aspiringteawitch - Tumblr blog

aspiringteawitch · 8 days

Text

hello dark mode users :)

.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　　˚　　 . ✦ 　　　　.　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　ﾟ　　　　　.　　　　　　　•　　　　　　　　. 　 ,　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ .　　　•　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　• 　　　˚　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　☄　　 . 　　　　　　　　　. 　　. 　　　•　　　　 ✦ . 　.　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　 .　　　.　　　　　　　　　　.　　　ﾟ　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　　,　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　✦　　　　　.　　　　 . ☀️ 　　　　　　　　　•　　　　　　　　　 .　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　. • 　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　. . .

✦　　　　.　　　　　　 ✦　　　　　 .　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ . • .

　　　　　　　•　　　.　　　　　. 　 🌏　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ .　　　•　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　• 　　　˚　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　☄　　 . 　　　　　　. 　　　. 　　. 　　　•　　　　. . ✦ .　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　. 　　　　.　　　　　　　　.　　　 .　　　.　　　　　.　　　　　.　　　ﾟ　 . 　

　.　　　　　　. 　　　.　　　　　　.　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　.　　　　　　　.　　. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ .　　　•　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　• 　　　˚　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 .　　　　　　.　　☄　　 . •　　　　　　　　　 .　　　　.　　 . 　　　　　　　　.　　　　　. • 　　　　　　　　.　　. 　　　•　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　　　.　　　 .　　　🪐　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　.　　　 .　　　.　　　　　　　　　　.　　　ﾟ　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　　,　　　　　　　.　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　✦　　　　　. 　　　•　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　🌘 　　　.　　　　　　　　　.　　　 .　　　.　　　　.　　　　　　.　　　ﾟ　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　　,　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　　✦　　　　　✦ .　　　•　　　　　　　 ✦ 　　　　　• 　　　˚　　　　　　　　.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　☄　　 . •　　.　　　　　　　 .　　　　.　　　　.　　　　　　.　　　. 　　　✦　　　　　✦ .　　　•　　　　　　

🔭

327K notes · View notes

aspiringteawitch · 9 days

Text

@screenshotsofdespair are so fitting for these losers

198 notes · View notes

aspiringteawitch · 11 days

Text

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol* moon’s stuck in a time loop. do you have extra ammo? this won’t be enough. nasa employee: enough for…what? astronaut: *finding extra clip of ammo, pocketing it, and getting back on the rocket-ship* don’t worry about it!

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *emerging from supply closet with a space harpoon, getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: what? nasa employee: how did you know what i was going to say? astronaut: *punching in key pad code for base evacuation signal, getting back on the rocket-ship* i told you…moon’s stuck in a time loop. *red warning lights begin flashing*

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *rifling thru bookshelf of operating instructions, selecting one that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: moon’s stuck in a time loop. hey, do you have anything to eat? i’m starving. *opens random drawer, finds nothing, closes it* nasa employee: a time loo- uh, we don’t have food in here…we can’t…eat in the control room, only the break-room. astronaut: *sighs* nasa employee:…my lunch is in like 10 minutes, though, and if my lunch is actually STILL THERE and not STOLEN, AGAIN, i can share it with yo- astronaut: nah, that’s ok…no time. *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* or…too much time. but thanks, anyway. OK, bye! *alarm begins blaring* nasa employee: you’re…welcome? wait, a TIME LOOP?!

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: yup. nasa employee: …? astronaut: *sitting down next to nasa employee* so…do you ever like…wonder what the meaning of life is? the secrets of the universe? nasa employee: aren’t you supposed to be ON the MOON?! *alarm begins blaring* nasa employee: hey, what the hell is that? astronaut: that’s the code red override klaxon. moon’s stuck in a time loop. oh, and there’s an explosion imminent. But don’t worry, we can deal with that tomorrow. So, you have any siblings? *pulls beer out of space suit, cracks tab* want a drink?

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: do you know frank in IT? nasa employee: what? astronaut: do you know frank, who works in IT? nasa employee: yeah, but why are you guys back so early? astronaut: moon’s stuck in a time loop. call frank, tell him there’s a virus in the security patch and the system’s compromised. then get the hell out of the base. nasa employee: wait what? what? where are you guys going? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* back to the moon. it’s stuck in a time loop. call frank! nasa employee: *picks up phone* ugh, straight to voicemail. i wonder wha- *alarm begins blaring*

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: *grim silence* nasa employee: i said, you guys are back early…hey, what are you…? astronaut: *randomly opening drawers until they find a pair of scissors and some duct tape, getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. *sticks head back out the door of the rocket-ship* by the way, if you go to the break-room in exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds, you’ll catch the person who’s been stealing your lunches for the past two weeks. nasa employee: what?! WHO IS IT?! *alarm begins blaring* nasa employee: *running for the break-room* FUCK!!!!

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *sits down, sighs, pulls a beer out from their spacesuit* moon’s stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: …ok, and? hang on, how did you get a beer? you can’t have that in here. astronaut: what do you know about project floyd? nasa employee: I mean, the usual amount? i’m not really on the project anymore, why? *alarm begins blaring* astronaut: COME WITH ME TO THE ROCKET-SHIP, we don’t have ti-

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: yeah. moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. see you tomorrow. maybe. nasa employee: WHAT?!

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *sighs, rubs hands over face, and loads pistol, before getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. and, uh…you should call your mother like you’ve been meaning to. and tell her you’re not actually mad and that you will come to dinner tonight. you’re gonna be hungry. nasa employee: wait, what? WHAT?? how do you know my mom?! why am i gonna be - *alarm begins blaring*

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” starting to get back on the rocket-ship, but dropping everything with a horrendous clatter* FUCK! goddamn moon’s stuck in a time loop. *alarm begins blaring*

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what? also, hey, where’d you get that duffel bag? astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” shoving them into the bag, and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl- astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately* nasa employee: what? WHAT?! astronaut: *loading a single pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop, sweetheart. nasa employee: what?!? astronaut: a time loop!!! i love you!!! get out of the base!!! stay alive!!! nasa employee: *presses fingers to lips, confused but intrigued, as alarm begins blaring*

nasa employee:…. nasa employee:… nasa employee: ho hum what a regular day at the office *alarm begins blaring* nasa employee: what the hell is that?!

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl- astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately* nasa employee: what? what?! WHAT!?!? also, hey, where’d you get that duffel bag? astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” shoving them into the bag, then cupping nasa employee’s cheek with free hand* moon’s stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: the moon’s stuck in a what?! astronaut: a time loop, sweetheart, but we don’t have much time ourselves, so you have to listen to me RIGHT now nasa employee: *faintly* …“sweetheart”?! astronaut: in 2 minutes and a few seconds, you need to go into the break-room and find frank. nasa employee: wait, frank from IT? astronaut: yes. nasa employee: how do you know he’s gonna be in the break-room? i can’t just call him at his desk right now? astronaut: how do i know this?! because, one, time loop, ok? and…also…because…heismaybetheguywhohasbeenstealingyourlunchfortwoweeks nasa employee: that BASTARD i KNEW it astronaut: BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT’S IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. hey! listen to me! go in there, catch him red-handed with your burrito, and tell him lunch is on you FOREVER if he goes RIGHT NOW and checks the last security patch - because there’s a virus and the whole system’s compromised. then you need to get the hell out of this base, ok? nasa employee: …ok. ok. and…and what about you? astronaut: *cocking pistol and getting back into rocket-ship with duffel bag* me? i’m gonna shoot for the moon.

EPILOGUE:

nasa employee: so, how many loops in total? astronaut: i mean, it was hard to keep track. somewhere around six months, if i had to guess. nasa employee: damn. astronaut: yeah. nasa employee: and in those six MONTHS, the best zinger you came up with was “shoot for the moon”? astronaut: hey, you know what, i had some other stuff on my mind! nasa employee: i mean, i guess. it sounded like you found time to flirt with me each time. astronaut: yeah, like i said. other stuff on my mind. *they look at each other, blush, and look away* astronaut: sooooooo. you’re sure your mom is cool with me coming over for dinner? nasa employee: can’t make the day any weirder. plus, i owe you for ratting out frank, right? astronaut: he did help us save the world; we can’t be too mad at him. nasa employee: you’ve had a little while to get over it, i might need some more time. and it wasn’t even your food! astronaut: ok, that’s fair. what if i buy you lunch to make up for it? nasa employee: hmm, when? astronaut: tomorrow? nasa employee: well, i’ll have left overs from my mom, and you might too if you play your cards right. day after tomorrow? astronaut: honestly, anytime is good for me.

*FADE TO BLACK*

57K notes · View notes

aspiringteawitch · 16 days

Text

A young woman is walking outside ████████. It just so happens that today, the 3rd of March 2006, is this young woman's birthday. Though it was seventeen years ago she was given life, it is only today she will be given a name!

What will the name of this gothic young woman be?

> Enter Name.

22K notes · View notes

aspiringteawitch · 17 days

Text

i am about to bestow upon you the secret butter technique. i am sorry, but it is french. i am sorry again, this only works with cow butter. i am certain plant based butters wouldn’t work, and alternative animal butters may or may not work

has this ever been you: you have a nicely steamed vegetable, or maybe you want to make the best butter noodles, but you know that if you put butter on those it’ll just melt and you end with kind of greasy noodles or vegetables? don’t you wish it was instead a luscious buttery glaze?

introducing: beurre monté

you will take a small sauce pan, and begin heating it with 1-2 tablespoons of water (use very little water) and bring it to a hard simmer or boil

turn the heat down slightly, and add Butter. how much? however much you dare. (start with 3-4 tablespoons and go from there)

you are going to either whisk Aggressively or you can pick up the saucepan, still holding it over the heat, and swirl aggressively so the butter is skating around the sides of the pan

done correctly, you will have liquid butter that is still emulsified. you have made Butter Sauce. season it with a little salt, and toss whatever you want in it.

if you’re butter splits, i’m sorry. you didn’t agitate it enough to maintain the emulsion, and now you have melted butter.

you can use this knowledge to make other sauces by swapping out the water for another liquid. white wine becomes beurre blanc. red wine is beurre rogue.

you want to CUM? sweat minced shallot in a tiny bit of butter, add white wine and cook it out until it’s reduced by about half. then whisk butter in hard. a few flecks of minced thyme or fennel frond stirred thru, and you eat that with a nice seared fish? or scallop? or even shrimp? wow. you will Nut

your boxed mac and cheese game can also be elevated by cooking your pasta and making a beurre monté first, tossing your pasta in that and adding the cheese packet. wow. hey; you’ll cum

go forth now with this butter secret

39K notes · View notes