ashalaughs

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men's Tinder Profiles Part 14

Friends, it’s been a while but I’m feeling inspired. We could all use a laugh.

Blow me up with your stories, I will return the favour in a different way!: My stories are very violent

Hey, I’m [Name]. I like to stay active with home workouts and gym sessions: honestly, a level of laziness that I have to respect

I like it all and find it easy to get into conversation. Less politics the better though (mindfulness): is that what mindfulness is?

I must admit, I was born at an early age: yeah, we all were, man

I believe people take to many pictures of themselves, especially dudes. If you have more than 2 it’s too much. First should be DL and the last one: fellas, is it gay to gaze upon your own visage?  

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off: You cannot convince me that this is not what flat earthers believe

No I don’t eat chicken n rice. I only eat nachos tyvm!: So offended by the two most common foods in the world

No Low Vibrational Shit. Im impressed by almost nothing: I’m no vibrations expert, but surely never being impressed by anything isn’t the good vibes-producer you think it is?

If ur someone that wakes up in the morning and the 1st thing u do is eat food and then brush your teeth don’t match me plse: This totally mystifies me in a way I really love

I just discovered that I like sushi it’s ok if you don’t like it I will never ask you to go to the restaurant with me: will he just never go to a restaurant with me period or just that sushi restaurant in particular?

If you can climb me like a tree, then I will expose my flaws, and also…intelligence is a vivacious. Handle that, then we can get hands on…show me u can be a commander of chiefs: I have so many questions. Are the flaws a reward? A vivacious what? Which chiefs am I commanding?

Just a young 29 year old very energized young man Looking for a beautiful thick mature juicy cougar woman…I’m a young energizer bunny that goes deep for long hours: hey, do you think this guy is freaking out about turning 30?

Trust me I’m on job. I ain’t trying to blow my own trumpet but every time I meet up with someone, have sex, make love whatever they always say they can’t feel there legs I don’t get it is it a nervous system thing or something. Or maybe they’ve watched too much which chicks but anyways I’m apparently paralysing women: this just really cracks me up. No notes.

The current efforts are for the sake of not asking others for help in the future. Strength is the strongest foundation. Remember, life is not about winning sympathy through tears, but winning applause through sweat: I would argue that life is about neither of those things

Fat, lazy, nerdy, piece of garbage. Looking for will to live. I’ve been told I have a soothing aura: this can’t possibly be true

Sorry hoes u had ur chance but Ark Survival ascended is out its Game Time now: how ever will we comfort ourselves?

If swipe right = Okay with clothes ripped: inaccurate

Not interested in Norses, real estate agents, fitness sick girl’s, vegetarian, and women with children from different fathers: he wants to slut shame, but he also hates Vikings and people who want to sell him a house

I think the world of Canada. But Canada doesn’t provide women in return. Canada is a dishonourable citizenship: this man thought that he’d take his oath to the queen and then his nationally assigned wife would be like “let’s go”

Tired of endless swiping? Bored with ‘modern dating’? Sick of comparing and being compared? Fuck all that! Ler’s build a Sex temple, run by a robot mommy, that does all the boring decision making for us and leaves us to have fun. Like life is supposed to be, remember?: Dating apps are always a bit dystopian but this truly takes it to another, more terrifying level. Look, if I ever encounter an adult who wants a “robot mommy” in real life, I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.   

#tinder

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men’s Tinder Profiles Part 13

Tough times call for making fun of dudes on the internet. Transatlantic edition.

1. I drink a lot of pink lemonade and I don’t CARE who knows!: You do you, boo

2. I once accidentally stole a diamond, wanna know How?: Yes but not enough to talk to you

3. What kind of my type are you? The kind that starts riots, the kind that rides bikes irresponsibly, or the kind that want to escape into the woods and become a swamp witch?: Truly, a man of very specific tastes

4. Iam an uncomplicated person. I like to improvise and I like to know.: These seem like contradictory impulses.

5. I am a better cook than all aliens of the entire universe: A bold and totally unverifiable claim

6.  Aussie boy looking for a lovely local lass to teach me how to play the ugly stick: Is this…a euphemism?

7. Latino (original one, from Latin Europe :P): Who will explain to him that’s not what that means?

8. My dad always said “you want a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets!” However I just want a freak everywhere!: What a fascinating father son relationship

9. I always face others sincerely and give others a smile! The countries that impress me the most are Iraq and Afghanistan!: I guess I’m just really curious about what work “impress” is doing in this sentence

10. I bet I can cook better than you your mum and Nan combined I will prove it if you let me. I have made Mike Tyson milkshake and cookies at 1:45am: I’m impressed but also neither of those things require cooking

11. I like my women, like I like my sake: cool, unfiltered, and on someone else’s tab: I truly cannot parse this one

12. Low-key looking for my Lady Macbeth: who isn’t longing for the kind of spouse that pushes you to murder?

13. Looking for fellow LGBTQ mental health and human rights activist with 0% hypocrisy: I mean, good luck buddy.

14. ONS/FWB is fine. If you’re drunk, desperate, or don’t care. But no fucking Tory. Even miserable pricks like me have some standards: Had to include this one for being hilariously British

15. If you’ve read “The Art of Seduction” and “The Prophet” we’ll probably vibe: A truly wild combination of books

16. PS: I absolutely do not look like the The Tinder Swindler and I have no enemies: Convincing!

17. Bras are like best friends. They are close to the heart and always there for support. Be my bra.: Classic tinder: a laboured simile that suggests a strangely non-reciprocal relationship

18. It’s a race and I always finish first: Can’t say he didn’t warn you

19. Not into myth… NO Medusas plz: An unnecessarily grand way to say no uggos but okay

20. Roses are red, violets are blue / This brown man’s arrange marriage is due / If you can save me from it, I’ll cook curry for you: Please someone save the poor woman who is supposed to marry this fool

21. For girls trying to find a guy in his mid 30s on a dating app it really truly is shopping at the discount rack. The sweater looks great from a far however it has a hole in it or one arm is longer than the other. Now it’s a perfectly good sweater, however it’s up to you to deal with imperfections: Love a man who will compare himself to a shoddily made garment

22. Hate – Wheelie bin teeth (1 black 1 green 1 f**g missing): Is this a thing you encounter regularly?

23. Already in love w another woman but need sex and intimacy from someone else before she falls in love with me too: This does not contain nearly enough information and also sounds like the plot of a terrible movie

24. There must be male models on this app because nobody matches with me and my mom says I’m pretty handsome. This is bs. Not vaccinated and never will be: Yes, male models are the only possible explanation for this mystery

25. I’m challenging, confident, stubborn, carry ½ the empathy I should, driven to always be trying or doing new things, exercise in someway three times a week, and eager to find similar: If you know any cold-hearted fitness girl bosses, hit this guy up

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men’s Tinder Profiles Part 12

1.      Someone with the most mannerism in the world: What could this possibly mean? Does this person gesticulate wildly or make late Renaissance art?

2.      Yee-haws will yee-yee But Yee-yee won’t yee-haw: This is either incredibly deep or incredibly dumb

3.      I wish you ladies thought I was as attractive as my buddies do: I’m glad you have a good support system

4.      If you’re a horse girl you legally have to tell me or it’s entrapment: Not gonna lie, this one made me LOL

5.      Bio major at SMU 4.25 gpa: PSA – do not include your gpa in your dating profile. It is weird.

6.      I am from Far East with ninja samurai gentle spirit person: I mean, I don’t know that you can be all of these things at once

7.      I’m from India. My skin color is brown which I think is best of both worlds.: Which worlds?

8.      You get bonus points if you are willing to damage my car. Anyways this is me.: I have so many question! Also I’m worried I’m being asked to participate in an insurance scam.

9.      Now I’ll be flat out honest…I’m a different breed from the generation, I enjoy quality time outside and in!: This is low on the list because it might be a joke but know that this is truly the most generic thing possible to write in a dating profile.

10.   I just got out of a 10 plus year relationship with a serial cheater…: That’s rough buddy but also that ellipses makes it seem like I should know what to do with this information?

11.   Getting head while standing on my stilts in our living room that I built us is the ultimate goal here: I guess everyone needs something to aspire to

12.   Gypsy at heart. Heart of a wolf. Of gold: I am confident that you are neither Roma nor a golden wolf at heart.

13.   In the words of Helen Gurley, My own philosophy is if you’re not having sex, you’re finished. It separates the girls from the old people: This is not convincing, but I do find the last sentence very hilarious

14.   Do girls still like flowers or y’all just like drugs now..: Ah yes, two totally equivalent kinds of interest

15.   Strive to make every day joyful and meaningful,n ot for others,but for myself: we stan an honestly selfish king

16.   Low-key looking for my Lady Macbeth: that rare man who really wants a woman who will push him to murder

17.   I m not a gud boy but I hv a world’s sweetest person: Are you offering me your hostage?

18.   I don’t have a Tan, I’m just really dirty all the time: Ew

19.   Don’t buy colgate whitening toothpaste It says guaranteed whitening in 2 weeks, It’s been 2 weeks and I am still Brown af: Maybe don’t launch directly into your awkward relationship with your ethnicity in your dating profile?

20.   When I get to feel comfortable with you I can be the best man you’ve ever seen and that’s a promise if not oh well I’m sorry but let’s meet up: What a short lived promise

21.   Here to measure the thrust of a perpendicular rod in a naturally pressurised fluid system: This is why we can’t trust engineers

22.   Noo expectations here I just hate smoking joints alone driving alone do ya know how hard it is to roll a joint or dab well you drive?: Literally no one should know how hard that is

23.   Why is it so much harder for men to have a convo for 3rd to join for fun then women do you guys just feel more comfortable talking to the women first or what is it help me out with this lol: You have already figured out the answer and it’s a super obvious one so…

24.   HEY icebreaker: when the murders finally start will you be chopping into 12 equal pieces by dimension or weight?: What do you mean when?!

25.   So conservative you probably think I’m a terrorist: If you are self-aware enough to know that, why be that person?

#tinder #annotatedtinder

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men’s Tinder Profiles part 11

1.       My sense of humor is like 90% cocoa Ghiradelli chocolate: For the life of me, I cannot track this metaphor

 2.       Change bios like I change drawls: I know this is a typo but I love this idea that this guy is constantly changing up his accent.

 3.       Dance with girls. Wrestle with guys.: Is this a demand? A suggestion? A description?

 4.       Two legs two arms. Proportional.: This is…not a very informative profile.

 5.       Full name: Shelz.: It is not, you liar.

 6.       I ain’t cute but I’m not ugly either. Idk what I am. I’m funny though…and I got $40.:…Congratulations?

 7.       All you women are out of my league so I’m banking on an injury so I can be called up.: In this scenario, who has to get injured? Me or, like, a bunch of dudes?

 8.       Me, a rabbit, and a panda: cuddle one, hug one, kiss one?: This is an unbearably cutesy question. Anyway, lemme kiss that panda.

 9.       Snap: justaslave4u add me it’s a stupid username I know but it’s a reference to my past, feel free to ask: 1) You know you can change usernames, right? 2) were you previously Britney Spears?

 10.   Type of guy to ask if you believe in angels then wink then ride off on my skateboard before you can even blink kind of guy that make you wanna think: Is this a genre of man I’m supposed to be aware of?

11.   Ps. Im not actually that old I say im 22 but im really 25.: If that confuses you, wait til you find out this guy’s profile says that he’s 33.

 12.   I Love to spend time with someone is alone.: I gotta say, this sends some mixed messages.

 13.   Looking for fun been in jail for 3 years: I’m not saying people who’ve been to jail shouldn’t date, but this is precisely the worst quantity of information to include

 14.   I don’t smoke, if u smoke be ready to teach me how to smoke coz I won’t let my wife die of cancer & make me a widower;we die 2gether: Demonstrating morbid sweetness and also a fundamental misunderstanding of how bodies work

 15.   I’m good at shots – vodka shots, back shots, photoshoots: You tried, I guess

 16.   Cons: If you disapprove I’ll still give you a nickname: What a strangely aggressive claim

 17.   Also I’m a registered flex offender: Gross!

 18.   What’s the most confusing day of the year?...............Father’s Day! Lmao. Smh. Bad joke!: Damn, this one is dark.

 19.   Not a fan of the world, it needs help. I hate society but unfortunately I’m tied to it and can’t leave.: Look, I’m not saying we don’t all feel this way sometimes, but this does make you sound like you are eventually going to invite me to join a doomsday cult.

 20.   I used to have trouble looking in the mirror when I woke up in the morning. Then all the mirrors started breaking when I looked at them, now life’s a lot easier.: What kind of Disney movie curse situation are you working with here, dude?

 21.   Searching hard for my tinderella to wreck her life…I’m a covid cop at the ski hill so I can only love u from 6 week away: Honestly that sounds like an agreeable distance.

 22.   Looking for someone easy to get along with, or hard to kill: If you are planning some kind of Mr. and Mrs. Smith situation, I really have to pass.

 23.   Super damaged And DESPISE online for 100 reasons But A good 420 buddy free on me and maybe part time roomie: I can’t tell if he’s offering to let someone move in with him or asking to move in with someone, but either way that’s a yikes from me, dawg.

 24.   I can’t thrive without a healthy dose of toxic chaos: Honesty is great but so is therapy

 25.   And I swear I can give you pain then you ever had: I mean, you don’t have to swear that? I would in fact prefer not?

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men’s Tinder Profiles Part 10

I mean, why not? As always, the entries are loosely ranked from mildly confusing to “I’m so sorry to expose you to this but it must be done.”

1. Main hobby is Arm Wrestling.: This is an outstanding main hobby

2. Sucker for a long sleeve shirt with a turtleneck, tucked into jeans: What a hilariously specific look to be into

3. Looking for a back scratcher. Must have you know what they say, scratch a man’s back and he’ll purr like a walrus: Oh yes that saying we are all familiar with

4. Favourite meal: negative reinforcement: Delicious.

5. Just a Beast looking for his Belle: You better have an amazing library

6. Rainbow / Unicorns / Dragons / Cheesecake / Ice cream / Come play: what a wild list

7. Climbed the corporate ladder wayyy to fast. So the only way to go is down.. and I love going down: This is a very laboured double entendre

8. You don’t have to worry about my parents judging you because the past away: Oh boy I was not worried about that, but this is very sad information to include in a profile

9. I got ran over by a truck but lord knows I’m still gonna send it: This raises so many questions

10. Yes, I don’t smile in pictures but neither did Cary Grant: But you, my friend, are not Cary Grant

11. Well if I say something about myself I wont sound any different than all other guys who trying to impress you: Ah, but if you say nothing about yourself you also won’t impress me

12. Looking for a cheeky metal monkey to jump on the water bed with. Or a fiery dragon with whom to roam the earth. No metaphors.: Keep your interspecies desires to yourself, good sir

13. I am very woke, Ive channeled my dead grandfather and experienced astrial projection preferably a woke woman or one who wants to learn xox: What a very interesting definition of woke

14. Swipe right if you don’t think foot massages mean something: This guy must be really good at foot massages I guess

15. Shamanic…being?: Let me know when you figure it out

16. I enjoy being creative…particularly writing. I am currently writing a book called “The World Through a Spinozian Lens: A Rationalist’s Appeal to Emotion.” It is going to be the subject of my Doctoral thesis. I’ve also applied to CBU! I’m going for an undergrad in philosophy and being in the fall.: Maybe this hits too close to home because a dude who claims to be writing his dissertation before he’s started his undergrad is a bigtime nope from me, dawg

17. Person who texts second will pay the bill: PSA: quibbling about who pays for dinner before you’ve even exchanged a message with someone is not a good look

18. 5’9 underweight.. Don’t smoke, don’t drink. Probably be dead ina few years.: There has to be some information missing here

19. Picture above isn’t me, for personal reasons I’m not at liberty to share one: This is a fancy way to say “I’m married”

20. In open relationship or break up looking for friends and see how things go: These are two very different situations though…

21. If you don’t chew Big Red then Fuck you: This one makes me laugh so much

22. Gotta have some nice jordans, nice chain and a nice car…im only missing you: Good to know I’m on par with your very favourite consumer goods

23. My dog told me to put put what snacks we have. He later told me that’s a secret he’d rather keep that a secret between us: This is meant to be cute but comes across a bit unhinged, right?

24. So let’s be honest here, you’re not special and I’m not special either. I mean, fuck, we ended up on tinder…We’re lame, so welcome to lame town.: I almost want to give this guy a hug, but I definitely don’t want to date him

25. I’m literally just here to talk shit I’m too cute for tinder: This can’t possibly be true

26. I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and im just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate: The problem with these sorts of “joke” profiles is that they are almost certainly truthful

27. Did you know that Ted Bundy’s first dog a collie was named Lassie?: Ah yes, serial killer facts: the number one way to make women feel safe

28. They say women are not able to pair bond after being banged out by a few partners: This is very ill-conceived strategy for getting women to sleep with you

29. Oh..and I’m not about the whole covid crap either. Never did believe it and never will: You don’t have to believe in it; it believes in you

30. Looking for somebody to go down on me on command. Will return the favour if you’re tidy.: An offer literally everyone can refuse.

#tinder

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men’s Tinder Profiles part 9

Well friends, I figured we could all use a little joy during this bizarre time. So here we are, the next installment of annotated tinder. As always, ranked from mildly confusing to capital YIKES.

I am a person with certain capacities or attributes such as reason, morality, consciousness or self-consciousness, and being a part of a culturally established form of social relations. I love to get to know people.: Definitely not the profile of an alien sent to earth to study the human race.

Want buy an omlette for five dollars?: Not gonna lie, reading this one made me laugh out loud.

A Mercedes in the streets but a Jeep in the bed.: Can a car person explain this one to me?

Congratulations you stumbled across my profile which means you have excellent taste and you’re going to meet your future husband, but it won’t be me, why because I’m the one before the one. We’ll exchange some texts and go on a few great dates and then Bam you’ll meet your future husband.: This is the profile equivalent of a chain letter, right?

Be the GOAT or live like a goat: I mean, goats have pretty good lives.  

If you read this far please don’t hesitate to say hi. Some of the greatest achievements in human history might not have been done if those who endeavoured just shrugged and moved on with Thier lives: I love that this guy is comparing swiping right on him with the, like, discovering insulin.  

Don’t make fun of my distinguished way of walking. I can’t help that! I too have been shamed for walking to much like a fancy gentleman.

Well I could bedazzle you with how amazing I am. But would you believe it??: Believe that you’ve used an ‘80s novelty toy to cover me in rhinestones?  

I play guitar and ukelele (and I might use it on one of our dates): Is that a threat?

If you don’t love a dog back, it wont burn you in hell!: That’s...not something I was worried about?

Smoke weed so I don’t cry.: Get 👏some 👏therapy👏

If I like you. You have to follow my policy.: I’m gonna need some details here, chief.  

“Trump got a pet dog, guess what is it called?” Trumpet.: This is such a mind-boggingly incompetent joke.  

If we happen to match and you have a cat picture then you have a great ass or boobs or both, I mean smile!: We’ve got a wit on our hands, ladies and gentlemen.  

Looking to try being a fuckboy for a while.: Admirably honest if almost certainly ineffective.

Trust is a two-way street, and I ride the subway.: I just can’t parse this metaphor. You are below trust? You only go one way at a time?

My friends call me Rimjob for obvious reasons.: What are those friendships like even?

I’m open to dating and making friends but one day find the one. She who sends shockwaves and soul. Explores my temptations and traces my constellations. Reminding me of the star I’ve always been.: Was “in search of manic pixie dream girl” too succinct for you?

Tinder. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany. We must be cautious.: Cool, yeah, very chill.  

I’m somewhere between too ugly to date and just hot enough to fuck.: Uh, yikes.  

You can be a honkey. And still be hung like a donkey.: Defending his people through the time honoured practice of poetry.  

I’m 6’4 and I like to lift weights drunk. My skull has a colossal 24” circumference at the browridge. You wish to have sex with me indeed.: Clearly this guy is joking but in a way that makes him seem like an old timey eugenicist?  

Unionists swipe left: This guy does not want to unite with any of the workers of the world and that is his loss.

My beliefs are of my own construct; There is no good or evil. Only one thing to abide by which is to die naturally. I guess it is good to have manageable goals.  

I’m an aspiring white person who dabbles I’m being a foody: File that under saddest profile I’ve read in a good while, please.

I do amateur standup comedy. Just looking to talk about it and maybe get a handjob. Literally, a nightmare.

I just know it straight - the reason of joining Tinder is to keep myself warm by giving maximum pleasure to the hole I will be serving.: What an unnecessarily gross way to phrase that.

F**k it. Being polite and honest only has prostitutes/escorts matching me. Time to be an a**hole.: Somehow I don’t think your politeness (your genteel self-censorship notwithstanding) is the thing that’s holding you back, my dude.

Where have all the woman gone that just wanna suck dick and call it a night?: To a dinner party with the Loch Ness monster and Big Foot.

Finally, this is a long one but it was too wild to pass up: I’ve kissed Lust’s forbidden lips and got drunk with the fountain of youth...I shall show you many things. And once you do, you’ll come to me, again and again. Whether you go right or wrong is of no consequence; I’m here for those that crave what lies beyond the cave of illusions. Who else deserves to have her legs tremble while her eyes fade into white?: Truly, the “grandiose yet douchey” genre is as popular as ever. Somehow I can’t imagine that Plato would appreciate you claiming you can sex people into enlightenment.

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men’s Tinder Profiles Part 8

You know the drill: Men’s profiles, from the mildly confusing to the deeply unsettling. Let’s do this.

I’ve gone by many names Mogli, Lil-k, Ghetto-K, Shark Bite, Legend, Walrus & the list continues: Do go on

Looking for my partner in crime. The Juliet to my Romeo, the robin to my batman, the Giselle to my tom brady, the mac to my cheese, the tequila to my lime: I love how wildly unalike all of these relationships are

Eat ass. Smoke grass. And sled fast: The true makings of a winter wonderland

I’m older then 28, but because I am 5’8 I will remain 28 my whole life: A compelling claim

Sorry I can’t do the splits or lick my eyebrows in case you were wondering: I wasn’t, but nevertheless you have disappointed me

Did you know that pregnancy rates go way up during a black out?: No, but I am nervous as to why you’re mentioning it

Let’s just join the PornHub Community and/or backpack the world: Can’t fault this guy’s flexibility

You’re a Canary, I’m a Coal Mine: I let people know when you’re losing oxygen or filling with poisonous gas?

Afrocentric, yet open minded guy, who has a true sense of self; which means I’m comfortable in my blackness, but my name isn’t Tyrone: Is that what it means?

I m good soldier for strangers: Is this a positive characteristic? Shouldn’t you at least wait until you’re acquaintances to be a soldier for someone?

I turned a hoe into a housewife for 3 years: Intriguing first line for a short story; not a great tinder profile

Lucifer is not my name but I am evil: Cool, thanks for clearing that up

Let’s crawl pubs and taste different cuisines, where I can easily outplay you: This is a classic example of the profile type “be weirdly competitive about a thing that is objectively not a competition”

I don’t want to die alone. I want to die with you!!: Definitely not a guy looking to enter a suicide pact

I have a very hard time fitting into this world. I feel everyone only knows how to give and take: The great tragedy of our age

If you wear flats to our date, I’ll have to assume you hate me: Oh, you can assume that without the date

Ask me about libertarian socialism, heckin’ do it: I most certainly will not

**Me** always in a good mood, funny and calm. I do not like problems or discussions: There is no way this guy has any of those positive qualities if he, as a rule, does not like discussions

Barns/backwoods/bonfires/marijuana over Bars/sluts/intoxication charges/drunk tank/hangovers: I can see the rationale for barns over bars (although I profoundly disagree), but in what context is someone deciding between the concept of the backwoods and sluts?

Looking for a female mentor that is an entrepreneur that I can help with marketing and branding: Someone got lost on their way to linkedin

Let’s face it, if you’ve gotten to me your pretty much at the bottom of the barrel. Might aswell swipe right: This is…not how tinder works.

One time my Ken doll was banging Barbie so hard that his leg broke off. It was a great moment in my childhood: This is just begging for psychoanalysis

You’ll have my friends hating you, while you control every aspect of my life: Hard pass

My friends might hate you, when you control my bank account!!: This is similar to the last one while being even more baffling. Are you currently bankrolling your friends’ lives? Why am I controlling your bank account? Why do men think women want to be hated by their boyfriends’ friends?

I never seen Superman cook, clean, do laundry, wash a car, do I have to go on?? Please humble yourself on tinder!: But you, my guy, are emphatically not Superman

Swipe right to know what’s it like to date your professor, swipe left if what I said offended you: Done and done, ya creep.

****I AM THE SAVIOR OF ALL SOULS. I USE THIS MIRROR TO POWER MY ENORMOUS. EGO AFTER I HAVE BEEN BUTTHURT SO I MAY BE SEATED. FOR I AM THE ULTIMATE GOD FORM INTERNET WARRIOR AND I DARE THEE TO CHALLENGE MY DOMINANCE ALL FEMALES WHO MATCH MY DOMINANCE WILL BE WORTHY BREEDING MATERIAL****: This is not a great prize.

I will bring sanity to the party, and maybe some salsa dip. I will impress your friends by fixing something. I will make you and your friends laugh at someone else’s expense. I will let you know when the party is over, and take you home. You will dislike that you can’t tell if I am having fun at first. In time it will grow on you. In a years time, you will wonder what you were doing with other men. When I hold your hand, you will feel special, and smile. When I compliment you, its genuine: This is the most quietly sinister profile I have ever read.

#tinder

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Quotations From Men's Tinder Profiles Part 7

Well friends, my phone seems to suggest that I have too many screenshots saved so I guess now is a good time to do another list. So, you know, dudes on tinder, being as wild as they wanna be. Here we go!

“Just love the cucumbers. Best things in this universe. I also love the zucchinis though not as much as the cucumbers. I also like the watermelons, they are a little like the cucumbers but with more sugar and more grainy. In my free time, you might catch me drinking water, eating the cucumbers from my garden or eating the zucchinis if I don’t have no cucumbers left.”: Is this…metaphorical? Or just a person who is bizarrely passionate about phallic fruits that we often categorize as vegetables?

“I’m new to everything!”:– Is this an alien? A baby? Who can say?

“Fav food: milksteak / Fav hobbies: magnets / Likes: ghouls / Dislikes: people’s knees / No Jessicas” : a man of strong and wild taste

“My mom’s black and my dad’s a newf so yeah I believe in miracles”:– This guy has a real low bar for the miraculous

“So I’m tired of letting the wrong people read my open book. They get past the cover and get to like chapter 3 and then decide the storyline isn’t for them rn… Spoiler alert, I don’t want to be alone at the end of the book, if u can’t read between the lines after a few paragraphs and realize I’m not just in this for a chapter or two then please stick to magazines or comic books. I’m a mf novel and I promise you wont be able to put me down.” : My man really commits to a metaphor

“CONS: I’ve had dreadlocks three separate times”: I respect this white dude’s honesty

“call me the fun police will make you laugh and smile your whole time we hangout”: who will tell this young man what “the fun police” actually means? I mean, clearly not me

“basically just looking for a cutie with a booty to sit on my face..and a plus one to my brothers wedding”: get you a girl who can do both, I guess

“I am an easygoing person. Am looking for a good woman who has nice feelings. WILL YOU MARRY ME?”: Checks out

“They Don’t Love You Untel Ur Died…R3el Talk”: How inconvenient

“every 5 years I transform into a catapillar..whts ur heritage (fist emoji) sopposely I can be a loose 777 canon…..theb we will find roles in life that we get true inspiring our centipede to motive our creator”: the dangers of writing your tinder profile while on acid

“Some walls in my house are just white because I’m waiting you to put colour in my life”: I’m not falling for this trick again. Just hiring someone, my guy

“I don’t massage frist”: Frist is disappointed but unsurprised

“Once you go Asian, you ain’t no caucAsian. Once you go yellow, ‘HELLO!’”: Neither of these catch phrases manage to make any sense but uh good try?

“I accept the fact that I have been in 6 relationships before. But I could not love anyone.”: Cool cool cool, very chill

“Dad to an 8 year old turd. He said he’s not getting a girlfriend until I do.”: That poor child

“Money is the motive so swipe right ONLY IF your down to hustle and secure a bag with a boss (devil emoji)”: What kind of money-making venture are we immediately embarking on once we start dating? I’ve seen Bonnie and Clyde and that did not work out

“I try to take larger then life ideas and put em in a short punch line or catch phrases.”: Ah, I see you’re perfectly calibrated for me to dislike you then

“Hey goalie chick ill go 5 hole on ya”: A truly Canadian brand of crass

“An Proud Alpha Male Dominating Romantic Aggressive Patient Man With An Huge ?”: I’m really curious about this huge question he has

“There are no girls on the Internet. On the Internet, all men are men, all girls are men, and all children are the FBI.”: Good thing you are trying to talk to children on the internet, then…right?

“My buddies and I are looking to see who’s the best at fingering. Need volunteers and test subjects”: Truly, a group of dudes who have never encountered a human woman

“You got a nice turd cutter on ya? Hmu.”: This guy is specifically interested in the quality of your anus.

“Swipe right to get the whiny feminist fucked out of you.”: I can only imagine that no one actually swipes right and thus no one has forced him to realize that he is incapable of following through on this promise

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men’s Tinder Profiles part 6

This is the first Halifax based edition. An observation: there are remarkably fewer fishing pictures in a place where people actually might fish regularly. Anyway, guys are still ridiculous so here we go!

1. Bum touching is always encouraged: Good to know

2. Looking for my mix of Shania Twain and Nina Simone: This is an ambitious but also hard to picture combination

3. Beaver Drilling LTD is a real! Company Google it lol: When your workplace’s name seems like a dirty joke, what’s a dude to do?

4. Space provided is too short for me to say my *stuffs*!!!!: Always enough space for an excess of exclamation points, though. 

5. Think this app day would help me found a girl but it’s suck peace: I hear you, my dude. 

6. loves nudie magazine day: Is there a holiday celebrating nudie magazines I don’t know about? What is the deal, Nova Scotia?

7. I am he who has been prescribed for you by your dr…!: I like how this guy blends his taste for grand sounding sentence structure with being too lazy to write out the word doctor.

8. I don’t know where sex is but I can help you find it.: ...Thanks?

9. Looking to meet new sane people, a lil crazy is ok and see where it goes! Maybe we can play titanic too lol: He’s obviously not that invested in sanity. Also, I’m worried about what playing titanic is a euphemism for. 

10. I’m Polish. That’s all you need to know for now.: That’s right, ladies, I define myself wholly based on unspecified national stereotypes. Don’t all swoon at once, now. 

11. Married and into ethical non monogamy with my wife yet monigomish with my girlfriend. It’s a complicated fascinating situation that I love talking about.:  I bet you do, buddy. I bet you do. 

12. Clownworld sucks (we all live in Clownworld) – but maybe it would be less lousy together: Hit this guy up if you want to date Eyeore if he spent too much time on the internet.

13. Insert a clever statement with enough sarcasm to demonstrate intelligent humour but not cross the line to asshole level.: You think this thing is doing that thing, but it is not.  

14. If you don’t like beer pong I don’t like you / Just trying hard to act my age: Please note that this man’s age is 28. 

15. Roses are (red balloon emoji) / Violets are fine / You be the 6 / I’ll be the 9: Ah, poetry. 

16. Attention is fun, nothing like media of the social variety! Yay x 10 = me! Let’s chat, funsies for sure!: Yes, this was written by an actual adult man. That math does not check out.

17. If you knew me…You’d never swipe right :): Luckily, the results are the same even without knowing you :)

18. Need someone to accompany me ‘Europe’ this summer. I can buy you this trip / and / I’m not asking you for a sugar daddy deal. Looking for a loyal companion.: The Europe in quotation marks situation and the use of loyal companion to describe not-a-dog does not bode well.  

19. life is unfair deal with it / Always act like you’re wearing an invisible crown: These two pieces of advice seem contradictory and also deeply pointless.

20. I’m looking just for a hookup …. nothing else / We can have lunch or dinner before that / We can go for a walk / We can do anything you want / Except Relationship: Well, I guess if we can’t relationship, a pre-hook up lunch or walk will have to do. 

21. My life does not surround itself with money so I’m other words if your looking for a hand out you be barking up the wrong tree: The calling women you don’t know gold diggers trope is old hat, but “my life does not surround itself with money” is maybe one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read. 

22. I’m a nice guy looking for an adventure. Please Don’t be fat!!!: Checks out. 

23. If you don’t want a bump. Take it it in the butt.: What does it say about me that my first reaction to this was “ugh, learn how to use punctuation”?

24. so this is dating now eh? Well look no further I’m the best guy you’ll never have because your to busy with all these fuck boys: Nothing like an aggressive scolding from a stranger. 

25. If it says feminist in your profile we won’t get along. Not cause I’m a chauvinist, I just find strong opinions boring. So Nazis and republicans should stay away too.: Translation: Hey, I’m super dead inside and your caring about things doesn’t interest me. Especially if what you care about is women/equality, but probably also if what you care about is murdering people who are different.

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Quotations From Men's Tinder Profiles part 5

It’s been a long time/ I shouldna left you...Friends, I have decided once again to share with you my commentary on the wild world of Tinder’s most inexplicable dudes. For those joining us for the first time, this is an annotated list of actual quotations from men’s tinder profiles, loosely ranked from the mildly confusing to the most obnoxious/absurd. Enjoy.

1. I like touching things, asking why and red wine: This might be the profile of an alcoholic toddler?

2. I am here to wake you up so you may become YOU. Getting Back to Nature. Know Thyself! Seek The Truth & Nothing But The Truth. Love YourCellf: I didn’t realize tinder was the place to go to offer strangers self-actualization. Also, I didn’t bother to transcribe the 25 emojis interspersed in this profile. 

3. Softty in a though shell. Crack me open and ull see what is at my core...a whole bunch of CHEEEEEEEZZZZZ!!!!: This dude is not calm about his own cheesiness. 

4. Also you can call me cake boy, cuz I go straight to your ass (cake emoji, cake emoji, pig emoji): He cannot let you go another second without knowing of his passion for rimming

5. Just like the delivery man, i am out standing: You tried to be clever. You failed, but you did try. 

6. Juggalette friendly: Well, good for you, my friend. Someone has to be, I guess.

7. I can’t die a virgin: Oh, but you can.

8. Hard to find a good man now a days!: Thanks for the reminder?

9. I got suspended for watching porn in grade 8: Cool story, bro. 

10. Searching for friends on Tinder is like searching for a plumber fixing tubes on Pornhub: This is not a very successful simile. 

11. “He’s hung like Jon” - said the Horse: Look, don’t bring any talking horses into your poor seduction attempts, man. 

12. Something you should also keep in mind is that as we grow, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will.You will have you heart broken probably more than once and its harder everytime. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken...So take too many pic: This conclusion is kind of a let down after that lecture. How will taking too many pic solve heartbreak?

13. I’m looking for someone who stands out in a crowd where every girl looks the same: No one else is to blame for your poor eyesight, my guy.

14. MAYBE ONE DAY I CALL YOU BY YOUR NAME, WHICH WILL BE “WIFE”...FUTURE GOALS:): Does this guy think a woman’s name becomes wife when she gets married? Also, gross. 

15. I just want to meet a girl that if the condom breaks and you get pregnant, that I wouldn’t be terribly upset by that outcome: I can’t decide whether this guy should aim higher or lower or just read up on the morning after pill. 

16. Boning. Things of that nature: What is of the nature of boning other than boning?

17. Yo i know all you girls have a whole lineup of dudes who your talking to but ill tell you right now im not: not what? Lining up dudes to talk to? Allowing yourself to be lined up? Willing to adhere to any rules of spelling or grammar?

18. If you use a Presto Pass. Don’t talk to me. Ruins my day seeing that ugly ass pass: This fragile fella must have very few good days. 

19. Fun facts: Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. Hitler’s mother considered abortion but the doctor persuaded her to keep the baby. In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitue than buy a condom: The categorization of these as “fun” and “facts” is deeply suspect. 

20. If She smokes she pokes: This is on the profile of a guy who claims to have studied “community welfare” and “justice,” so, promising. 

21. I have a tattoo of a cat licking a molotov cocktail and a Canadian Goose with a winter toque on...I think that sums me up pretty good: Okay, I would like to see these tattoos because they sound simultaneously amazing and hideous, but an interpretation of what they actually say about him could go in a bunch of different directions. 

22. I wish I was born in the 40’s where women were ladies, men were gentlemen and sophistication was alive and well: This dude is bad at math. Being born in the 40’s means being of dating/marrying age mostly in the ‘60s. Your nostalgia is not only eye roll worthy, it isn’t even based on stereotypes about the right time period. Also enjoy having your dad die in WWII, punk.  

23. There are three kinds of people. The scholars, the seekers of knowledge and all the others are a waste of humanity: woah, pretty judgey claim for a dude who works as an actor at somewhere called “Spookers Haunted Attraction”. 

24. Saving the world, one hate fuck at a time: (From the profile of a couple). This seems like a bad strategy. 

25. Non-Beta, Non-clingy male. I’m battle hardened and can handle what life tosses my way. I also have your body mastered. Ive had four sums, public sex, into bdsm & making sure every woman understands my sexual prowess. Oh and I’m an electrical engineering student: Look buddy, how could you possibly have every woman you have never met on tinder’s body “mastered”? Also, having every woman in Toronto understand your sexual prowess seems like a tiring and useless goal that will take away from your electrical engineering time.

[ashalaughs]

This is special because it feels like it should be a bad breast-touching joke but is also presented so earnestly that you can’t know for sure. 

[ashalaughs]

An annotated list of quotations from men's tinder profiles part IV

rest assured: dudes are still ridiculous.

1. "Life is supposed to be fun, don't take it to seriously. Funny!!!!!! Cats & Dogs....just for the irony!": This profile mashes up the tried and true "spout some misspelled clichés" approach to tinder self-description with the equally common "totally inaccurate use of the concept of irony" approach to life. Is he saying that it's ironic to like both cats and dogs? Is this an example of the way that he is funny, so funny that it can only be expressed through seven exclamation marks?

2.  "Charisma!!!": I'm beginning to think that there is an inverse relationship between the truth of a statement and the number of exclamation points that follow it...

3. "I'm not a dentist but I enjoy discussing dental hygiene": I want to believe that this was meant to be sexy

4. "I avoid getting kicked for a living. Or feels like it a lot lately.": This one is just really confusing. What job could this possibly describe? I hope this dude gets paid well.

5. "Do not feed or tease the untattooed people!": I'll feed and tease who ever I please thank you very much!

6. "Hope your mom likes the beer guzzling type of guy;)": That's my mom's favourite type of guy, which is lucky because I definitely show her every random guy I consider messaging on tinder. Also, nothing more appealing than using the word "guzzling".

7. "God sent meat the devil sent cooks, explains why I'm here": This actually doesn't explain anything

8. "These are the faces I prepared to meet other faces. No hugs. No learning.": I actually can't remember what this guy's pictures were like, but I can only assume the face of someone who is against both hugs and learning was pretty unattractive.

9.  "I'm not interested in YOLO girls, they don't get my obscure and inappropriate jokes.": I don't know what a YOLO girl is, and I can't figure out what not believing in reincarnation has to do with not getting this guy's undoubtedly very *original* sense of humour.

10. "I am very picky on the girls I talk too,, so make it a little challenging I'll like that From the states - PHILY - recently moved to this wonderful city call Toronto --- sikee it's not that wonderful": Sick burn, bro. I should also mention this guy's name is supposedly "Rub"

11. "Looking for a woman but all i keep meeting are girls": Stop hanging out at elementary schools

12. "Ms Picky always loses lol Single? lonely? Swipe right!": This guy is obviously super confident in his charms

13. "Don't be boring. And be a good fuck.": But then you would get to be the only boring one, and that's not fair to anybody

14.  "The name is Jrock. The ladies just call me daddy. To all my bro's out there if you wanna know more about me just ask your mum, sister or girl friend they have all been blessed enough to taste the roc": Interesting that he thinks a bunch of bros are looking at his profile and that he decided that instead of addressing the various female relations he wants to "bless", he decided to address said bros.  

15.  "South African, but does not have a slave.": As you've probably guessed, this was a white dude. Remarkable for i) thinking this was funny ii) assuming women on tinder don't understand that apartheid wasn't the same thing as slavery iii) thinking that bring apartheid to mind would be a turn on to literally anyone and iv) leaving open the possibility that this statement could come across as somewhat disappointed in tone.

#tinder #questionabledudes annotation

[ashalaughs]

An annotated list of actual quotations from men's tinder profiles part III

"Dislikes: cilantro": I kind of like it that this dude truly feels that the only information a person should use to decide whether or not to message him is his feelings about cilantro.

"I live to work out and talk to people with intrresring rhvBulletin": Poor malfunctioning fitness robot.

"Only god knows where my soul can be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........": This guy is really excited about his existential angst.

"As you can probably tell by now, my name is Blaine. It's the kind of name you can yell, and probably hear an echo.": there's an Aziz Ansari joke about the R Kelly song "Echo" that makes it clear that R Kelly doesn't know what an echo actually is, so I choose to believe that Blaine is actually R Kelly. In closing, don't message him.

"when I'm not busy being a philosopher I like to written and have turned it into a proffesion.": I truly want to believe this is a joke but making these lists has made me less likely to give people the benefit of the doubt.

"I would love to have one sushi dinner with you over skype using a dial up internet connection": Oddly specific, but I suppose it's possible to have a pixellation fetish.

"A heart will swell before it's hardened": This sounds like a terrifying medical condition, but even assuming metaphorical intention, is this guy basically just saying he'll be really loving to you and then suddenly become incredibly cold towards you? [This is a Chet Faker song lyric, but mostly it just proves that using decontextualized song lyrics in your profile is a bad call]

"Swift left if you're going to post my creepy comments on facebook": Done and done.

"I will shower you with love, passion, compassion, and tiger Lilly's. I am really good at making flowcharts also that point out your faults and flaws": Can flowcharts even do that?

"Future business tycoon seeking Pocahontas": This is the plot of a Harlequin-Disney coproduction that would combine the worst things about both.

"Anyone that says 'with all due respect' is preparing to impart a metric shit ton of disrespect. Adam Levine stole my haircut slightly above average man of your dreams...Sorry but if you're covered in tats or have excessive face pollution, we can't hang.": How much is too much face pollution? Actually, what is face pollution? Make up? Piercings? Or is there a new trend of toxic sludge facials I'm not up on?

"Don't talk to me if your a single mom. Wanting to make me part of your family. thanks but no thanks lol.": But you seem like you'd be the perfect stepdad, random grown man on tinder who ends his profile in "lol".

"On our first date I will carve our names into a tree, this will be my romantic way of showing you I have a knife Oh I don't have any money alright, so just get that out of your heads no goldmine here": The first half is standard 'I'm going to say something creepy so girls think I'm edgy' but the second half is what makes this profile. Because nothing says 'I'm super confident in my charms' like calling women you've never talked to gold diggers.

"banned from uber": This is essentially the same as having your About Me section read 'I'm a rapist'

"Lover of free markets. The future will employ only two kinds of people: those that tell computers what to do, and those that are told by computers what to do. Choose wisely.": After he wrote this profile, he asked himself, 'But is there any way to make myself even more repugnant?' and he decided there was not.

#tinder questionabledudes annotation

[ashalaughs]

An annotated list of actual quotations from men's Tinder profiles part II

It's true, there is an endless supply of inexplicable dude-writings that I've decided to tap into once more.

"Mr. Right + l have a puppy": This definitely makes it seem like he and his Mr. Right have a puppy together which would be sweet but was probably not his intention.

"don't complicate things, just go with it": This one is just worryingly vague. Especially considering the number of people who claim to want a "partner in crime" on this app, I'd want to know what "it" was before agreeing to anything.

"I've got a small dick but big dreams": I...didn't realize there was a correlation between the two?

"stand for some dawg, and you wont fall for anything": Maybe this guy types "dawg" enough that his phone autocorrects "thing" to it?

"Beyonce msgd Jay Z first, and she makes more money then him. So stop being childish": I totally didn't know that Beyonce and Jay Z met on tinder.

"Positive thoughts have way more power than...": I can't deal with this cliffhanger ending!

"just here for some fun. i am not trying to know your favorite color blah blah blah blah": Since knowing someone's favourite colours is the height of intimacy when you're around 10, I'm worried about who this guy considers his dating pool.

"What goes around. Comes around!!!!": Maybe the most manic About Me section I've ever seen, if only because of the number of exclamation points.

Cool to lime wit...but doh get meh vex or u'll be nex": One, all of the non-West Indians who read this guy's profile must be utterly confused and two, when will guys learn that having a threat written into your profile is a bad call?

"Please....Pleasee... Don't bring none of that bullshit over here, ain't got time for it! (sips coffee)": What bullshit has already been brought to you that this is your profile? Also, "sips coffee" is not a thing, bro.

"I hate every girl who wears the dollarama birthday pin. Asian girls asian food. Both I love": I have no idea what a dollarama birthday pin is or why it is so loathsome, but I do know that Asian women don't really like being equated with food.

"let's make fun of drunk Asian girls together": Nothing builds a love connection like shared casual racism

"There's no one I disapprove of or root more for than myself. Plus, I dont like cold sores...if you have one, keep swiping...see what I mean.": I don't see what he means. Is he trying to tell us he has cold sores? Is he trying to say he realizes he's being rude and disapproves of it but cares too much about himself to have even a virtual connection to a woman who has ever had a cold sore? Does anyone actually like cold sores?

"Looking for a muse. Please use intelligence and wit, your brain will inspire me to greatness and the lot of us will ascend the heavens." This one gets the top spot because of how grandiose yet douchey it is. Also, who is this "the lot of us" that will ascend to the heavens? Is this a sister wives situation?  

#tinder questionabledudes annotation

[ashalaughs]

An annotated list of actual quotations from men's Tinder profiles ranked from mildly confusing to horrifying

So while hanging out with some friends, I made a tinder profile. Since then, I've been culling absurd bits of men's "about me" sections. First I thought I'd make them into a poem but the levels (depths?) of bizarreness that I came across was too much to tamper with so I've decided to present them individually ranked by terrifyingness with some commentary.

"Just a Wiz Khalifa looking for his Amber Rose": This one is a bit sweet, if you are particularly attracted to heavily tattooed potheads who look like weasels

"i'm jewish cute and know what i want...word of the day Work hard in silence let the success make the noise": this one isn't scary but it does demonstrate the importance of punctuation (unless he really thinks "jewish cute" is a thing) and is confusing due to his clear misunderstanding of what a word is.

"Pain is temporary-victory is forever": This one amps up the confusion for being demonstrably false and also not actually "about him" at all

"I believe that we were all put here to learn, but it's a shame that only the intelligent can give the gift of knowledge": I...don't understand what this is supposed to mean?

"New to Canada. Chinese. like cooking. easy-going. looking for meet new people. make baby. Like me if you have baby with me": This is moving into the slightly scary category but I want to believe it's a joke. An unsuccessful, off-putting joke.

"how many marshmallows can you stick in your mouth while i tickle you?": When trying to be cute comes out like pretty creepy

"White women's kryptonite Dont care about tits. Lookin for that amazing booty Love a thick woman who is not scared to eat cuz i throw down in the kitchen like its nobodys business": Those are some big claims there, buddy

"Ladies, don't flatter yourselves..I swipe right for everyone": This seems counterproductive?

A tie between three similarly themed comments: ""pizza over bitches", "your mother smells", and "Don't be a bitch", because they're all weak attempts at seeming like the "hot, cool jerk" from guys who are decidedly not hot

"I like cars fast, not my women": I like my pain dull, not my men

"Just don't piss me off by asking stupid question twice": It's unclear what questions are making this guy so angry but it is also surprising that literally anyone is talking to him at all

"Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the HELL out": I see the metaphorical intent but the capitalization definitely make this sound like a threat

"Every single time a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. But if a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called a slut. And people think this is unfair...No. It's completely fair and I'll tell you why; cause it's fuckin' easy to be a slut. It's fuckin' hard to be a stud. To be a stud you have to be witty, charming, well dressed, have nice shoes and a fake job. To be a slut you just have to be there": This starts off on a mildly promising note and then jumps on an express train to misogynyville. Also, how is a fake job a requirement for studliness?

"Loving me will not be easy, it will be war. You will hold the gun and I will hand you the bullets. So breathe, and embrace the massacre that lies ahead": This one gets the top spot by virtue of being exactly the kind of thing a guy with several restraining orders out against him would write.

#tinder questionabledudes annotationforever