alexiinspace

[alexiinspace]

im not fooling anyone, i don't think. id never be enough for them

why wasnt i good enough?

i let you have me when i was at my most vulnerable. why wasnt i enough?

would i be enough now ?

[alexiinspace]

i'm not even burnt out, I just need a break from school. like.. now

[alexiinspace]

why wasnt i good enough?

i let you have me when i was at my most vulnerable. why wasnt i enough?

would i be enough now ?

[alexiinspace]

wishing you were special to them

[alexiinspace]

do you ever wonder if you'll ever have someone think about you every day

does that mean, if they do, they love you? atleast in some way?

or maybe if there is anyone out there that thinks about me every day it means we're soulmates

if there was, i wish i knew who they were

id play Harry styles on full blast in the car with all the windows and sunroof down on a summer evening while the sun sets with no one else

now if i only knew who they were

[alexiinspace]

they dont deserve either of them.

[alexiinspace]

i wish i knew if they felt remorse for any of what they did. even just a little. but theyd never tell me the truth.

would their parents be prouder of me than them if they knew what i was doing? would they still be happy to be Able to brag about me to people and be able to go to college football games to watch my marching band shows? to wear the corny " ___ university mom/dad" shirts? would they hang up pictures of me performing and welcome me home every break?

would they do any of that, if they knew the truth?

i wish i knew.

[alexiinspace]

and if i find out they're manipulating anyone else i know, if i find out they're taking advantage of someone who doesn't know better, i will make sure they feel every ounce of pain from my retaliation. every single bit of it. that's their consequence for taking away 3 years of my life.

[alexiinspace]

but also

coming home for summer break and going to get iced coffee together when you're not tutoring or they're not working and planning trips to the beach & you two get your own little room and get to go explore on the boardwalk and collect seashells and take polaroids except itll

probably never happen because anyone youve ever loved thinks youre just a piece of meat

[alexiinspace]

& waking up, hearing each other's heartbeat ricochet, no matter the hour, and feeling safe, feeling at home. whether its starlight pouring through the blinds, or the sun peeking into the room to wish us good morning, every bit of every waking moment is worth it to be loved like that. for them to count my freckles like they're constellations, and for me to lay on their chest and trace patterns into their collarbones, every waking moment. every single one is worth it to share a genuine love like that

[alexiinspace]

is that too much to ask or is everyone ive ever loved just someone who wants me as a trophy & not their boyfriend ‼️

i wanna cook for you while i wear your hoodie thats two sizes too big for me and watch reality TV with you while we eat and then cuddle in my bed that has way too many pillows and get swallowed by fluffy blankets until we fall asleep under my fairy lights

[alexiinspace]

i wanna cook for you while i wear your hoodie thats two sizes too big for me and watch reality TV with you while we eat and then cuddle in my bed that has way too many pillows and get swallowed by fluffy blankets until we fall asleep under my fairy lights

[alexiinspace]

i cant wait for break & then to just be able to go to college full time. bc everything is just so completely exhausting

im dysphoric all the time, none of my friends want to play video games with me anymore.

part of me wants to just block everyone im talking to right now and wait to make new friends until band camp

[alexiinspace]

im exhausted

[alexiinspace]

i still love her like my own mother, to be clear. thatll never go away. they don't deserve an ounce of what she's sacrificed and offered as a mom. that's the kicker here.

id like to know exactly what they said to her

id like to know the reason behind why she was treating me like an alien, when not even moments before that night, i was her own kid. when she wanted to be in my life, and to see me succeed.

i want to know what lies they spun. i wanna know exactly what they said when they flipped the script, trying to frame me as the "bad guy," to her. manipulating her into thinking i'm a horrible person, when all i did was finish what her shitty excuse for a kid started with myself and others. i want to know exactly why they broke my heart and stepped on the pieces to add insult to injury.

i want to know. every detail.

[alexiinspace]

id like to know exactly what they said to her

id like to know the reason behind why she was treating me like an alien, when not even moments before that night, i was her own kid. when she wanted to be in my life, and to see me succeed.

i want to know what lies they spun. i wanna know exactly what they said when they flipped the script, trying to frame me as the "bad guy," to her. manipulating her into thinking i'm a horrible person, when all i did was finish what her shitty excuse for a kid started with myself and others. i want to know exactly why they broke my heart and stepped on the pieces to add insult to injury.

i want to know. every detail.

[alexiinspace]

i just wonder if shed be proud of me. what she would think of me getting into school for my bachelors & masters in music, what she'd think of me already setting up programs to tutor and teach music theory fundamentals to kids who need it. what shed think of me marching with a college-level band, what she would say about me keeping up with photography & film & raising house plants. what shed say about me being lead alto & lead tenor in two separate university choirs. about my straight A's, and vocal progress, and all the friends ive made. finding a treatment that's been working thus far, finally. i wanna know what she'd say. what she'd think.

i wish i could ask her, just once, "are you proud of me?"