alma-system

[alma-system]

[alma-system]

he remembers more than me. i didnt remember the thing in the water before. just the statues.

#eres.

[alma-system]

i have as much a right to be here as you doooooo

#richieee

[alma-system]

Think systems with a high number of fictional introjects are a new phenomena? Kluft's paper on polyfragmented/extremely complex DID from 1988 includes a patient with LOTR introjects, and another based off of Shakespear's Tempest. Fictional introjects have been a thing for a very long time!

[alma-system]

.

#having my life hinge on written word in a system with a control freak host #is difficult. #eres

[alma-system]

christ who is this i recognize the person next to me but also i don't

[alma-system]

I am making the executive decision to use this again because god knows we need a place to document and also complain.

I feel incredibly awkward 100% of the time out here because frankly I don't need another row with Tim. I'd rather avoid that happening again as it was quite uncomfortable when we went to Florence.

#jon

[alma-system]

saying "i need a friend right now" feels like everybodys going to see me as a fuckign first grader but jesus fuck i nedd a friend sometimes

#im so overwhelmd i cant think straight #i justw ant to find my noteboona md go to bed i cant dela eith this #i cant deal wiyh gray i cang deal with her and chilla i cant deal eith losing my most prized possession #i cant deal with beign looked at like im a holeless idiot again when i say i lost it #i hate sitting here sobbing like a fucking idiot because i know all anyone would realistically feel #looking at me is the same pity you give a turtle on its back who keeps flipping itself #like huh okay. thats kind of pathetic. kknd of cant help but feel sorry for it #all i am having are really REALLY bad inteusive thoughts and idk ahat to do lol #carter #of cours eit sfucking carter

[alma-system]

pros of having a body: having a body

cons: everything else

#my tummy hurts and im being so brave abt it #this is the worst co con we feel.hhhhhh. static and i are dying. #switchin at the soeed of LIGHT

[alma-system]

hello! i do not believe anyone else will read this but i am delta. i believe we have a journal too! i do not know why i am here but i know it is good that i am here because i can be a friend :] i appreciate not fully fronting! thank you to whoever is filtering for me. now i want to go to bed so good night :]

#yes it is now bedtime and i do hope we dream happy!

[alma-system]

sometimes i really wonder when we will get to make any sense of any of this shit you know??

[alma-system]

i hate having front all fucked up

#like yeah on the bright side we found of the kids and we know where our main fronters are. #but also like half our people are scattered god knows where #and it's extremely difficult for anyone not me or pol to front for long #and we have no vlue why #well eres can for some reason

[alma-system]

im stuck in front and it's scary because we don't know where everyone is we can't find them. we need then. we can't do this alone just the two of us with what's left of suit. nothings working. nobody else is here. im scared.

[alma-system]

It's apparently my duty now to front while they deal with city things. Would prefer a different reason to front that I actually have experience in handling. If it's my job to sit here in this body and make sure it doesn't come to harm, though, I'm not exactly going to abandon post.

Carter drew the city last night. Scenes from it, at least. They say that not all of it's the city; apparently there are whole swathes of land that is natural or suburban or what have you. But that doesn't change the fact thag they drew wildly unrelated scenes. I don't look forward to discovering quite how large this headspace is outside of Shell. It seems to have a solid landscape with static landmarks, set travel times, continuing scenery, etcetera.

What concerns me is the presence of two hospitals in the city. One of them is for physical illness, one of them for mental illness. From what I can tell, the physical one is the one with the trolley system. The mental health one is much larger and is located inland with from what I can tell larger stakes when Carter dreams of it.

The fact that Pol dreamt about the city before and was fronting heavily yesterday doesn't escape notice. We have not flooded, as Pol says that happened before, but we don't exactly seem to know when the crack will fully break. It's quite sizable, enough for Harek to fit through to explore. I don't believe they should yet. I woukd rather come along for self defense reasons. Not that Harek can't handle themselves-- but a gun is always a helpful threat.

#Graham. #Journal.

[alma-system]

figured out why marcie's here

#oops. but she liked the songs at least

[alma-system]

i feel so guilty

#well. pol does. #he shouldnt. #i know he wants to be there but he literally has something unknown wrt sleep issues #and wrt how much he can stay fronting without getting fucking exhausted. #they can't hinge everything on the other fronting at all points of communication.

[alma-system]

i love you if you're mentally ill and/or neurodivergent and can't hide your symptoms. i love you if you tic, if you space out for long periods of time and lose track of conversations, if you react to hallucinations, if you laugh and talk out loud to yourself or to your system members, if you get scared and panic and have to react, if you run from perceived threats, if you get angry and irrational when something triggers your paranoia or trauma, if you can't help getting scared and dependent, if you have a low stress tolerance, if you have disorganized speech and word salad, if you stutter, if you can't control the volume of your voice. you are loved.