anonymouswasawoman - Tumblr blog

anonymouswasawoman · 7 years

Text

Invisible voyeurism

My observation of the 'dancing' industry this side of the Atlantic, a few short digressions about Hollywood, and why #meToo? Strap in and strap up because we have been living in these contradictions for far too long. I’m not a Madonna or a whore, nor have I ever been.

5/11/2017

My birthday

It has recently come to my attention through a series of significant events, including Hugh Hefner's death, and Harvey Weinstein's downfall- which highlights an issue coined by Emma Thompson as 'a crisis of extreme masculinity', and defended by Woody Allen, who fears a 'witch-hunt atmosphere'- for a man and men in general who don't know how to keep their hands to themselves- that there may be a topic for discussion regarding my unique position in the current gender climate. I did not initially write this as a comment on the Weinstein situation, fearing, not only being seen as someone who is jumping on the bandwagon, or coming out of the woodwork, but simply because I wrote the bones of this article before it happened, wanting to comment on the cultural aftershock of Playboy magazines creation. After the scandal, I felt obligated to #meToo. There is a reason so many women are 'coming out of the woodwork'. It is because this is endemic. It is because we should follow suit, if we want to regain the respect and trust we were pressed to lose for ourselves when we saw any type of this behaviour either as necessary, commonplace, or 'just a bit of fun'. To all the ‘uninterested’ or ‘unaffected’ women out there, let me stop you and say that you should remember that you have a duty to women in general. To any male readers: “Human rights are women's rights, and women's rights are human rights,” Hilary Clinton.

I have been victim to this kind of conduct, seeing it, almost in a clinical way, as entirely necessary, not only if I wanted to feel, somehow, illogically, safe in my environment (a strip club- if you hadn't guessed), but also, more alarmingly, able to keep my job. While the imminent issue at hand is, indeed Harvey Weinstein's 'pestering' of women and girls of all ages, I want to question this from my perspective, as I am not a semi-famous, or famous actress hoping to advance somehow in Hollywood, yet I am still stuck in this web of ignored bad behaviour working on what you could say is 'the front line', where everything is as exaggerated as it is allowed to be, despite the signs stating in Caps: No touching, No swearing, No prepostitioning, No shouting and No mobile phones. Hugh Hefner's death made me question whether Playboy still determines the standards of this industry, or any which sells seduction and implies the selling of sex, and whether the working conditions of dancers are affected by this standard. Whether he was pioneering or damaged, and still is damaging progression, so this relates to my (some would say unfortunate and powerless) situation and occupation. It also raises the question of the self-destructive nature of female sexuality. It raises the question to me about whether I am a weak woman & it makes me think about what queen Elizabeth said in 1588; "I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king"

It appears to me that in order to create a fair and 'safe' discussion space, we must not only talk about the 'crisis of extreme masculinity', but also question whether there is too, a mirrored crisis of extreme femininity, and who is to blame for this, who is in power, and who is allowing who is in power to engage in such acts, in order to achieve acclaim and/ or financial security. Whether we have reached peak fake ass fake tits fish lips threshold; or whether that is a (sub)culture which can live on without repercussions for the wider gender conscious community. The question is; is it avoidable, as a woman, to be a part of this sexist culture, are we all participating, like the citizens of Germany did under Nazi rule? I say to myself that I wont be affected, again, like I was when my boss fired me for not 'going away with him', or took me upstairs to 'smoke' 'on the balcony', but that wasn't the first time and it may not be the last that I called my morals into question. I questioned why I allowed this to continue, engaging with him, not crossing any moral lines, as far as I was concerned, but not removing myself from the situation. I question why I still don't want to completely tear his reputation to shreds by naming names and even talking about this right now, and who I am trying to protect by not doing so- him or myself? Emma Thompson said that someone needs to be the one who will speak up and name names but who wants to be a snowflake in this situation? Who wants to be the bad sport? Is naming names really what we need? Is this what woody Allen meant by witch hunt? Maybe I am discrediting this article and #meToo movement by not naming names like the women who named Weinstein, but I am not trying to shake up the life of a man who was living as it was (arguably, in a way) acceptable at the time and in that place, I am trying to shake up the establishment which makes this acceptable. Maybe the fact that Weinstein has been named is enough, for now, in that it has created this tornado of shit for the biggest image fearing industry in the world today. I question if I was just another girl who wanted to gain something from the older man with reputation, power and wealth. Maybe I wanted the Midas touch, and maybe that's what these women who obliged sacrificed their dignity at the time for too. Maybe you're a better woman than me if you didn't oblige. Maybe it was circumstance. Maybe that's why individual name naming is in some cases worthless, and in my case arbitrary and perhaps even damaging for the girls I've worked with.

Either way, I will end this specific discussion here, telling you that I believed that if I were to continue on in life, stable, secure, and respected, I had to allow this to happen. I knew that I was singled out for a reason, so it was my own ego and sense of pride that told me to endure. Men do not experience this choice. And it is this choice I have to come to terms with. Perhaps men experience the choice to risk being viewed as a perpetrator, as Harvey Weinstein is now, in order to further their career, and get massages from young girls, but he is never faced with the issue that, if he does not, his career will be harmed, I believe. I could end this article here, but I would rather open up the discussion about how women can perpetuate this behaviour in men, and whether we are to blame for this choice between our own idea of ourselves and our dignity, and whether the sacrifices are or have been inescapable because of our culture. Perhaps we will never come to a conclusion but at least we are talking.

Questioning sexuality is essentially the most important way of questioning humanity. I think that since up until the last decade, arguably, we were separated into two genders makes it therefore the most uniting way of questioning humanity. I'm not trying to talk about transgender issues although that is somewhat on the same agenda when we are talking about sexuality; specifically female- I am trying to question humanity and therefore the meaning of life. I think that there is no meaning of life, only the right way and the wrong. Mine is still wrong even though I know this fact. My world is a world where they put us on a pedestal for our beauty, femininity, and sexuality. However volatile this pedestal is, and despite the fact that we know that these men are stood at the base of it holding onto it and rattling it evermore violently, we continue to stand because these are three thrilling things we are not able to obtain simultaneously or indeed individually in our daily lives because we are not able to uphold the best parts about being a woman when we are not regarded as a delicacy any more. No, it's not that we are not a delicacy, and it's not an innocence we have lost, it's the previous hitherto lack of knowledge that humans lack humanity whenever money is present. This job is wanting to be one of these ruthless people, but feeling intensely uncomfortable with the notion of doing so and defeated by not being able to. These people have never experienced what it is to lose and then continue to lose solely because you are in a vicious cycle of losing. We may have any number wins on our hands but the world is not a feminine one.

I would like to help you represent the subjugated girls of this underground occupation who have been quietly forgotten about by general society, because we can. I have only ever worked in one club, in Liverpool, so I have loyalties to the girls and management there, despite any negative experiences, and I hope there is an answer for all the girls, who are scraping by in an occupation and industry which no longer has any glamour and freedom attached to it because we forgot to fight for them in the midst of our hair shaving, bra burning, armpit hair sporting feminist revolution. I understand that these two ways of life and the girls that live them are ideologically at odds, and sisterhood is involved, but we could have the decency to expect more for the girls who are forced into these roles by their circumstances, surely that is what feminism is about. I am a (as staunch I can be without being awful) feminist, but as women I feel as though we may be at a point where we have to accept compromise somehow, like we do in relationships, because if nature is anything to go by, the Alpha will a lot of the time be male, with the women as the prizes and baby makers.

This brings to light the question of whether, as predators, we are pack animals, and whether the male is always the Alpha, guarding territory and defending his right, as a male, to protect the females. This motivation by sensual, physical, or carnal appetites is something that I feel is somehow binded to the discussion in this article, how animal instincts can affect human behaviour and its impact upon gender equality. The top wrung of our society does well to perpetuate this idea of the male Alpha. Don't get me wrong I like Future and Kanye West but their song "I won", talking about "you the number one trophy wife", happens to be really good and listenable, yet it is misogynistic to its core. My mum calls most black rap music "shouty rap", and indeed there is anger and oppression also at its core, and so there should be. I don't want to cross over into the issue of race but maybe the two are intrinsically linked. This is a very fine line to be treading on or over, but these are issues which call to be discussed, in connection with womens issues. Maybe writers who strip or strippers who write are not a common combination, and I hesitate to call myself a Stripper anyway, since the word, I feel, has become definitive of Woman who has no power, similar to the way 'Negro' did to black people, before they claimed it as their own. But back to the music, Kim Kardashian, who we all know is married to Kanye West, is potentially said Trophy, but this is a woman who has earned her own fame and fortune. We all know that she earned it by having sex with Ray J on camera, except when the time comes to choose who is the woman of the year, Caitlin Jenner, her step-father, is chosen, for completing gender-reassignment surgery with an overwhelming audience, and apparently becoming a role model to women because of it. If anything she should be a role model to men! People only knew of Caitlin, née Bruce Jenner, because of her appearances in Keeping up with the Kardashians', and for winning a gold medal at the Olympics. Please do not somehow take this as a dismissal of Caitlyns' bravery. In my opinion she just would have been more of a role model to transgender people if she had been more clear that she was not trying to be a role model only to women, but also to men, as all trans stories should resonate equally with both sexes, as it is not a struggle with being one sex, it is a struggle with being the wrong sex. It is a struggle with sexuality in general, not a struggle with either sexuality separately. It felt to me as though Caitlyn was accepting this Women's award simply because she had been led down that route by the fame and fortune of her family. It may have been more empowering to the transgender community if she had said, I won't accept this award on the basis that I am not a woman, I am a trans woman, and that has a struggle entirely seperate and arguably more difficult than that of a woman born in a womans' body who is still a woman. The Kardashians seemed to me to be all too keen to cash in on Caitlyns' struggle, by making it about them, and how it felt ‘from their perspectives’, N.b. Kardashians not Jenner’s, which is why I feel she would have done her struggle more justice if she had not taken her platform on the world stage for granted by simply saying she can be a role model to transgender people just because she managed to transition in the public eye and with all the scrutiny that the Kardashian family is under. Family values is something that the Kardashians have always kept at the top of their agenda which is why I was surprised when such an important part of their whole empire was treated with such suspicion. However, it is obviously difficult for me to be impartial, I just wanted to make a comment on an issue which is equally as important as and entirely connected to the issue of womens rights. Treading on thin ice, and with that aside, I know I'm going around in circles and with Trump as the president of America, there is no need to dispute the misogyny of our/their society, but there is a need to dispute who big brands employ as their role models, and there is a need to question blind faith.

Having said that, I like to have dinner bought for me even if it means I pretty much have to have sex with him at the end of the date no questions asked, but I will be the one to cut ties, because I think this is where our control comes in. Let me rephrase that, I have had dinner bought for me and had sex with him at the end of the date no questions asked, but I was the one to cut ties, because that is where my control came in. I met a guy in work, and danced for him, and there wasn't any question of who would pay for dinner, it was basically already decided before we got there because we both knew what we wanted from each other. Obviously I offered, though.

I understand that the paradoxical question is; how can we expect men to be okay with paying for our dinner if our wages are equal? But wages are not equal so does that then change the question to; How can we expect men to gladly pay for our dinner if sex is off the menu? If sex is on the menu, then, how can we expect men to want to have sex with us if we do not present ourselves as sexy? But then when you turn that on its head, it becomes a question about rape; How can we expect men to not want to have sex with us if we do present ourselves as sexy? And if you expand the ideology further, it becomes a sales technique: How can we expect people to buy from our company if we are not selling sex? These are no longer questions, they are just expectations, and they start at the top. We should have bigger expectations of brands to not do the obvious and put a rich white privileged girl with famous parents who therefore has millions of instagram followers, who stands for nothing of importance, as their brand ambassador.

So, should I feel weak for letting him pay for my dinner and using sex to repay him, when society is tipped in his favour? Do men and women not need to go on an equal amount of dates in order to find love? How am I supposed to pay for all of these dates when you earn more than me? Does you paying for my meal automatically mean homeboy should get it, or am I being too polite?

I have always hoped that this wouldn't be the case for women but writing this article I had a depressing thought that in a lot of cases in nature, monkeys, lions and wolves to name a few, without having done further research, the females have a role which is non-negotiable. I just wonder if we have plateaued somewhat with feminist progression, but perhaps it is just the way we are viewing it and attempting to progress. Maybe its easy for us to believe that we could start from the top down not the bottom up, but women with money don't need equal rights as much as girls like me who feel oppression on a daily level. Jennifer Lawrence doesn't need that extra 10 million as much as my friends need to not feel outnumbered and unsafe in their workplace. I think we are all confused about how things are to change accordingly when our wages do, and about what we can do on our level, which doesn't involve tweeting about which male member of staff tried to hit on you or came onto you in the lift or at the Christmas party. Or, from a mans perspective, not joking with your female colleaugues for fear for saying something un-PC. I know I sound anti-men but just because we bear the children and have less physical strength, should you be allowed to have expectations of me which are not morally defensible? Its these ingrained expectations you have to change. Real chivalry is opening doors, pulling out chairs, and lending me your jacket, but what if I don't expect that? And anyway, isn't part of that just being well-mannered? You earn more than me, so should dinner not be something I am entitled to, until you agree that you should hand over some of your well earned cash and title as CEO to me, or another woman, just as deserving of the role and the pay, as you? Speaking theoretically ofcourse. As men, in light of this whole situation, it seems it has become necessary to ask yourself, on what level have you participated in this culture of belittlement? There is obviously a spectrum, and it is understandable that this is confusing for men as well as women. There's a viral tweet going round of a comedian called Peter White offering advice to men on how to behave: "I think the golden rule for men should be: if you're a man, don't say anything to a woman on the street that you wouldn't want a man saying to you in prison." While the sincerity of this quote is questionable, seeing as most men won't see themselves in that situation, it helps to lighten the mood, when the real scenario is that one day it could be your daughter whose career is disrupted, or whose worth is demeaned by creepy advances from a higher ranking male colleague. As a man, you should not let yourself be lulled into a false sense of self-security because you have never assaulted or raped a woman. There is a spectrum. Turning a blind eye still makes you complicit.

I feel as though it is weak for me to say that as Women, in expecting equal pay, equal power and in a way, equal rights, we have to wait for men to accept our sexual equality, however, it seems to me that its not only men who are not able to adjust and account for this change yet. Women still want to get their nails done, their hair blow dried, and do sparkly eyeshadow, which is all fine by me, especially when their partner gets his beard trimmed and styled, puts cream on his face at night, and tries on her clothes when shes away for the weekend. But I think that the void of equality opens when a woman accepts something she can not repay, maybe not literally, maybe non-physically, a kind of spiritual debt, thereby consigning herself to an antiquated gender role, eg, at a base level: you have paid for me to get my nails done so I will pick up your dirty underwear/ wash it for you. In a strip club, this could be: you have bought me a drink, so I will turn a blind eye when you put your arm around my waist or try to touch me during a dance. The kind of women and girls that allow themselves to be treated this way are the kind of women and girls that allow other women and girls to be viewed as the lesser sex, as it could be said that this is, in some way, solicited honourably by the man's kindness. I feel as though we have all, in some way, been guilty of this, and this is where the spectrum comes in for women. We are turning a blind eye to our own position of inequality. It could be said that we do it for comfort, an easy life, but, from my perspective, I did it because I didn't want to sit in the corner with a face on because men are pigs and all I want from them is their money, and I wish to GOD THEY WOULD JUST SHUT the fuck up and stop asking me why a pretty girl like me is still single.

The catch-22 of this whole situation is that the girls who are being forced into jobs like stripping are not able to help themselves. The beauty of this is that neither are the girls in the opposite extreme, wildly pushing feminist ideologies, getting locked up and pushed out for it. Maybe this means they should work together and be less suspicious of each other. Maybe we should start, as educated women, by seeing what it would be like if the Pleaser shoe were on the other foot. I don't mean do a pole dancing class, I mean go to a strip club and get a lap dance, or even just for a drink, however much it hurts to see girls feel that level of oneness with their own repelling urges. The reality of it is that this oneness with ourselves is not optional as a stripper. We are nothing but the way we look, so owning it is necessary. Making girls who come in to the strip club feel uncomfortable is the only way we can have power over them, but the only girls that we desire to have power over are the ones who take our money from us, come in with a group of guys and command all of their attention by bending over the table in their mesh tops and camo mini skirts, dancing like they're a Stripper. If you do take me up on this, don't be one of these girls. If you don't take me up on this, don't be one of these girls...

So, this is my self-indulgent, self-centred, #meToo piece, because I think, at a time like this women can afford to think of themselves and say how they've been damaged, and not care about who thinks its inconvenient. Having said that, I think consciousness-raising exercises like #MeToo only work when we combat them in our daily lives, and silence means nothing changes, so I am sticking a probe right into the wound, into the cold hard long days nights that we've worked, come home with pimples on our bums, and had to watch the water run dark and dirty off our skin, had to wash all of our clothes to make sure that the unclean doesn't mix with our daily lives because that was not us, it was not a release, it was finding a way to move when we were in chains, and sometimes the only place we could move was wrapped around a pole, or, less literally, tied to the floor. I am writing because I hope that one day period supplies could be free, and the abortion pill could be taken at home, and maybe so that I could play a part in helping more women come into the positions of power they deserve through hard work, to be in. I am writing because America shouldn't have a president who thinks he can 'grab women by the pussy'. I am writing because this occupation still exists, in all its hypocrisy. I am writing because this job will make you hard, it will make you feed on your softness, on your own young soft flesh, it will make you cut yourself on camera in return for credit, and cash. This world is men gazing at how much we are able and willing to degrade ourselves, and enjoying it too much to help us to stop. It's about how highly we regard ourselves versus how much we want something which isn't ours. It's not dancing it's love addiction. The only thing harder to come by than money is love in here. So that's what I never forget to aim for. I never forget that feeling love is my primary objective. I never forget that I'm still here because I would rather feel my heart beating, than feel it's pulse quickly slow each day, colder, each day I work 9 to 5 knowing that my rung on the ladder is that of someone who has earned a hell of a lot less in life than I have. What is the path of less resistance? There is less resistance waking up each day better than the last only to lose it all again at the weekend, that's why years go by and the girls find themselves at once older and less desirable but still with the exact same problems. I'm not saying I want to help everybody. I just don't want to not show love to them because that will make me weak and painful. My expense then for not being ruthless, is that I don't make enough to escape. I wouldn't like to be a loveless entity so I keep on keeping me because you can't see me here.

Here’s where I get passionate. I’m writing this because what is activism without activity? What is activity without activism? Oh well done you went to this place and wore a dress by this designer and then you posed for a picture of it on your Instagram. Well fucking done. Are you aware what the hell message is that sending? That you’re vapid and only care about yourself. Not saying don’t go places and do things and take photos of it, I’m just saying you could consider doing it for a cause. Activism isn’t posting a lil message in your Instagram captions about how sad and disappointed you are that America still houses Nazis, or that you think guns should be illegal, or that Harvey Weinstein is a bad man, or that assault on women indeed exists, activism is acting upon that. It’s going one step further, in a way that says, I really care about this and so should you. Activism is not talking about the example, it’s setting it.

I actually sent this to vice to publish, and I have to say, I know they were looking. Instinct is powerful. So powerful that I knew why they wouldn’t publish it. It’s because it was neither one thing nor the other. It wasn’t too much or too little, it wasn’t too personal or too objective. It has no references so it’s not journalism or academic, but there’s no characters and it’s obviously not fiction, So I’ll stop fucking around and just complete it. They ‘said’ there was something missing, So I either strip it back and add references, or I go more personal.

I’m not one to shy away from the truth, and it’s value, so I will tell you my story. Whether you are still reading, want to continue, or don’t, that’s up to you. I believe in all this balance, chaos theory, good vs evil and if you don’t then that’s on you. Here’s how I’ve struggled with hirsutism, I wrote this about two weeks before I published this ‘article’. This is the first time I’ve talked about this in writing, and I would like to add now in hindsight (6 months after I wrote this originally) I am now proud to be able to claim this as my own, especially in its perhaps not comparability but connection to the trans movement.

If you know what that is, you are probably either recoiling in disgust, or also suffer from this condition, or are a doctor. If you don’t, I’ll tell you. It’s excess female body and facial hair.... While on first inspection I look to be a ‘normal’ girl, closer inspection is something I’ve avoided my whole lifetime, because it’s not something that is easy to deal with. Basically, I have a line of hair up my abdomen, reaching just beyond my belly button. Pretty normal hey? Well it’s also around my nipples. Solvable. It’s also on my chest, underneath my clavicles, a fine layer of short dark hairs. Complicated. Oh yeah it’s also on my neck and the side of my face. That’s okay it’s being lasered. So what’s the diagnosis, you may be asking? Am I quite mannish? Do i have too much testosterone, big hands and feet, broad shoulders and more muscle mass? No. That is not the case. There is no problem with my hormones and no underlying medical condition like polycystic ovaries. It is not hereditary in any way and no one else in my family suffers in this way. So where does that leave me? In no mans land, literally, I am unsolvable by anyone. My body is a rubix cube which has been fixed so that it has no conclusion. I am currently undergoing laser hair removal which I did not qualify for on the nhs as I am undiagnosed. Bear with me, pun intended. Laser usually costs around £700 per treatment area. But I have negotiated for that cost to be for my face neck and chest due to them being relatively small areas. Still, I can’t really afford that on top of other normal financial considerations, like rent, food travel, and credit payments. I am on medication to try and make my apparently normal hormones be more feminine. They are steroidal. Side effects include depression, dry skin and lowered libido. While we are on the subject of sexual desires, I am not allowed them, by society. I do not allow myself them. Take your chances of getting hurt in a relationship and double them for me with this invisible problem.

The last person I had sex with was a married man who paid me £400. I have no problem saying this as it’s the only time I’ve ever been paid for sex, including in gifts, as I feel that is included. I have never been gifted anything by a guy except a teddy bear in my first year of high school as a present from a guy I kissed at the disco. I met the married guy at the strip club I work in. He managed to convince me to go outside of the usual terms I work by because we helped each other understand the hypocrisy of the situation. He was married like half the guys that come in. He payed me for a dance and we sat and talked. I’ve never done that before. I’ve always wanted to dance because talk is cheap and I don’t want to owe anyone anything. I ended up owing him, so I took his number and texted him the next day. I went on Sunday night, after work at 4am. We had a coffee, he paid me in a wad of cash which I didn’t count, then we undressed, beside either side of the bed, he climbed into bed, and me after him.

I’m not able to work when I have my laser treatment because I have to shave the area. Since I have shaved, plucked, and bleached my chest since about age 15, it is already quite scarred. I cannot use any healing or commodogenic moisturising products because it leads the hair follicles to break out. Needless to say I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I’m not apologising for all these details otherwise you won’t be able to see the reality of the situation. I know that other people have problems, and invisible weaknesses, and other girls suffer from hirsuitism, but it’s hard to find them when they are hiding too, and this needs to be talked about. That’s why I need to address the brutal and uncomfortable details, as much as it hurts me to.

So, now I don’t have a job because I can’t even work at a strip club. When I could work there I had to bleach my face and chest every night before every shift. That meant I was late and looked unprofessional. That is a theme for me, having to look as though I’m unprofessional when I’m actually an extremely meticulous and focused person.

I have worked retail jobs, but since I no longer really have friends, as they’ve moved away, and don’t have a boyfriend, I find it hard to relate to people on a normal level. I get depressed, stressed, alienated and I have no release. Working in a strip club helps with these things, although the girls are from different backgrounds and a lot of them have it worse than me, admittedly. I believe I don’t have female friends because I think they find it easy to use me to their advantage because I am in a perpetual state of fear and loneliness. This is also why I’m not a lesbian, aside from the fact that I’m not attracted to women. I have been raped twice, albeit neither time entirely involved assault. I do not consider sexual experiences to be entirely pleasurable, of the few that I’ve had, due to the disconnect between who I present to them and who I really am. They see the ideal and expect only that. I have told one guy about my problem, and although he was understanding, I can tell he feared for his own comfortable normalcy. I told him after a one night stand. We met at the club. Due to my situation, I have done everything through life, alone. I dropped out of university, unable to deal with the workload and the mental workload that comes with this condition. They say now that a lot of mental health issues are reported at university and there is more awareness. There wasn’t really, a few years ago, and I got passed around a couple of uninterested councillors who made me write my depression and anxiety on a whiteboard in a blue pen because I was white and came from an almost middle class background and had no really visible problems, I wasn’t allowed to be troubled. I am 25 next week and I still live at home. My credit rating is extremely poor due to my not being able to find and keep a suitable job over the years. I used a loan and credit card in order to buy a dog, to sustain me through terrible loneliness. My family have always been supportive and have tried to overlook my strange self-imposed situation. They are trying to help because they know that a lack of stimulation from a dead end job that I am able to acquire with my current qualifications will be the death of me. I hate to sound morbid but it’s an option. But because of my family, I admittedly have had it very easy compared to many others. So while I am telling you all of this, I’m not doing it for pity, or even understanding or compassion, I’m doing it because telling you this can hopefully mean that I am able to affect people positively instead of hiding myself behind smoke and mirrors like I have always been encouraged to by society, because there was no other way. There has always been a huge disconnect between who I really am and who I am able to present to the world to be perceived, to the point where I have multiple Instagram accounts where I put pictures which express myself in a way I am not able to on my normal one, because I know that the people who follow me would find them unacceptable. Nobody follows or likes my secret account pictures because I am strange, hyper sexual and come across as hostile and aggressive, plus, they don’t know me. I am creative, and all the creative jobs I’ve applied for demand a built up and established person with flawless pictures of travel, food and good times to show on their social media. I have been beaten down into a corner by the world, and have nothing left but these words. I know you think that given what you’ve read, you probably wouldn’t be one of the people that are pushing me down but if you still have a question in your mind that despite every medical practitioner telling me that “there is nothing wrong with you”, my chest, with small hairs on it, is wrong, then you are one of these people. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m saying that when I remove it all, my body temperature is not able to regulate itself. My body has learnt, through a terrible vicious cycle, that this is what it needs to exist alone. That is my only theory for my situation, and I like it because it’s more reassuring than being a medical anomaly. I hope that if you saw my problem, you wouldn’t recoil, but I know you would. I hope that all my other flaws, all somehow attached to this issue, stemming from my lack of control over this profound weakness and wrongness of my body, would be overlooked due to their clearly self-destructive nature, but I know that they will not be. I know that even if someone came and handed me everything I needed to be ‘normal’, or ‘happy’, I still wouldn’t be. Because when I forget my difference and have enough to sustain me, I am normal and happy. I know that is life, and life is not black and white, but also, it is. I don’t know what I need, so I need you to know. I don’t know if I need to feel like everyone else, or not. Here I talk about going on living but I’ll leave that bit out because I don’t want this to sound like I’m threatening, at any point, apart from in my lowest moments when it feels way too real. I just want you to consider all my options. I have told people my problem, I have not told people my problem, neither more beneficial. I wonder if the world would miss me if I were gone. I wonder if they would gain more from seeing the pain in my eyes before or after I died. I have no answers here, only problems. I have no questions to ask you because there’s nothing you can tell me that I don’t already know. Because of this, hirsuitism (I don’t like saying the word), I have nothing but things to stand for if I were ever somehow lifted out of this situation. Being lifted is something I’ve always fought against- you can’t lift me because I am unrelatable, and not in the bad way. This has been cathartic, but nothing else. See all of these paradoxes, and hopefully you will see that what I’m trying to say is that mine and every other girl, who is even slightly afflicted by this issue’s, potential is hugely affected because it’s yet another thing that we have to think about and men, and the ‘femme-inists’ don’t. We are hiding it not only from men, and other judgemental women, but therefore ourselves and our families and friends. When I look down at my chest with a few hairs on it, when it’s grown out, it looks, to me, almost perfectly normal. I say almost because I know that if most anyone else saw it in it’s raw form they would not agree. Honestly I’m just glad that lasers exist so that I have the potential to be ‘just like everybody else’. But that doesn’t stop me from being curious about why this happened to me, and whether, as the doctors’ said, I am perfectly normal, it’s just that society doesn’t believe that’s so. Honestly I want this to be read from an objective view, because I know everybody has their own set of problems, and I don’t want to make out that mine are any worse or better than anyone else’s. What I’m really saying is- why can’t it be an option for women to want, not to be just as good and strong as other powerful and influential women, but to be just as good and powerful as other men, humans. Please tell me, if I want to compete with men for power, how I’m supposed to do that if I’m expected to be like all other women. Shave my armpits, shave my legs, have long flowing hair, dress sexy in dresses and skirts, instead of logically and unfussily in a suit and tie, don’t come off as too brash or aggressive lest you seem manly . That’s my question. Why is that perceived as wrong? Why, when I see my unshaven armpits in the mirror now that I’m not working and it’s winter, do I feel a little repulsed? From the perspective of my own struggle, I am privileged enough to be able to ask this, and attempt to provoke. Of my situation, I kind of want girls to say, can you imagine that? And not in a judgemental way. And guys, I want them to say, it doesn’t, shouldn’t, doesn’t, matter. Then try to ignore this. Try to be indifferent. Try to keep me hidden. See if you can.

***************************************************

0 notes