks for telling me your poly? But then wtf? You left me hanging. You changed your mind about flirting? All talk no show? I'm confused and annoyed and hurt. And I don't even want to be preoccupied by this..and then she's probably just gonna flirt with me next week and this matter will open back up. And of course I'm not not interested so I'll run with it and then I'm sure I'll be bewildered and hurt by something else the woman does. Women are no win situations. I fucking hate this. Want to be done with it but I'm not doing anything better and she is just so good looking. Shes younger than me so probably just nervous about it or something after the fact. Maybe not playing games but definitely playing games with my head.

[astrogremmin]

Yeah a guy can fuck away your nightmares, but it's nothing in comparison to a girl kissing her way into your daydreams.

#girlsareevilclones #jaded

[astrogremmin]

cont.

I also want to apologize for not listening to you and not being there for you. I think im a little more relaxed and open minded now but i do have a lot of strong opinions on pretty much everything. I know a lot of things i was saying and doing was just without a thought. Like the comment on the actresses weight and appearance. And i remember one time you told me you thought you were going crazy and i was just like 'no you aren't'.

Idk if its self absorption or just thoughtlessness but this is also a short coming id like to take responsibility and apologize for.

Maybe in our next life when we can try again i will have gone though therapy already when we meet. Give us a better starting point

p.s. the last thing of substance that I said to you that you had a reaction to was me saying to you something along the lines of: i won't bother you anymore, i thought you were someone else. I wanted to clarify this specific thing because It was something said to me and when It was said it stung. And thats why i said it to you. Im not sure what the person was actually trying to get at when they said it. But when I said it to you I really specifically meant it as the ty I thought i knew and loved, my person, would never hurt someone the way you did to me. It is very hard to hold the ty that i fell in love with and the ty that hurt me in the same hand. but you are the same person even now I'm sure. You like everyone else has many sides to them, like you said you aren't perfect. I know you truly loved me, I wasn't tricked, im not remembering wrong and I know you hurt me, im not remembering that wrong either and i know you are capable of this and of protecting yourself. I feel like my soul knows you deep down to the pits but I never knew you well enough as a person.

It was a full on life long pairing that started and ended in just a few weeks. I broke up with you the first time for a few different reasons. I wish I had just gone to work gone home and slept on it instead of breaking it off that morning. But we had agreed to break it off as soon as possible if there were doubts, so I did it like that. We shouldn't have gotten back together. Maybe it would have worked out if we decided to then date like 5 years later. Or maybe it would have ended some other way. But although we both wanted to spend more time together, I know I crushed your heart and I don't think the same You and I ever really existed again. I am still thankful for every moment i got to spend with you and I wish there could be more. But everything that came after was mostly confusing and painful among other things.. dating more...breaking up again..dating more..breaking up in a horrible way..seeing each other here and there in a confusing and painful way..the terrible and tear jerking ending?...and now this.

But I keep going back to the beginning. Yes I in every way felt the same you did, and Im so sorry you didn't hear it directly from me, Im sorry I didnt try harder and I am sorry I took so long to ask you out and to admit my feelings. You were a dream and knew I had to step it up to get you. I was coming from a fucked up and traumatic relationship and I know I didn't bring everything I had to the table for you. I don't know how I could have done things differently, I needed time and healing but meeting you was a gift.

So, yes I think I fucked up and messed up. And yes I know you did lots of things to hurt me both on purpose or not.

also wanted to apologize for my part in our after breakup nonsense. i was hurt and confused and lost my marbles. Im sorry for all the weird things i did and said to you. I could name them but maybe you don't know them all and i for sure don't remember most of my drunk ramblings, so ill just leave it at that.

I also want to apologize for not listening to you and not being there for you. I know a lot of things i was saying and doing was just without a thought. Like the comment on the actresses weight and appearance. And i remember one time you told me you thought you were going crazy and i was just like 'no you aren't'.

Idk if its self absorption or just thoughtlessness but this is also a short coming id like to take responsibility and apologize for.

I have so much to say but I really did mean to be succinct.so..idk. imma leave it for now (but fyi this was edited down)

My intention is not to keep writting "to you" but I will do so as long as it is pertinent. Im not going to edit my original message but i just have some other thoughts to get out.

Regarding the begginning of our relationship. I was saying that it became confusing and painful after our first breakup. but im realizing there was confusing stuff going on beforehand. I am a very romantic person and coming off the toxic relationship that i had just poured everything i had into, i really didn't have the right cards on the table to try and romance you like that. But it really was a battle for me. I could tell it wasn't just two people dating, it was a love story and I knew you felt similarly. But i was incredeibly insecure and didn't want to lose you. So when you told me stories about how other peoples romances towards you had been so cringe thats the last thing i wanted to be. you talked about someone writting a song for you and smeone getting a tattoo in your honor amongst other things and so i tried to play the part. No cheesey cringy romance because that would scare you away. So when I learned of how much of a lack of romance you felt in our relationship i wonder what could have been done differently. I didnt want to lose you or be too clingy or have you see me differently or scare you off. So i didn't try to be romantic, i just tried to keep you. When I learned how much of lack of romance you felt and that you thought i was automatically going to mess up valentines day and i wasnt going to make you feel special, it kinda broke my heart. I kinda felt like you and I's love story was above even romance and that was too cheesy for us. We didn't need gestures because we just knew. Or thats what i thought you wanted or needed. Im not blaming you for conflicting messages. Im just trying to unravel this a little more. What could have been. idk. its entirely possible that ive talked on this before and totally possible i misremeber stuff. idk idk.

[astrogremmin]

villainy wears many masks. none so dangerous as the mask of virtue

[astrogremmin]

Okay three things

Number one. I am dumb. I do dumb things. I was attacked by a goose and crashed my bike because he was being aggressive and then I was aggressive and then he flew at me and was surprisingly very huge and heavy. My knee is scraped

Number two. I am getting stretch marks on my inside of my arm/armpits. I think my arms have been bigger before but maybe my skin is less stretchy or maybe its my shoulder more that's bigger now??

And third I had to cut my hair again today and saw that where I had a white hair coming in on the side it looks as though there is more than one hair coming from that one spot and the actual spot on my head the scalp looks different. Makes me wonder more about the fact that my temples and sides of my head almost constantly hurt to touch.

[astrogremmin]

Coworker I used to be friends with. Had to install boundaries cause she's annoying and unstable and seeks revenge on a dime. Think I handled that well enough

Maybe I'm an ass for thinking I'm working duh is a funny lighthearted thing to say. But also she would always text me on Fridays, I would say I'm working. So she made the comment/joke at one point that she can never remember I work on Fridays which is what I was playing off..

After I saw her reply the only thing I thought was to end the Convo and deescalate. Not match her energy. Cause what I really wanted to say was 'you really don't have a sense of humor, do you?' 'take a fucking joke' 'wtf is your issue' 'i was obviously joking'

The last time I 'made her mad' (reacted negatively to her doing something illegal) she put my number on a dating site and had hundreds of thirsty dudes harass my phone.

This is very delicate situation and I want to pat myself on the back

#frienemies

[astrogremmin]

The greatest feeling in the world for me right now is getting a notification on my phone telling me the shift I signed up for is eligible for voluntary time off. Fuck ya! Happened again. I'm singing and dancing right now. I literally have the day off!! So freaking happy rn

[astrogremmin]

Wow work really fucking sucks today. Wish I was almost anywhere else

[astrogremmin]

Gives -you ruined it for the whole class- vibes

[astrogremmin]

Like what's up bro I don't have to work today do you have to work today oh that sucks I don't have to work today hahah