alittlefallof-rain

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💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

#YetToCome_on_Weverse_LIVE

#YetToCome_on_Weverse_LIVE

[alittlefallof-rain]

I'm not in a good place. Physically, yes. But everywhere else, not so. I feel like I'm losing myself if I haven't already. I don't have the energy to talk to my friends or anyone else. I feel so lost and I don't know how or where I could pick myself up. My thoughts are all over the place, I couldn't even sleep properly.

In all honesty, my only refuge is BTS and my monkey, as cheesy as it may sound. I find myself on twitter and youtube a lot more these days to escape the real world. In hindsight, it's not so bad and it actually helps, but when I put my phone down for a second, reality comes rushing back in all at once until it gets too overwhelming.

I guess that's the right word to describe how I've been feeling - overwhelmed. With work, with problems, with anxieties. I want to rest, to take a day (or even a week) without an ounce of worry. But I can't. In my situation, it's impossible...well, at least for now.

Oh, and they just announced that we will be in ECQ. Again.

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I'm scared of growing old.

There. I said it. I think only one person in this world knows about this, but it's true. Although I'm living in the present, it also feels like I'm missing out on it. I don't know how else to describe it.

One of the things that I have a love-hate relationship with is nostalgia, as it can either be the most beautiful thing or the complete opposite. I often find myself looking back on memories, back when I had no worries, when TVs were small and square, when cassette tapes were not considered vintage, when I considered going home at 5pm as too late, when my brother and I used to fight like crazy, when I still had a double decker bed with the top bunk filled with my stuffed toys, when afternoons at my grandmother's house were my everyday. Sure, they are fond memories, but I still get a longing feeling sometimes.

But the reality is, it's inevitable.

Because of the pandemic, I haven't seen my extended family in almost two years. Yes, we see each other briefly, like when we needed to drop off things at each others' houses. But it's different when you don't get to spend actual time with them. You see, I grew up in my grandmother's home. Most of my cousins did, too. We were there every afternoon after school, until our parents picked us up. I also grew up very close to my aunts and uncles because I was the first-born. I was their first-ever pamangkin. I witnessed most of their struggles during the early stages of their married lives and even helped a bit in looking after my other cousins. Earlier today, I got to spend a little bit of time with them after a year of not seeing them. Made me realize how much could change in a year-our youngest has already caught up to my height, my uncles and aunts are growing gray hair, and my cousins are starting to get jobs, and all that.

And also today, reality hit me. My parents, too, are growing old. It's a known fact that everybody grows old, but you don't actually realize until you see it with your own eyes. I see my mother's hands getting wrinkles, my father's face getting thinner...I pretend not to notice. Because I am afraid. I've been selfish the past few years, only thinking about myself, enjoying the freedom they gave me because they have been so strict when I was still studying. But staying at home for the past year has made me really look at them and realize, why haven't I noticed these little details before? Have I been so caught up living my own life that I forgot that I'm a big part of theirs? It hurts, really, to see them grow old. I haven't been of much help to them, and sometimes I have even been the source of their stress. I'm still trying to get my life back on track so I can at least contribute to the life they deserve.

I'm scared of growing old. Because that means everyone else around me is, too.

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It's one of those nights again wherein my brain couldn't stop talking. Right now, im feeling the intense need to travel. Anywhere. I miss the late night packing, airbnb and hotel hunting, flight and train ride bookings, waiting for those klook discounts for attraction tickets and wifi devices (lol), the feeling of <i>did i forget to bring anything</i> before leaving for the airport, the smell of the airport itself, the hassles of checking-in and boarding a gate, putting my carryon in the cabins, placing my bag under the seat, choosing a playlist to help with my anxiety going through the roof because of my fear of plane rides, eating airplane food, looking through the airline magazines, forcing myself to sleep, looking through the window when the plane's about to descend, feeling the plane land and taxi, deplaning, getting my luggage from the carousell, studying maps, looking for the best way to go to the hotel, settling my things down at the hotel, trying to converse in another language, looking for places to eat....I could go on and on. I honestly miss these. I hope everything gets better soon.

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I was doing a lot of self-loathing earlier and just decided to browse social media when I came across a photo of Jesus hugging a child. Suddenly, I felt a rush of love come over me that felt like a warm hug (I don't know how else to describe it) and I started to cry. Not because of how much I disliked myself but because of the overwhelming amount of love I felt in that instant. It's like He's telling me how much He loves me and that I shouldn't torture myself with overthinking. His love is more than enough.

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watch out @thor

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Jupiter and 4 of her moons peaking out from behind our moon! 

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Rising moon casts light on Mt. Whitney, Sierra Nevada mountains, California

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by Atsuhiko Takagi

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[alittlefallof-rain]

Ten things to do in 2017: 1. Take it a day at a time. You don’t have to know what you’re doing the next day or even the next hour. I’ve learned that the more you think in the future, the shorter the day seems and the months fly past you and you’re left feeling discontent and unsatisfied. It’s almost like everything has been in a blur, and you find yourself saying, “the year went by so fast”, even though you haven’t accomplished much. So do everything in the moment of ‘now’, and cherish each minute like it’s the last minute you have. 2. Let it go. You know nothing is going to change, because you can’t change people unless they truly want to and you can’t change the past either, and the sooner you realize this, you will spend more time being happy than in a constant battle with your mind and your heart. They need to rest too. 3. Take risks. If you never take any, the moment that turned out for the worst could have turned out for the best. This works vice-versa as well, but either way, you will learn from these experiences. You won’t forget how rapidly your heart was beating in these moments and how electric you felt. It will be worth it in the end, trust me. 4. Call up that person that you didn’t spend enough time getting to know, simply because you were too distracted with somebody else or just didn’t feel like you’d become something more than acquaintances. Greet strangers and embrace the idea of diversity. Ask questions about different cultures, morals, ideas, beliefs; educate yourself as much as you can. 5. Go ahead and wear that outfit you keep telling yourself that it doesn’t look good on you. You bought it because you liked it, yes? So, show it to the whole damn world. If you do it with a smile and confidently squared shoulders—even better. You are beautiful. 6. Instead of procrastinating and wallowing in self-pity, get up and do something. Sitting around is not going to do much but make you feel horrible, and you’ll create scenarios that may not even exist or be as big in your head that will cause matters to become worse. You want this to be your year of explosive progress? Set goals and strive to achieve them. You want to look back at the end of the year and say, “I did good”. 7. Spend more time with your family or friends. Build a support system so strong, that you will never feel lonely. In fact, this support system will lead you to feeling content even when you are alone, because you won’t feel the constant need to either be with someone or have somebody who loves you, because you know you’ll have people who love you and the more love you surround yourself with, the easier it becomes to love yourself too. 8. Be kind always and be angry when you need to be. Stand up for the ideas that you believe in and don’t back down from them just because you have a different opinion. Learn to love the sound of your voice when it bounces off the walls of a classroom full of people, because your voice has the power to change a million minds. Remember, you are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel. 9. Go on more road trips or just take a few minutes to be outside by yourself. Inhale and exhale the air around you. Watch the stars, the sunset, the sunrise, the birds flying in the sky, the cars passing by. Walk in the rain sometimes without an umbrella, instead of running. Let the sunlight soak your skin more often. God, isn’t the world itself beautiful? 10. Be faithful. This is the year you hoped to be better. Don’t let anything stop you from achieving that, because you are limitless as long as you believe yourself to be.

Ten things to do in 2017 (via aawordthings)

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There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt: swimming in the ocean while it rains, reading alone in empty libraries, the sea of stars that appear when you’re miles away from the neon lights of the city, bars after 2am, walking in the wilderness, all the phases of the moon, the things we do not know about the universe, and you.

Beau Taplin, “And You” (via wordsnquotes)

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I find it weird that I didn't even shed a tear. Yes, I was sad, but my tears are usually so shallow that I cry about everything. But in this instance, I didn't. I wonder why.