angelamyaass

[angelamyaass]

the inclusion revolution

it was kind of a blast from the past seeing aki at the special needs bball game coaching them against kevin ahaha and i’m glad lily went with me, i stagnated from doing these types of things because i didn’t know who would want to also support but obviously lily is always down for something simple but nice like this. aki had tons of student groupies and everyone loves her, adults and students. She’s really such a great mentor and I’m glad she’s still contributing in such a vital way to people. i think that’s just one of the best places someone can be, especially with the capacity of care that aki has. i was also kind of sad that none of her friends from the church have ever visited or supported her at these things, or like ken was invited but he was like “i don’t want to go” and i’m like what the heck LOL. literally it’s someone who has done so much for us, and someone who is STILL doing so much for local communities, how can you not want to support that? sometimes i feel like the church has much us feel like better people or that we help a lot than we really do/are. when disasters strike, or situations blow up, do we go on site or coordinate with local charities to help people? or do we just send money or food to perhaps an affected church member if anything at all. with the millions to billions the church received from church members, did they open homeless shelters, did they build nonprofits that don’t revolve around conferences but action, or did they build palaces and mansions and things that fit their own agenda for only themselves. it really hurts me how little this church does and genuinely cares for all people. i feel like i could’ve been apart of something great growing up so hardcore in a “religious giving organization” but got screwed by a selfish corrupt piece of shat and now i have to build something on my own lol. i think the area of youth group is sweet but focused on the wrong forms of education and even connection, because it’s so exclusive and it makes people think they can’t outreach or connect to anyone “outside” the church. so that’s why seeing aki mentor in the high school is really awesome to me and the whole “inclusion revolution” is such a wonderful phrase to me in general. so now i want to really make the change this year more than any time before to not just chill in life. I’m already pretty committed to Leaving Saturdays open to do something outside of myself. I’m going to set those up now. I know those would be big paydays for reffing but i’ll find the balance. And then I think I really need to be mindful of how I intend to plan the 2nd half of the year and even beyond that. It will be hard for me to mentor, though even my one month as a supervisor at that hostel i felt like i improved a lot of peoples days and experiences, and that was really small but nice lol. so i’m sure I can find something small to do. but i also don’t want to sell all my time or put too much on myself these next 2 months so we’ll see. anyway i hope i develop more into a person i’m proud of at 26. i feel really like i’ve been living so much for myself my whole life. i’ve done things for my family but i’ve also been annoying or neglectful to them LOL. i lived for owin for like 10 yearS what a waste LOL sorry owin. anyway here’s to finding causes and connecting to people who want movement and change.

[angelamyaass]

bangkok china

meeting with a traveler named phil tonight. he’s vegan and a thru hiker so i’m kind of fascinated with what he’s learned and what kind of life he wants to live. i haven’t tried to meet up with travelers since i’ve been back here even though i’m confident and super interested in hearing his experiences, it does bring back the nerves you get when solo traveling and the combination of hope and dread of meeting new people lol. it’s exhausting to go through your story so many times with people, especially ones that may just fleet in and out, but it’s also exhilarating and bonding and you never know who will stick around. anyway regardless he seems really down to earth and kind so i’m sure there will be good vibes, i don’t have a vegan friend in this area or even a world traveler friend so thats like the perfect combination for me lol. if this goes poorly then it’s funny HAHAHAha. anyway. almost 26 years old, gotta start making things happen for myself. i’m excited to work 2 months in an office setting. and then 3 months of outdoor exercise with good ol reffing lol. and then 6 months in australia somewhere, somehow. i hope i make enough to support myself in life HAHA. sometimes i wonder if i should just get a 60-70k job or even a 50k nonprofit and just see what it’s like to live without paying down debt and working 2 jobs. i’m sure it could be a decent life. lol. Based on how this tax season goes is whether i’ll definitely come back end of january or not next year. so right now is just a lot of anticipation, seeing what these first 6 months will be like for me, because like sarah said, this is like what transitioning from nz to here shouldve been, or it’s finally starting now. 8 months later. but i do know that friends is currently an up in the air experience. everyone is doing their own thing, in their own part of the world and because of that i feel as though i have a lot of friends but also not many lol. and this is a year when i want to in a weird way de-prioritize friendships minus a few lol. and focus on building and producing and changing

[angelamyaass]

brother from a nutterbutter

not above you, not below you, just by your side. here’s the plan of my life that i will never read again but i like taking time to write it out over and over in different platforms LOl Endo January: Clearing out some crap from houses. February = fully focus on tax/wabbit season. no reffing. grandfather’s memorial mid feb. March = awko crosso of reffing & taxes, busiest month. nyc trip to visit dutchy mid march?  Reffing[monday, tues, weds(5-9), sunday(8-3)] saturdays = volunteer/day off. April = 2 weeks maybe OTing with taxes. 2 weeks of reffing. Apply WHV for Aussie. May = Reffing, flex schedule. June = Reffing til 20th, flex schedule. June 23rd - June 30th Francai. Wherez Worldo Cup. 1st Week July DONEys(split, scotland, austria) 2nd Week visit lisa/marie? 3rd week solo backpack OR head to aussie.  August: Hostel & Find a job, then find a flat. Find a car if needing lol. Sept-Jan = 3-6 month contract. few weeks roadtrip January or December OR SE Asia. Plan A) Come back for tax season Plan B) Come back for FT Job Hunt Plan C) Stay in Aussie for a Year. Travel Summer, THEN Come back for FT job hunt. Plan D) Don’t Go to Aussie and make things happen here Plan E) Go somewhere else completely uncalled for lol.

[angelamyaass]

temp home

http://www.traveldiariesapp.com/en/PublicDiary/91e014dd-85e9-4d36-b177-32f3206a3a9a

[angelamyaass]

toooodaay

today was nice. i think having the moment to like just sit in and relax was really needed. It’s almost been 25 days: 10 Day Road Trip with my Family - germany austria france. 3 Day 80+ people Done Reunion - Bad Camberg 3 Days with 3 of my girls from Done - Wetzler 5 Days with 3 of my girls from Nurnberg(also done, iris is a soul mate) + 5 hours with that flixbus dude lol. 4 Days with my cousins/Aunt+ cousin’s boyfriend. - Leeds A lot of fun, a lot of action and relaxing and laughing. I think I realized in the trip that I shouldn’t solo it and should take advantage of the friends I have here as the entire two reasons for this is connection and “contribution”, which contribution won’t come into play until way later. once i visit my two australian friends i’ll have seen 18 out of 20 of my doners. and even though i may not have had proper see you later hangouts with people at home my main goal is to be consistent and skype/call at least every month - which maybe that’s not impressive but still consistency is key lol. It feels really weird to be on vacation but like with no strings attached or work to go back to necessarily. I do have refereeing and taxes waiting if I need it but I also can choose when to go back to that so it’s interesting to be semi free until i’m broke lol. I’m learning to be a lot more open and direct,and I guess honest with who I am with people. It’s also hard to receive because when you travel I feel you depend on others for help because you’re lost and dumb lol, but hopefully I can return the favor somehow in the future, or give to other travelers. It’s wild there’s a world of people waiting to meet you or to connect. How crazy that we stay locked inside our own little realms of comfort. 7 billion people and we cross paths with like 1000 maybe. anyway it’s been interesting times. there’s a lot for me to work on. i’m low energy still becausae i didn’t eat or hydrate properly lolo. but i was grateful to talk to lily and andy todaaaay. +gabby a little.  i think i realize a lot more how grateful i am to have these positive people in my life. It’s really not easy to find people who care, or perhaps it is in some ways as I travel I meet a lot of nice people haha, but consistently caring and putting effort I feel is rare. I think I’ll have 4 more days with my cousin and 6 more days with my different done friends. theeen 21 days with aiwa. then i’m by myself forever unless i convinced people to visit lol. but the point is to be by myself and thus forced to meet new people so it’s good lol. but if people visit i’m gonna treat them like nz is my home lol. a few people want to come in december/january aka the peak time go figure. hahah i’ll see if i survvived.

[angelamyaass]

i wanna get lost in the night now - 6/5/16

i want to recap the past week because i laughed really hard - iris is such a soul mate it’s amazing lol. i’ve had my hardest and most constant laughs with her despite only spending probably a total time of like 5 months with her over 5 years. the best image in the world is when we play sports and you run towards her and she’s standing there in her 4′10 glory super focused ready to tackle you ahahahhaha i just can’t go on any further after seeing that. size 4 feet. oh my god the sweetest thing ever. i wanted to write about the future because i’m in lowkey panic but i think i’ll just write the memories from the week as best i can instead because that’s more fun to read lol. who CARES ABOUT SANITY. MONDAAY -> koookoooo day trip with aiwa to NJ lol. girl was mad sleep deprived because she worked on her projects all weekend and drove a friend to the airport at 3am, and wouldn’t sleep until i forced her to for 20 minutes at the end lol. was it necessary for us to spend 10 hours of our day to pick them up probably not, it just made them sit in the car for longer LOL foreshadow of their week. and we listened to elisa’s music most of the way ahahah poor iris - her face always a little bit distraught when i offered elisa to play her music lol. anyway it was nice, aiwa and i usually hang out in my car but this time we were actually driving somewhere hahahah. i appreciate her dedication, i feel like i was kinda tooooo involved 24/7 and that made aiwa feel the need to be more involved because she was trying to cut slack away from me but she had her obligations and it didn’t make sense for her to do so much either lol. GOOD TEAM GOOD TEAM!! heard two little german voices from hana’s apartment lol it was cute to see them in murica, kinda surreal, 3 years goes by but it feels like nothing lol.  we watched how to lose a guy in 10 days lol, and a comedian named russell peters “somebody’s bought to get reeeeaal hurt” then drove back. lol. i don’t think i fathomed until now i drove 10 hours that day LOL. honestly i drive 3 hours daily on average probably.  tuesday -> we tried to make it chill ish and soooooo what did we do i think we walked darcy LOL bless, went to shilla, iris failed to buy her mochi, it was all gone by the time she went back haha, and then we went to the learning center to play DDR(their first time, ahahha iris kept going way ahead of the arrows) and then just dance and dix it which was fun with reina ken and leo. the squaaad. we also went to pet land and played with the most vicious puppy hahahahah we named him voldemort. should’ve gone with iris’ choice lol. aiwa left for a wordup meeting in MD, then came back for just dance lol trooper. wednesday -> we were supposed to go to shenandoah but it was scrapped and we went to play minigolf on my lakeridge ghetto basic course LOL but they had words at every round like “honesty, perserverence, judgement, sportsmanship” so we tried to do obstacles involving them, lol. we’re so moral for 20 somethings lol. theeen we did a picnic in occoquan on the oil water pier and did a best friend challenge lol they’ve known each other since birth but me & aiwa semi won. i didn’t connect this but me and iris are both 24 and elisa i think is 20, aiwa is 21. lol so that’s funny we have the age gaps. aiwa’s more mature than me in many senses though Lol. then we went rollerblading hahahahah oh gosh. we’re pros. then bowling with the squad, i broke 100! go merkel LOL. i was doing pretty poorly then i got the best score of the game by getting a strike and a spare at the last round, and beat aiwa’s 102 by 103 LOOL. but then ken and leo got really cocky and a million strikes the next game lool. lleo and his dumb leg lift haha. poor iris, the germans had a strong game the first round but then died off hahaha. thursday -> went to DC, met up with maika, shake n shack(shake n shake as they call it), ghost cat & scary face masks friday -> lax day, hammocks, nice and low to the ground is how iris and i like it, and scary bug net lool. then pet land failed then sports with ken and american mcdonalds experience lool. tiny happy meal fries case. saturday -> “beach” aka illegally going to leo’s beach that he’s not a resident anymore haha. then getting smoothies, watched a bad movie i didn’t want to watch lol table 19, outside though so it was nice minus bugs haha, recorded our own version of what do you mean lol, then went to wafflehouse, forgot they didn’t serve pancakes, prob should’ve done ihop lool but it’s ok wafflehouse is cheap and fast haha.  then went to lake and got kicked out, iris tried to run to make it moreexciting lool. sunday -> last day, went ghetto gokarting, i was in the lead but slowed down and then it was impossible to pass someone cause you cant bump them lol. thanks hyattsville hahah. then went to ceciles and tried every sport again round 2 LOL, played kemps and board games/telestrations. drove to union station. scene. ;lol i got lazy and didn’t describe anything.haha i feel bad we drove so much and didn’t get to see like the best thigns in the area even. but i had great talks and jokes with iris so i was really happy, lol i think if i didn’t havae this trip coming up that i feel uneasy about it’d be easier for me but it’s all good, it gave me a lot of insight on how to plan better and how to be a better travelereer and host/hostee lol whenever i see darcy i hug him a lot because i wont see him soon and even though he hates it and is obviously not happy to be hugged unless i have food, it still makes me sad and like i’ll miss him LOL. i’m getting pretty nostalgic at this point right now, i kinda wish i just came back after the trip/reunion almost cause i’m realizing i didn’t spend enough time with people at home. but oh well i’ve spent my whole life here so one can argue i spent too much time and it’s time to get uncomfortable lol. tuesday -> is PACKING DAY. I’m going to test my gear & PACK & Buy anything I think I need @ potomac mills area. treat yo’self. otherwise i’ll just buy it when i’m abroad it’s not a big deal as long as i have the proper survival self defense stuff lol. wednesday-> will be logistics day, planning out tentative order of my schedule/destinations.i think i have to get comfortable traveling solo for a week cause i want to hit the spots that i don’t know people in lol. contacting banks and phone company for international stuff. knowing my to do list when i get into new zealand. updating my profiles on the sites. calling chase airlines to change china flight. we’ll see if i actually do these things those days before planning the other 6 lol. thursday -> friday -> saturday -> sunday ->

monday -> tuesday ->

[angelamyaass]

5/25 : i need my current location to be your current location - fly back to me

Lot going on in my head, I’m finally done with reffing,so I guess one can say i’m officially unemployed in some senses, woohoo, everything my college education worked for & that I worked to get rid of the debt from my education, lol.  I feel pretty secure though, even though in the beginning I felt like a loser I guess for not having a 9-5, even though I was still working and making more haha so it’s dumb. Anyway I hope I invested enough for the rest of this year lol. It’s kind of unreal, I don’t feel like I should be allowed to enjoy life, but hopefully I find ways to make it fulfilling so I feel less guilty. I’m torn right now between spending quality time with people, planning the logistics and goals of my trip because I feel like i’m wandering aimlessly right now a little...and making sure my family is secure with things financially and health wise. I have 2 1/2 weeks to balance out those, but it’s a pretty good “stress” or “issue” for me to have. i’m not forgetting my privilege in all this. i hope i can find and learn ways to be more involved in the world through this trip. i don’t know, the psychology and the mind of each person is so fascinating, and everyone has their own story, background and baggage. lol and i analyze this more in other people because i’m not solely focused on one person aka a relationship. i think my freedom from owin has contributed to my fear of commitment amongst other things from my upbringing, so while i want to experience that level of love i’m also not pressed in ways, because i don’t want to commit honestly lol, i feel like i’m not needy enough yet for that so i’m not willing to force things yet lol. anyway, iris and elisa should be here, i hope they make it to hana’s NYC at night oh god lol. no phones either..haha...oy. brings me back to taking a bus and meeting iris but we had no way to contact each other but i found her waiting and saw her semi concerned before she noticed me, ahah cutest person ever. i’m excited to show them the crap that i live in hahahahah jk the district. i just hope i can get my crap together because i don’t want to be low key stressed or anything like that. PLEASE GET IT TOGETHER ANGELA. I have 3 days and 1 of them is my mom’s birthday, i applied for my mom’s social security today even though she didn’t want to, because she thinks emotionally rather than logically lol, and i gave her the laptop i bought her for her birthday because she’s struggled with a total garbage one for a year or 2 now. she was really surprised because i’m pretty strict with money so she was in shock, and i didn’t give it in a like loving way i was just like fill out your form on this it’s faster lol. my compassion is overwhelming loll, i do something really sweet but in an asshole way HAHAH. i live to destroy sentiment and sincerity.. anyway i’m going to organize myself into those 3 categories and hope i figure my life out lol. good luck to me.

[angelamyaass]

dancin in the kitchen, i could call you my new religion

today was chill because both my games got canceled from rain so there was a release. i just listened to music while trying to work on the endless task of my room lol. i only have 6 days left of reffing but it still feels like too many, it’s been a long season lol, and i need to ref 3 more games to get a bonus so aahh i’ll see. i was supposed to get dinner with andy but that fell through, leo brought me pies and i paid his taxes online with him, lol. i enjoy the random times leo visits me around 9-10pm to do his practical shat HAHahahah. no one else could visit my house that late, o the things one can do when living 10 minutes away from someone lol. i always kinda envied those friendships where you can just drop in daily or be there really quick if you make a desperate phone call.  that was nice though i needed social interaction outside my family i realize LOL. we’re going to NY tmrw to see the german side of the family. so that 8 hour road trip will be fun lol. without carissa it’ll just be me alone singing 100 bottles of beer on the wall in 100 different accents. lol. how nathan didn’t strangle us i don’t know. darcy’s coming so god help us all lol this morning i started a conversation with my mom asking her how i can learn to accept. lol. i truly need to be around ultra light and positive people otherwise i’ll be so entrapped in critical thinking. but i was reading the comments of the ice cream post aiwa tagged me in about thailand, and everyone was pissed and commenting things like “that money could be spent on charities, wasting ice cream” etc. and i was like god those people are total drags even though of course there’s accuracy.  what a tough balance lol. my reality is if i don’t or can’t do anything about it, then the plausible thing to do is to accept it. but i think sometimes i have potential influence in a situation and i don’t know if i should use it or not. anyway ultimately i need to accept more. i need to not get so triggered by people who are close minded or assholes unless its affecting someone else, but just do my own thing lol. i’m going to practice thinking positively about situations or things that are brought up, at least initially haha. and then if i can balance it out, i was also thinking of an ideal day how i’d spend it. in terms of solitude it’d be having either tea/biscuits or coffee/bagel breakfast and a hammock or comfy couch and a book or podcast. + a guitar or piano to play around with. or a soccer ball and some music to juggle to if i’m less of a lazy pig. i’m just wondering how i’ll spend my days in new zealand lol. i can imagine myself wandering aimlessly in a broke down car trying to find work or accommodation that is a good deal lol. lots to think about these next few weeks. talked to hana hahaha love her. should be a good road trip if we get it together lol.

[angelamyaass]

a survival brain

here’s the thing i’ve been working on over the years and have yet to breakthrough opting out of my survival brain. tony robbins is pretty accurate in my opinion when he says we have a 2 million old brain thats conditioned to seek negativity/what’s wrong because that thinking optimizes our survival instincts in situations. it takes a lot of manual effort to look the opposite way at what’s right. this is something i utilize so much in life.  but if i’m honest, that brain, although it is quite literally a bitch LOL, has probably helped me reach my goals. but despite reaching my goals, i feel I’m not able to enjoy them because the journey during it is constantly at some point of stress or seeing the negatives of the situation.  i think that’s what draws me to kiwi/nz culture is that they’re so laidback and friendly and relaxed. they just accept things. i really need a strong first hand experience on acceptance. letting things be as they are. not trying to change what’s not mine to change. i think i could never reach that point to that extent because if i’m honest, the accepting/laidback mindset can help people in terms of positivity and support, but when it comes to people actually truly suffering, there needs to be critical thinking and a focus on all the issues in order to understand solutions. both sides are valuable to humanity and happiness. anyway this week’s been weird it’s humpday and i threw out my neck saturday so i’ve been just kinda dying at home and then mustering up the strength to ref in the afternoon-evenings even though i can’t move my neck. it’s gotten better hopefully it goes away, but this may be a problem when i’m traveling if it comes back. reminds me of needing some type of health insurance. i’m almost exactly 30 days away from departure. i don’t feel prepared very much at all lol. I randomly look up things but I don’t have it compiled to one list i don’t have all the gear i’ll need. and it’s a little awkward going to NZ at the end of winter because all the rest of the weather will be warm or warm & rainy lol, so i’m not sure how to go about it lol. it’s also discouraging that although i’ve freed up my mornings/afternoons - i still feel like i get nothing done or i haven’t had a plan because nathan and carissa were here then i threw out my neck after the first day of decluttering lol. so i wonder if that’ll even change when i’m overseas or if i’m just spending a lot more money to do nothing LOL.  anyway i’m good i’m good. have a few hours before my game but need to take the dorky for a walk.   i kinda resent myself for reffing still but i’m not sure if i didn’t ref if that would change my productivity or not. anyway it’s almost over and i’ll have 2& 1/2 wks of free days though 1 week will be w/ iris probably. lol i have such mini anxiety man HAHA i just want everythign to b e planned and packed and room to be moved out and to create an exercise place for my parents in the basement so they don’t die lol.i feel like somethings going to happen while i’m overseas that’ll put me in a weird position of coming back or not. both my grandfathers are quite old. alright darcy i’m coming for ya, please don’t be a butt on this walk, LOl, but if you are i’ll just focus on the good things ;)

[angelamyaass]

it’s a sign of the times 4/24

we don’t talk enough, we should open up. i think the physical exhaustion took a real toll on me today. i felt a little emotionally unstable and more vulnerable to negativity or just overthinking - and just in general i was real out of it and needed energy lol. i enjoy these low or challenging scenarios because it’s only when they happen and i’m aware of it in that very moment that i can try to change it and work on self control. never do it quite the way i want to tho lol. it was really good for me to get out of the house, but it happened really fast and ii think it’s a lot for my body and brain to take - as i haven’t digested things and have just been asking more and more questions confusing myself lol. but it’s ok - always on the go lol.  i feel like this trip to see liily in her gpa element helped me in a lot of ways. it was nice to see lily with a bunch of people who really love her and have been with her through her year, which - not to say lily hasn’t struggled- but i think this year more than anything has been the most challenging from what i’ve known of her life the past like 7 years or whatnot lol. i think the year before with questioning faith/life and the cool nova kids and the angelic rebellion lool was also tough but in a different way lol. but yeah it was nice to see the support group and lifelong friendships she has built. i really wanted to understand gpa more so i could connect and be a bigger part of lily’s year because i want nothing more than to support her and have her felt understood. and i think i was getting there but then the last day it kinda fell off the earth for me so i suck lol. it was also nice to talk to mia, our relationship is mad sarcastic but i really admire mia and her intentions and insight into the world. she’s super real but also really positive, which is refreshing for me as i feel most people i know are ideal which is awesome but i feel like i bring them down if i offer my input lol. and the way her brain works vibes with me a lot lol. talking to fuyu was interesting too lolo. girls gained a looot of confidence. and ko had red scary eyes lol. wish ken came but i get why he wouldnt lol. i kinda wish i was more sincere with catching up with ko, he was in my workshop group the last two years and he’s a really great and hilarious person. lol i just feel like i’m not a soul person for people so i try less because they’re better off with others in my mind lol. same with guppy but it’s cool to see him, and i tried to connect to jesun a little bit cause that kid was aloone, he seems super sweet now. he was a total butt when he was young LOL. arent we all. anyway it was funny to see kinda the last generation i know through youth group in that environment. i was really grateful ariana was there because i feel we both could connect on on a mutual understanding of our environment - not to say it wasn’t a great place to be or we didn’t want to be there with lily. lol “i’ll go to the hell i WANT” even though lilys my child and husband i did feel like it was more hana’s place to be. so i felt a little bit confused on my role as i wanted lily to spend time with hana and spend time with everyone while they’re all still together, and i just personally am going through some questioning/seeking phase that i didn’t want to bring lily or anyone there into because i haven’t established balance lol,i’ve just been working and pushing off everything and now im starting to think slightly again lol.  i also was just torn between supporting it wholeheartedly and my stubborn side of wanting justice and an expansion of knowledge. these kids are finding true parents and god and declaring theyre dedicating their lives to that, or at least 1-3 years lol, which is awesome to have such sincerity and desire to do good, but havent read the bible which is the basis of every religion and theory they believe in the dp, or know any other possible religion or potential theories on life mooore than likely. except lily who explored mormonism so respect to lily lolol. the way people would talk really put down the other religions and built up the unification movement felt unfair because i feel like no one even gave a fair shot to studying anything else  besides what they’ve been spoon fed, as most people in this world do/ i did/i don’t know anything lol. and the way they talk about rev moonfrom an outside perspective feels like an unhealthy idolization of very imperfect people that one chooses to not see the imperfections of lol. 3 wives. illegitimate children. pedophile(married a 16 year old in his mid 30s, bitch i’d never let my 16 year old marry someone lol),several sex abuse testimonies. didn’t raise his family. forced sweet needy college kids to fundraise for 3-7 years for him instead of get an education or use their talents lol. i’m glad that all the parents are happy and felt like they had a purpose and can look back and feel good about things, felt like they had to sacrifice so we don’t have to, and have built some great families and have community, lol but i can only imagine the pain my grandparents and everyone else’s family felt when they had to watch their child drop their entire lives, marry a total stranger and completely listen to a narcisstic korean guy lol. that’s always gonna be an awkward thing in my family. lol. so i find it funny when parents get so sad or upset or there’s this guilt if your kid doesn’t stay in the church, because your kid is just doing exactly what you did and figuring out their own path and ideally not following someone wack lol.  i realize that this is religion for everyone, everywhere. people just take what makes sense to them and works for them in their life and upbringing, and their personal experiences or how they perceive the world, and make up a “truth” which is relative to them. then they stick with it because that’s what they’ve grown up with. i mean what the hell else can you do LOL. everyone is entitled to believe what they want to believe and have their own experience no one else can know about it or say what someone should be or do, so really it’s just let it be if it’s not truly harming anyone and the intention is to help people and love people. but i just feel like it’s sucked me into this life thats a little narrow and doesnt have the best connections for actual contribution but thats ultimately my own fault so i shouldn’t assume that its that way  for everyone else. i have no control and should only focus on what i can control which is doing my own shit lol. if i build a nonprofit empire and end world hunger, then maybe i can have a say on how to contribute in life lol. until then i can shut up LOL.  all of this towards the movement is just pain coming from my strong dislike for myself for not actually trying to know anything growing up in it. lol. i just felt like i did but never did my research. and to come to the realization that i’m an ignorant narrowminded asshole was and is rough lol. like sure the dp made sense, because any LITTLE glance at an alternative perspective,i was fed the other perspectives as if they didn’t make sense, and i never actually got the viewpoint from someone else who believed it and why lol. i also didn’t really know much about what else was out there and i’m still exploring. i’m not desperate or like questioning who i am lol, but i’m curious because i want to understand. i want to connect. i want to help solve all the division we have in religion and politics. in a very small section of the world lol. i’ve been trying to change. i’ve been trying to be more light, be more aware of how people think, why they think it, and how to respect it or not think too seriously on it lol. it’s challenging doing this on my own because i need to be asking people their beliefs personally to get their perspective, if i read it on my own i will just come up with questions and be limited to only what i’m perceiving lol. i don’t believe there is a known ultimate truth but i do believe that the world religions are part of that elephant story. “It is said that once upon a time a king gathered a few men who were born blind. They were asked to describe an elephant, but each one was presented with only a certain part of it. To one was presented the head of the elephant, to another the trunk, to another its ears, to another the leg, the body, the tail, tuft of the tail, etc. The one who was presented with the head said: "The elephant is like a pot!" The one who was presented the trunk answered, "The elephant is like a hose." The one who touched only the ears thought that the elephant was a fan, the others said that it was a pillar, a wall, a rope, a brush, etc. Then they quarreled among themselves, each thinking that he was the only one right and the others were wrong. The obvious truth is that the elephant is a unity of many parts, a unity that they could not grasp in their ignorance. “ so basically what i want to do is focus on the cores that all religions believe(the principle of creation and all the positive things about the world is in every religion) but that alone won’t unite people and that’s why it hasn’t, because it’s these holes, these different interpretations that honestly probably all contradict themselves at some point lol, that have separated religions and caused people to grow up with these “different” belief systems, despite the core of all these belief systems being the same. so if we can find a way to compromise on these interpretations of the holes or look beyond it to the cores, we’ll be in a much better place in politics and religion. like honestly i’d like to go to each religion and be like here’s the evidence that supports your beliefs, and here are the potential holes. but then in the end the beliefs that matter are the ones that we experience everyday and that the majority of the people in this world agree on. it’s just crazy that the majority of the world believes in love and happiness and helping each other but we divide and can’t find a place to belong or fit into, and allow people with greed to control us and our outcomes. we have enough resources and enough knowledge to make the world better and safer but we continue to live in our own world with our own beliefs, not truly connecting to anyone outside of that. i don’t know. it’s very big and beyond me lol. but i’m a writer so i like to read and discuss it but i need to not take it so seriously or i need to keep my humility because i don’t know anything and i know that but by questioning everyone elses knowledge it makes it seem like i feel like i know more than them, but im just dumb and curious lol. and i like to understand because i don’t want to be so critical and an asshole forever lolo. i want to be supportive and loving and light like i was growing up. and perhaps when i read i’ll get knowledge that’ll make me more cynical because usually some of the happiest people are ignorant or just not making the decision to care more in a lot of senses lol. i don’t know what the balance is. i’ll figure it out. i’m in the arrivals section of this airport because these have real comfy chairs and it’s fascinating to see people reunite or wait for someone to arrive lol. airports really bring me back to the idea that there are so many individual stories being created in all these peoples’ lives from all over. humans of new york is really a genius thing. it makes you question the idea of significance. 

[angelamyaass]

angela hdh 4-23-17

you steal the air right out of my lungs you make me feel it. DON’T TAKE THE MONEY. DON’T TAKE THE MONEY. lol i’m surprised i’m operating with this amount of sleep. i feel like i’m gonna drop at some point haha. my mind can’t really process thoughts but i have a lot to contemplate on which i’ll do at the airport, aka my home. lol.  i’m glad i have this domestic solo travel experience as a really small beta test to how it’s going to feel when i travel/ to be on my own for a substantial amount of time, but it’s cheating the real feeling because i have ariana lily and hana lol. when i think about this “plan”, in a sense it’s been a thought that i’ve been turning into a reality since last year, and there’s a lot of energy that’s gone into it.  but part of me is kind of still in a bit of disbelief i guess that i’m actually choosing to spend this much time and go this far into a country where i don’t know anyone with no like internship or place to necessarily be, it’s just me lol.  it doesn’t really feel real lol.  0 expectations because i have a sense of how i’m gonna be lol. this weekend flew by but really it was only less than 48 hours, so it makes sense lol. my laptop’s dying so i’ll continue later. haha i’m slow this morning.  grateful for this opportunity i’ve gained a lot of ideas and perspectives.

[angelamyaass]

angela hdh 4-22-17

i’m understanding the vitalness of setting time aside in the morning to start your day off “right”. the law of momentum is really valid(obviously lol) in the sense that one good decision or thought increases the likelihood and motivation for it to lead to another. not to say that chain can’t be broken as we are innately negative creatures lol, but it really, really helps how one starts, though  one can argue the most important part is how one finishes ;) . i think that’s something that’s been lacking in my schedule in the past few years, i just grabbed coffee and went, sometimes in the early mornings i’d get to see the sun rise on my drive, which was nice, but it all felt rushed and the hecticness and scattered mentality stayed with me the whole day. so things like listening to nice jazzy classics, juggling a soccer ball, and taking my time with making a nice breakfast and reading a book or something to get my day going would really help my quality of thinking. in that, i can really appreciate “hdh” or the meditation or things that are encouraged in the morning, lol but as everyone wires and experiences life differently i’ve found it’s good to go at my own tempo because my needs and what helps me is different in some levels lol, no doubt i can gain something from anything and everyone though so there’s no bad option necessarily. right now i’m jamming alone in this hotel room and it’s lit LOL.  anyway i just wanted to write here how much i appreciate hana ariana and LILY. i have laughed the hardest and longest with them, and we have cried, now not just tears of laughter but tears over helen LOL. but it’s a really great way for me to transition out of everything i’ve been doing and see people who are filled with a lot of love and life, even though we’ve all had our own separate sets of struggles and are in different places, i feel very much always on the same page in many senses with them and it’s refreshing to have people who understand you innately and know you. and put up with your flaws LOL friendship is cute. even though the church throwback is interesting, i’ve come a long way to move a different way from what i’ve known. but it’s still really sweet to see everyone hopeful and sincere in figuring out who they are and improving themselves. that mentality is really nice to see in someone, despite reality being a bit of a bitch LOL. i think it’s hard for me to draw the line of respecting a culture and system, and being myself.  especially when who i am is like super needy for transparency, knowledge and practical solutions whereas in religious structures it’s very faith and believe and it will happen, dream big kinda mentality lol. not to say it’s not true and it doesn’t work, but i just think much differently for better or worse Lol. anyway very grateful to be here and having a great time, i really appreciate lily’s existence + the turd with lazy hands and the turd where things “mind blown me”. onward into this freezing life lol

[angelamyaass]

4/21/17 swim against the current

diiiid it. 2 years of 7 day work weeks 12 hrs a day during spring/fall seasons lol. and now i’m in with a degree, work experience, a foot in the door, no debt(potentially), & the world’s becoming a blank slate again. I wouldn’t mind just reading the rest of the year on a hammock and learning how to think lol. but i think i more need to figure out how to actualize thoughts or words than anything else. the world, the environment, discrimination, poverty, conflict. there’s so many fires to put out, it feels like it can’t be stopped from spreading honestly. the industrial revolution has changed the world and we all fell into this system. but this system is failing and it’s going to blow up soon. everyone’s lonely, unsatisfied, and can’t keep working like the way the world wants us to, we’re too entitled of a generation to keep at it like our parents.  i’ve just been studying a bit more on it and it’s so fascinating the lifestyle the majority of the 1st world lives, everyone’s on a current that isn’t necessarily leading to much happiness. loneliness is growing, and that loneliness is what leads to addictions and unhealthy tendencies and actions. i really want to understand the human perspective more. why people are the way they are and its causation.  what feeds greed, envy, and the competitive drive we have. i listened to a podcast on a perspective on each of the 7 deadly sins and it was interesting because some of the perspectives were defending the sins in a sense, so it was cool to have an alternate scientific perspective on innate human nature.

anyway i think the goal for this year is to understand more lol. though this may easily backfire, because as i am reading the bible to understand religious origin and theories, i find myself questioning more than understanding lol. but the bible isn’t scientifically or necessarily super historically backed at all, and the old testament isn’t the greatest lol, and so perhaps it’s not a good place to start lol. but religion is a major part in war, division, & shame, as well as goodness &  unity, and growth. so it’s just interesting to me lol. man if i knew the absolute cause of the earth and the people and what death becomes- that would be swell. but there’s no way to truly know, just to believe. cheeky stuff lol. adds a nice twist to life though i’ll admit. ANYWHO its 1am, 3am in dc time lol. coffeeee y7aaaayayay it works. i’m gonna try to sleep for 4 hours lol.

[angelamyaass]

4/16/17 EASTER Coast

today was the first day i had no reffing and no work. i felt really weird lol.  i wanted to use the time to relax at home and clean my environment cause it’s a mess and unorganized haha, which i’m not blaming myself for, but i’d like to change it, please lol. BUT my two young cousins colby and chase came to visit my grandfather so i went to see them/support my mom, somehow the presence of one of her children helps her a lot in family situations. so i played with colby and chase all day and they took ALL THE EASTER BUNNYS EGGS lol guess i don’t deserve the chocolate once i turn 24 lol. but actually my mom made us all baskets even nathan and carissa who arent here LOL sad, but cute. we’ve been doing kind of cute movie nights on the weekend with my parents, personally i don’t like movies/tv every night, but i know it’s a good way to connect to my dad so if you can’t beat them join them lol. i’ve been asking more trying to watch more of the classics. it’s really fun to watch older classic movies, we watched old disney movies this weekend “that darn cat”, they’re great. the talent and jokes in the 60s is solid and so classy compared to today’s crap hahah i can understand the bitterness of oldtimers lol. i also really annoyed/graced my mom with questions about jesus today LOL. i don’t know what my fascination is with this, and i don’t know if my mom is the best person to talk to because even though she’s very open minded, but honestly i don’t want to change her mind about the movement. so i don’t know why i keep bringing these things up to her but i guess i know she won’t cut off ties with me for talking to her about it LOL.  i went through my requestioning life phase right, and i’m way less dramatic about it now, but i still am super interested in the topic of purpose and  religion and the psychology that leads someone into believing what they do, and commiting the acts that they do. i also don’t really know how to feel about certain topics or areas in life, they’re still grey to me. so i’m gonna read the bible page to page just because i speculate so much about things i don’t really know i’ve just heard of lol. i think it started when aiws asked if i could point out some flaws in the dp, because i was saying how i found contradictions in every aspect of the movement, the moon family is a nobrainer with issues but also including its theology. and that’s why it was hard for me to support like her or geebs when they do dp nights or workshops or whatever because i feel like they’re feeding themselves/ kids a narrow perspective and a contradictory one lol. plus these kids/me/everyone havent even read the dang bible which is what ALL major religions is based or inspired off of. lol. i feel like each religion should read all the other religions main scriptures lol. and realize how DUMB everyone is LOL. anyway here were some parts of the dp i felt contradicted 1) introduction states how christians love the cross but they still have sin and they’re not really saved. and that the dp/moon will actually bring like no sin or whatnot, but he didn’t either we’re the same as christians or worse dependingon who LOL. 2) i love this part i’ve talked to my mom about it like 600 times hahahaha so the fall is based on sex and that’s jewish and in the torah so that’s cool, the terminology and explanation can make sense in that. but then like noah’s story, LOL he builds an ark for 200 years or whatever, everyone dies except his family though he triedd and saved all the animals, then they get there, and he’s drunk and falls asleep. and then ham is like ah geez dads drunk and naked. and then they cover him with a blanket slightly grossed out. and then the world is back to square ONE LOOOOL through a blanket. but the same terminology of cover, naked, shame, etc is used here. so obviously someone had sex, because otherwise the point to the world is stupid lol.  3) zacheriah is the father of jesus ...and john ..what. lol. WHY WHY WHY, especially if a blanket of shame can revert the world back to hell, LOL, would it make ANY sense, for a direct “son of God” aka jesus, who hundreds of people walked around claiming to be at that time because that was the jewish prohpecy and everyone was convinced it was themselves lolo. to be made through adultry, especially when joseph was the one that was connected to king david and the “lineage”. zacheriah was married to mary’s relative. hardcore adultry - thats the 7th commandment right there man lol. anyway really there’s no point in finding the holes of the nitty gritty details of these really random stories that may or may not have happened lol unless there’s a solid lesson to take from it all. the main point is the core of all these  religions lol. the universal belief of trying to be an OK human lol. i’m glad religion has organized communities but man, i don’t get why we had to separate ourselves like this lol. anyway sorry that was my day LOL. now i need to focus on surviving the next 3 days, tax season ends officially on tuesday, i’ve done almost everything ican. now i just have to focus on finishing the rest of my duties so i can leave the job in peace. lol. i regret taking on so many games for reffing but it’s alright that’ll be over in 4 weeks as well. lol. then it’s party city. lol sike.

[angelamyaass]

4/10 ok i slacked lol.

it’s been a wiiiiiiiild ride. lol. tired. i feel i’m selling my time but when i get it back i’ll have not much to do- because i’ve negated everything and stopped creating other parts of life other than working and finances lol. who am i as a person? what are my priorities? i’ll find out later LOL. social media is empty to me, i really don’t like it or my mind the rare times i use it lol. i can see the changes in how people think and their attempt to portray themselves. i can see the filters people put up not just with editing pictures lol but with their identity. like they have something to prove or use it to attempt to satisfy the human desire to be accepted and appreciated. “look at me now” chris brown vibe. and also the loneliness and envy that comes from everyone portraying themselves in that impossible light, or by usiing it because they simply don’t have other outlets.  and i see the time spent just uselessly scrolling or filling your brain with a bunch of clickbait because the internet knows everyone is a mindless sheep after we sell our souls 8 hours a day to school or work lol. i’ll admit the filters on snapchat ariana sent were pretty hilarious though lool. now i was reading about this google executive’s take on happiness when he went through losing his son suddenly. i think there’s millions of people touring around speaking on mental health and success and happiness and passion and working for yourself etc. so a lot of it is getting old to me. it’s ironic to me that these people are making money by telling people how to make money but the way to make money is to do what they’re doing by touring talking to people about making money - which only so many millions of people can do before it gets old lol. everyone has dreams and i think it’s a copout dream of your talents to make your passion to help other people find their passions, because that’s NOT YOUR SKILL YOU HAVE SOMETHING MORE UNIQUE lol. we’re gonna get overpopulated with that crap lol. i understand it i’m someone who likes to be apart of that “journey” too but i would think it to be an ego trip to go around preaching to people and making money off of them even if you’re supposedly helping them i guess lol - i feel like half of it is productive and half of it is an ego trip.  ANYWAY I DIGRESS SORRY i liked his simple approach of saying how happiness is seeing the glass half full and being grateful for what’s in it, but also the awareness of seeing what’s empty and thinking about whether you can control any of that emptiness or if you can at least learn to accept it. i think that’s the most simple practical take on happiness. i don’t connect to total idealists because they only see the water, not the emptiness, so they live in a delusion and don’t contribute to alleviating the problems lol. but realists like me aren’t grateful enough or light enough to see and take note of the good things. we just focus on what we can or can’t control and rant, also not really allievating problems, just stirring a negative pot lol. i also like how he said fun is the moderate take of happiness, and that going to parties or whatever isn’t happiness, it’s just a delay of unhappiness. that’s what i’m feeling with time, i’m kind of tired of using so much of it all the time to pretend i have value instead of just taking the time to ask myself tough questions and put energy into those areas. anyway 24 years old. lol. hopefully i figure out the secret to life within the next year lol.  i think the simpler things are, the better they are. i know in the bible - everything is so complicated and the stories and interpretations and everything is jumbled up and contradicting and people take bits and pieces that they like and throw out the rest and it’s kind of a mess. but if you look in nature, of course with science it all has a lot of elements lol humans complicating things again ;), but it’s a pretty simple thing and purpose i feel. but greed is definitely the downfall of people - money & sex & competition drive this world and the people in it. anyone and everyone can get corrupted by it.  soooo it’s fascinating. self absorption is so real. how to not be self absorbed. i feel that might lead to happiness in some sense. ok i’m tired lol

[angelamyaass]

You're WELCOME. 3/19

happy bday lily, shocking you're 19 lol. when you guys all enter relationships maybe i'll start to see everyone as adults lol, or forever see your boyfriends and husbands as pedophiles HAHAH. even if they're your age. so today's reffing got canceled cuz of rain. only refd one day out of the 5 i was supposed to lol. but genuinely doing 6-12 games in two days is at least 12-24 miles worth of activity so i can't walk. lol genuinely i have to waddle. getting a little concerned on not having enough money because reffing gets canceled, i keep blocking weekends for things & i'm gonna end up giving too much money away lol. and too much is probably not enough ! but real talk, i really need to be careful. i budgeted $4,000 of travel in credit card rewards, & used $1200 worth on my familys tickets & $1200 on aiwas tickets. which i realize is entering dangerous territory for our friendship if i really outbid her, id like to believe id never place someone's happiness below my need for money, the aass trip i don't care about spending more, ariana had to spend more as welll LOL maybe that damaged ariana a little with the friendships, that was a true friend move tho. my reality is i've spent way more on all my friendships so it's not anything new. but i feel if i get in a tough spot with money then resentment might kick in. that's how it works you shift to blame, especially when there's some validity to the blame. doesn't make it right tho, if you made the decision you gotta own it lol. i'll be upfront with a spreadsheet of our expenses like we have for our family trip lol. would've been great if chase accepted people more loll. anywho i'm at home and planning but for some reason it feels unproductive. lol anything i do in this house feels unproductive because i'm in this house. i hope i can power through the next 4 weeks, this has actually been a moderately chill time or like i'm used to working 7 days a week and a lot of stuff has gotten canceled so it hasn't been crazy bad. i really really wanna give my 3-4 wk notice next week to my boss. like it's a legit reason, we need to sell our house and i'm the only one in the family who can make it happen, but i can't do it if i'm working 80 hrs a week when i could be working 30 and getting paid the same amount lolo. SO I JUST GOTTA FOCUS ON THAT AND FIND A GAP TO DO IT IN BECAUSE EVERYONES ALWAYS IN HER OFFICE lol. god be with me. i just need to book a few hotels then we only have to flesh out details for our germany trip. and europe i'm a little lost because 1 week i'm gonna be with hana angelino & whoever but then i have two weeks &i'm not sure which countries to visit. england has everyone but i wanted more to do norway or sweden or iceland lol. so that's a mystery. thailand and auckland are pretty set i just have to book my flight from europe and then our united flights to auckland. and i made a powerpoint for thailand itinerary lol i'll do new zealand next. so my calendar so far : march - mid april = work & quit april 14th. april 20-27 colorado + san fran LOL best. May 12-14 Family in NY wedding May 19-21 Spring Gathering June 13-> NJ to Fly to Munich.

[angelamyaass]

lol ok i missed the past 2 weeks 2/27-3/13.

so to recap even though i won’t read these again LOL,

went to bridgeport with gabby to visit andy which was a lot of fun, it was great to see andy in her life there, me and gabby are white as butt and got freaked by arriving there at 1am and assuming a car was following us in a ghetto town lol. and played tennis which was fun, randomly played chris hauer and zach LOL i didn’t even know those dudes minus chris, but yeah interesting. stayed up til 3am watching andy and gabby fight over the karaoke microphone i bought andy LOL. turds.

and it was super super nice to hang with danny angelino after i slept over at carissa’s and learned my flaws in planning and tohru still hates me yet begins to tolerate me tho jade loves me lol. i always learn more about myself thru sibling hangs lol.

but yeah got to talk to dangy i love our talks they’ve been real quality this year haha after not being around for like 2 years. and then i got to have brunch with hana and samuel and danny which was fun, the little booger, got hana to come to european mass done reunion HAHA gonna be so trolled. and she’s down to go to austria with me after so should be awesome.

and then played more tennis and hit apples with bats with andy gabby and danny LOL.

but it was nice to go to jersey/bp, i have some solid homies there i realize. and just to leave the area you’re always in also refreshes your state of mind and thinking which is so nice.

then i refd the next weekend it’s so cold it’s unreal lol. i did 11 games in two days which was equivalent to running a marathon lol. and i’m trying to do that every weekend so hopefully i get in shape because it’s been two weeks and i can’t walk and this last tournament i only did 7 games thank god lol.

i still managed to drive over to md to set up ddr for gabby’s birthday last weekend. lol but was pretty dead.

and then andy was in town for spring break so i visited md again this weekend to see the turd and give her her bat and fritz back lol that i purposely took hostage. it was great we tried to sabotage her in bananagrams by secretly putting all the horrible letters in her area and she still won LOL, but dude i love that girl. we always have like 30 minute-1 hour real talk talks during the few hours we hang which is good for me.

nathan was also in town and i went to panera with him to talk. but it turned a little bit of a poo where he might not tell me things lol because he said he still smoked casually, like when he’s drunk he’ll buy a pack and i was like nooooo lol literally go ahead and drink or smoke weed but smoking is so cancerous and a total waste lol. and what more hurts is the mental reasoning of not having too much to live for or a reason to fully quit.the mental reasons people turn to substances is more what hurts me tho the physical affects obviously aren’t healthy usually,moderation is an argument but smoking is stupid period lol. anyway i was pretty openly upset hearing that so he was like it’s chill i won’t tel you in the future and i was like noo lol. he said chocolate wasn’t healthy but fine in moderation and asked if i’d quit chocolate, ans i was like i’ll gladly quit chocolate if you completely quit smoking. so we had a 3 month bet going but he changed that to me meeting his friends because he doesn’t want to torture me not eating chocolate since he really doesn’t smoke much anyway suppooosedly. lol but i like how strong my protector instincts react, i didn’t even hesistate at not being able to have chocolate, even going to europe and places. like honestly lol. but other than that aspect of our talk it was good lol. it’s hard to balance listening verse protecting someone and saying the tough shat to help them long term. cause people don’t handle it well i know. no one wants to hear the bad/skeptical side of their actions.

but yeah. those were the main things and i met diondre my insurance adjuster, i feel like i could’ve had a simple conversation and ask him to bump it to the nada value instead of a month of torture reports that were stupid, but whatever lol almost met $4000, i dunno how the lawyer will get my deductible back haha i’ll see what happens with that.

lol but it was funny it was in waldorf real close to aiwa but yeah it was like a big floor of a bunch of desks of chill black guys LOL but i finally finished the insurance dumb shat and shook diondres hand and was like “ITS BEEN FUN DIONDRE” LOL. so whatever i just have to get a good deal on a car to compensate for not getting much lol.

so now i don’t have to talk about that ever again LOL JK i’ll write a memoir and 95% of the book will be on it LOOL.

anyway that’s been my three weeks in a nut.

lol. now it’s snowing so reffing was finally canceled and i might not have to drive into work tomorrow. i’m planning to legit give a months notice by the end of this week.

i had a conversation with my parents and after lily’s gpa grad and san fran LOL that was so spontaneous, i’m focusing 100% on decluttering and getting the house ready to sell, because i knew this house was a burden for my dad but to hear him tell me how badly it’s stresses him made it more real and pressing for me. like if i get this house out of the way and done, i’ll feel so much more free from my parents financial issues and i can focus on my life lol.

so i’m gonna ref 20-25 hours a week ideally which will still give me solid income and then during the day focus on the house and planning my travels so i have places to stay and jobs lined up. i want to come back to the states with enough money to buy a house.

and i’m debating doing taxes seasonally + reffing/coaching seasonally and still traveling in the summer/doing my own thing again or hunkering down to a full time corp job with good benefits.

but for now i’m going to keep focusing on my friendships and actually trying to see if i can get into a relationship this year, my expectation is to get one that lasts 3 months LOL. i have so many downfalls and flaws yet to come out so whoever i date is gonna be in such a shitty position HAHA. but yeah hopefully i can focus more on the things i never focused on while at home here lol.

as soon as i give my months notice i’ll feel way more relieved tho i feel it’ll be super awkward… but i know logically i’m not entitled to help them and i’m doing it after tax season and i’ve done way more my share of work for them and deserve better lol. i’m grateful to have listened to so many podcasts and have built a solid 3-4 years of experience that’ll help me land a majority of good jobs in this area if i want to sell my soul lol.

so we’ll see! dreams right now are to sell the house/move out, travel and meet/pay attention to all my close friends, annd then try dating and try being more open and independent about my sheltered home schooled life lol. and then come back in one piece hopefully without getting sexually assualted, attacked or in a terrible accident or things like that lol. and buying a car & saving up for an apartment or house in the dmv area and seeing where to go from there. or maybe i’ll continue to be a traveling nomad if i like it lol.

OK RECAPPED BOOOOOM.