alittletrainofthought

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[alittletrainofthought]

Day 87 - Tuesday, February 14th

The clouds above opened up and let it out It's friends day and I take a moment to appreciate the incredible people I have around me. Across different countries, across different ages, across different versions of me.

The ones who came when I most needed them and the ones who never left. The ones who showed up, the ones who gave up, the ones who give space and courage and inspire change.

I'd be nothing without them.

The one I share a home with brings me friends day roses and I find myself in tears.

We'll get through this. We will.

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Day 86 - Monday, February 13th The damage done set aside from eyes of others / Our frail structures can't keep up with the pace brought out for all to see

I pace around the block and feel the sun on my face. I practice introducing myself, over and over again, like I was in some terrible Hollywood comedy scene. I go over how to explain the research we're doing, careful not to stumble on my words, articulate the difficult concepts and make sure to leave space for questions and elaboration.

I honestly I don't know why I'm this nervous. I'm usually not. Perhaps I just don't feel very competent these days.

For the next two hours I sit on a strangers couch and ask him questions so personal I'm not even sure I'm comfortable asking them. We discuss privilege and discrimination and I can't seem to shake the feeling I'm completely out of my element. I cut my salad with scissors and missing my mother comes like a sharp pain in my chest.

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Day 85 - Sunday, February 12th

I don't wanna talk / About things we've gone through / Though it's hurting me / Now it's history 

I’ve played all my cards / And that's what you've done too / Nothing more to say / No more ace to play It's funny how old habits seem to be increasingly hard to resist whenever it gets rough. I allow someone back into my life if even for a moment, and find myself wondering why we're here again. Going through this again. As if it hasn't caused us enough pain.

I fetch my harshest, most unfiltered self. I need her these days. I need me these days.

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Day 84 - Saturday, February 11th

I'm a disappointment / I stay up, take drugs and miss appointments / Then complain about the outcome of my choices / It feels pointless when I try to avoid all of the thoughts in my head

And my eyes went red 'cause I'm cryin' again / Looking for love, all I find is a mess / So I break my heart for the sake of my art / Hope it makes me a star 'cause I'm lost in the dark It's been dark for a while now. I re-read old entires, try to figure out when the darkness started. Or perhaps when it returned.

Because it's always been there, for as long as I can remember. Some days I almost don't feel it, it's like it's so light that I barely notice the weight. Other days it's a choker, and every step in the wrong direction tightens it a little more around my neck.

Today is one of the latter days. I try to interact with the outside world as little as possible because my inner world alone is draining.

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Day 84 - Friday, February 10th

Don’t look at me that way / It was an honest mistake 

I complete my duties, cancel plans and sit with my notes and my papers and try to make sense of the dusty old library that is my mind.

An unexpected visit gets me out of the house if even for a few hours, some good conversation and genuine laughter can only do good.

Two consecutive days of socialising seems to be pushing it these days. I wonder how much longer I'll feel this way.

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Day 83 - Thursday, February 9th Como otra piel / Como otro sabor / Como otros abrazos / Otro olor

I rise before the sun. It's a rare occurrence. The sky is gorgeous as I make myself out into the still quiet streets. It's calming somehow. I think to myself that I should do this more often knowing full when I probably won't.

I have dinner with a gorgeous bunch of people. It's an evening of cuddles, of caring, of eating food we all poured a little of ourselves into, of sharing bits and pieces of the future and the past.

It's warm and calming and it brings me a lot of peace.

[alittletrainofthought]

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Day 82 - Wednesday, February 8th

And I was runnin' far away / Would I run off the world someday / Nobody knows, nobody knows I spend the whole day contacting people for research purposes and each phone call drains me more than the next. In between I spend around a dozed dragged out minutes staring a wall, wondering if I really want to do this. But if I don't, what do I really want to do? I edit some photos of luminous individuals and am overwhelmed by how much I miss them.