anonymousdiary2018

[anonymousdiary2018]

5/24/2023

One year. It has been one year since my very last day teaching. I don’t know if I should call this a goodbye letter, or a break-up letter, or just a letter to myself. One year later.

I wish that I had continued to write in this blog during the rest of college and into teaching, but now I just have to work from my memories and emotions. Karen, my supervisor at UC, really told us that if we had ANY doubts in our mind, that we wouldn’t make it in the teaching field. At the time, I had doubts, but I also had passion and knew that I wanted to change lives of students. I wasn’t going to quit that dream so easily, a dream that I have had since I was a child and one I worked so hard for. Then with Covid-19 happening and everything hitting the fan, I had a weird student teaching experience and only a half graduation. I had accomplished my dream. I was going to teach! My one year of teaching taught me a lot, both intentionally and not. I learned how not to do a lot of things, and how to use my resources. I learned how to use my time more effectively and how to listen to kids who are going through rough times. I learned so much about history and the standards and how to teach it. I learned that your co workers are also your family, where it is safe to cry and get angry or celebrate your wins.

I learned that I couldn’t do it. I learned that through the entire year, I binge ate and gained back almost 50 pounds that I was hoping to keep off in college. I learned that to be a teacher meant that you had to put that first, and cancel plans with family and friends if there was work to do (which there always was). I learned that not only did I have to teach, but I also had to go above and beyond for my students, invite them to lunch to make up work, go to their games and concerts, be a shoulder to cry on when they needed one. I learned that I needed to arrive early and stay late almost every single day if I wanted the day to be a day, if not a successful one. I learned that that was the most emotionally traumatizing part of my life, and it was only one year ago. I am still healing from it. I am still learning from it. 

Even though I know all this, I still wonder, what would my life had been like if I still chose to pursue that dream? Everyone says not to judge your first year of teaching too harshly, that you are so inexperienced. What if the second year would have been better? What if I gave up so easily when my own dream was just around the corner? What if I gave it all up too easily? Why was I so incapable that I couldn’t continue? What do my kids think of me today, writing this letter and crying because I think that I gave up on them, past and future? Will I ever go back? To that, the answer is probably no. 

Everyone has their own opinions about teachers. Every time I said that I had been one at my old job, everyone said their opinion. Some just gave me a look, especially when they found out that I taught middle schoolers. Some teachers told me not to go back, others told me that they needed ‘good teachers like me.’ As if they knew who I was and if I was in fact a ‘good’ teacher. I wasn’t a good teacher. I was a first year teacher. And it was the hardest year of my life.

So, no, to answer a question from before. I don’t think I will be going back. I want to just be able to live my life outside of work, because after all, work is just that. I am happy with my new position, even if it’s not really putting any good into the world. People change and so do dreams. And with that, goodbye to the teacher I once was and will never be again. Goodbye to that dream, that was a personal hell for me for one year. Goodbye.

[anonymousdiary2018]

11/2/2020

A wild V appears! It’s been so long hasn’t it? I have just been so busy with school that I haven’t even thought about logging on and saying anything recently. Actually, I should be writing something else entirely right now- an essay, but I just figured I would let everyone know I wasn’t dead. I am beginning to wonder what the point of all of this is. What if in the end, I’m not happy? I don’t know. I guess that’s all for now. Update on my car accident: I finally got paid back for my laptop and I am expecting the settlement sometime this week, so yay for that. I have to plan an activity on Veteran’s day. Still not really sure what I am going to do, but I will figure something out. Anyway, thanks for tuning in. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

9/10/2020

Hello all! It really has been a while since I have written here hasn’t it? My first few weeks of school are coming to a close soon, and I just wanted to take a few minutes to reflect. (I have to get up at 6, so I can’t make this post too long. I really love my mentor teacher, she is great! Although she wants me to do the brain breaks (its the activities they do in between classes) and I am not prepared to do them. I am gonna try my best though. The doors have to remain open, so I can’t do any screaming/singing, so I think that’s a plus. I do know some great Girl Scout songs though that are repeat songs. Anyway, I really like all my eighth graders! I only see around half of them, however. The half that I do see are the algebra students (so the top performing ones). Most of them are very well behaved and I think they all like me so far! As for school, I am falling behind already and I have been too anxious to do anything about it. I also have hit a plateau in losing weight and I really want to start getting back on track again. It’s been really hard though, and depression eating sucks. I am also really anxious because I’m nearing the end of my undergrad and I still don’t know whether or not I will enjoy this career that I have chosen for myself. What if I don’t? Then what? I don’t know. Anyway, it’s almost 12:30 and I need to get some rest in before school tomorrow.

[anonymousdiary2018]

There's no way to title this on mobile so I guess this will do?

8/16/2020

It's almost 5 AM and I'm crying. I'm not gonna try and figure out how to put a damn title on this. Tonight's mood is Scram! but only because it's what I have stuck in my head. Do you ever just feel like a shitty person? Like the choices you've made up until now were just literally all wrong? Or like you're disappointing everyone or yourself? That's me right now. I don't know. Do I just have to get used to the fact that I'm a shitty manager? I'm bad at managing my life, I'm bad at managing my job, I'm bad at managing my time, and my relationships with people. Why am I so fucking terrible? No wonder the only people who want to hang out with you are your mom and AS. God, it's way past 5 now. I'm just done

[anonymousdiary2018]

8/14/2020

Why do I always want to write at the worst times? It’s almost 3 AM. Why am I like this? Tonight’s mood is N O D R E A M. Bc I am not dreaming, I am awake and writing here. I don’t even know why I’m here. Work wasn’t particularly annoying today. I got paid which is nice. There is no news or updates to report on. I got on Wattpad again and started reading some stories on there. More recently, I have been liking romance novels. But not like, realistic fiction, if this makes sense. I don’t know why I have the urge to read romance, normally it’s not the kind of book I want. I wonder why but are there any answers? I just got tired of reading the books I normally do. Dystopian societies do nothing for me, no matter how good other people think the book is. I don’t know. Anyway, its way past 3 AM now. And I feel like I want to say something on here, yet, I just am unsure of what that exactly is. I guess it will come in time? 

[anonymousdiary2018]

8/13/2020

Hello, once again! Man, I really do not post as often as I used to. I guess maybe there just isn’t much to talk about after a while. Well, I do have news and updates and stuff. First, I should say that tonight’s Mood is Poison the Parish by Seether. I have been listening to them more recently and I really loved them before (in my emo days), but I never listened to this album and damn, I was missing out. It’s actually really good. I talked to SG at our normal meeting and he said that I have made a lot of progress and that he thinks that I don’t really need therapy at the moment. I am really proud of myself and I agree with his statement, but I do feel as though I didn’t really tell him everything, if that makes sense. Some stuff we just never brought up. Maybe he didn’t think we needed to? Like, for example, the fact that I really hate my appearance and how I am trying to lose weight. I actually don’t think I talked to him at all about this, but I am working it through myself. As I get closer to the new school year, I am increasingly more anxious about it. Luckily, everything is slowly becoming more solidified, but there is so much I just don’t know yet. I should have taken more of my OAEs this summer and that never happened. At least I passed my first one on my first try. I need to do a few things before the semester starts too and I am not prepared. First, I have to accept all my loans (thank god I got two scholarships). I also still haven’t thought about textbooks. Plus, I have to renew my security system. Shit, I still have to activate my new card too and pay off my credit card. Ugh. How do people move out and also be financially stable? I’m barely managing now and I live at home for free. I guess I will figure it out. Why is so much going on? I’m gonna try and knock some of it down so I don’t have to worry. That woman STILL has not paid me for my car yet. My mom said that we might have to get a lawyer. OH, also, I still haven’t been paid by the insurance company for my car accident either. What kind of bullshit is that? Speaking of the accident, my intrusive thoughts still come to haunt me from time to time. Like now for example. Cars are so dangerous and I don’t know how people can just not pay attention to what they’re doing. Anyway, my thoughts have been racing a lot and this probably all sounds like gibberish. Plus, I haven’t even scratched the surface. I am still figuring out my relationships and where I want to build or maintain them. I feel like I have been doing a shitty job of this. There are so many friends that I just straight up don’t really hang out with anymore even though I want to, I just haven’t really found the time or effort I guess? I hate to say it, but are some of them worth hanging on to? If AM asks me about one of my coworkers again I might actually snap at him. We don’t really have much to talk about anymore either and I feel bad about it. Like I haven’t been putting in the effort, maybe? I guess I just have a lot to think about. Tonight’s mood shifts to POST- because I finished the other album. On Saturday, I might invite another one of my friends to go to a coffee shop in the area. There’s gonna be live music which is cool. I’ll have to see. I might not even go, stuff like that always falls through and I would want cash to tip them. I don’t even know if you should tip those people? I just want to lol. Anyway, I guess that’s all for now. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

8/6/2020

Hello hello again! It’s been a while hasn’t it? Well, this is post 100. Can y’all believe it? I can’t. I can’t believe I have a blog that has been updated this many times over such a long period. It is so weird and a little cringe worthy to see my very early posts. Ahh, to be so young and at community college again. Wow, I loved it there so much. I love everyone at main campus and I am more social because everyone is in the same classes as I am but it has cost me a lot to go down there. My time, my mental health. I am kinda sad that I won’t be going there in the fall to see all my cohort members. But at the same time though, I really hated that drive and I had to pay for parking (gross). Anyway, I started this very late, but I bought a bunch of stuff to help motivate me. I still need to buy another OAE test and also renew the security system for my laptop. I have been spending way to much recently and not working enough to pay for it all. Overall, my motivation to do anything has really plummeted and some of my symptoms of depression are creeping their way back into my life and I am not living for it. Sometimes I wonder if I have bipolar disorder. But then I realize that mostly every behavior of mine is probably typical in someone my age group or any really. Being motivated at first and then not at all. That’s why people start projects they can’t finish and then start new ones. Mine aren’t new, but maybe that’s because I haven’t found the new one to kick off, I guess. I have gained some of the weight that I lost back and it doesn’t feel good. I was doing so well and I just wonder why I lost the motivation to do anything. School is rapidly approaching, I still haven’t taken all the tests that I wanted to get done this summer and I am really anxious about going to this new school. I fear the absolute worse. That I am going to contract covid or that I am going to spread it to others unknowingly. I just read an article recently about women being on contraceptives and how this can give us a sort of shield to infectious diseases like covid and this is a likely reason why men are disproportionately affected by it. There is always a reason for something! I just thought that it was interesting. Anyway, they have a reopening plan in place now, but I am still kind of up in the air with everything. I know we will figure things out, but it feels like student teachers are being kind of left out of the equation. Plus, I know I should make more masks (and buy disposables for my car if I forget them). There is just so much to think about and its dizzying. I have been helping AS so much that it has been putting a toll on myself. I love helping and making sure that his new place is good and clean and livable, but it’s been tough. I guess I just want some alone time. No responsibilities, no one to please, nothing to clean or pay for or do or worry about. That sounds so nice. Anyway, its past 4 am now, so I am gonna end it here tonight. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

7/22/2020

So, I am currently taking the practice test for the professional knowledge test that I have to take, and I am doing worse than I thought. I will definitely have to look over the questions that I missed and understand why I missed them. One was about Piaget and disequilibrium, and I have to be honest, I know who Piaget is but I have not heard (or remembered, I guess) anything about disequilibrium and how it affects cognitive development. It almost (almost) sounded like gibberish lol. Anyway, I am pretty tired so I don’t know how long I will make this, but I wanted to give updates I guess. Recently, I haven’t been feeling to well mentally, but I know I will get over it (hopefully). I got my placement school and stuff! I am with an eighth grade social studies teacher. I am excited and also nervous. I am gonna email her for the first time soon and see if there is anything I can do before the beginning of the semester. All but one of my classes are fully online this semester and wow, I hate online classes. I even considered doing a gap year and just avoiding this whole covid and school thing all together. But, I want to graduate and it just doesn’t seem like the smartest idea to gap. Plus, that would mean being at my current job for another year and oof to that. I hope I am not working there by school of next year. To be fair though, if I don’t find a job as a teacher, I would rather work there than as a substitute teacher. They only make around 12 an hour! How crazy is that? To need a degree and a license and to be making 12 an hour. I am making more where I am now and I am basically dealing with the same problem (children lol). In other news, I helped AS move some more stuff to the new place! His roommate just got tested for covid, so it’ll be about another week before he moves in but I am super proud of him. I hope him and his roomie will be a good situation. I know living with someone can be much different than just being friends with them. I wish him the best of luck though. I guess that is really it for now. I appreciate how hard I am working now to support myself and my friends. So, there’s some appreciation. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

7/19/2020

What’s up? I never know how to begin these. Tonight’s Mood is Adults. There’s like 2 songs left, but AB told me to just go back so whatever album is before that will be the next Mood. I will probably ask him tomorrow, but wtf is ska music? I guess I have heard of it before, but idk, maybe I should just look it up for myself. Maybe I will. 

Anyway, today was pretty chill, I guess it was a good day off. I didn’t really do anything though, but I have so much that I am thinking about right now.. I still have to fill my gas tank and I need to buy some groceries at the store and oof. I also have to take 2 more of those tests hopefully by the beginning of the semester. The one about professional knowledge doesn’t seem too bad, and they estimated time was only 3 hours, and I am not sure if that makes me more nervous or less (that means I only have 3 hours to answer 100 multiple choice questions and answer 2 extended response). I had 4 hours total for the foundations of reading one. Which, by the way, I didn’t think I did too horribly on it. Which is something that I never thought I would say, to be honest. I think I am getting a little better on not totally shitting on myself most days. But I have gained back some weight and that does make me feel like shit though. I hope I can get back on track soon. Anyway, sorry, back to what I was saying, the other test that they want me to take is Social Studies. I am really nervous about that one and I can’t lie about it. I have heard my other classmates that they studied for 3 weeks. My friend said she failed by 2 points, which is so infuriating (and I know this personally, I failed the writing Praxis exam by 2 points). That’s why I want to take the other first, plus I just feel like I will do better on it. I still do not know what is happening with school. I don’t know what student teaching will look like, where I am being placed, what subject I will be doing, or literally anything. This is just like last semester. I literally knew the school and that was it. I didn’t find out I was with the math intervention specialist until I walked into the school on the first day of student teaching. It was so frustrating and now the same thing is happening. Maybe it’s a sign that I shouldn’t be a teacher. Plus when I wanted to study abroad for teaching, those both fell through as well. I was literally on my way to school to talk to the advisor for it when I got into that accident. Oh! More on cars though- first of all, my case for that STILL isn’t settled. I hope they don’t want a statement from me, its been like 7 months since it happened. I can still picture everything though and the smell of burning. And the silence. And my shattered windshield. And I didn’t cry in front of my dad but when I got home and hugged my mom I was balling like a child. Wow, PTSD is great. Second, that woman still hasn’t paid me for my June payment yet for my other car. Its past the middle of July. When will she pay it? I asked my dad and he said he would get in contact with her. She also still has to pay me for July too. Ugh, I should have had her get a damn loan at a bank. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with this. I heard she was trying to sell it, which I don’t blame her. There was a lot of problems with it when she bought it. Plus, premium gas is not cheap. I will never own a BMW again. To make a long story short, I have a lot on my mind. This isn’t even including what my relationships look like right now. I feel like.. a huge fuck up I guess? Like, it’s going to sound unrealistic when I say this but I just kinda feel.. unwanted a little? Like people have better things to do (which I mean, yeah, they do). I feel for my friend, she might have covid. So, she’s in quarantine until she gets her test results back. I’m glad everyone is busy, but sometimes it just feels like I am being left behind. Maybe that’s how AS feels every time I advance in my degree? I won’t lie, I have left people behind, most of my friends from high school are almost completely non-existent in my life anymore. Many of them I only talk to once in a blue moon. I guess it’s just divergent. My mom always says that friendships are like the tides. Sometimes they are really close to the shore (you) and other times, they are far away. This will always be the case, even if it isn’t with the same people. This is getting a little long, and also its almost 3:30 am. I should probably sleep soon. Last thoughts? Eh, just that I only work two days next week. I might see if anyone would like me to take any shifts. I don’t want to work, but I do want money. And I want money more than I don’t want to work. With this woman not paying me for my other car, my money is becoming tight, especially with these tests and college coming up (They all cost more than a hundred each yay and even with my scholarships, I will have to pay out of pocket). I know I have money and I know I will be fine, but it just frustrates me. Oh also, I finished vacation and now I’m on split. And also I looked up what ska was. It’s interesting. Still don’t quite know but eh. Also, its almost 4 now. So, that’s lovely. I guess that’s it tonight? Still feel like somethings are unsaid, but, like always, it’ll be for the next post (probably?).

[anonymousdiary2018]

7/16/2020

Here we are again! Hello, everyone. I am wanting to study a little bit tonight but I figured I could type a little too. I have been wanting to listen to new music recently. Maybe I should take requests from my friends? That sounds pretty cool! I figured I would listen to some tonight. Tonight’s mood is No Dream I guess? Yeah. I think so. Anyway, I haven’t really been caught up on anything new recently and I don’t know if any of the artists I like have released anything new? I’ll have to look soon. I feel out of the loop honestly. That’s something for another post though possibly. I will probably head to bed within the next hour or so, I have that test tomorrow. Can I comment on how stupid I am sometimes? First, I don’t schedule it, then I do and I think it’s Wednesday and I show up to the center and it’s not. It’s actually today (Thursday) at 10. Finally. I am not excited though. I didn’t realize I scheduled it for today, I work at 4 and I close. So, basically, I am going to be super exhausted by the time I get home from work. I don’t even really have time to nap between the test and working. We will see how it goes tomorrow. Should I do my three things tonight? I don’t know if I should. Maybe this is the most important time to? Ugh. I don’t know. I want to be able to voice my wants and needs more. And I guess I appreciate that I know this. I guess I just don’t want to sound selfish or like an asshole. Maybe I will practice on AM next time he asks me about women. I think I am angry enough to voice my opinions. But I don’t want to feel like I can only do it if there is a strong emotion? Hmm. Maybe this is something I can discuss with SG? He did ask me a long time ago to monitor when I could say something and make a note of it. He said whether or not I chose to say something was my decision but if I didn’t that it was fine. I know I will have to work on it. Anyway, there’s one (probably). Oof, well this is really all the time I have tonight isn’t it? It’s already almost 1 AM. I have more to say, but it’ll have to wait. Sleep (hopefully) awaits. I will let you know how the test goes tomorrow. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

7/13/2020

Who would have guessed that I would have slacked on the task of making 3 things about myself that I appreciate everyday? Ha, no that was me. I expected this. To be fair though, I did think of things last night and I didn’t write them on this blog. I take my first OAE on Tuesday! I am super nervous for it, but I think that if I study tomorrow I should make it out okay. I think I will study and take the one on pedagogy next. That one really all I need is the vocab, then most of the rest of the test is situational. Still worried about the SS one though, hopefully I will take it before the school semester starts. I have to see what classes switched online. I might be fully online this semester and it sounds good (because I won’t have to drive down to campus all the time), but at the same time it sounds horrible. I hate online classes and with this new schedule, I need to quickly learn to adjust to it, I guess. I like going to the classroom and sitting in a desk and being able to interact with the professors. Not that I can’t interact with them online, but having that face to face and being in the classroom does give me more motivation to do the work. I get distracted if I am doing video calls and it’s so easy to be. But.. I think I can do it. I hope I can. School is about a month away and I wish I was more prepared for it. I don’t even know what placement school I am going to or what I will be doing with teachers. If I will even be in a classroom. Oof. Maybe I can set up the downstairs as an office for myself? I would want to buy a better desk. Maybe I can start looking around for one. I just wish I had more security in that aspect of my life I guess. Anyway, um.. I guess maybe I should say 3 things that I appreciate about myself, shouldn’t I? What if I can’t think of any that I haven’t already said? I guess SG did say I could repeat myself.

1. I appreciate that I know what I should/need to work on. Even if I am still not sure about where I am headed in life, I know that I can’t continue in some of the ways that have been coping mechanisms or habits in the past. How can I move forward with my life if I keep hating myself? Or if I have a pessimistic view on myself or my own future? I don’t know. I just know that I have to become a better version of myself everyday.

2. I appreciate who I have become as a person (most of the time). In general, I would say I am pretty okay. I think I am likable. And although in the past, I know I have been not the best (toxic even), I have realized these faults and am growing past them. I feel like maybe this one is just a part of number 1 lol.

3. I appreciate that I have at least been thinking about this everyday and even if I don’t write anything down here I am still trying to come up with things that I appreciate about myself. That one was probably bad, wasn’t it? I am trying my best. And I appreciate that too.

In other news, AS is really starting to like and become better at his new job! I am really happy for him, and on Tuesday, he is going to get approved to live with his new roomie. I am worried about how far away it is though. I hope it won’t be a problem or that he can convince his roommate to move closer to where everyone else lives. Maybe I will become better friends with him (should I dub him too? HS?) When he lived closer, I would always go and hang out and their apartment (HS and..HM?) Sometimes I wonder why I dub everyone but I digress. Then the lease was up and they didn’t sign a new one, so they moved to their current place. Anyway, I will see how it all plays out. 

Something else that I have just realized recently is that I don’t really like driving people around in my car. Like, I was thinking about it and it gives me anxiety. Maybe that’s why I don’t like driving? I don’t know, after the accident, I just don’t want to be behind the wheel with friends in my car and have us crash I guess? I don’t know why I worry about it so much. I guess even though the accident wasn’t my fault, it still feels like I could have done something to stop it from happening. I don’t even want to imagine what it would have been like if there were other people in my car with me. And I know that it’s unreasonable to think both of these thoughts, but I just doubt myself as a good driver. Sure, I don’t drive distracted and I make everyone fasten their seat belts, but that doesn’t mean I’m good. That doesn’t even mean I am okay. Is it selfish of me to think that when I am not driving, then no matter what happens if we crash then it wasn’t my fault? Oof to these thoughts lol anyway I like being the passenger in a car anyway, then that means I can look at the scenery. Maybe I just need to get more used to people being in the car with me while I am driving? I don’t get very many opportunities for this though. Maybe one day. 

Anyway, this post is getting kind of long and I have a few other things I want to address, but I am getting tired (it is past 4 am so yikes on that). Wish me luck for this exam! I am going to need it. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

7/6/2020

I am not sure how much I can write tonight, its past 3 AM and I can barely keep my eyes open. I don’t even know what to say or where to start. First, AM is still looking for a girlfriend. He had his chance with me and he blew it, and I am guessing that’s just what’s happening with every woman he likes, considering he is still single lol. He keeps asking me if there is anyone at my work that might be interested and I told him no. I also have to tell my friends at this party that I am having on Tuesday. There’s one in particular that I have to warn and I feel bad that I am saying it. Also, a couple of my friends don’t like each other and they are going to both be there so maybe they can leave the past behind and talk it out? Idk there’s to praying I guess lol. I don’t think I am going to be able to do my three things tonight, I am really tired and I don’t feel well emotionally to do it. Maybe that’s the prime time then? Well, I have already made my mind up. And I am not doing it, so. Maybe later today. I still have to schedule my OAE. I got nervous the first time and I clicked away from it before I could register. I didn’t know how to schedule it. Maybe I have to pay for it first? I don’t know. Am I just rambling because I’m tired? Maybe. On the 4th, I hung out with AB and it was nice. I didn’t realize how much I hurt him though and I feel horrible for it. That’s the last thing that I wanted to happen and well. What if I’m actually a bad person and yet I have tricked all my friends into believing that I am good? Is that the most evil thing I can do? Maybe tomorrow I will use the RAIN technique that I haven’t been using (even though SG told me to). I have a long week ahead of me, so I might as well get some rest. Maybe I will look back on this tomorrow and realize that it was all just rambling and there’s probably more that I want to say. For now though I guess this is all. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

7/4/2020

So, I haven’t done this in a few days, but I really should get back on it. I won’t be able to think of enough for the days that I missed, so I have agreed (with myself lol) to just read over what I have so far after this round. I do have some good and bad news to report though. The bad news is, MA lost her supervisor rights. She is really upset about it and I get it, but she does get to keep her pay which is nice. I told her that she is doing less work for the same amount of money, but I know it still feels like a slap in the face I’m sure. The good news is though is that I got a raise and it was a lot more than I expected! I got a whole 2 dollars!! I almost make 15 an hour now!! I was not expecting that at all and I am really happy that I decided to fight for what I thought was right. Anyway, I guess onto the 3 things now? Oh, I need to schedule that test soon. I also need to study for the social studies OAE soon too. Should I also take the third one I need this summer? Oof, I better get started on that soon too. 

1. I appreciate my will to work hard and fight to get things done. I am a huge procrastinator, but I always try to get things done and to the best of my ability. I work hard in school and at my job and I do appreciate when these things have rewards or when they are noticed, it is a refreshing change. 

2. I appreciate my ability to switch between different discourses. Although I don’t change core aspects of my personality, I do switch how I talk and act around different groups of people and I do so kinda like a light switch (ie customers versus coworkers). 

3. I appreciate my empathy. I think that’s an important character trait to have and I am glad that I have a lot of empathy towards people and how they feel. It is both a blessing and a curse but I do appreciate it and I think that it has made me a better person or made me more understanding for it. Idk. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

6/29/2020

Does it always feel this hard to stay motivated for these things? This is kinda out of the blue but I applied and got accepted for a credit card so yay! I have wanted one for a while and tonight my mom brought it up so I thought, why not? I want to start really building my credit and getting everything situated in that regard. My score is definitely not where I want it to be (but its not bad either), I just know that 700 is the sweet spot for it and I am not quite over the hump yet. Putting gas or something small on there should not be a problem, especially if I pay it off at the end of the month, where I don’t get charged interest. I might be stupid, but I’m not dumb. Lol Anyway, I still have to do my three things, so here goes nothing. 

1. I appreciate how responsible I am. I feel like I am pretty responsible and I always try to strive to be better and I want to reach my goals in all aspects of my life. I have even taken it upon myself to write out 3 things everyday and I am really trying to make them all different for my mental health. So, idk I’m trying. 

2. I appreciate my love for math. Maybe this goes back to what my passions are, but I love and am passionate about math and how people use it everyday. Sure, average people don’t use calculus all the time, but lots of people use geometry and algebra for certain occupations. Its literally everywhere. Sorry I say these wild allegations and then I don’t back them up with that much evidence do I? Anyway, math is very useful and I love it. 

3. I appreciate how strong I am. I am just coming to his realization, but it takes a massive amount of strength to be weak or vulnerable to your friends and family. To show them that you can’t always be whole or that you’re not okay. And then to realize that is okay and that all you can do is just try your best and make it through. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

6/28/2020

I know SG said that I could repeat things with this whole “three things I appreciate about myself” thing, but I just feel like if I started to do that now that I wouldn’t be trying hard enough. So, here goes I guess?

1. I appreciate how I was a little more assertive today and I asked my manager about my pay rate. They said with the virus and we don’t know if they are gonna shut us down again, that no one was getting evaluations done (meaning no raises), but my old old manager said once I finished training I would get one and I don’t think I did. So, I asked about it and she said she would talk to the higher ups. We will see where things lead, but I am proud that I brought it up today. She also complimented me for how hard I have been working too, which is super nice. 

2. I appreciate that I am slowly (but surely) figuring things out for myself. I am getting more things done (even if it’s been slow) and I have been realizing what I want and what I want out of my relationships.

3. I appreciate how healthy I have been recently. I have just been trying to eat better and I still try to do intermittent fasting as often as I can. I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 198, which means that I have lost 30 pounds since November 27th. I wish I had ‘before’ pictures, but I was just going through the trauma of the accident and also I was so ashamed of myself that I wanted no pictures of anything having to do with me or my body. Most of the time I fail at losing any so I just thought this would also be one of those times. 

That third one is always the hardest one, isn’t it? Anyway, one of my coworkers last day was today! He has left a few times for other jobs, but this time will be his last for the last time lol. He is moving to live with his girlfriend and I am super excited for the both of them. I hope they will be very happy together. I want to make him my oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, but I am hoping that I will be able to bake them before work tomorrow and give them to him so oof. Here’s to hoping? That’s all for today’s news report. Oh! Im back to working Fridays too! And I am not closing!! Its a relief but also it wasn’t really that bad to close on Fridays or Saturdays. It’s relaxing after we close. Anyway, that’s it for now. Night

[anonymousdiary2018]

6/27/2020

Hello hello! It’s day 3 and oof. I hope I can come up with things today.. I feel like this is harder than I thought it would be. Well, as some news I guess, SY (not sure if I have dubbed this person yet, I hope not because I just gave them a new one probably), is doing well I think. Her ex’s roommate is moving soon and he just put his 2 weeks in at my job, so yay to that. Maybe things will get better for them. Next, I went to a grad party today. It was super fun but I wasn’t planning on hanging out with MS anymore and well she was there. Other than this, there is nothing new to report I guess. It’s odd to post once a day. I feel like there isn’t much to talk about. There is the three things though so I should get started on it.

1. I appreciate how open minded I am. I have already said this but I am very easy going and I accept most people for their lifestyles. That’s it for that I think? lol

2. I appreciate my love for bunnies (and all animals in general). Bunnies have helped me through a lot and they are the most underrated pets of all time. I just want them to be loved and for all animals to have good lives. 

3. I appreciate how hard I have been working recently. With everything that’s been going on, it can be hard to stay on track, but I am trying my best and that’s all anyone can ask for. 

[anonymousdiary2018]

6/26/2020

Day 2, here we come! Why is it harder the second day to think of stuff? Okay, here we go I guess. Is there a right and wrong way to do this? I keep thinking of things that I appreciate, but they don’t all have anything to do with me. 

1. I appreciate the progress that I have made. Although I do not remember much about high school (much of it is forgotten because of depression), to think that I have come this far is kinda crazy. Plus, I am under 200 pounds and I literally cannot think of the last time that I was. I have never been thin and I am not sure if I will ever be, but progress is progress, no matter how smol. 

2. I appreciate how I am ambiverted and I would say that I am a pretty okay friend to be with. I am very easy going and I just kinda chill with people. I also love to be there for them and listen to what they have to say, even if I can’t offer any good advice (sorry AB lol). 

3. I appreciate how artistic I am. I love to do crafty things, no matter if it’s for me or for people I love. I believe that art brings people together and if something is handmade as a gift, that it is more thoughtful and special (even if it’s not perfect). I made one of my friends (MK, I think that’s what I dubbed for them?) a blanket for Christmas and it was far from perfect, but I still gave it to them and they loved it because I made it for them.