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Caves are weirder and more varied than you think

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new leitner rant just dropped

let’s talk about bonzo. fucking asshole shit face bonzo, can’t even buy his own motherfucking house bonzo, lunchbox in comic sans frankly embarrassing goddamn blobby knockoff bonzo. i REFUSE to call that waste of space “mister” because he is undeserving of my time and respect. He’s a freak and gets paid to murder people, LIKE WORKS FOR THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED KINGDOM and he STILL lives with Nigel Dickface. From the moment I had to see his ugly ass yellow eggplant-for-a-nose face during the ARG i knew he was a piece of shit and guess what? time and time again i am proven right. If I ever have to hear him and his jaundiced ass again i am going to end the episode, unsubscribe from protocol, delete spotify, and scream. I want him to die a death where he is ground up Mikaele Salesa style, or maybe has each of his stupid motherfucking orange spots popped one by one. Do not come to me with your defenses for this sickly excuse for a creature. I don’t care whether he is a bear or a twink or a twunk he is BONZO he is SHIT and i HATE HIM. Stupid cocky asshole has a goddman theme song with children singing about him WHERE DID THOSE CHILDREN FUCKING COME FROM he is ugly and i haet him. fucking illiterate piece of televised garbage i hope nigel dickenass wakes up in a cold sweat every night because he created such an abhorrent monstrosity. i hope he knows it lives in his stupid fucking house wearing a stupid fucking fedora and i hope idiot loser bonzo kills him and then kills itself. i would celebrate his death every year with a cupcake that says I HATE FUCKING BONZO.

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Irondad fic ideas #123

The boys are idiots, endlessly failing to admit that they see each other as father and son, and Pepper and May are sick of it. After yet another day of watching this oblivious dance, they're both about ready to tear their hair out.

So, they hatch a plan.

Pepper hires May as her personal assistant / travel companion. This leaves Peter in Tony's care at the tower, while May joins Pepper in her continent-hopping reign of terror upon the business world.

As expected, by the time they return, after weeks in Italy and Japan and wherever else, Tony and Peter have fully worked out their feelings. Now, they're just nervous about revealing their newfound dad + son discovery to May and Pepper.

Their expressions when May and Pepper both look at each other and then burst out laughing - are priceless

Bonus:

It's Happy or Rhodey who realizes that, really, Pepper has had the last laugh of them all

After months of bickering with May, trying to get her to accept a high-paying job at SI and to possibly even move into the tower, Pepper has finally gotten her wish

When May realizes she's been played, she can't even be that mad about it because she's so impressed. But rest assured, when the next prank war arises, Pepper will get hers.

Never before has someone dared to prank Pepper. That rule is about to change.

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Irondad fic ideas #117

One day, May receives a threatening letter at work. It says, "Do you know who your nephew is?" and contains, crushed into the page, a dead spider.

Horrified, May calls Tony Stark. Plans are set in place immediately to move the Parkers into Stark Tower for protection while Tony tracks down the people who sent the threat. 

Peter is at school during the chaos of getting May to the tower. He only learns what's happened when he's called out of class. When he gets to the office, it's Tony waiting there (with the very stunned school secretary) to pick him up. He has his nanotech housing unit on.

Tony explains once they're in the car. Peter freaks out until Tony promises that May is already safely at the tower with Happy and Pepper. Only then does Peter notice that Tony's hands are shaking too.

All of this was not what the villains wanted. Their plan had been to scare May into abandoning Peter. They didn't know that she already knew who he was, and they definitely didn't know that the Parkers were close to Tony Stark.

An abandoned and homeless Peter would have been much easier to kidnap. Now, they will have to step up their game.

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Once upon a Monday night after patrol...

Peter (swinging in through the window in the spidey suit, taking his mask off): Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark! Guess what! Guess what! Guess what!

Tony (who is in the middle of fixing Dum-E paused his tinkering at the whoosh, lips twitching to a smirk which he hid by drinking coffee): What, what?

Peter (beaming so wide): I made three friends today! Well four if you count the elusive one who approached me but shied away from the others. I named them Stephy, Stacey, Gwen and Michie!

Tony: Aha, and what are they this time? Birds? Bees? Iguanas?

Peter (still smiling, brings out a phone to show him a photo): They're cats Mr. Stark! And they're so cute, I love them so much! See. One white, one cream, one grey, one black. They're all cat colors!

Tony (shuffles the kid's hair): Hm-hm. Nice going Underoos. Looks like a menagerie.

Peter (suddenly goes shy): Uhm, could we- I mean if it isn't too much, sir, and only if it isn't! Err, could we maybe, if it's alright with you, go to the petting shop for my birthday?

Tony (felt his eyebrows rising automatically, looking at the camera, knowing Friday is already making a list of pet stores he could acquire): You want a pet? Is that your wish?

Peter (looks down): Ahm, no, I just...ahm, I just thought it'd be fun to pet some cats and dogs with you. It'd be a memorable experience, but uhm, you don't have to if you're busy or if...if you'd rather not. No pressure Mr. Stark! I mean, I just thought I'd ask.

Tony (face softening into a smile): Of course. Tell you what, meet me outside your apartment 10AM tom. We'll get breakfast, go to the pet shop and then the other three places I planned to take you to.

Peter (eyes widen): Really? You'd spend the day with me Mr. Stark? But aren't you busy or something?

Tony: Nope. Not at all. All free for my favorite spiderling.

Peter (is unable to hide his excitement and went for a hug): Thanks Mr. Stark!!

Tony (finds himself squeezed by his favorite half arachnid child, not really complaining and patting his kid in return): There, there, Underoos. There, there.

.

.

Later, several people will receive a meeting cancellation and request to reschedule.

President Elis, Nick Fury, Steve Rogers and the entire board of Stark Industries.

And when they reach out to Pepper Potts to ask what the heck, her polite and professional answer would be simple and concise.

"Code S," she would say, and they would all perk up into a knowing smile, understanding and accepting the code for what it is.

Code S. Reserved for one specific boy from Queens who happens to be Friday's, every Stark employee's and every affiliate's and partner's top priority over everything as per the mandate from Tony Stark himself. Everything else will be put next in line if the code is triggered.

There's even a video/threat attachment to the email to discourage anyone who dares disobey or violate the terms and agreement.

Officially, it stands for Code Superior. In front of Tony and Peter, the avengers sometimes call it Code Spider-man, even if Peter has no idea about the mandate and signed agreement that anyone who needs Tony Stark/Iron-Man to work with or for them has to sign. But they all knew it meant something else anyway.

Code S, in Friday's coding and among Tony's closest relations, could only stand for one thing. Code Son. A spot unofficially but exclusively reserved for one clueless Peter Benjamin Parker.

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Petition for Marvel to make a new series of shorts

about Tony's life in the time between Homecoming and Infinity War a la the "Team Thor" series.

Featuring:

Peter being an intern

Rhodey's physical therapy

Tony trying to get on May's good side by giving the Parkers increasingly ridiculous home improvements until May has to sit Peter down like, "Tell your not-dad to leave our dishwasher alone or I will be teaching Pepper my date loaf recipe"

"Also if he tries to add lasers to the security system he's already installed I will uninvite him to your back-to-school night."

Tony meets Ned and Ned just. vibrates.

Tony and Peter outwardly denying that they act like father and son + zoomed-in reactions of everyone around them like on The Office

SI employees: "If that's not his son, I work for Oscorp."

Tony's giving an interview into the camera like "I do not act fatherly around Peter" only for FRIDAY to interrupt, "Boss, Mr. Parker appears to be in distress" and Tony's already standing up like "on it"

The chaotic Pepper/Tony wedding planning that we deserved

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8 year old Morgan: When I was 4 I went out into the backyard and let a spider bite me so I could be like the spider man.

Morgan: then my parents took me to the doctor and he diagnosed me with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder

Morgan: I was terrified that the spider had done this

Peter: you… you what?!

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tony: hey kid, you wanna see a little guy?

peter: ? ok?

tony: [sends a picture of little peter wearing an iron man hoodie and doing the iconic landing]

peter: MR STARK WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!!!

peter: DID AUNT MAY SEND YOU??

tony: this is perfection. i'm keeping this forever.

peter: NOOOOOOO

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peter texts tony asking if a friend can come over after school, and tony agreeing, thinking nothing if it.

Peter: “Hi Mister Stark! Meet my friend, his names Harley. He’s my new lab partner.”

Tony:

Harley:

Tony:

Peter:

Harley:

Tony: Hey Pete, you’re gonna wanna sit down for this story.

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Irondad fic ideas #109

Fic where Wanda does not get snapped. Westview happens during the blip.

At some point before Westview, Wanda visits Tony at the lake house (maybe she wants him to make the government give her Vision's body back). Tony, deep in his grief and just wanting to be with Pepper and baby Morgan, doesn't help as much as she wants him to.

Before leaving, already very unhinged, Wanda offers to take Tony's memories of Peter away. She phrases it like an act of compassion, since she can sense the depths of his pain. But Tony perceives it as a threat. And it's one that, especially during and after Westview, he knows she's powerful enough to achieve

So, he calls a wizard. He begs Wong to do a spell to protect his memories of Peter from ever being harmed by magic

Fast forward to NWH. Tony has been in a coma ever since the battle with Thanos. He finally wakes up, and he's so grateful to be with his family, but he doesn't understand why a certain teenager is not there

It doesn't take long for Tony to realize that no one else remembers Peter. May is dead. The kid is alone, erased, forgotten by everyone

But not by him. Because of a witch's threat and his own paranoia, his memories are safe.

And now it's time to go get his kid

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Tony: I don't want children, they are weird pests that drool and are annoying

Peter: hi

Tony: your mine now.

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Peter: don’t call me spiderbaby, I hate when you are calling me like that.

Tony: okay, bambino.

Peter: *starts crying*

Tony, panicking: Peter?? kid?? why are you crying, bubba?

Peter: *crying louder* DAD

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Irondad Prompt #197:

Peter: I’m okay, Mr. Stark! I mean, sometimes I have these horrible nightmares or have random panic attacks at school. But I’m fine! :)

Tony:

Tony: Peter’s that��s literally PTSD

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A Tony Stark fanpage details the outfits Stark wears, and where to buy them. The outfits and details go viral, and each time Tony appears in public, a new post is made.

There’s a detail amiss every time though. Nobody seems able to figure out where Stark got a thin bracelet he wears on his left wrist, and it didn’t seem to be technology.

Only Peter Parker, who jokingly made the bracelet out of scraps, knows that it is. He just didn’t know that Tony wore it so often.

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Irondad fic ideas #155

Tony can be... a bit overbearing with his helicopter parent tendencies. To combat this, Peter sets up a small protocol with FRIDAY. 

Any time Tony wants to do something paranoid or invasive, FRIDAY is to send him a helpful article first, with titles like "Excessive Surveillance Can Harm Adolescent Development, Study Finds" and "Why Teens Need Privacy From Their Parents"

Peter leaves the choice of articles up to FRIDAY, trusting her to send ones that fit the situation.

While this protocol does get Tony to reconsider some of his more... extreme impractical requests, in most cases it fails to change his mind. Being hands-off about Peter's safety is not something he can do -- not when he knows the kinds of dangers this particular kid could face.

He's grateful for the insight that the protocol has given him, though. So instead of removing it, he decides to add to it. He asks FRIDAY to make it a two-way street. Now, whenever Peter complains about one of Tony's safety protocols, FRIDAY will send an article to help him understand

However, Tony doesn't anticipate the kinds of articles FRIDAY will choose. While she continues to send Tony studies and editorials, to Peter she sends news reports from Tony's past

Peter's mad that Tony has put trackers in everything he owns? -- "Tony Stark Still Missing: Inside Month Three of the Harrowing Search"

Peter hates the constant health monitoring that FRIDAY does when he's in the tower? -- "Death Wish or Death Sentence? Stark Behavior Tied to Secret Illness that Almost Cost Him His Life"

It goes on and on. For every seemingly insane overreach, there's a story, an experience Tony is trying to protect Peter from. 

They both still disagree about how much protection is too much, but at least they understand each other better now

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GIVE ME IT RIGHT NOW

Oda x Ango fic idea

So, correct me if I'm wrong, but Oda can see different outcomes right? I might be remembering the other guy, but idk.

Whatever. Basically, the idea is that Ango is often just on the brink of doing something impulsively to cope with his feelings for Oda, and Oda keeps seeing that.

Like, seeing flashes of Ango kissing him, saying I love you, stuff like that, that could happen but just don't bc Ango's a coward.

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Hey. Hey.

AU where Fyodor, in an attempt to thoroughly break Dazai, gets Bram to turn Odasaku into a vampire. Then he continually sends him out to do awful things Odasaku would never do. Or has him do something where Dazai has to kill Oda.

Okay but with the latter, picture--

*Odasaku, resisting the vampirism*: Kill.... Me....

*Dazai, in fucking tears, hesitating to kill and sobbing for the first time in his life.*

*Someone comes up from behind him, covers his eyes*

*Gunshot*

Ango: I'm not making you watch him die again, Dazai.