alresrachsilences

[alresrachsilences]

Disappointment and Betrayal (part 1)

Have you ever felt disappointed by the ones you love or admire the most? Or have you ever had betrayals that were done by the ones you trust the most? How was it like? Oh… you don’t have to explain it. I know. It was like a sweet coffee that suddenly tastes bitter when it goes into your throat. It was so unpleasant to our hearts, and I’ve ever experienced one of these s***s in my life. So, in this writing I wanna tell the stories about those two things above (disappointment and betrayal) that make me think about how some people could be so evil and disappointing to one another.

The first one is my crush (egghhmm😜😆) yeaahh I’ve ever liked and admired a man who always ‘played around’ in my mind until he ‘got into’ my deepest dream when I slept at night. When I first met this man, I had no feelings towards him. But, as the time gone by, I felt I got attracted to him. I don’t know, but I think he was so charming and even more, he always joked with me and also with others. I could say that he was so 'addictive’ or even 'poisonous’ because besides his charming appearance, he also indirectly made me so addicted to getting to know about him, and made me imagine about him continuously for what he’s done to me (joking with me and paying me some compliments). So I had a few fun things with him. For example, when I sat by myself and read a book, I saw he came to me and asked me to sing a song that I didn’t like, but I just smiled at him and didn’t take it seriously, even though I thought it was a disgusting joke I’ve ever seen and heard from him. The second one was when he paid me compliments. He said that I’m always good, rarely feeling 'blue’ and 'under the weather’ because I’ve always been present when I was in the same place with him. But again and again, he joked with me that he gets bored because he always sees my face in the same place😜. One more!! I got the best result on the 'his thing’ (I don’t wanna mention it) that I hated and I was not good at it, but it’s just a piece of cake for him. So, when he saw this, he was so surprised (including me) and not believing that I made it. He then gave me his hand and congratulated me. I don’t know, but I think it was the best small thing I’ve ever achieved in my life. So, those were three things that made me hard to forget him and keeping me down in my imagination about him.

By the way, I was with him for almost four years, and I never told him about my feelings because I knew that my feelings are unreasonable, unacceptable, and one-sided (did you know what I mean?😜 but honestly, I don’t wanna share this to detail and just keep it to myself). But the main thing is there is the biggest unreachable gap between us. So that, if I forced him to go for that together, he would be 'bent out of shape’, hating me so much, and the most important thing is we are then labeled by the society as the bad and insane people because we broke one of their 'unwritten rules’.

The times finally have been going on until we were apart for two years. As we lived our own lives, I was still in the same feelings towards him. Even though I had found another man at that time, but finally it turned out to be temporary. After two years, I met him and he joked with me again, but as usual I was still clumsy, awkward, and not understanding what he meant in his jokes. He just smiled and laughed at me in front of some people that also laughed at the jokes (honestly, it made me feel so embarrassed too 😑😒😤). But at the same time, I never thought that he still knows and remembers me instead of ignoring and acting as if he doesn’t know me at all. So because of that, I marked that year as the best and amazing year of my life. *lol

After that, I met him again in the next year but with different feels. I saw him physically, but not emotionally. I didn’t see and feel his soul again. I stared at him, but he looked away as if he doesn’t know me at all, even my name. He was so cold to me, and I was wondering about that. But other than that, there was the most hurtful thing that happened at that time. He had a chit-chat with other women in front of me and treated me like an invisible person. Another thing that made me disappointed towards him was he giving a compliment and a thumb to another woman for her achievement. When I saw that, I was like 'oh s**t… what the f***k is he doing??!!’ Because before this thing happened, I tried to amaze him with my hand-skills which I’ve never done and posted it on the media. But then, he gave me nothing and didn’t care about that. So, it got me into deeply huge disappointment and resentment towards him, and also I was so tired and sick of this (sorry, if you think that I was so dramatic and hyperbolic). Then, I realized that all this time I’ve been loving the wrong person in the wrong way and the situation too. So from now on, I try to forget him, throw this s**t f***in’ feeling away, and living my life as always.

[alresrachsilences]

Imagination has been controlling me. Unrealistic things or events were rolling around in my mind. I kept daydreaming all the time. I finally found myself laughing, crying, or in anger for no reason. Oh gooossshh… What actually happened to me? When would that fuck go to the end? I don’t want to take myself into the trap of comfort zone and finally I cannot see the reality of the world.

[alresrachsilences]

Sedang berada dalam fase takut, tidak siap dan layak untuk melangkah menuju gerbang kedewasaan yang lebih matang. Sudah lewat lebih dari seperempat, dari 'angka bebek' menuju 'angka sayap kupu-kupu'. Marah dan sesak karena tertinggal, jalan di tempat, terjebak di dunia anak-anak, pikiran ke sana kemari, fantasi tak karuan, takut keluar dari zona nyaman dan tak sesuai dengan ekspektasi. Dipaksa dewasa oleh umur dan realita. Merasa malu jika menjalaninya sudah melelenceng dari peraturan usia yang sudah ditetapkan. Ingin menghilang tetapi bukan mati. Maaf untuk yang merasa sudah dikecewakan, karena sejatinya diri ini masih kekanak-kanakan dan jauh dari kata sempurna.

[alresrachsilences]

You may be able to heal the wound on your skin just in short amount of time, but otherwise, it takes you a very long time to heal your inner wound. Even more, when you numb and bury it into the deepest 'ground' as if that it seems like nothing happened, as if that I'm ok with it. Because mental abuse is more dangerous than physical abuse.

[alresrachsilences]

Menurut gw, belaian dan hembusan sejuk kata-kata adalah sebuah ancaman. Ancaman untuk terbunuh di realitas. Karena setelah mendapatkan belaian dan hembusan itu, gw akan tergiur untuk memasuki lorong yang panjang dan akan sampai di dunia yang paling dalam. Dunia imajinasi. Gw akan menerbangkan pikiran gw di dunia itu ke sana ke mari, tanpa tentu arah dan hal-hal mustahil adalah yang paling mendominasi. Gw pun seakan benar-benar hidup di sana. Akhirnya gw pun dianggap aneh dan dicap gila bahkan mati(terbunuh di realitas) hanya gara-gara terbuai oleh belaian dan hembusan sejuk kata-kata tersebut.

[alresrachsilences]

There are two possibilities for why I keep thinking about this third one and I find it hard to forget it (even though I have actually found another one that turns out to be temporary):

1. It didn’t leave me especially when I was at the ‘last level’, not like both of them.

2. I haven’t found another one that fit to me.

I can’t believe that love and admiration can be this weird and complicated.

[alresrachsilences]

Daydreaming about the endless screwed up life is the wasting of thing and I shouldn't take this for granted. Get up, break those bricks, open that door, and be ready for something new that can give the power, enlightenment, and inspiration.

[alresrachsilences]

I realize that being an adult is not as fun as we thought when we were children or teenagers. I also realize that it's like a game. The more you go to the next level, the more difficulty and challenge you face 😑😤😫😜

[alresrachsilences]

I never thought that the one who most hurtful and being betrayer is the closest to us, even if we have ever helped them from nothing to be something, from zero to hero, and I can't imagine how hurtful and disgusting it was for the people who have experienced this.

[alresrachsilences]

Where you might see trash, others might see treasure… or compost for new tomatoes! 🍅 It can be hard to not feel like trash sometimes, so it can help to remember that even “trash” has value! 

Chibird store | Patreon | Webtoon

[alresrachsilences]

You’re not behind. You’re right on track, on your personal path which might look totally different from anyone else’s. 

I admit I tend to feel like I’m running out of time, especially with how much I accomplish with my art. But at the end of it all, there’s no timeline and certainly no finish line. It’s hard because there’s always so much more I want to create, and there’s only a limited amount of time in between working full-time as an engineer, so I always feel like my art is moving slower than I want it to. But there’s no point in rushing myself if it’s a detriment to my mental health. I can enjoy the journey while creating and accomplishing more of my goals at a sustainable pace. 🙏 I hope this helps anyone feeling like they’re behind. We have plenty of time, so there’s no rush. 💛

Chibird store | Positive Pin Club | Webtoon

[alresrachsilences]

I've ever seen these kind of people:  1. They feel loved by God, but on the other hand they always break God's rules. 2. They feel like they gain the abundant blessing from God when they are being insulted and persecuted by other people. But they forgot that they’ve ever hurt someone else and didn't apologize sincerely. They’re also giving some advice with the most beautiful word or quote to the others, but they don’t do some self-reflection to themselves.  So, I don't understand why they called these things as blessings for them and they thought they had a beautiful life, instead of doing self-improvement or introspection.   *They always 'put' the God (even tend to blame him) as an excuse to justify their mistakes. *Sorry if these my words are offensive or hyperbolic, but i've been too sick of these kind of people.

[alresrachsilences]

I was born into this world

With the purity and clarity

And my book is still with the blank pages

Haven’t known what will be written yet

Until the God decides to write within

I’ve never known what life really is

What its image look like?

Who am i with in there?

Until i open my eyes and get growing

Until i can understand what’s in there

Please give me the light

to guide me going through this journey

To live my life as good as possible

To get strength in my soul when i am in the dark times

[alresrachsilences]

Devil In Angel

Ketika tutur kata dan kain pembungkus daging tanah 

sudah mengamini perintah dari Tuhan...

Mengharumkan pandangan segelintir insan

Alim, anggun, bersih, suci tanpa dosa

Dari kepala sampai ujung kaki 

Begitu pandangan mereka

Pura-pura buta...

Atau benar-benar buta?

Amnesia...

Adakah yang sadar, ada tali yang masih putus dan membusuk karenanya?

Silau pandangan mereka... Dihembuskan kain dan tutur kata itu

Menghakimi insan lain yang tidak sejalan

Patuh terhadap Tuhan tapi menebas hati sesamanya

Menyebarkan ayat tapi mengacuhkan mohon maaf dan meruntuhkan kerendahan hati

Berkata salah tapi tidak mengaku

Berlagak sok suci 

Bedebah!!

Khutbah kebencian...

Kasihan...

Munafik...

Pengkhianat

[alresrachsilences]

Karena mengikhlaskan jauh lebih baik dan menenangkan daripada terus memaksakan kehendak, yang pada akhirnya akan jatuh menyakitkan ke jurang yg lebih dalam

[alresrachsilences]

Sooner or later the truth will be revealed Time will tell The betrayer deserves no place in peace

[alresrachsilences]

semakin memahami, bahwa tidak hanya cinta saja yang bisa mengaburkan logika. tetapi mendukung dan mengagumi seseorang (secara berlebihan) pun juga demikian