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My boys 🤍

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The sweet sounds of a baby fast asleep is a lullaby 💤

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4am. Holding you until you fall asleep…until you are at peace…until you are comfortable.

…and then holding you for just a little while longer to absorb and enjoy a little for myself

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Aiight…it’s 3am on day 5!

Carmen gets out of isolation tomorrow! Yesterday around 6pm she tested again and it was negative! Woohoo!!! So she will mask up in the house but on the 31st at 6pm she will test again and if negative, she’s fully free baby! No mask wooohooooooo!

This experience has been telling. I’m capable. I’m a complainer, but I’m capable.

Anyways, it’s 3am. Changed baby, fed him, changed him again lol and now he is fast asleep to Seinfeld. I’m finishing a sleeve of thin mints……and then I’ll go back to sleep 😂

Random thought: Monty’s cuddles are so sweet. Wish he wasn’t such a furnace and sweat so much. I’d hold him longer, but I always worry he’s uncomfy or something. He just sweats so much……

Is my newborn gone? I’m about to have a 1 month old in 4-5 days…😭

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Pictures from Day 1 of Carmen’s isolation

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Alright…got through day 1/5 of Carmen’s isolation. It is now 0706 on day 2. Baby cooperated and stayed asleep while I went to shower-I am so grateful for that!!!! I was feeling icky. I should be brushing my teeth and scrubbing my face to seal the clean deal but…alas I wanted to write down this moment. Trying to be consistent…..

I’m assuming these 5 days are gonna give me a nice taste of single parent life with an independent 8yr old and a newborn. I’m up for the challenge. In fact, I have something to prove to myself-that I CAN handle things on my own.

First day was rough, but doable. Truly was a full time job to take care of a newborn all day alone and ON TOP OF THAT an 8 yr old and my poor, sick wife. She feels so helpless and I feel bad for her but I GOT THIS. I can hold down the fort.

Found out she had COVID on Christmas and I didn’t have enough time to cook once I got me and baby situated. But last night I cooked (day after) Christmas dinner…..warmed up the ham in the oven, made the greens, Parmesan crusted potatoes, Carmen’s nasty stuffing lol, and crescent rolls. And all I ate was a crescent roll. By the time all the cooking and serving had been done, I was beat. Wasn’t hungry or even a little peckish—-and baby was cranky and sleepy and he had cried enough during my 2 hours of cooking so. I figured I’d spare him and feed him to bed. After all that I still wasn’t hungry. Oh well. I’ll eat later.

I also made a nice breakfast that same morning. Bacon, eggs, biscuits…had a banana and some cran-watermelon juice.

Carmen says I’m in the running for “wife of the year”….I’ll gladly ride that title out. It sounds nice.

This 1 day has proven to me that I can do way more than I give myself credit for. These 5 days is gonna take grit. Looks like I have more of it in a reservoir somewhere on a distant island that I had no idea about. Glad it’s being used now. I hope I can keep using it after.

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My wife got COVID for Christmas :( so this is me at 0347 with the munchkin on the first floor. He’s almost back to sleep, which is great news for me!

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0234 23Dec22

He sleeps.

My heartbeat must be the best lullaby, my chest the best pillow for anywhere and anybody else-his sleep isn’t as sound.

My arms must be the best embrace, my hands tapping the most perfect rhythm for 2am is when the sleep is the deepest.

19days earthside…and I’m trying to soak it all in. Every cuddle, cry, coo, every diaper change, every smile reflex. Everytime he stares up into my face to create some familiarity and connection to my face and not just my voice and smell…..I’m trying to be a sponge. This time of his life is fleeting and soon he will be an 8 year old doing cartwheels in open space and giving me sweet sweet hugs at random…just like his big brother.

But for now, I’m soaking in his 19day old cuddles, cries and coos. And I’m loving every second…resting in this moment as he rests…

And he sleeps.

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8 days postpartum…

Do I have a case of the sads? I was really down in the dumps earlier today bc I felt like a bum. I can only really wear sweats bc I’m still wearing big ole pads that makes it feel (and look?) like I’m wearing a diaper. Tummy is flabby, ya know, only 8 days post so that’s expected…but I feel unattractive. Ugly. Gross. Today I showered after 3 days of not. Smelled like old milk and just Ugh.

Then a little while ago we let Angel hold Monty for the first time and I was taking pics and when Carmen started taking pics I got super upset and stopped taking pics. My thoughts were when she takes pics I trust they’re good and I’m just like “send those to me please”. I didn’t feel trusted to take good pics when she started taking her own and it hurt my feelings and made me mad. And now I’m sulking. Irrationally, as usual.

Carmen asked me if I’m ok and I said yes bc idk how to say idk or no right now. The doctors made it very clear to be in the look out for me being depressy and blue so now Idw admit when I am bc I don’t want to be watched closely or tiptoed around.

#LosingIt #BabyBlues #Perhaps #MaybeShesBornWithIt

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Montys Labor & Delivery Story (Condensed)

I started having consistent contractions that were on average 3 mins apart at 10pm on the 2nd. 2 hrs later, while I was in bed trying to be quiet like a mouse, but in pain, my water broke at 1208am. Got to the hospital at 130am and when they checked me they said I was only at 3. Around 5am I asked for an epidural bc they made me nervous that when I actually needed it, they’d be busy and I’d have to wait a while. So even tho I didn’t need it yet, I was like GIVE ME DRUGS😅 so I get it and around 6am I’m still at a 3. So they gave me pitocin. And they’d check me every 2 hours and I’d only have dilated 1 cm 🫣 it was frustrating. But I watched the toy story marathon with Carmen and ate lemon popsicles, apple juice and ice water (but also just ice bc hospital ice is the best) for like 6 hours…then I started throwing up. I was eating too much I think and the epidural didn’t like that. So I threw up once and I was like ok I’ll stop eating the popsicles. But I still want the apple juice. And then I remembered there was ginger ale. Took 2 tiny sips to see if I like it (I know nothing of the brand shasta so I had to analyze the taste 😒) IMMEDIATE NO. Threw it up in like 1 min. Cool. I’ll stick to water…..threw that up too. FINE I WONT DRINK ANYTHING EVEN THO IM HUNGRY AND BECOMING DEHYDRATED. I totally fully became dehydrated and got an infection and finally by maybe 7pm I was at a 7 or 8 and I was like…cool this should go quickly. Wrong. My cervix was being stubborn af….. So they’re flipping me from side to side. Omg btw PEANUT BALLS ARE AS MAGICAL AS THE INTERNET SAYS IT IS. Use iiittttttttt if you get an epidural and need to dilate. It’s amazing. Anyways. At around 9ish-I’m still only at 8 AND THE LEFT SIDE OF MY BODYS EPIDURAL WORE OFF. So I’m feeling contractions at 8cm only on one side. But I was riding the waves and using my low voice for vibrations and pain relief. Anesthesiologists come and fix it but it takes about an hour or so for it to start working on my left side again. At about 10, I’m at a 9. But now I have bad acid reflux. And it’s fierce. Rising in my stomach, into my throat and making me nauseous af and it was burning tf out of my throat. I was miserable. I almost hated that more than contractions bc I could manage contractions. I couldn’t manage the acid. I ended up throwing up twice of just gross bile. It was awful and I wanted to cry. They finally get me some tums, some acid reflux meds to put in my IV and nausea meds to put in my IV. You’d think after all that I’d be ready to push. Nope. 11pm I’m at 9.5cm. They have me doing practice pushes to see if maybe I can push pass the lip of my cervix that is being stubborn but they worry I may rip my cervix which they really don’t want. So we are waiting again, but getting nervous bc baby’s heart keeps rising and falling with the contractions and I’m feverish bc of my infection but they give me antibiotics which is sort of helping but they only have a little bit of time to give me before they have to seriously consider a c section which I really didn’t want bc I was scared and also IM AT 9! So one of the nurses out my right leg up on the side table and we waited. She said back in the day, that used to work really well w a stubborn cervix. And IT DID. By 1215 I was ready to push and pediatric doctors came in as well as my labor and delivery team and they dropped the bottom of my bed off, pulled me closer to the edge, one nurse had a leg, Carmen had my right leg, I had my arms under both legs and I pushed this 9.5lb baby out in 10min!!!!!!!! Born 4 Dec at 1247am💙 It was such a dramatic labor in my opinion. But well worth it.

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My sweet baby #2: Monty James Love

❤️Birth Day/Time: 4 Dec 2022/1247

💙Birth Weight: 9lbs 9.6oz

💙Birth Length: 21.75in

💙Birth Head Circumference: 14.x (lemme fact check and come back)

💙Complications: Meconium in fluid, same as his big brother. Nothing other than that.

🤍Notes: Labor started consistently at 2200 2Dec2022, water broke at 1208 on 3Dec2022…birth time was 1247 4Dec2022. Labor lasted 26h47m

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Why am I here for the 5th time Tumblr? The answer is simple? I had my second (and final) baby.

And I want a place to voice my feelings, middle of the night thoughts, accomplishments, goals, yadda yadda. I probably won’t keep up w this, but there’s no harm in trying, right?

RIGHT!?

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Spilling breast milk is the #1 way for me to lose my cool right now. I’ve done it twice and almost cried both time. 🥴 like…right now I’m just looking at it on the floor and begrudgingly writing a post about it bc IM UPSET.

I have learned that a new tactic I’m trying on when it comes to sudden frustration is to stare at the problem. Is it working? I’ll follow up to confirm or deny.

I’m the meantime…guess I have to clean up this precious and wonderfully wasted liquid gold UP.OFF.THE.UNDESERVING!FLOOR.

Hold UP! the phrase “don’t cry over spilled milk” has suddenly become very relevant right now.

#Almost2amVibration