almondbiscotti

[almondbiscotti]

The past week has been intense. Truly. I think it's been my most emotionally charged birthweek ever.

But despite that all, I know I am very, very loved. And I want to be grateful. I am grateful.

So thank you. Thank you to all the ones who love me. I don't know what country I saved in my past life to deserve this, but thank you, thank you, thank you. I am blessed beyond measure.

In my mind, I hold the memory of my cold nose against a warm neck and arms wrapped around me, keeping me safe, calling me home. May I always have You as Home.

#Nessa personal #FP

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I don't know how I'm supposed feel so don't ask me how I feel. I feel so heavy and burdened, I guess that's the best way I can describe it.

How the fuck do you deal with something like this. What the fuck do I do? What the fuck am I supposed to do or feel. How the fuck should I be reacting?

I actually feel a bit nauseated but I'm not sure if it's because of what happened or because my body is trying to do an eat-my-feelings thing and I've been shoving some questionable food pairings down my throat.

I don't want to cry about it. I don't want to unpack anything. I don't feel I have the capacity, energy or emotional range to deal with all the worms that are going to come up. I don't know how to talk about it. I don't understand it myself so how the hell would anyone else get it?

What do I do?

#nessa personal

[almondbiscotti]

Yes baby yesssss

도경수 미니 앨범 [성장] DO KYUNGSOO 3RD MINI ALBUM [성장] 2024.05.07 6PM KST

#do kyungsoo

[almondbiscotti]

Pretty :)

All of my days, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing.

#nessa personal

[almondbiscotti]

It's so noisy

in my head.

To be honest, I'm very, very tired. The work is invigorating and I'm so grateful to be given this opportunity but I'm so tired. I love my job, but I am beginning to realise I barely know what the fuck I am doing.

Where is this self doubt coming from? I'm fabulous and I know it. But there is so much I don't know, there is so much that terrifies me, and people can be so kind but also so cruel at the same time.

It is so noisy in my head and whatever's bothering me mentally is spilling over physically and I'm feeling the burden of stress somatically. I've been battling this stupid virus for nearly 4 weeks, I sleep but I do not feel rested, I'm getting weird patches of stress induced ezcema (the last time I had this was literally during my A levels wtf?), I have pain and aches in random parts of my body, and my skin is losing its glow.

But I am enjoying the work. I really am. The team is wonderful, I'm learning so much, and I know I'm doing good work. I suppose anyone's first time is going to be scary and stressful, so I can rationalise all of this. I also know I am dealing with some stressors in my personal life too, so everything is compounding.

I'm okay. I really am. I just wanted to put into words all the noise that's in my head because I don't want to invalidate my own feelings. I'm scared. But I also want to be brave. I have so much self doubt but I want to believe I am capable. People are dismissive but I want to be confident of me.

I wish it'd be quieter though. I feel everything bubbling in me and I know it is going to spill over. I am not going to have the words to describe this spillover and I'm scared I'll be asked to.

I want to be seen, to be noticed, to be valued.

It's so noisy in my head.

#Nessa personal #I am so tired

[almondbiscotti]

pretty

DO KYUNGSOO

#kyungsoo

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Read, read, read. Read everything -- trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it. Then write. If it's good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out of the window.

— William Faulkner.

[almondbiscotti]

Seriously, life needs to stop throwing emotional bombs at me, my heart cannot take it?!?!?

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I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past couple of days.

It's such a sad song and has been making me think. Think about the past, think about the future, think about regrets, think about desperation, think about how some things cannot be fixed.

And I wonder if I feel this way because the thought that all of it was in vain and for naught is near unbearable. That my best was meaningless and worthless. What would that mean for my future, for the rest of my days?

#nessa personal #nessa songs on repeat #Spotify

[almondbiscotti]

I do not care about your vision, if you do not care about me.

[almondbiscotti]

Stop It. Get Some Help.

I have a bad habit. (I mean, I have many, but this is the one I am going to talk about today.) I have billion and one places that I jot down notes for work. It is not healthy. It really is not.

I have no less than 4 separate notebooks that I take to meetings to note down meeting pointers. I have zero pattern as to what notebook I bring for what meeting or type of work. Literally, whichever one is the one that I see first on my table, is the one I bring along with me.

I also don't limit myself to physical notebooks. At times, I jot down notes on my OneNote application. Sometimes, I use the notes segment of powerpoint for my notes. Sometimes, I use rough paper that I have on hand. Other times, I use my phone to jot down notes. I might even sent notes to myself via teams messenger to myself. Variety is the spice of life right?

My point is, my notes are every bloody where. Now, you probably are thinking how the fuck does Nessa follow up with anything if her notes are everywhere? And to be honest, my memory is pretty good, and I am usually quite prompt with follow up so I can remember where things are and it's not that bad. I can nearly always remember the gist of what I note down so even I can't find it, I know it exists and will persist until I find what I need to find. So it hasn't really been a problem, at least not one big enough that I need to change.

But then today happened. I just spent 45 minutes searching for a set of notes on a meeting that happened earlier this month which I am 100000% certain I took. I was starting to wonder if I hallucinated the meeting notes because I flipped through ALL my notebooks, skimmed through ALL the papers I have on table, searched my frickin Whatsapp history because I thought I might have summarised the notes in whatsapp to my boss BUT ALL TO ZERO AVAIL. And we have a follow up meeting tomorrow and I really need to make sure I got my shit right fucccccckkkkkk.

Until I found it. I found the damn notes on my PERSONAL LAPTOP ONENOTE APP. LIKE WTF WHY. SISTER WHY. But the relief though. THE RELIEF.

I don't understand myself. I do not. Stop it Vanessa. Get some help. You need to get your shit together.

#Nessa personal #BAD HABITS STOP IT

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How beautiful.

― Ovid, Metamorphoses

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Oh, I love this. :)

Posting this for the people who think that Tolkien's world-building was something complete and entire and finished before he started to write.

You always learn and discover your story and your world as you write. Sometimes you are just the first reader.

[almondbiscotti]

Oh god I am so tired.

I honestly just want to go home, lie on the floor and have some beer. But I can't. I have family obligations. I have to hold my shit together for a bit more.

But that beer and my time on the floor, wait for me

#Nessa personal

[almondbiscotti]

I have quite a few shows to look forward to this year and I'm so excited!

There is the Shinee concert happening in March. I'm so excited I could cry. I'm going to go and yell my lungs out at my favourite Korean boys. I'm a bit sad that Onew is unlikely to be there but.... I'm happy to soak in being in the same room as the rest of the other Shinee boys. Oh Shinee, my loves, my youth, my heart. :)

Then there is Hamilton that's happening in April/May. I have wanted to watch Hamilton for a long time but tickets were impossible to get while I was in USA. So you know what I did now that it's coming to Singapore? That's right, I bought tickets to watch it TWICE. It's going to be a BLAAAAAST.

And lastly, I just got tickets to watch Jason Leong's new show, Why Are You Like This? (I frickin love the title? Like HARD FUCKING RELATE?!) happening in July.

Oh, Life is so very Good. :)

#Nessa personal #I'm so happy #Life is good #Nessa a year ago was so different

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And lately, I'm terrified that all my youth is fading. Man, growing old is so excruciating.

#Nessa songs on repeat #Spotify

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I hope your laugh is the soundtrack to all my stories.

#FP