anxious-homo

[anxious-homo]

update: my mom has breast cancer. she had a double mastectomy performed less than a week ago. my sister (who i love, but can’t ever get along with) is currently staying with us as she recovers. she’s bulimic as well. i know this is terrible to say, but she triggers me in the best ways possible. she eats constantly. cookies, take out, cupcakes, and ice cream. she thinks she’s sly. she takes long showers after huge binges. but what triggers me the most is that she’s still thick. her thighs are huge and she doesn’t work out consistently.

i watch and feel better about myself. i restrict daily. i only allow myself to eat when it’s absolutely necessary and even then i purge afterwards in hopes that i don’t gain any thing.

i’m still not sober. i sneak medicine from my mom who is no longer using xanax but is continuing to get her refills. i feel guilty but i also don’t know any other way to survive.

if i don’t eat i can’t sleep. if i don’t take adderall i can’t so much as get out of bed. if i don’t take xanax my mind never shuts down.

it’s a mess.

but on the bright side, im down to 158.

[anxious-homo]

to the friend in my head:

i’ve been inactive for 6 months. in those six months i reached my ugw, went broke, broke my jaw, lost my sense of reality, destroyed my closest friendships, broke my arm, overdosed and escaped death, went to rehab, got sober, started recovery, gained 60 pounds, and relapsed.

i’m now at 184.4lb and i’m taking ozempic unprescribed. it’s literally a miracle drug. if you’re a fellow bulimic, it’s the closest you’ll get to a cheat code. i’m taking 2mg which is the highest dose and it’s a fucking beast. the first week i could hardly keep gatorade down. i’m in my second week on it and it’s still hard to gauge what my body will accept. i drank a cold water bottle yesterday morning and 5 minutes later it came directly back up because I was so nauseous. i’m literally surviving on caffeine, zero sugar gatorade, and water.

my parents have noticed i’ve stopped eating, stopped going to the kitchen, stopped cleaning my room. they cleaned my room while i was at work and completely searched the entire room every single inch. they didn’t find anything though. i made a small cut in my pillow and stuffed the ozempic, xanax, and ambien in there. my heart actually raced as i checked to make sure everything was still there and lord behold, there it was: my little blue pieces of serenity and the holy grail.

im in a manic episode and i realize that.

but i also know i walk a fine line. relapse isn’t an event, it’s a process. it’s only a matter of time before 2-3 footballs aren’t enough. only a matter of time before i start needing it to leave the house. only a matter of time before i’m back at the beginning. 2 months clean, harder than i could’ve ever imagined. now it’s down the drain.

skinny

scary skinny

when i left chicago that’s what they said. you’re scary skinny. you don’t eat at all or you eat everything and then take a long shower. fuck off. god. everything they said was true. if they hadn’t kicked me out i would’ve died in chicago. i had given myself psychosis. i could hear everything and i convinced myself everyone around me could hear my thoughts. i twitched and developed a habit of biting my bottom lip raw. i rarely left my room and when i did i was always up to something stupid like scrubbing the bathroom floor spotless or rearranging the living room furniture. in my spouts of depression i wouldn’t leave my bed for days, calling in to work sick. i was sick. i am sick. but i have to live. no matter what goes through my head, i have to live.

i have to live for my family. my parents, my sisters, my future husband and children.

this life isn’t looking very bright, but i have to have hope because i have to live. there is no alternative.

so, i diet. i starve my body in hope that i’ll be saved by the perfect kiss. (that was a midnights reference, i literally left rehab early so that i wouldn’t miss my show)

[anxious-homo]

ahhh i’m back on my bullshit

[anxious-homo]

This picture will be the death of me I stg

[anxious-homo]

i think my ED is worse than my xanax addiction/adderall addictin but i’m not complaining, idagf if i have no money for food, i will starve AND be high

[anxious-homo]

fit into a 29w pant… everything is going according to plan, i will get a man in chicago.

[anxious-homo]

random ramblings

every time someone comments on my weight loss, i spiral down the most destructive path of thoughts. like you're right, i have lost a lot of weight. and if i keep going, the compliments will continue to roll in. but if I stop, and i start gaining, will you still view me the same? it's this constant battle in my head of wanting to recover, but being terrified of how people's perception of me will change when becoming thin has become the most interesting thing about me. but i'm also so fucking tired. the only things keeping me going at this point is the constant validation from society and the numbers on the scale dropping.

[anxious-homo]

[anxious-homo]

[anxious-homo]

moved back home and my mom is single handedly keeping me active. she constantly compliments me on how much better i look thinner and tries to tell me what i should or shouldn't be eating in order to stay thin. "you don't want to get fat." girl you are nearly 300 pounds. i think i know what i'm doing but ty for the encouragement, it just gave me the push i needed to fast for the next 72 hours.

[anxious-homo]

see the thing abt me is, i cant just not smoke weed. i tried and i literally can’t so i need to buy more heathy snacks bc b&p is not the vibe. fucking throat hurts so bad and i can NOT have bad teeth

[anxious-homo]

Xavier Serrano

[anxious-homo]

didn’t binge when i was drunk

[anxious-homo]

getting absolutely plastered off malibu and diet coke. i refuse to look up how many calories malibu has. it’s doing the job that’s all that matters.

[anxious-homo]

i don't think you understand, i would sell my soul to the devil to have his body

#michael yerger

[anxious-homo]

Nacho Penín photographed by Cole Fawcett

[anxious-homo]

I want to look like this man 😭