aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

i’m learning. how to be. what healthy means. balance. i’m learning about what i need and how to ask for it. sometimes from others, often times from myself. i’m learning to say “no” when it feels right just for the sake of it feeling right. i’ve never learned like this before. experientially. intuitively. expressively. it’s unsettling, and also reassuring, to learn from me.

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

here is the end of an age.

it should have ended a long time ago. i was naive to stick around, refusing to acknowledge the damage I was causing myself. i’m embarrassed. I stuck around and accepted the apathy, disrespect, lies. I put up with so much of your bullshit. I should be relieved. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts like hell. but my god, you’re so broken. and you hurt me. and you used me. Maybe one day you’ll realize what you’ve done, because right now I know you think you’re peachy and that makes it sting a little more. You’re the villain. You’re the bad guy. I’m the idiot who didn’t recognize you for what you are. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. I don’t want you in my life anymore. at all. I really don’t mind if I never see you again.

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

my mantra

I’m not the person you used to know, but the version you knew still lingers inside me. I can still feel her scratching at the walls of my skull, hoping to break through with teary eyes and a scratchy voice. You won’t see her today, or any day for that matter. For as long as I can stand it, and as far as you’ll know, she’s gone for good. The person you see sitting before you is here to stay. This one will not shed a tear; she will not fight a losing battle; she will not fall prey to your games. I am more sure of who I am than I have ever been before. I think you will be surprised to see that your words will not instigate, entice, or insnare. I won’t be rallied to defend my name, for it needs no defense. I won’t be provoked to war, for I have no cause to win. I need no validation. I seek no affirmation. I take no grief. Stay and see that my mighty roar is calm and silent. I am a new creature staring coldly into the void that once consumed me, and simply turning away. 

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

my murderous tendency

the let down is still hard, even when the come up was cautious.

hear me clearly when i say that this wasn’t me, and that my biggest regret was putting on a show for you. i wonder if you saw a girl in me-- weak, feeble, insecure. laughing nervously, she bat her lashes and tossed flirty smirks across the table. and i wonder if you mistook my girlish theatre show for who i truly am. i wonder if you missed the raw, uninhibited lady in me. maybe that’s why you thought disrespecting me was acceptable, tolerable, warranted. it wasn’t. you took me for a dainty flower, but i am a consuming fire. tall, and strong, and unquenchable. you look away for too long, and I will consume you. I regret allowing you to think of me as passive; when in truth I am an undeniable force. I hold more vigor, grit, effervescence, bravery in my girlish showcase than you do on even your best day. 

don’t play me. i deserve better than that, and even if you never know it, i let you think you came out on top. when, lucky for you, you simply came out alive.

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

an over-dramatization based on real events

i don’t know how he got in here

maybe it was the window

the one in the back of the house, dimly lit and collecting dust

i don’t know how he stayed here, well past his welcome

recently i can only remember glimpses of what this house looked like before him, without this torn wallpaper, splintered wood, broken mirrors

i recognize the bookcases and chandeliers and wainscoting, but most everything else has been torn and weathered by him

most everything else is in disarray 

i’m used to him by now, and used to the state of my house

but you came in such vivid contrast

standing in my doorway, not even a scuff on your trousers, not even a hair out of place

weathered, but completely whole

your smiling eyes held an unspoken promise of cleanliness, handiwork, 

kindness 

I felt hopeful, and then suddenly ashamed

cheeks red, i bolted out of view

tossing wait and stay across the foyer behind me as i ran

I gathered him up, all fists and furrowed brow and harsh words

and i set him on the windowsill 

no need for goodbye, we were never that amicable

on my way back to you i closed cabinets that hung by a single hinge, straightened stacks of books leaning too carelessly, pushed down an unruly floorboard--and then another, and another

panting, i arrive to find that there was no need to rush--you are long gone

as quickly as you appeared

and i felt hope leave with you

I’d believed in you-- i’d believed in promises for repainted walls, for replaced lightbulbs, for whole mirrors

believe me, I had never expected you to fix those things

 I just wanted you to be here while i tidied up

please, wait. stay. 

an uneven floorboard catches me as i bend to meet it, watching the doorway

wondering what it was-- the wallpaper? the dust? the broken glass? 

there are too many guesses to blame

would you ever have stayed at all? 

I hear a creaking over my shoulder,

i don’t know how he got in here

maybe it was the window, the one in the back of the house

maybe he moved his hand along the seal, feeling its ridges, 

then nudged it upward, crawling inside

a porcelain vase hits the wall, there’s a sharp crack and it shatters 

i choke on a sob as it climbs up my throat

wait. stay.

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

me experiencing love: this is too spicy

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

if i express any doubt or worry that i won’t ever get married, i’m always met with a resounding “of course you will!” —which is polite of anyone to say, but it doesn’t put my worries to rest. you see, i know that there’s nothing objectively wrong with me. in many ways, and to many people, i would make a decent spouse. but the trouble is that i’m not interested in a “decent” marriage. i want a love that is truly stunning. i want to never doubt that the love i’ve found is strong, and deep, and unconditional. i want my kids to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that their parents truly love each other. i want the kind of love that gives hope to the people around us that real love does exist, even in the midst of troubles. i don’t worry over cheesy romance or shallow compatibility, but i do worry that i’ll never find a truly rich, satisfying, earth-shaking love..

i don’t want to settle for anything less, and for that, i’m worried that i won’t ever be married.

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

the present is a lover with one foot out the door

time has never belonged to you

it’s always in the process of leaving, with no regard for whether you’d like it to stay or go

crying will only make it worse

time will leave more hastily if you mourn over its loss

with every passing moment, we are all in the middle of a goodbye

we are all watching as a lover chooses to leave

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

premonitions

i can see a future with you. there are so many places where you fit perfectly, and I want to keep you.

I can see you holding me close, dancing in your kitchen late at night. 

I can see you laughing with me over simple things and driving me wild with your smile.

I can see you falling asleep next to me, quietly at the end of the night.

I can see you helping me to grow, challenging me to be better.

I can see you loving me, kindly and wholly. 

I can see you in my future; I hope that you see me in yours. 

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

maybe I’ll show you this one day

maybe I’ll show you this one day, and maybe you’ll feel the same way too.

falling for you felt like diving head-first into an ice cold river, it knocked the air right out of my lungs and left my fingertips tingling. 

being close to you made me warm like a cracking campfire, spreading heat over my cheeks and leaving a twinkle in my eyes. 

I wore the smile you made for days. 

i can make my heart race at the thought of you. at the thought of quiet whispers, your hands on my face, a simple closeness in the dark. 

It hurts to not know if I’m on your mind, like you’re on mine. 

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

goodness feels new

i think i’m mostly scared that you won’t stay. that’s why I’m struggling so hard to keep you. 

you are so many new things. things that i forgot could exist in a guy. kind. honest. patient. forgiving. hilarious. unencumbered. gentle. i forgot people as good as you could be around people like me. i’m broken and brash and all things worrisome. i don’t know how long you’ll stay. but i think you have a lot to teach me, and I’d love to learn from you. 

you are so good. it scares me. i hope you stay long enough for me to learn how to be good, too.

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

an open letter to my fear,

I loathe you, but I won’t make the mistake of underestimating you. I know the hold you can have on my life. Shaking hands, spinning vision, racing heart. Feeling like I’m running a race that I never signed up for. I resent you for that. Fear, you’ve never been welcome in this heart. I want to be free, and that means self-discipline. You see, I know how to tame you. I know how to forget you ever existed. Emotions, like you, aren’t impassable. Emotions are temporary, and lucky for me, they are completely under my domain. I can control you, Fear, because I can control myself. My mind, my body, my heart, it’s all my own. 

So here I am telling you to fuck off. I deserve peace and security. I deserve the solace of a calm mind that’s abounding in hope for what’s to come. I’m taking control and calling my body my own. Fear, I don’t need you. I don’t want you. So, goodbye. 

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

hopeful

i had a thought last night as i was leaving one of my graduate classes. laughing with my fellow students and reveling in the joy that i felt in their presence, i realize that these same people may one day be my colleagues. they may one day be the consultants i call for words of wisdom or encouragement. they may be the friends i meet with over coffee to build up and be built up by. these newfound friends could very potentially be friends to last a lifetime, and that holds so much hope. I know that life has a way of taking people in brilliant directions, so I’m not putting too much stake in these relationships. but it’s a beautifully reassuring thought. I’m making friends who can potentially become pillars of my future. I feel a sort of stability about that. And a whole lot of hope. 

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

I’ve got big dreams for my future that come in the form of little things.

a big bathtub with a widow beside it.

a wrap-around porch with jack-o-lanterns on it in the fall.

a plot of land with a river or lake nearby.

a garden in the back for fresh vegetables and herbs.

lots and lots of counter space and cabinets in the kitchen.

at least two dogs (each 40+ pounds).

the smell of freshly baked bread on a sunday afternoon. 

kids laughing in the yard, climbing trees and playing tag.

a christmas tree, and lots of family traditions. 

a place to call home, and people to call family. 

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

i stand by my choices

i got hurt a lot and deeply by someone that i loved so, so much. as things disintegrated around me and crumbled into hateful pieces in my hands, i still continued to love him. sometimes leading to my own destruction. i would choose love and grace, offering him all the goodness i could and then breaking under the weight of my aching heart when he was gone. i tore myself to pieces in order to love him. and i overlooked so much cruelty and brokenness in him to do it. for a while i resented the love i continued to show him again and again, pitying myself and the hurt i was bringing down upon my heart. 

but recently, i realized the magnificence of that love. i realized that he wasn’t the right one. BUT the love i had for him was so real. so true. so pure. it covered over a multitude of sins. it had hope for even the darkest places in him. it outshone deep hurt and allowed me the power to forgive even the cruelest of errors. and i am amazed at that. in the most humble, righteous way, I thank God for allowing me to see my ability to love like that. it wasn’t meant for him, and i know that now. but it gave me a glimpse into what real, true, christ-like love looks like when it exists between two human beings, and that is so hopeful. I know it exists and I know what I’m waiting on. an exciting, effervescent love that covers over sin and brokenness, and instills hope and joy into the hearts of those who feel it. love is a choice, i know this. and i’d choose it again and again. because Christ chose it again and again for me.  

[aplaceformetoscreamintothevoid]

freud would have something to say about this, i’m sure

i remember a time when my dreams were magical.

when they were filled with superhuman speed and witches and adventure of all kinds. I was amazed at the power of my own mind. 

I woke up feeling empty this morning. it was that deep, throbbing sort of loneliness that sits unwelcome on your chest, making you feel heavy and hollow all at once.

I’d dreamt of you. I don’t recall the details of it now, but i remember weeping. sobbing, with palms turned open, empty. i remember pleading with you, for you. I cried at the absence of your love. at the presence of your body but the complete apathy of your being. I was stripped of every shred of my dignity in exchange for this sorrow. more than anything in the world, i wanted for you to care. but still, you didn’t. I am amazed at the power of my own mind. 

I wake up empty, and i gradually fill myself up to the brim. I run myself a shower, filling up a little; I make myself breakfast, filling up a bit more; I sit down to read in the morning light, and I am full again. I’m able to do this easily now, at first it seemed impossible. but here i am stronger and bolder than i’ve ever been before. I am amazed at the power of my own mind. 

I understand now, as my day is ending, that my dream wasn’t a longing to have you back. It was a call for my heart to remember the ache it felt. It was incentive to never go back again. and it was just enough to cause me to fashion my armor a little tighter and lift my chin a little higher. I am so much stronger now than I was then, but I can’t allow myself to forget that pain, lest i go back to it. I have no need for weeping, or pleading, or outstretched hands pining for love, I am full all on my own. and I am amazed at the power of my own mind.