anxiouspregnantlady

[anxiouspregnantlady]

12+5

I had to think for a bit before titling this post. That's good, right?

Nausea. Definitely more tolerable. But. It's still lingering :( mostly after I eat. I can't eat very much at a time, and I feel queasy for quite a while post any kind of meal. I'm still taking a whole unisom every night, mind you.

Bump. It's big. It's there. No doubt about it. I am having a hard time disguising my belly. Also can definitely feel my uterus. It has been there for a while, I just missed it/ thought it was poop for a few days because I didn't expect it to be SO high. It's still a ways away from my belly button, but golly.

Movement. Ok...I think I can feel some flutters. Not every day, and not for certain, but...FAIRLY sure?! This bb likes music. The new TS album is beginning to grow on me, so I guess that shall be the sound track of this bb's wombtime.

Confidence. Combo of growing bump + potential movement has meant my anxiety level has been quite low, yay! I have a few moments of worrying about my decision to skip the NIPT (i skipped it last time too), but they aren't strong.

Really tired. Gosh. I had really hyped myself up for the magical 12-week mark. I mean, I had to. I needed hope to cling to. But the reality is, I'm still remarkably tired (and kinda nauseous, though much better, see above). Pregnancy makes me really philosophical about tiredness. Our English language is impoverished when it comes to describing the WIDE VARIETY of tireds that a human can experience. There's many normal kinds of tired. Like digesting tired, end-of-day tired, did a pull up tired, ran a race tired, social tired, talking tired, big emotions tired, existential tired, hyper/wired tired. One level below there's jetleg tired, relaxed and drowsy tired, chronic tired. AND THEN, there is pregnancy kinda tired. BONE TIRED. SO TIRED YOU HAVE A HEADACHE FROM THE DEPTH OF EXHAUSTION. Mitochondrial screaming tired. DEMENTOR SUCKED YOUR SOUL TIRED. I think coming out of the first trimester has bumped me back from the 3rd group to the 2nd. But man, I'm still tired.

Thirsty. hella thirsty and water tastes horrible. Found a great hack: Ice + lemon + water in vacuum thermos. Body armor is also great.

It's so cold and I don't know what to wear. Was banking on only needing big-belly clothes in the warmer weather. Well. I still have my winter coat on. Wearing husband's sweatpants for now, but still feeling overall frumpy.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

my new love

Is pineapple

[anxiouspregnantlady]

11+3.

Hello. Feeling a bit disconnected lately... it's still a surprise to me that I'm pregnant. I get lost between the days. I feel a bit of sadness that I haven't been able to be "with" this pregnancy/baby as much (& everyone is quick to tell me it's fine, i know it's fine, but I have an artistic soul and i somewhat like to be sad). I am mostly busy tending to my firstborn, taking her in, overwhelmed with the full-ness of my life, and totally unable to fathom what another child will look/feel like.

Starting with concrete things like symptoms - I have had two somewhat good nausea days (yesterday & today), whoohoo, after quite a rough week of feeling ill and down even with the unisom+b6. My bump is still both big & small. I'm tired, but inconsistently - I felt energetic this morning and actually woke up before my alarm, but crashed by noon and had to take a nap. Not really having heartburn anymore, still somewhat constipated (magnesium does seem to helping, so yay). I've learned that eating big meals does feel horrible. Like everyone says. Eating somewhat normally, but still spurning rice, oddly (don't worry, I get plenty of bread carbs & boba carbs).

Happy to be back in the swing of climbing, making good progress on my 5.10c project (feels awfully weird to be a toproper now..). Feel a bit down about how to dress these days, I seldom feel cute.. but glad that I'm able to sew. I tried to make a wrap dress out of a $1 linen curtain I got from the thrift store and it looks like... guess what, a curtain. So I'm going to try and dye it a sophisticated muted aquamarine-y color. I'm also working on a bedsheet dress - a simple tiered maxi dress - with a soft black cotton ikea bedsheet i scored at the thift store too. Hoping it won't look like a bedsheet. All my intermediary pants options have started to fail me. They're alright at the start of the day, but not by the end, and also they're just ITCHY and annoying even if they fit.

I dunno, I'm just feeling sort of down about everything, even though I wanted this (and still want this) so much. I've come close to telling some folks about the pregnancy but haven't been able to. I feel sad that the stereotype is so true & the second baby is getting so much less fanfare & celebration than the first. K is making a big adjustment to a new job; I'm trying to confront the fact that a long maternity leave as I want to take may mean I never get licensed. We started 2024 thinking we were going to move internationally and now we're not. It's just a lot.

I guess a good summary of life right now is: I'm enjoying sewing and climbing again; I alternately dread & enjoy working, parenting, and home-economying; I am really getting quite sick of the nausea and exhaustion.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

9+6 - first OB appointment

Woaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Had been feeling fairly calm leading up to the appointment. But we did health history & blood pressure and talked for a while before it was time to try the doppler, and I was so super nervous that my *own* heart beat was drowning out every other sound. It was BOOMING. Honestly, it was ridiculous. It was so fast that it could've been a fetal heart beat -____-. When the NP couldn't find anything from baby she was great, firm & kind, told me she was not even a little bit worried at all, and promptly wheeled in a super old school ultrasound machine. And then I got to see baby, albeit super grainy, with its heartbeat and it was rhythmically waving its limbs around!

So. This baby is happening.

Still feeling pretty blah, nausea wise. Exhaustion seems to have lifted quite a bit, which is nice - although I'm seeing here that only five days ago I was complaining about how tired I was over here, so I suppose that is a very recent development.

I'm going for my first official 'intro to climbing' class today, which is a bit funny because I have been climbing intensively for years, but it is time for me to lay aside my love for bouldering and try to embrace top roping. I decided I wanted to take a class because P is getting really eager about climbing too and asks all the time to do "wopes" (ropes) rather than just climbing up to a height where we can support her. If I'm going to be belaying her, I sure as hell want to be properly instructed. To add to the fun, K (who has vehemently declared that he HATESSSS climbing all this while) has had a sudden change of heart and asked me to buy him climbing shoes. Maybe my dream of us being a climbing family will actually come to fruition!

Nothing else really noteworthy from my appointment... they're checking all the usual bloodwork plus thyroid. Next appointment is at 14weeks. Hoping for a steady decrease in nausea between now and then, plus a growing bump.

Idk if I'm talked about my belly yet on here but since 9 weeks there has been SOMETHING going on. It's thicker. I can feel it. Also, I think my linea nigra is slowly coming back. Fun!

[anxiouspregnantlady]

9+1

I am just so tired. Out of breath. That is all. Alllll. I think I have done commendably in this wait between ultrasound and OB appointment. I'm getting excited to see my midwife practice in just 5 days. My belly's huge, I feel awful, and I'm pretty sure there's a baby in there... telling my PTSD thoughts to go away nicely

I AM SO TIRED

[anxiouspregnantlady]

8+2

Hii, back with a quick update.

I started taking a full tablet of unisom with my b6 a couple of days ago, but still find myself feeling bad from lunchtime on. Very exhausted. I am done by about 9:15pm and it's a battle to wash up and pee and stuff. Up in the middle of the night at least once, sometimes 3x, to pee. Boobs and nipples still sore. Also milk still comes out when I squeeze, lol. Did I say tired? The burping and heartburn has calmed down a bit.

Excitingly, I think my morning post-pee belly is starting to pop just a little. It's at quite a precise angle too, similar to how my beginning belly was with P. My end of day belly is huge, but I usually have quite the bloat going on anyway, so shrug. I do *feel* more stretched out though, and I feel more of an obstruction when I'm leaning over the kitchen counter to wash dishes.

I've made quite a lot of progress with my wardrobe. This pregnancy is very different from with P because I am working ~in person~ twice a week with clients and I would like to try and keep the pregnancy under wraps til at least 20 weeks. Just because of the nature of my relationship with my clients, where it is kind of disruptive/distracting for the focus to be on me and my personal life. SO, I've scored quite a few finds via thrifting! Mostly elastic waist pants - I have an olive green tencel pair, a wide leg black trouser, and the everlane dream pant. I also got some straight leg, high rise black gap jeans from goodwill and inserted a triangular elastic at each of the side seams so I have 4-6 more inches in the waist. My gripe with maternity jeans is they are so non-subtle, they are sooooo low rise, and they are ALL SKINNY JEANS!!! WHY!!! I guess it's easier for the jeans to stay up? Anyway, I LOVE the result and I'm actually wearing them now. I'm also trying to find tops that are a bit more flowy at the bottom. This is a big style adjustment because I've really leaned into the mom vibe lately and am more of a high waisted tucked in kinda person. But. More than happy to have to make a change.

OK last thing omg my sneak peek gender result got turned around ridiculously fast and the result is SITTING IN MY FREAKING INBOX. I'm attempting to not look for TWO WEEKS because I thought it would be really special for my SIL to surprise us. But then I realized I wanted to wait until everything was good at our 10w appointment before doing such a daringly celebratory kind of thing. Anxiety or sensibility? Who knows. It's my pregnancy. K doesn't think I can wait. But I think I can. I've archived it so it isn't staring at me.

I think it's a boy, to the extent that I will quite shocked if it's a girl.

Have to go work, lolz. The nausea is quite a bummer. But at least I can eat, and I have only thrown up once, thank you medications. Oh and I finally picked up a diclegis prescription today. Insurance denied the generic brand, weird enough, but I paid $0 for brand name. Things i've been craving - boba, fried chicken, blueberry bagel

[anxiouspregnantlady]

6w6d - HI BABY

Ultrasound yesterday and there is totally a baby kicking in there.

Measured 6+4 (sac 6+6), heartbeat 129bpm.

Write more later, but THRILLED.

==

later--

hello from 7w.

it's so sadly blurry but this is from an abdominal ultrasound before 7w, so... pretty amazed we could see the baby and heartbeat so clearly.

point form thoughts

wow they made me wait one hour with a full bladder. i peed. couldn't hold it.

our tech, kim, was the most delightful human ever and made the experience just over the top lovely.

found out i ovulated from my LEFT ovary, which is wild, because i never ever (in several cycles of monitoring) ovulate from the left, always the right. in december my acupunturist commented that my left ovary was 'stuck' (i hadn't said anything!) and i suppose she must have unstuck it with a needle because this baby came from the left y'all

everything points to boy, but i've ordered sneakpeek and we'll find out in a few weeks

couldn't schedule midwife appointment until 9w6d, so i'm in for quite a long wait.

nausea is....yuck. it's being controlled by unisom and b6, but still yuck. it definitely feels better than with p, but i don't know if it's because of the meds or because it's less or both.

very tired. if i do one thing (like get something from the store) i am wiped. i can do that one thing though.

feeling mostly optimistic. sometimes i will spiral and google statistics and stuff. for a random person, having a good heartbeat at 7w is really positive but given my history it might not mean as much. will feel even more reassured after hearing at heartbeat at 10w on the doppler, but overall, the dominant feeling is relief and gratitude and not anxiety

plan for next few weeks - takeout, sewing, climbing videos, calling friends, not trying too hard to work too much erp

thank you universe <3

[anxiouspregnantlady]

6w2d

i'm back and i just want to say

i'm so nauseous and miserable that there had better be a baby kicking in there

[anxiouspregnantlady]

6w1d

OK, this is a bit of a hilarious illustration of what a rollercoaster pregnancy after lots & lots of loss is. but i am feeling a tad bit better. almost 100% because my nausea is back with a vengeance. it definitely feels stronger that last time and last week.

Also, objectively speaking, I have substantial reason to believe that everything will work out. My hcg levels were well above median for healthy pregnancies. I have pregnancy symptoms. I've carried to term before.

I believe in daring to hope. That's what vulnerability is - to let yourself hope. Brene brown stuff. If the outcome were guaranteed, it wouldn't require so much courage. I can't believe I am doing this again. Opening myself to heartbreak, loss, grief, trauma, disappointment, rage. All because I think the potential reward is worth it.

Something interesting that is happening mentally is that I am having nonstop flashbacks to my previous pregnancy when we were in Singapore. I guess my brain is having a bit of deja vu and wanting to process it. This is also the first time I've been through the first trimester twice in such close proximity. Let me tell you, it's weird. It's hard to remember that this is a totally separate pregnancy. Separate egg, separate sperm, different body at a different time. By default I just think, oh, this just happened, and then I went to the ultrasound and there was no baby, so that's what will probably happen. But it isn't logical.

Also good news, my rash is very faded, mostly thanks to steroid cream.

Grateful to be 6 weeks 1 day pregnant. Grateful to be nauseous and tired and burping like it's my Full Time Job. Grateful that we were able to conceive easily and on our own and (gasp) for FREE. That is a huge deal. I guess the rash made me upset because it disrupted this hopeful narrative that my body was ~getting healthier~ now and ~welcoming for a baby~. But it's not black / white. I really think all the effort i have put into resourcing myself paid off. I hate to say it, but I think fertility is not an easily discernable science. I wish it were, and a lot of it can be, but some of it is spiritual, some of it is psychological, and some of it is a bit random.

ALSO I am grateful that because I'm on medicaid I pay exactly $0 for everything. In a lot of ways, it's the best insurance I've ever had.

For the next 4 days (!) until ultrasound, I am focusing on doing good distractions and healthy coping things, like

reading my fiction book (NW by zadie smith)

watching my movie (imitation game)

watching cdrama with karl (meet yourself)

finishing this dress that i started last november - i started sewing again!

cooking/baking

affirmations youtube videos (hypnobirthing with anja and bettina rae)

staying off reddit as much as possible

over & out

[anxiouspregnantlady]

not feeling good

So, today is Tuesday. On Saturday I woke up with a rash all over my body. Sunday went to urgent care, monday paid out of pocket to see a dermatologist. They think it's a viral rash, related to me being sick the previous week, combined with stress.

I still have the rash, it's itchy, though it seems to have subsided a little. It looks super freaky.

I feel like I must have hurt my pregnancy. My body mounted a terrific autoimmune response. I don't feel as nauseous or tired. I feel quite a lot of dread. But I couldn't have really done anything differently.

I managed to move up my ultrasound to next Monday. I'll be 6w5d. I just want to know sooner.

But honestly...not feeling super optimistic right now. :(

[anxiouspregnantlady]

hello again

Hi. Um, yeah, I'm pregnant.

I had the miscarriage around Christmas and then a period towards the end of Jan. We weren't originally planning to try that cycle, but had a halfhearted change of heart, kind of "eh", when I realized I was about to ovulate.

This month has been so full of craziness (sickness all around, k's job interviews, me consolidating jobs), I didn't think too too much about the possibility of being pregnant. Obviously I didn't not think about it, but it wasn't top of mind. I had labs drawn around 7dpo because I wanted to check my testosterone & DHEA-S levels (really low, but double what it used to be) to see if I should continue my supplements. Other labs confirmed I'd ovulated.

I was expecting my period on a Saturday, and on Friday night I thought I saw the faintest of faint pink, or peachy orange really, when I wiped. We discussed the possibility of calling our fertility clinic on Monday to do an out-of-pocket IUI cycle.

But then Saturday came and went and I had no bleeding. Sunday came and went - still no bleeding. By Sunday I was started to get a bit nauseous and I had all my weird pregnancy symptoms: sore boobs, burping nonstop, acid reflux. I think I was hesitant to test because I just couldn't believe it would be positive, and a good positive at that. I've never had the "classic" experience of girl misses period, girl takes test, test is blazing positive, happily ever after. I'm either testing out my trigger or testing after the bloodwork results are out lol. Or testing negative, or testing really really faint for a chemical pregnancy.

K made me test. I took the cheapie strip pictured the minute we put P to bed. Lo and behold. Instant strong positive. We were SO HAPPY :) I was shaking and crying a lot - could hardly believe it. I didn't even know I could have a proper pregnancy unassisted, let alone so quickly. This was 18dpo. I sprung (as I do) into action and purchased a $28 hcg blood test for the next day (got a 20% discount coupon, too).

I think I was really, really happy for about 24-36 hours. Other than the fact that the test looked so nice and dark, I couldn't really explain it. I was surprised that anxiety hadn't shown up for a full day. I did my labwork the next day, plus the FRER, which bummed me out a little because I'd hoped it would be a bit more dramatic, but it was still a good test line.

On Tuesday I went for acupuncuture. I was a little nervous to tell my acupuncturist because she'd told me to wait 6 months to try. But she was so happy for me, and I teared up a little bit. She told me in her merry way that it was a boy (lol) based on my pulse. At this point I was pretty nauseous, could barely eat two bites of my croissant that morning. When I finished my appointment I got in the car and saw that my labwork results were in. It took forever to load and I couldn't find the result on the pdf report. And then I finally saw that it was 1,361 (at 19dpo), and I got really happy again. Called Karl ecstatically. This is so much higher than it was last go-around - 289 at 18dpo - and about the same as with Phillipa, 981 at 18dpo.

Thursday I had a telehealth appointment with my midwife Lisa, who literally just did an endometrial biopsy for me 3 weeks ago. She was also so happy to see me. She gave me a script for an ultrasound and encouraged me to come in earlier for my first appointment if I wanted to.

Today is Friday. I've made my ultrasound appointment - first available one that I can plausibly go to is March 19th - which is a full week later than I was hoping. I'll be 7w6d, or almost 8w.

Today I'm 5w2d. I feel TERRIBLE. I'm surprised by the exhaustion. I cannot stay awake. I can barely get through work, or driving, or anything really. I am nauseous, more powerfully so than last time, but not throwing up yet. It's early days. Those are probably the main two. Oh hang on, headaches. Bleaugh. Those have been pretty bad.

Overall, my strategy is NO REDDIT and PRESUME ALL IS WELL.

I am also very thirsty / drinking a lot of water + electrolytes. So far I can drink bone broth. K bought me a giant thing of cape cod salt and vinegar chips - THE BEST.

Interestingly, I have no desire to partake in my bumpers group this time. It all feels really tired. Like, I've seen it all before, it's kind of annoying.

I am focusing on being kind of SELFISH and making sure i get the rest and support i need. I am also trying to skate by at work, which has been such a struggle.

OK, getting way too tired from writing this. Going to nap before I have to pick P.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

bye bye baby

i think i've been afraid to write here, to make it feel real, but last thursday we had our u/s and discovered a 6+4 sac with a yolk sac (maybe an amniotic sac??? i think?) and - no baby. of course i feel grief & anger & numbness but also - the relief is unreal. it feels good to know.

so many thoughts.

i'll start with technical things... finally got an hcg done on sat and it was 15499 so more consistent with 6w. waiting on monday's value. had another ultrasound this morning and the sac shrank perhaps ever so slightly but otherwise same. they were (in my opinion) unreasonably concerned about ectopic b/c of a cyst on my right ovary but i always have a cyst on my right ovary and i'm not medical but .uh. isn't that the corpus luteum (also i happen to know that i ovulated from the right).

care-wise. i continue to be so grateful for LWC midwives, they have been absolutely lovely. both u/s techs have been ok. there is apparently a NP midwife at LWC who expressly does early pregnancy loss stuff (!) so i have felt medically taken care of.

i had an itch to want to see if i could do tissue testing on the miscarriage but am probably leaning away from it - too much trouble, worried about scarring, worried about billing (esp without good health insurance). i'll just never know.

i have a strong suspicion that an embryo did form this time, we just caught it too late and it had already stopped developing & had been reabsorbed. i was quite nauseous (still a bit nauseous) & we didn't get a yolk sac last time. and there looked to me like there was an amniotic sac, though it was empty. and it's just a hunch.

i've been so tired, both jetlagged but also just grief. at 5-6 pm i lose the ability to stay awake entirely. you couldn't pay me enough money to stay awake. i just lose consciousness wherever i am. and again after p "puts me to bed" at 8pm i cannot get myself out of bed and sleep for 15, 30, 45 minutes. And then when midnight rolls around i absolutely cannot sleep, i take melatonin, baths, etc. and p has been up at weird hours anyway, crying mama, mama, mama.

showing up to work has been ... well, it's been a miracle that i have been. i did cancel a thursday night appointment after the u/s but other than that i've been fudging my way through, trying not to let show how raw and bruised and completely depleted i am.

k has been wonderful. he is keeping me going. p somewhat understands what is happening. yesterday during bath she announced she had a baby in her belly, and then plucked it out and said she was putting it in mama's belly. she knows mama is going to the doctor a lot and always asks if i am still hurting. i told her the baby is gone. i don't know how to walk this line between being honest with her and protecting her. i kind of think that she must understanding the workings of embryonic life/nonlife better than me, being that much more proximate developmentally/spiritually. only a few years ago she was also in the womb! but she is generally still her happy, curious, thriving little self, and we keep thinking how depressed we would be without her.

sigh.

it was too good to be true.

i only asked the universe for one more baby.

i think, maybe even more than wanting to have this baby, i wanted to never ever ever have to fucking go through this again.

(but i did really want to have this baby)

i am back in the world of Not Knowing. i don't know how many more pregnancies i will have or how many tries it will take to have those pregnancies, or how many weeks each of the pregnancies will last. i still don't know! why! my! body! can't! carry most pregnancies to term!

k thinks maybe we were just too sick and stressed from all kinds of bugs (including covid) and from the 40 hours of travel and 13hr timezone changes and his loss of employment and loss of insurance. and that's why we miscarried. i don't think the line is so clear, but i think one big takeaway from this whole thing is: i need mothering. in my desire to mother another child (and in my struggle to mother the one i already have), i sorely need mothering. i need a warm, generous, wise, and proximate figure to be keeping tabs on me - i need to be on their radar - i need their hugs, hot drinks, meals, nurture, comfort, advice, solace, confidence, life experience.

so my body is still clinging to this pregnancy (coming up on 9 weeks), and i suspect it will be awhile before I start bleeding. maybe christmas.

and then?

and then we are definitely going to take a break. there is (just a bit) less hurry this time - we have our hands full - and i do want to develop some better habits re: nourishing myself, caring for myself. i've barely eaten in the past 5 weeks. and anyway we are going to wait for k to get a job and new health insurance, and we are focusing on some other dreams too.

and then i want to do a bit of testing, maybe a hysteroscopy/endometrial biopsy, a few clotting tests that we missed, re-check my thyroid, etc. have a WTF appointment w dr. kelly/make a plan.

and then we'll see. immediately after i got the news i felt strongly that i could never go through this again, or risk going through again. i felt that we would just have to walk the path of accepting that we were done growing our family. it felt good to be like, HELL yah we won't contribute to overpopulation or subject our unborn child to this mess. but that doesn't really resonate... i still really want to try. to have a child and to raise them so that it is worth it.

so many things hurt about this. hella everyone is pregnant or giving birth. i hate the dejavu with our first pregnancy, feels stuck/stagnant & like we are destined to be in and out of sad ultrasound appointments. feel like we wasted our trip.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

7w

hello--quick update, though not that much to say. nausea has kicked up a notch, came close to throwing up in the middle of dim sum lunch today, but i still believe it's a *bit* milder than the last go around. i am barely functional. i am very tired, could probably fall asleep anytime i lie down (which is extremely abnormal for me), napping most days with P, needing to be in bed before or around 10pm. nipples are still a bit sore though possibly less intense. still breastfeeding, a bit of a qn mark there. other than that, maybe very mild heartburn, dizzy more easily, constipated, weird dreams.

i still vacillate between optimism and spiraling, though it's good that i am vacillating and not totally spiraling.

counting down the days to my ultrasound next week.

p is my meditation. i look at her and think about the fact that - i made her - she is beautiful - she made me a mama - my body is capable - i have her even if this pregnancy doesn't work out - she was worth the wait, and the next one will be too, regardless of how long the wait is - oh god we're going to be so tired.

have been trying b6 and not very sure if it's working. will get my hands on some unisom once stateside.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

6w! still here

so far, alternating between confidence and spiraling. mostly dependent on how nauseous i'm feeling. i had some days of feeling mostly normal, but yesterday felt quite a bit worse especially in the morning. mostly feel ok from lunch to dinner time.

so far, i've had a virtual appointment with my midwife and they gave ma a script for an ultrasound so i've booked it for 12/7. feels so freaking uncanny that i also had a first trimester ultrasound on 12/7 but in 2018 for our first ever pregnancy. it wasn't good news. also my LMP then was 10/16/2018 and this time it's 10/15/2023 but i ovulated waaaay earlier (day 12?13? instead of day 26/27).

in the meantime, jetlag is utterly kicking my butt. i can't help but sleep at 8pm with p, then i get up between 12-2am and try really hard to sleep again.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

5w - completely and totally spiraling

hi. i am actually on a plane. the flight is 18h long. p is fast asleep next to me. i have wifi and i have been using this luxury to scroll on reddit and go into complete spiral mode about this pregnancy.

nothing really has changed - i still only have my two beta numbers, which feel concerningly low (albeit in normal range) and which doubled reassuringly but somehow not quite reassuringly enough. like, i would've loved for it to triple. i am a bit less queasy, more hungry, but whatever. trying not to overthink it. my nipples are on fire. breastfeeding is torture.

anyway i'm either 4+6 or 5 today, not sure, plus have to compute timezone change. i think it could go either way at this point. the moment i resolve to accept the uncertainty ahead of me + enjoy the present moment + be grateful for the accomplishment that is even being pregnant, something in my brain goes NOPE WE SHOULD SPIRAL INSTEAD. adding to the anxiety is the fact that we won't be able to get an ultrasound until 8w (when we get back home). though i don't know if i would've wanted to go in right at 6w anyway, so it's only really an extra week's delay.

i could miscarry while on vacation -- that would be quite something, and it also would be very deja vu, since that's what happened our very first pregnancy. uncertain whether i want to tell people, am leaning on the side of not.

what do i want to remember? i want to remember that my body grew p r l. but that's a trap too because i think back to how much higher my betas were with her. i want to remember that we learned that ovidrel is how i get pregnant & that that info is going to be really useful moving forward. no internet person can tell me whether or not this pregnancy is going to be viable. hell, even my doctor can't tell me. but on that note, i want to remember that my very VERY experienced and reknowned reproductive endocrinologist doctor was NOT concerned with my labwork and did NOT want me to bother getting a follow up beta. i need to be humble and remember that i don't have a freakin medical degree even if i feel like i do. i want to remember that whether i spiral or not doesn't actually affect the oucome of the pregnancy so i might as well not.

this trip has been so many months in the making & is such an investment in time and money and is also so potentially meaningful!!! for so many reasons. it's going to be really tough to be able to stay present enough to enjoy at least some of it, but i suppose i have to try.

dear baby,

are u there? is it your time yet? i dunno. you have a big sis eagerly awaiting your arrival but if you don't want to come yet i get it because the world is.a hot mess. i feel so selfish for wanting you sometimes.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

nov 15 - 4w5d?

Got second beta draw yesterday, everything looked excellent progression-wise. I still feel nervous that the numbers are on the lower end of normal. But doubling time was 43h which is totally good, totally normal, Dr. kelly thinks i'm good to go, no need for a third draw. That's good, right?

Still continuing to be very dizzy/lightheaded/exhausted, started having heartburn (very mild). The nausea waxes and wanes, though even at its most intense I'd say still a 2 or a 3. Anxiously monitoring every day. I still get hungry. Poop is a bit constipated.

Oh, breastfeeding hurts. So. Much.

I called my midwife practice and booked an appointment for just before Christmas. Asking them if I can get an ultrasound around 8w.

I was happy for a bit yesterday after the bloodwork but still feeling quite uncertain/not confident about the pregnancy, reading way too much reddit, finding it hard to keep up with regular life.

I'm going to put the odds of a live birth around 75-80% at this point. Good odds, but not enough. All there is to do is wait. I'm trying hard to enjoy being pregnant for right now. I'm grateful that this happened relatively easily/quickly. Regardless of what happens, I can be kind to myself.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

nov 12th - still pregnant.

hi. it's been quite the week. wednesday's beta number was 42, which made me really sad and feel that everything was over. but test lines continue to darken, and yesterday (saturday) i had a dye stealer on FRER. also, i feel really pregnant aka really ill. lightheaded, queasy, exhausted, and just off. also, it occured to me that i don't know when i could've ovulated, best bet is 10/26 but it could easily be 10/27 so the beta number could be 12 or 13dpo which is still so early i guess.

but whenever i make these counterarguments to spiraling i always feel like i am just vainly looking for false hope.

ANYWAY, the facts are: i'm still pregnant, i feel like crap, my lines are nice and dark, i have another hcg test tomorrow, i'll know more on tuesday.

complication - we'll be overseas for the next three weeks.

but we'll take it one step at a time.

i'm giving this pregnancy a chance.