altsung

[altsung]

"Ano relationship mo kay Mark at Renjun?"

"Ako?" Haechan asked. It's not like he did not hear what his friend (that he treats like his older brother), Taeyong, said just now.

Taeyong nodded, waiting for him to respond.

Haechan leaned his back on the bench they are sitting on, looking at the sky as clouds slowly pass by.

"Friend ko sila," He answered, smiling.

Smirking, Taeyong nudged him by the side. "Talaga ba? Friends?" He rolled his eyes on his friend, making Taeyong laugh.

"Hindi ba, close kayo ni Renjun dati?" He asked again, as if he is interviewing Haechan about his personal life.

Huang Renjun, one of Haechan's closest friends.

Two peas in a pod, that is how their friends describe them. It was as if the are brothers from different mothers, as Jeno says.

Renjun and Haechan has a lot of similarities when it comes to their likes and dislikes. They like the french fries and ice cream sundae combination, the season Spring, the Harry Potter series, the smell of the sea breeze, and most especially, they both like to sing.

They have a lot in common, that they even liked the same guy, at the same time.

"Oo, close kami dati." Haechan glanced at Taeyong, smiling. Nodding, he asked once again, "How about Mark?"

The question caught Haechan off-guard at some point.

"Ano relationship mo kay Mark?"

Ano nga ba? Haechan thought. Ano nga ba ang relationship namin dati?

Haechan tried to think, remembering the good times he had with his friend, Mark.

Mark Lee, Haechan's first love.

His first kiss.

His first heartbreak.

Mark and Haechan were not the closest in their gang back in high school. They were in 10th grade when Mark transferred in their school and eventually became friends with Haechan and Renjun.

They were not the closest, but they have this special bond where he can only feel this nice feeling when he's with Mark.

They were not the closest, but he liked how caring Mark was to him. Mark would nag Haechan for skipping lunch at school, he always made sure that Haechan did not leave anything on his desk before they go home, he always would message Haechan to ask if he got home safely, and Mark would bring Haechan their lecture notes whenever he got sick so he would not miss a single lesson in their class back then.

Haechan liked how sweet Mark was to him. It was as if Mark was paying attention to every little thing Haechan does. He would immediately know if Haechan feels awkward, uncomfortable, pissed, whatever emotion it is, he would know in a single look. He would buy Haechan his favorite food whenever he feels down.

To put it in simple words, it was as if Mark had romantic feelings for Haechan.

He thought Mark liked him when he invited him to watch this specific movie together, when Mark sang him a song on his birthday, when Mark gave him a knitted sweater (handmade by Mark) as a Christmas gift.

He thought Mark liked him when he kissed him that December night.

But he was mistaken. Everything became clear to Haechan back in their Senior Year, New Year's Eve, that night where their group of friends decided to go to Tokyo to celebrate New Year together.

"Mark, may gusto sana akong sabihin sa'yo." Haechan bravely said, his knees slightly shaking from the anxiety he's feeling.

As always, Mark smiled. "Sure, let's go somewhere quiet."

They headed to the side of the temple, where vending machines and some benches are placed for the tourists. Sitting on the bench, Haechan was holding on the hem of his jacket tightly. So tight, that he felt numb.

"So, ano 'yung gusto mo na sabihin sa'kin?" Mark's voice startled Haechan, completely forgotten he's with him.

He bit his lower lip, "Ah.. ano," Go tell him, Haechan.

Mark was looking at him, patiently waiting.

Tell him, before it's too late.

"Gusto kita." He said, finally, after holding it in his chest. After holding it in for three years.

He closed his eyes shut, "Gusto kita, Mark. I didn't know kung kailan nagsimula, pero gusto kita. Gustong-gusto."

He waited for his response. Mark was in shock, it was as if he did not expect that his friend, Haechan, has feelings for him.

"Oh my God," was all could Mark say. He sighed, looking at Haechan who's eyes are still closed.

Mark placed his hand on Haechan's back, "Hyuck, I.." He chuckled, "I did not expect that. Pero thank you, for appreciating me."

"Pero kasi, nililigawan ko na si Renjun."

Haechan looked at Mark, not expecting for him to say that.

"Si Renjun? Si Renjun na best friend ko?" He asked, placing his right hand on his chest like Renjun was his. Like Renjun was part of his body, his soul, his life.

Mark slowly nodded, smiling timidly. "I.. I'm sorry, bro. I know I should have told you sooner."

Haechan scoffed out of disbelief, "Kailan? Kailan pa?" He asked. He wanted him to ask if it is really true, because honestly, he did not want to believe it. He did not want to believe that the person he likes is making a move on his own best friend.

"Last year."

Wow, Haechan thought to himself. All this time, hindi ko alam.

"E, gago ka pala," He spat. "Bakit mo ako hinalikan noong birthday ni Jisung kung nilalagawan mo pala si Renjun all this time?"

Haechan could not help but to raise his voice. He doesn't know if he's furious or he's just deeply disappointed to Mark. To Renjun. To the both of them.

But one thing is certain; each second that was passing by, his heart breaks into pieces.

Mark sighed, remembering the huge mistake he made.

"Haechan, lasing ako no'n. It was a mistake."

And there.

It felt like Haechan's world for a moment.

He could not believe what he just heard. A mistake.

"Call me gago or what, but I really did not mean to kiss you that night. I'm so sorry, Haechan." Mark added, waiting for Haechan to at least speak.

He laughed as tears come out of his eyes. Standing up, he wiped them away and looked at Mark.

The guy he liked, the guy he fell so hard for.

The guy who said it was a mistake.

"Sige," Haechan said. "Sige, okay lang. It was just a mistake, right?"

I am just a mistake.

"Ingatan mo best friend ko, ha? 'Wag mo sasaktan 'yan," He continued while Mark just listen to him with his eyes full of pain and worry for his friend.

I don't need your pity, at least.

"Salamat, Mark. Una na ako."

As he turned his back on him, every step he took that night, he felt as if his heart was getting ripped into little pieces.

The last time Haechan saw Mark and Renjun was their high school graduation. He could see how happy the two were, with Mark's arm around Renjun's waist, smiling at each other as if they both have seen the person they will spend their life together with.

At kita naman sa iyong mga mata,

Kung bakit pinili mo s'ya.

Mahirap labanan ang tinadhana,

Pinapaubaya ko na sa kaniya.

"Haechan?"

Startled, he looked at his right. It was Taeyong.

He don't know why, but he expected that it was him who called his name.

Laughing, Taeyong asked, "Grabe ang lalim ng iniisip mo. Tinanong ko lang naman kung ano relationship n'yo ni Mark dati!"

Oh, right. 5 years have passed.

He's now gone. His best friend as well.

Taking a deep breath, he looked at his friend.

"Si Mark?" Haechan smiled, looking down at the knitted sweater he's wearing. It was Mark's gift for him before.

"He was someone who was once very dear to me." He answered.

Mark Lee, Haechan's first love.

He was someone who came into his life and left so quickly, just like how fast youth passes by in our lives. A once in a lifetime event, a blur, a beautiful memory.

[altsung]

Chenle has always looked at you more than a friend.

He would always brush off the thought that he might have real romantic feelings for his friend, his best friend, because he had always thought it's absurd to like your best friend as a person.

The bond between the both of you is very different when you hang out with your other friends. Sure, being around Haechan, Renjun, and Jisung are fun. But it was that warm, cozy feeling around Chenle that you like the most.

He, most likely, feel the same way. Because for Chenle, home is not the place he comes back at the end of the day. But it is you, your presence, that makes him feel like he is home.

Chenle felt this unknown feeling whenever you're around when he turned 15. He always had been watching you, but he unconsciously starting to pay attention even to the little things you do.

He knew you would bite your lower lip whenever you lie, that you would separate the vegetables you dislike in your bibimbap, your ears would turn red whenever you are nervous. He knew you like tulips more than roses, you don't like your coffee too bitter nor too sweet, and he knew you like someone else.

He knew all of these little things, these little habits of yours without saying any word.

Maybe, he thought, maybe if I just keep this feelings to myself, it would fade away like how seasons come and go.

But maybe he was wrong.

He didn't know that hearing you call his name would make his heart beat faster, seeing your smile makes his day brighter, seeing you annoyed from your teases makes him think it is kind of cute, and he didn't know know seeing you bawl your eyes out over some guy would hurt him more than you do.

He didn't know he would fall for you. He fell, so deep, so hard, that he doesn't know if he can get up again once his heart gets broken.

Chenle. He was your first love.

Not exactly, romantic love but platonic love. Chenle has been your friend ever since you were toddlers. Your opposite personalities made your bonds stronger; he was the quiet, listener type, while you were the talkative, and friendly one.

You liked it when Chenle would come over your house and stay for dinner, when he would suddenly babble in Mandarin whenever he freaks out, when he confidently shouted "Hey, best friend, this is for you!" before shooting the ball from the three-point line and it was completely an airball (it was hilarious), and you most definitely liked it when it was only the two of you, and he would just sit beside you with his head on your shoulder.

It was always different when it's Chenle. It was as if spring has arrived whenever he is with you. Never there will be a dull moment between the two of you. When it's Chenle, all you feel is pure bliss.

Chenle, he's your home.

You don't know why, but for some reason, the things that you only liked about Chenle before started to make your heart flutter.

But you would brush off this thought and tell yourself, maybe it was just the sense of familiarity. Chenle has been there since you were young, and you are in the phase where you are looking for love.

This has always bothered you, until Jeno came.

Lee Jeno, the person that came into your life unnoticed, unexpectedly.

Lee Jeno, the person that took all your worries and uncertainties away.

Maybe I don't really like Chenle more than a friend, you thought as you look at Jeno. Maybe, maybe it is Jeno that I like.

"What?" Jeno asked when he caught you staring at him, his mouth stuffed with the tteokbokki.

You smiled and shook your head, "Nothing, you just looked cute."

It was Jeno whom you spend most of your time with, but you still hang out with Chenle at your home.

Completely forgetting about the feelings you thought you had for Chenle, the annual school festival arrived.

Chenle asked you to jam with him in the music room. Sitting a meter away from him, you asked, "What are you going to play?"

He smirked, sitting infront of the piano. "You'll know once I play it." He replied and started pressing keys on the instrument.

It was Yurima's River Flows in You.

You sat there in awe, admiring the gentle music produced by the instrument your best friend is playing.

There really is something whenever Chenle plays the piano. The moment he pressed a piano key, it was as if he's become one with the instrument. It felt like Chenle was destined to be one with the piano, as he make mellifluous sound that blesses your ears every time.

With the train of thoughts in mind, you did not realize it was already the end of the piece.

"Why are you staring at me?" Chenle teased, standing up to sit beside you. You rolled your eyes on him that made him laugh.

And there was silence.

He faced you, looking directly at your eyes. "I have something to tell you."

Suddenly, you felt nervous for some reason. Maybe it was the air conditioner that makes the room cold, or maybe it was the tension between the two of you.

Or maybe it was the way Chenle was looking at you at that moment.

"You see, I like you. Not just as my best friend, but as you." He said, straightforward, like it was something very easy to say.

But actually, Chenle practiced for weeks on how to tell you this; and this is not the way he planned to confess to you.

"I don't know where, or when, it started, but I just woke up one day and saw you, smiling at me. It made my heart flutter, starting that day, I know I looked at you more than just a friend, and I can never go back to being just you best friend because I already took the risk. And whatever you will say, I will accept it."

He was waiting for you to say something. He was waiting for you to reject him. Wait, no. He was waiting, even though he know there is only a very small possibility, for you to say you like him, too.

Taking a deep breath, you finally spoken up.

"Chenle, you know you mean so much to me, right?"

He nodded. He didn't say anything, but he was only looking at you as if he was waiting for you to say something else.

"I.." Sigh. "I like Jeno."

And that was it.

The hope, that very small hope, that he had for a moment, got crushed just like that. Those three words that he expected the most for you to say, felt like a spear was stabbed straight to his heart.

"You're my best friend, Chenle." You added. "I don't want to lose you."

I can't, you thought. I cannot lose you, for things will change if you knew we feel the same way.

He smiled, looking down to hide the tears that were forming in his eyes from you. "I don't want to lose you, too."

But he knew, at that moment, he lost the girl he loves from someone else.

You bit your lower lip, thinking, as you look at your best friend who's trying to not cry infront of you. Is it too late to take back what I said?

Getting all the courage you have left, you were about to speak as someone opened the door.

It was Jeno.

"Hey," He walked in. "I was looking for you everywhere."

Great. You stood up, smiling at the guy who just arrived. "We were jamming here a while ago." He nodded as you explain, then his eyes gazed to Chenle.

"Zhong Chenle, her best friend." He said, stretching a hand out for a handshake. Accepting it, Jeno smiled. "Lee Jeno, I'm her.." He looked at you for a quick moment before facing Chenle with a smile.

"Her boyfriend."

Dumbfounded, you gave Jeno a look. Then Chenle. He looked unbothered, you thought.

You know you shouldn't be hurting, but the sight of him looking like he doesn't care about you anymore hurt the most.

"Oh." Chenle smiled, "Nice to finally meet you. You better treat her right, okay?"

Jeno chuckled, "Alright." He faced you after a little conversation with your best friend, "The contest is about to start. Let's go?" He offered his hand to you.

For a moment, you hesitated.

But you took it anyway.

As you walk outside the room, Jeno babbles about how excited he is in watching the contest. On the other hand, your mind was thinking about something else.

Chenle was there, watching you turn your back from him. He watched the door open and close, just like how he opened his heart to you and took the risk, but your heart was already closed and occupied by someone else.

If I took the risk.. If I crossed that line, you thought to yourself. Would it be worth it?

Chenle went back to the piano, smiling timidly as he look at the piano keys, his tears falling from his eyes. "Maybe if you were just brave enough, it would definitely be worth the risk."