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SAUDADE

BY GRACHEL ASCURA

Oh what a very hot afternoon! My warm sweats won’t stop falling. The hotness of the weather makes me finally feel the essence of summer and it makes me want to go to the beach again. I can still remember those times when we’re at the beach with the happy moments that we had there. I can still remember the sight of clear and blue beach water and it’s refreshing salty smell. Suddenly, I miss the feeling of the warm waves crashing against my body, the rough and white sand between my toes, the feeling of the hot sunlight kissing my skin, and the salty taste of the water. Also, I miss the sound of those shouts and loud laughter that me and my family shared together while soaking in the warm and salty beach water. I still remember how we all tremble every time a cold sea breeze embraces us, and the bearable pain that we felt every time we stepped on a rocky part of the beach and a sea urchin which had sharp and pointy spikes. Also, it's just funny how someone should pee on your swollen foot that stepped on the sea urchin in order for its spikes to go out from your foot and to stop it from swelling. Oh, how I miss those moments. Wish we could go back to those times.

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THE POWER OF SELF-LOVE

BY ELLA MAE CANIEDO

Flaws are marks or imperfections in your body. It can affect the way people interact with others. They are the reasons why some people are insecure of their own body. But, accepting your flaws will help you to love yourself more and will increase your confidence.

I cry myself to sleep each night and drown with these thoughts in my head. I have hairy arms and legs, my teeth weren’t as white as a pearl, and I have a big calf and more. I'm afraid to wear shorts, skirts, dresses, or other short clothes because I'm thinking that people might laugh at my legs. And the only thing that I'm proud of is my hair, because it dances as I move. It shines like the reflection of a night sky to the dancing waves of the ocean. It was the restful visual of my soul. A lot of people appreciate them and that’s when I decided to start appreciating anything about myself.

Lying on my soft bed on a boring day while scrolling to an unending video on Tiktok, I saw a lot of pretty girls with porcelain skin, glowed faces, and perfect teeth. Let's just say, they are like fairies. I touch my face. My face is full of pimple marks and mountain-like pimples. I suddenly felt insecure. I looked at the mirror and said “Why is my face like this? When will you be lost?” I lose my confidence every time someone will say, “What happened to your face?”, “You're ugly because of your pimples,” and others make it a joke. Because of those judgmental people, I rarely go out our house and socialize with other people. It feels devastating. It’s like building something for so long only to be ruined by just a few simple words.

One day while I'm taking my rest, I saw a video on Tiktok showing her flaws to millions of people. I feel awe for her. She said in her video that there is nothing wrong when you have imperfections and God made you like that, so be thankful. It is not you without those. And because of that one video and because of her, I'm starting to love my flaws. I logged out all my social media accounts to avoid negativity like body shaming. I'm starting to love my legs, my face, and other imperfections that I have. I also researched to find some solution for my pimples and I exercise a lot for my body. And now my confidence has gone higher. I'm still in the process, but I'm claiming that one day I will let the people see me confident with my flaws.

In conclusion, having flaws in our body is natural and it is not a problem at all if we love them and accept them as a part of our body. Having imperfections is not our downfall. Having dark underarms, stretch marks, fat body, pimples like mountains, short legs, a hairy body is okay. Being pretty is not all about glowing skin, perfect body, about being tall, etc. Being pretty is how you show to others what you have and you are content with it.

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I AS AN ATHLETE

BY GIOVANNI DIAZ

I’ve heard that somebody says that being an athlete is very easy, but it is just for them because they didn’t know and experience the life of being a student athlete. It is never easy becoming a student athlete because I combine my study and being a competitive athlete. I’ve loved being an athlete. To me being an athlete taught me how to be persistent, respectful, and above all I learned to trust God no matter how hard the training is. It used to be tiring but the fun is worth it when I’m with my fellow athletes. Recently, I am very disappointed because it is no longer the same as before since the catastrophe began. Nevertheless, As I look back to the things I experienced before, here are the things I jotted on my mind:

DO NOT RUSH TO GET TO THE CHAMPION

I told myself not to rush to get a champion award, everything starts at the beginning. Training, sweating, and exhausting are prerequisites to further develop the skills. It is never wrong to lose, losing draws strength, passion, and perseverance and the hunger to achieve significant awards. The right time will come to me when I will also be a champion.

DO NOT FORGET YOUR STUDY

Sometimes, I also forget that I am a student. I’ve been paying more attention to being an athlete than being a student. It is even more important to study so that I can learn and know something.

BE RESPECTFUL, LOVABLE, AND GOD-FEARING

You are not a good athlete if you don’t have respect, love, and God-fearing. You must respect the coaches and trainers, and also you must respect the athletes. Sometimes there are athletes who forget to respect their coaches and trainers because of being arrogant.

ENJOY THE LIFE OF BEING AN ATHLETE

Appreciate every moment that happens to you while you are an athlete. Treasure those bonds that happen when you are together with your friends. Keep those memories that you shared with laughter, cries, and celebrations because, the time will come that you will get old, your hair will turn white, your body will no longer be active, and your knees will weaken, not as energetic as before. You can’t wake up early to jog ten times on the oval. You can’t eat delicious food cooked by the chef. You will no longer be able to be with your friends on the trip. You can’t go up on stage to get an award. So, enjoy the life of being an athlete, because one day being an athlete is just a memory of yours.

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SUN

BY CHRISTINE HILLARY ESCOBAR

Pessimism fills my whole being. I can still recall precisely the moment that I was dreadful the most back in the pandemic. I can vividly recall the moment when the first rays of sunlight entered my room. I went outside the house and sat on our patio. I felt the briskness of nature's air. It was beautiful scenery, the sunrise was glorious florid orange. It was a bucolic life, the sunlight touched my soul.  It gives me an elated feeling. But when night time comes and the surroundings are already dark, the excitement in my lips and eyes would gradually vanish. This is the moment that I truly fear. My existence is embraced by pessimism.

I was lying on my bed and just staring at our ceiling. Many questions entered my brain, "Why do I seem to be lost in the world anytime?", "What if the virus continues to spread?", "Will it be like this for the rest of my life?", "What if I'm on the list of those who died because of Covid?". Tears welled up and cascaded down my cheeks like a river breaking free from a dam. I suddenly felt frightened. I covered my lips with my hand so that my mother would not hear my sobs. Yes, it sounds so simple, nonsense, and shallow but it feels so deep, wandering through every part of my veins. But then, I realized that no matter what happens in the world, I can't stop it. However, I have power over what is going on in my head. I will be the one who can control my thoughts and emotions. I am the one who needs to hold it. I thought that whatever my choice would be today would be the result of tomorrow.

I decided to try new things. I woke up too early to ride my bike. While I'm already riding my bike, I keep on pedaling. I feel like I'm leaving everything behind--- my anxiousness and fear.  I feel like I've reached the whole world- the world is too big for me to apprehend.

I've realized that I should not let my anxiety control my mind and body. I should stop thinking about the things that I don't have the hold of and should start thinking about what I can do to make things better. This pandemic has been an eye-opener to me. Maybe it is just a blessing in disguise, to help me and every person just like me to keep on going and hoping for a brighter place we live in.

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MERRY REMINISCE-MAS

BY RENNA KAYE GAMIT

A frigid breeze will be felt as the Christmas season approaches. It is also time for us to unpack colorful lights and decorate our home, pretty much every corner, with Christmas decors. There are red, blue, gold, silver, and green twinkles and shimmers everywhere you look. It is the very awaited, very sought for, very exciting vacation, the Christmas season.

My mother will wake me up when it is time for us to attend "Simbang Gabi" while the sun is still asleep. Once simbang gabi starts, the children carolers will be singing Christmas carols hopping from one house to another. I still remember when I was young, I was also one of those carolers. We went to all the houses near us. It was fun because we had not been able to start singing yet, the dogs would bark right away. Sometimes after that they would chase us and we would run without getting the given money.

When I think about those times, I cannot fully imagine that it has been too long. The fun in those days is not the same as now. It is like I just want to go back to the past but I know I cannot. It is also part of my holiday to spend quality time with the people I love and a time for family gatherings just like reunions that always take place by the end of the year. I will see my cousins, aunts and uncles again come from other places. Our house will be filled with laughter again, naughty children who are always running around the house, and the noise that comes from karaoke when my aunts start to sing. Of course, the games that are prepared for kids and adults will not be forgotten and will be missed. After that, you can really see the fun and smile written on the faces of the children after they will be given a Christmas gift from the elders. Also, the adults were just talking and catching up with their recent life events.

I miss those days, just like in recent years. I do not enjoy Christmas that much, it is just different now than before. Maybe because of the recent events that are happening in our world today. I understand that we cannot just always be stuck thinking about those times, we also need to continue and accept the reality we are facing today. It was fun to reminisce about old memories but then again it is also sad to think that we can no longer do the things we used to do. All we can do now is to keep up with the time and make new and lots of memories.

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CAN'T SLEEP

BY ZILDJIAN LOPEZ

It was already 11:28 pm in the evening, and I was still awake. I’m supposed to go to sleep, but insomnia strikes at that time. It's raining right now, and despite drinking warm milk, it's still cold. …..Sorry about that, my mind went somewhere. I keep dozing off lately, and I don't know why though. The sound of rain covers the silence in this room, since people who live here are asleep. I'm planning to watch TV, but I don't know what I should watch. Changing channels to find something to watch is kinda boring.

Oh, the rain has stopped pouring. Now, the crickets outside take over. You know, I really hate too much silence because silence can be deafening. Like my ears ringing and my mind's blank or something unable to think.  Rain, please come back. The presence of yours is very comforting. I like rain so much. Time check 11:50 p.m., well, ten minutes before midnight. I'm yawning. I hope my sleepiness is getting me, 'cause I really need to sleep. I have class tomorrow and work to pass on time.

I've been listening to songs since the beginning of writing this, and the song I am listening to now is "Hey There Deliah" by Plain White T's. Great song, actually. Say, my day is good fortunately, and I'm so glad that I felt so relaxed this day. Oh yeah, it's 12:00 a.m. finally. I really need to sleep. I'm going to force myself to sleep.

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YOUR LIFE DOES MATTER

BY ANGEL MARCLEINO

Most of us wanted to find meaning in everything that we do, to unveil the real purpose of our existence. However, only a few of us have already found it and still a lot of us are wandering. What on earth Am I here for? Am I fulfilling my purpose?

We tend to constantly wonder and sometimes this leads to a lot of questions no one can answer. In our search of finding the true meaning and purpose, we are always left disappointed; and worst, it causes us a lot of anxiety, stress, and depression.

This condition is known as the Existential crisis. “This refers to feelings about meaning, choice, and freedom in life.” That life is inherently pointless, that our existence has no meaning because there are limits or boundaries on it and there is no point in living because at the end we will vanish, we are always replaceable.

If you have experienced anxiety, depression, constant worrying about the future and a constant question about life’s meaning and purpose, try to assess yourself, maybe you are currently dealing with this crisis.

In order to overcome this, some medical experts have laid down some effective ways:

Write it down.  Pull out a notebook and jot down your thoughts on these questions. It's in the answers to these questions that you will find how to cope with an existential crisis.

Seek support. Talking with loved ones about your existential anxiety can help you gain a different life perspective and remind you of the positive impact you've had on their lives. Ask them to help you identify your most positive and admirable qualities.

Try meditation. Meditation can help you replace negative thoughts and help prevent anxiety and obsessive worry linked to an existential crisis.

Moreover, always know that you are one important person, that you matter for those people you truly value your family, friends and loved ones. Know that you are not living life in vain and know that there is someone up there giving your life a purpose.

Lastly, learn to live a life with gratitude and look at it in a lens where you can see it's true beauty. If something is distorting the view of your purpose and its meaning, get that away and focus on what makes  you feel that your life is  so valuable and worth it, because you are .

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HURT.

BY DYSTEE JULS MEDEL

Oh boy! Oh boy! here we go again.

As I was laying down on my bed inside my room. A dream-no! an idea pops up in my mind as I lay still. Life is hard as it can be, people fight hard but sometimes people flee and hide. Why is that?

Sometimes people tend to think that they can overcome things that keep them from going and so they did but All the time people flight or fly away from things that keep them grounded because they think those things might hurt them. I'm not talking about people who hide from their own problems-maybe yes but I want to talk about those people who commit suicide and choose to run away from things that might hurt them and always hurt them.

I know people nowadays tend to say "I have depression and anxiety." But do you know what depression and anxiety really feels like? Do you know what depression and anxiety do to a person?

Depression and Anxiety is really a bad thing. As you lie awake in the middle of the night fearing things that come to mind, those things that you know haunt you as you sleep and stay awake. Fear is one thing you wish you don't want to feel as you lay down in bed feeling like something or someone is under your bed. No! Fear is related to trauma as things make you scare the living life out of you.

Depression with anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. Oh! those feelings that something is crawling under your skin, those feelings that you hide as you hide from anyone's scene. Anxiety is the one of the most frustrating things: knowing as you're freaking out that there's no reason to be freaked out, but lacking the ability to shut the emotion down.

Anxiety disorder is real, people are not imagining things, you are not alone, people with anxiety can be productive and even happy, Anxious is how people feel, not who you are. Anxiety freaking sucks, you unintentionally make yourself sad, you feel alone even when you're not and sometimes you don't even know what's wrong.

Sometimes people say "Anxiety isn't that bad" and you really wanna tell them that "yes it is" Anxiety makes you sit there and overthink every single thing. At times it makes you think people in your life are leaving you. You begin to feel abandoned, and not worth anything because the most important person/ people in your life don't want you. So you push away for fear of being hurt. You push them away so they can't discard you or leave you when in reality nobody was ever leaving. Anxiety is this bad makes you the ones you love. It sucks.

then here comes suicide: where you can't do it anymore and you just gave up leaving everything behind and begun fading away in the darkest part of your life.

You are not alone and if you're feeling this kind of things. Just remember there's someone who loves you and cares about you. Don't give up and just keep fighting.

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GOOD TIMES + CRAZY FRIENDS = GREAT MEMORIES

It happened last Friday, April 9th. Unplanned and instant outings most to become successful. First, Mary Ann messaged the group chat who will come to go swimming. I think it was a lit idea, I've been drowned with studies and stuff. I think it's time to be drowned in the cool water with the gang. After that message we all agreed and then, I started to pack up my things. The next thing I know, my friend Jaylloyd is already waiting outside to fetch me. It was a bumpy ride hopping in his motorcycle heading to Carla's house. We are going to fetch her as well. The rays of the golden bright sun in the perfect noon is dope. The heat that slightly burns my pale natural skin, I put my sunglasses on and enjoy the fresh breeze of Tantangan. Wearing my black fitted shirt paired with baggy maong pants and a black belt. "It's kinda hot outta here!" I said as we greeted the whole squad.

We brought the rice Shanne Mae prepared earlier that day. The squad decided to buy fish and grill it later in the resort. We paid for the entrance and the cottage. The resort is surrounded with nipa hut cottages, the water sparkles from the rays of the shinny sun in the rectangular pool from the view up here. Coconut trees swing with a chilling breeze. The blooming flower landscape makes the scenery more calming and relaxing. "This is the escape that I need." I said in my inner thoughts. A minute after, Erl and Mary Ann came, they arrived late because they prepared some melon juice and also brought watermelon. Jerry, Clifford, and Jake are already grilling the fish. The smoke from the grilling place reached our nostrils while we were busy catching up things and talking about college. Endless laughter and tease on each other envelopes the atmosphere in the cottage. Taking goofy videos and photos to store in our memories.

The center table is busy at the moment. The smoked banana leaf is placed in the center, topped with the spread rice and the delicious grilled fish they cooked, the red sweet watermelon is placed at every corner. Everybody was drooling, we ate the meal bare handed.

Sitting unable to move with the full belly on. The vibing sound from the speaker takes the hut atmosphere. From a glimpse, others came late. Eman, Emem, Mark, Landrex and Judo. Guess they're really good at practicing their Filipino time. Everyone's finally here! The last thing I remember is we are already at the pool enjoying the cold water and the chilling breeze and with the unending laughter and jokes we made...

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WHAT HAD REALLY HAPPENED THAT DAY

BY JOHN LENARD VILLEGAS

Some endings are not meant to be shown, but to be mutually understood.

Everyone was physically tired that day since all we did was to swim all day long. We were literally basking under the heat of the sun, bidding our goodbyes to each other. 4 years of being together as one section was not that scratch to be thrown, hence, emotion and gratefulness filled the atmosphere. I who were sitting at the side of the pool, crestfallen and weary hearted, engraved on my memory the last moment that we are still complete. Out of the sudden, on my peripheral view, I saw him sat next to me. I steadied my look straight to nowhere. I smiled. I smiled at the idea that it was truly the day where the long run must be put to rest.

More than anyone else, anything else in the venue, to him was I thought the hardest bid of farewell to give. Even though it was a moment I prepared and expected since day one, still, reality, the most trenchant dagger, had wounded me off guard.

He initiated the walk heading towards the mini café of the resort. We had our usual order, cookies and cream and vanilla flavored ice cream. Nobody talked. Silence talked on behalf of us. But in no later time, deep inside, within my tormented heart, I found the courage to utter words, “Ayo ayo ka didto.” He just nodded. For an hour or two that had left, we just sat there accompanied by each other’s presence. Taken the moment that who knows may not be happening again. Only time could tell.

Dusk came and all of us went home. Some were tired physically and maybe emotionally, some were already bid their byes. And in the group, there were two people who put a period to the “thing” between them because in a day or two, one has to go--- to pursue his dream, traverse the ocean away from the shore where his other one is sitting, silently waiting.

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IT WAS TOO LATE

BY CARL JETHRO BAUTISTA

The biggest regret in my life was when I didn't come to visit my grandmother because at that time I played phone games first and didn't come right away. I have a plan to visit grandma but not at those times and I really regret it because at that time, it was her last time here in the world. I didn't even take care of her, I didn't even see her, I didn't even help her if she was having a hard time with the pain.

Why do I regret that? Simply because my grandmother took care of me when my parents were working, she also taught me how to understand things and situations, she also gave me basic lessons in life, and how to respect my parents. She also always gave me money, cooked the foods I wanted to eat especially the jackfruit candy and banana with sugar, and took care of me especially when I was sick. And I didn't even do that to her, even took care of her when she needed it.

So my remorse was really great because I didn't even spend time with her in her last hours. So, I will also do everything to make up for it by taking care of my parents when the time comes.

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A PART OF ME WAS LOST

BY SHEKINA MYRRH CLAVERIA

My biggest regret in life is when I wasn't able to spend my time taking care of my grandfather before he died. I always used my phone to do Facebook and play mobile games. If I just know that he’ll be gone that soon, I hope that I didn’t leave him all alone in his room, I hope I talked to him about life a lot so that he doesn't get bored and he doesn't think that he is useless in this world, and I hope that I didn't feel ashamed to show him how much I love him. Every time I remember the days when I’m taking care of my grandfather, I couldn't help but cry. Those memories will never fade away and will remain forever.

Since my Mother went abroad to provide for our needs, my grandparents are the ones who took care of me and my sister. I never feel that something is missing even though they are the only two with us. Growing up without parents by your side is hard but growing up with these two amazing people, which are my grandparents, feels like I’m so blessed and lucky. That’s why when my grandfather died, I already felt the feeling of loneliness like something is missing in my life. I know God has a reason for everything that has happened to me and I’m willing to accept and fight all the struggles that will come. The time when I told him that “Lolo please don’t leave me,” he just smiled and said to me “I’m sorry Shek, but I’m tired.” I couldn't help but cry because I don't want to lose him. The feeling of wanting to be with him for the rest of my life.

Losing this very important person feels like my world has collapsed. I felt a lot of guilt for myself at his death because I’m still wishing if only I could turn back time. So that all of my attention will be focused on taking care of him and will stay by his side. This regret helped me to realize that every second is important and we should not waste it. Also, we should not be ashamed of showing our feelings to our grandparents on how we love and adore them. In a simple word saying you love them, can make their heart melt. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.

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THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT

BY CHRISTINE HILLARY ESCOBAR

I used to accept that, I need to respect my relatives since they are older than me and I reserve no privilege to reply to them regardless of what they say. Yet, I accept all the more now that there is no slip-up when you are cutting off family members who give undesirable connections and terrible energies to your family.

Since family is the beginning stage of affection, joy and friendship, yet regardless of whether it damages the engraving on the brain that not every person encounters it, not every person is the same, not every person realizes that the family ought to be that way.

My greatest lament was that I give respect and amity to the individual who dealt with my parents like garbage and the most noticeably awful part is that my family allowed her to do that to them since they said that she is important for the family.

In any case, presently I should simply steadily fail to remember what occurred, proceed onward, and should control my annoyance.

My family is what really matters to me. I treated them as my dove and no one could let them down.

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A REGRET THAT I STILL CONQUERING

For me my biggest regret in life is that I don’t have the confidence in everything. I regret not grabbing the opportunities I had before. I think I've been stuck in fear of everything because I keep on losing my confidence since the past few years. I’m the type of person who usually just goes with the flow. I don’t know what I really want to do and what I want to achieve for myself. I was faced more by fear and I let myself stay in my comfort zone. In everything I do, there’s this voice that always stops me from deciding what I should do. I always said to myself that “I can’t do this” , “Ah, this is not for me” and ,“ I am not that strong” , everything becomes a losing battle. I always think negative things and it makes me anxious and insecure about myself. But as time passes, I’ve learned to love myself, I’m slowly learning not to think too much and trying to cool down when I’m battling myself. I will try my best to come out of my comfort zone and gather all of my confidence back. I don’t want to let people think that I’m weak, that's why I’m sorting things out with myself. I will, not just to myself but also to the people who believe in me, because there is no person who can know and understand me better but only myself. To be able to move forward we need to learn, accept, be positive, adapt, and grow.

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OH BOY. THIS WILL BELONG TO YOU.

BY CATHERINE LANOY

I am an 18-year-old female. At 25, I was bestfriend with a guy. Let's call him Yong. He was something else. He made me feel good about myself. He was always there for me. In good times, in bad times. He was there for me whenever I needed him. Needless to say, I fell for him. I fell for him hard. We got together when I was almost 16.

I don’t believe in the concept of “the one”. I have never received much love from anyone. Not even my parents. Yong gave me that love. He made me happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be. And not just him. Before we started dating, he was my best friend. Both his parents knew me and were secretly rooting for us to get together. We did get together. His sister, his parents, they were all so good to me. It felt like I was home when I was with him and his family. Even my mother approved of him and really liked him. He made me feel good about myself. He made me feel what I never felt. He brought out those sides in me that I didn’t even know existed. Everything was so perfect. He understood me like no one ever did.

Everything was good until he moved to another city for his studies. This was when I was 16 and Yong was 18. Being in a relationship doesn’t robotomize that part of your brain which attracts you to others ( i know he likes someone who is prettier than me). He told me that he found other people attractive and I was okay with it. He wanted to be free. He said that he wanted to experience the single life, to experience how it felt to go out on dates, and hook up with strangers. I understand his needs because I can't give him what he wants, so I let him do whatever he wants to do. I understood him perfectly even though it hurt to even think about him with another guy. We talked about it and I agreed that he could go and hook up with a stranger to see how it felt. Just to experience it. It was slowly killing me. But I still did let him do it anyway. I cried a lot. We agreed that it would be just a one-time thing but it killed me from the inside. It destroyed us. We broke up soon after what he did (i can't take the pain so I decided to let him go).

Coming back to the reason for my biggest regret in life. I destroyed my self-respect because I came into a relationship with the wrong person. And that is the biggest regret of my life. I tried many times but he never tried to understand me and respect me. I lost many people just because of him. I just regret it. I broke my family's trust. I faced a lot just because I believed in true love. But still, I learned a lot. I realized that people love you only when they need you. I realized that no one is more important than you and your self-respect. Self-love is more important. Nobody is forever in your life. I realized that the person who can understand you the best is only you!

I have been in a relationship with a good guy for the past year. But he doesn’t compare. Nothing and nobody will ever compare to what I have right now.

Finally, this is a long shot. But Yong, if you are somewhere reading this. I want you to know that you need to change for being a fvck boy. Meeting you was the biggest regret in my life.