angelicstarr2009

[angelicstarr2009]

So yesterday I had an interesting conversation with someone near and dear and he pretty much confirmed everything I had noticed in my last relationship and I didn’t feel so crazy for feeling the way that I did. It’s crazy how fathers can have a certain decernments about people, however now it’s making me look at this person a little differently and I don’t know how to approach it, or to just move on completely. I will say that I absolutely love being single and focusing on myself.

[angelicstarr2009]

Space

Taking much need space for myself has actually been doing me some good. I haven’t spoken to my ex for maybe a few weeks after everything has happened except for once or twice. Not that I don’t want to reach out, I just think space is what’s needed at the moment especially because at times it can be so toxic. I feel like I am in a good space right now. I like it .

Signed

I can be happy again !

[angelicstarr2009]

Mirror

So tonight i was asked “what am i missing?” by someone who is/was close to me in the relationship and so i figured i’d type it out. i have trust issues. I think i’m still a little guarded, in a sense i don’t feel safe enough to feel what i feel when i feel it, therefore it stops me from opening up because i feel like i will be judged or made to be wrong and i feel like i am on an emotional rollercoaster, i will never how you can go from one extreme to another and expect for someone to be all there with you. Secondly, I have a bad case of FOMO , and want to be there all day everyday but i can’t allow myself to feel that in fear of manipulation and to know that and in reality i could pick up and leave if i wanted to, however I can’t entirely trust that i will be okay in doing so, therefore i need my career even if that means obtaining a second degree, incase for some reason it doesn’t work, i’m not stuck and i’ll be okay at the end of the day. I don’t want to have to rely on a man for anything EVER in life regarding a financial situation. I saw my mom when it was just her and i and i don’t want that for myself, i need to succeed in something i don’t want to struggle and shouldn’t have to. I refuse to settle for anything,I think i’m so set in my ways i’m not able to let anyone close to me especially if you cross me once. I’m not in rush for anything, i’m not worried about the major milestones at this point. i just need my foot planted in a career by the time i am 30 because 29 is coming up in a matter of 4 months, so that’s more important to me to be able to afford everything else. 

[angelicstarr2009]

Mirror

So tonight i kinda decided to reflect on as to why i have the hang ups that i do and so i figured i’d type it out. i have trust issues and i’m aware of that. I’ve been through things in the past and in the last few years which makes me the way i am. When i visit the past i wasn’t allowed to date in H.S.,but once i was out on my own my first relationship was on and off for a year, he gave me no reason not to trust him until he gave me one, but i put up with it he would try to get with my friends when he could thinking i wouldn’t find out, he was a tad controlling, then while he was out to sea he cheated, then he ghosted out of nowhere, i was hurt but got over it. I had another instance where dude chased me for months, he would be good one minute and cold the next. when it was good it was good, but when it was bad it was bad, needless to say it lasted all of four months and it was because he caught feelings for my roommate/friend and wanted to pursue that and that numbed me. fast forward to now I think i’m still a little guarded, on my toes, waiting for the other shoe to drop, therefore it stops me from opening up because i feel like i will be judged or made to be wrong to feel what i feel or wanting to do things I’ve been wanting to do and i will never understand how you can go from one extreme to another on a day to day basis. Secondly, I have a bad case of FOMO i can admit that, but at the end of the day i look at the bigger picture. I want to be there all day everyday but i can’t allow myself to feel that in fear and to know that in reality i could pick up and leave if i wanted to, however I can’t entirely trust that i will be okay in doing so, therefore i need my career even if that means obtaining a second degree, incase for some reason it doesn’t work, i’m not stuck and i’ll be okay at the end of the day no matter what. I don’t want to have to rely on a man for anything EVER in life especially in a financial situation. I saw my mom when it was just her and i and i don’t want that for myself, i need to succeed in something i don’t want to struggle and shouldn’t have to, I refuse to settle for anything. I think i’m so set in my ways i’m not able to let anyone close to me especially if you cross me once. I’m not in rush for anything, i’m not worried about the major milestones at this point. 

[angelicstarr2009]

Aching

After tonight, i don’t think i will ever be the same. My heart is literally breaking right now, but i literally feel like i’m an added  thing that broke him. In hindsight after tonight i feel like maybe we’ve run it’s course, but i can’t really do or be there  like i would like to be  for him right now because i’m not 100%. i feel bad  and to know that he found someone after me who could and he couldn’t put his all into because of something i caused hurts, i never want to get in the way of someone’s happiness. my heart literally aches for him and it sucks that i can’t really do anything about it.  I just don’t know what to do in this moment and it sucks. decisions decisions. 

[angelicstarr2009]

Realization

Today I was dealt with a great deal of clarity. I am who I am. I was raised how i was raised and I’m learning now that it’s backfiring on me. I was taught one thing and now i’m told that it’s okay to do the opposite. I was told that it’s okay to do what i want within respect for myself and respect to the house that i currently reside which is not my own. But as i sit down and write I’ve to realize that i need to figure out my feelings or sort if you will, because i’ve been operating this whole ordeal so wrong and now i see it. i am still learning, considering i didn’t date in High School at all like most and other things. But i’ve always been raised that if the man wants you he would do everything to prove it, but now i’m seeing that it’s okay to meet someone halfway and with that said i think i will block out a few weekends a month to visit, because if my aunt who is by the book (Bible) is asking why i haven’t been out to see him that it must be okay lol however i just don’t know what more i can possibly do to show that i’m in it besides that but i’ll figure it out soon. until then i will go back to creating my vision board for 2019 signing off Bye!!

[angelicstarr2009]

My Struggle

My struggle as of late is that i may be battling bouts of depression, most days i don’t feel like myself, i don’t want to be around anyone or do anything. These last few months have been rough, its like i am watching everyone’s life progress and i’ve come to a sudden stand still; granted I have had a great deal of success and accomplishments, I’ve also had a great deal of failures and I am learning to sit in it especially with the most recent. 

I am not okay, and i am coming to grips with that. I am not okay with all aspects of my life. It’s sucks that i am nowhere near where i want or should be and i am about a hop and a skip away from being 30. I’m trying not to compare my life to anyone else’s but its just so easy to do. 

Most people my age are settled in a career, maybe married, started a family not that i have a desire to have kids, are in a house. I don’t have any of that. 

I am behind the curve, I have a whole bachelor degree with a certification and experience and i still can’t get a job, I am in a relationship that is pretty much going up in smoke, basically waiting on it to implode.  

it’s hard to think positively when everything is working against you, Literally. 

What am i doing wrong? 

[angelicstarr2009]

Conflicted

I’m back!! I know it’s been a minute, but normally i generally only use this to release my inner thoughts, so with that being said i feel as if i have a dilemma on my hand, backed into a corner if you will; just recently it was brought to my attention once again that the person that I am dealing with feels that if he doesn’t do anything then nothing will progress, and i have to say he’s right according to the beliefs and how i feel about certain things, However due to recents events it’s not helping his case nor mines for that matter to even think about uprooting to me it’s just not smart. 

As long as he has been complaining about me not being there for as long as i’ve known him the situation in my eyes is no different, i have been in school for 4 years, if it was that important that i be there he would have been stable in most aspect in order for me to feel comfortable about making that kind of commitment especially one that big without the one thing i said that needed to happen before i could even consider that next step. 

My heart literally wants to be there with him but being the logical person i know it wouldn’t be a good situation considering neither of us is stable enough to support each other. I know long distance relationships are hard that is not lost upon me, however i believe that if the man really wants that woman he would move heaven and earth to make it known, he wouldn’t let a lot of time pass without seeing her, a women will only do what it shown which is how my S.O is doing, which i find it to be a complete role reversal, He isn’t hearing any of my wants or needs, he only cares about his own. 

He says he has to see action from me, or that he hasn’t really seen any action from me besides the promise rings (which i no longer wear) in which i beg to differ, i introduced him to my entire family which is a big deal for me, i don’t bring anyone home, so me doing that means something to me, i don’t just be bring random people home like maybe he does when you meet someone, i don’t know his protocol. 

And now that i think about it, i haven’t really seen much either besides listening to his words and taking them for what its worth without seeing the actual receipts, i don’t know what all he has done to try and relocate for all i know he didn’t try hard enough and he just telling a load of crap just to get off the hook and leaving it all up to me. I don’t even feel comfortable moving that far because i feel like he barely comes around to just spend time with my family enough to feel comfortable about me making that move. 

Maybe he needs someone who is just as emotional and can just jump on whim and not think of the what ifs, I’m all for being closer but not at my expense, maybe it’s time that i realize my worth and know that i am actually worth courting even with distance, maybe i need someone out of my age range lol jk (maybe)

#venting 

[angelicstarr2009]

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Really listen to what the other person want/need

Expecting the best and working through the worst

Standing in your truth and beliefs

Peace of mind is KEY

Everyone is not for you

Cut off the people who only think of their needs before your own

Trust the people who only have the best of intentions 

[angelicstarr2009]

Dead ass confused

I’m so confused right now, I have never been more confused. Let me back up so you know what i’m talking about... Soooo a few months ago, lets call him J, told me that the feelings he had for me went away and that he has love for me but not in love with me...which in my head, i was like okay and then with that came a big blow to the gut, granted i haven’t always been right myself.  keep tracking... so then proceeds to say that to justify what he had said “You’re not in love with someone when you first meet them are you? I’m like negro, we ain’t just met TF,  anyways after being told that, I’ve pretty much operated as such, I’m not uprooting my life for someone who I “supposedly just met” and “don’t know” that would be stupid, I’m not gonna just leave what I’m familiar with so that J can have his cake and eat it too. I’m all for closing the distance and being able to have a sense of normalcy of a relationship, but i will not live with someone to make that happen. As of lately it feels as if he only uses the years we’ve known each other or dating or whatever  for his own selfish reasons or when he feels some sorta of way and it suits him and thinking i should go along with it, as if he forgot what he told me or as if i have, newsflash...I HAVEN’T.  I don’t play wife to anyone who hasn’t earned the right, which is why i refuse to shack up or live with anyone that’s what’s wrong with females and males these day thinking they deserve to be treated as such...No one has earned that right to wake up with a female/Male that cooks, cleans and etc. without earning it and  living as such but don’t have the title; I am not about that life. period. why buy the cow when you get the milk for free right? If I must move, I am getting my own. I want my own. I need my own, should it go left, I can leave with no harm done. Sometimes i wonder who teaches these people that it’s okay to live with their significant others and create life with any and every Tom, Dick and Harry, and Sarah, Tonya and Latoya and feel like that’s okay, That’s not okay with me and that’s not the way I was brought up and that will never be okay in my book. #Venting  #time2getreal #Moralschallenged 

[angelicstarr2009]

What am I doing wrong???

I don’t know what i am doing anymore. I’m banging my head against the wall, I feel like im losing in my own relationship, like i get the crap end of the stick. I get the long distance relationships are hard work, and im definitely ok with putting in the work but to what extent? because i feel like im floating on my own. i don’t feel loved, i feel like someone who just exist, sometimes i feel like i should just be solo because he doesn’t treat me as someone he cares about and because i feel like this the feeling is reciprocated. How do you go from talking like bffs to barely speaking at all?? I went from being head over heels to wanting to shove a knife in my heart, so i can’t feel or care as much. Am i not good enough to go all out for, why is it that guys feel like women should move heaven and earth for them, newsflash that’s not how it works. well signing off. 

xoxo

lonely southern gal 

[angelicstarr2009]

At War

I’m clearly at war with myself, I often find myself having to try and validate my relationship in some shape or form to myself. I’m often left to feel like how i feel and what my beliefs are doesn’t matter as long as one end of the relationship is satisfied and i don’t know why i continue to put myself in that predicament, and can only sustain so much. I occasionally say I love you from time to time and its not reciprocated, I try to do little things to make him feel special, but its not reciprocated. I often feel like the man in the relationship, I no longer feel like the woman in the relationship. I feel like I’m more of the man, trying to prove my worth and what i have to offer while he sits there waiting on me to make something happen, instead of the other way around. while some are big on action than words, i definitely can say action has been When did men become so lazy i guess i can call it, a man is supposed to prove to the woman that he is a suitable and potential mate and or husband. A relationship will never be 50/50 ever in life, as i now come to realize. I am convinced that chivalry is dead especially in the black community, and i say this to say some are raised in single parent homes and some mothers aren’t teaching their boys/girls how to be MEN/Women. I feel it’s taught that it’s okay to shack up, it’s okay to have multiple baby mothers/fathers, just all around crap ass backwards; some become a product of what they see and think its okay to live the same way, and battling that ideology is tiring especially if they see nothing wrong with it; What’s wrong with doing it the right way? . The only positive is that marriage is on the table possibly, but I’m always wondering if it’s me that he wants it with, or he just doesn’t know. I won’t say its jealousy even in the slightest bit, but when i see people get engaged literally after 7 months of knowing each other and they know, so there’s should be no excuse if we’ve literally been dealing with each other for almost 5 years minus a few months, for obvious reasons and for those obvious reasons are still bugging me to this day, i’m not obsessing or anything but because he cheated then went back to her, then after i gave an ultimatum, he continued to talk to her which cause me to be dragged into more nonsense, and i just felt like i was wasting my time after that. But he keeps asking to show that im into this relationship, i can think of more than one, but i’m the one who is consistently getting hurt over some dumb stuff especially involving her. i often find myself at war, because in the back of my head, I’m feel like i am wrong all the time in every aspect, like i can’t do anything right. if it’s meant to be it will be, because as of right now my current doesn’t show half the affection i see my parents and grandparents have, and i want that.

xoxo

twisted and confused 

[angelicstarr2009]

Wonder

I often wonder if I’m going to be good enough. I wonder if what I know is true and he just doesn’t know what exactly he wants. I wonder a lot about what about her made him go back to her fresh off a breakup, which to me was a slap in the face (kind of). I wonder if i am truly the right one for him especially if I can’t get him to commit to me seriously before offering him the benefits that only a future husband should be entitled to. I wonder why men (boys) feel as if they have the right to have or make the woman prove that they are worthy of them when in fact it’s the man that must prove that he is suitable for the woman by way of courting, what are these parents or parent teaching them these days. I wonder if we are a product of our environment and what we see as a norm and can be a detriment to a relationship. I wonder if the hesitant feeling I feel is a sign. I’m on a whirlwind of emotions and I’m really just trying to figure it out.

XOXO

Dazed and confused

[angelicstarr2009]

Snapping into reality

Finally snapping into my own reality, I'm coming to terms with what will probably never be. I don't understand why men or boys feel like the women should be the one to prove that they want them, since when has it ever been done that way? Boys or men of this generation is just twisted, I blame the parents for teaching this jacked up approach

[angelicstarr2009]

Song lyric choice

If I could go back to the day we met I probably would've stayed in bed You wake up everyday and make me feel like I'm incompetent.... - Blackbear do re mi

[angelicstarr2009]

Watching from the sidelined

It’s never easy watching other people’s lives progress into a happy joyous momentous occasions. As i watch, i can’t help but wonder if my ambitions keeping me from my very own happy ending or the men that I’m picking. i don’t want to know how far i will go to make someone know if i’m the one or not, i want someone to just know. I don’t feel like you have to live with someone to know, maybe moving close,but  now and days men have this notion that they don’t have to prove to anything to a  woman that they’re the one that woman should want in their lives but the other way around.   

[angelicstarr2009]

Knowing Your Worth

what is your worth? My worth is valuable, nonnegotiable, unapologetic, always striving to be better do better, stay educated, respectable, fearful and fearless, independent, leader, spiritual, not perfect, perfection, confusing, straight forward, hard working, determined, goal oriented,stubborn, steadfast, quiet, loud, observant,social, love, hurt, guarded, helpful, charitable. these things i listed makes me...me. These are the things that make me who i am and who i will continue to be. i will not falter and if i do i will rise. and i know i am a force to be reckoned with, and one day i will be unstoppable. With these traits in a relationship should only help one grow towards a certain goal and not deterred. 

xoxo 

determined