ajaysjournal

[ajaysjournal]

Day 1: 0/5

Day 1 (25 mg): I just took my first half of a pill of Zoloft. It’s already kind of making me feel weird. Probably placebo.

Today has been... troubling to say the least. My ex and I have been fighting constantly these last few months, constantly flipping on what we want. It’s gotten very bad and very abusive. She has called me every name possible, said she hated me then will flip and say she wants to hurt herself when I say this isn’t healthy and needs to stop. Today something flipped and she wants to end on good terms. Easy to say after 4 months of this horrible back and forth. She wrote a letter to me apparently. Is it weird that it hurts more now when she says she will cherish our time that we had then when she says she hates me? It feels so fake and “holier than thou”. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about any of this. I still have so many questions. None of this makes sense.

I guess atleast I can look forward to tomorrow hopefully being the end. I’m going to be so lonely. I know it’s for the best but I am so scared. Everything is in shambles right now. I’m not going to be getting my second major most likely . I don’t have any idea what my future will be like. I’m very scared.

I’m making this blog in hopes that I can see how things are improving(hopefully). I saw this clip or reddit post or something of joe Biden (I think?)talking about how he got over his like entire family dying saying that every day he gave a rating on a calendar. At first it was a lot of zeroes and ones but every once in a while he would get a 2 or a 3. Eventually those were more consistent and then sometimes he would get a 4 or a 5. Of course sometimes there was still zeroes but they were drowned out in a sea of 3’s and 4’s. And he got to visualize his progress. I hope I can get there one day. Because it’s been a lot of zeroes. But I want to be happy. That’s the only thing I feel different from the last time I was depressed. I really want to be happy some day soon.

There’s so much more to say because as someone who has spent so much time writing stories this is seriously lacking a heavy amount of exposition but as I’m reading it back it just seems so whiny. That’s good right? I’m being self aware that I’m whiny as fuck? We’ll just pretend it’s good til we figure it out.

I have an exam I didn’t study for tomorrow because I never learned how to study ever and have just coasted through highschool and college by cramming at the last second and having a good memory. This is 1000% my fault and will definitely give me a ton of anxiety tomorrow but what could I do? Study more? Don’t be ridiculous.

Today was most definitely a 0/5