agaytreasureofthesouth-blog

[agaytreasureofthesouth-blog]

The “Ghosted” Friend 👻

I feel like I’m neglected and looked over a lot. Over and over again I’m forgotten about or the friend that’s put on the back burner. I’m SO tired of these things:

“Sorry just got this but I can’t because...(insert bs excuse)

“We should hang out! Really!” *never hear from them their just saying that because your suppose too

or my personal fav

*read

Being forgotten about

“We didn’t think you’d want to come”

This leaves me wondering this:

Did I do something wrong?

Why don’t they like me?

Am I too annoying?

Do I talk to much?

Does my homosexuality bother them even though they say they love how fem I can be at times

I talk to little

I’m not open enough

I’m too open

I text them too much

They are only using me

They are lying to you because they feel sorry for you

You’ll never be cool enough or good enough to be friends with them

It’s cause they think your too much of a straight edge

I would honestly rather someone tell me “I don’t like you and don’t want to be more than acquaintances with you. No hard feelings” then to lie and smile to my face and pretend to like me.

It bothers me a lot and I’m not sure why. I have a few thoughts though because I know I’m not alone in this...

You have to protect yourself first and formost! No ones mental/physical health should be jepeodized to make someone else happy or to “be polite”

My whole life I was taught manners and how to be courteous to others. I think every person especially children should learn and practice manners like please and thank you and holding doors and things, but you should never put with with a friend who puts your mental/physical health at risk.

Family or friend. This is how a toxic relationship is formed. As someone who had been in an mentally and emotionally abusive relationship I did a lot of things because I thought I was suppose to. Even if there was no positive outcome for me. I spent a lot of my days using all my energy to prepare for my SO to come home from work and ruin my entire night in 2 min by tearing me or anything down. I put up with it because I loved him and I assumed I was in the wrong and for our relationship to work he would need to be happy before me. I sacrificed my happiness in hopes he would be happy and change seeing how hard I tried. But it was the opposite. He would take more and more from me. And when I had nothing left to give and started to wonder what the point of my life was if I couldn’t ever make him happy?

Well I’m happy to say it took over a year for me to realize that would never happen and for my life to continue I would need to leave what started out as a easy friendship.

I was so entrained with a boy who wanted to be my friend and spend time with me I ignored the red flags. I think platonic relationships are the same. We have to set boundaries for ourselves. Concrete boundaries for the relationships in our life. The dictionary definition of boundaries is “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.”

Dividing line really sticks out to me. It’s so important to have the conversation with yourself what’s acceptable and what’s not and HOLD onto it! Remember it! Accidents happen and people make mistakes, but once is a confidence, twice is intentional, 3 times is a habit starting to form.

I’m not saying if someone fucks up to leave them their not good for you. We all mess up, we all do bad things but it’s about growing from that and being able to call your friends out on those things, you have a grown up- fierce conversations, and move on from it. And if a resolution can’t be met or the same actions are repeated that’s a good sign it’s time to move on. People do change. It’s rare, but you also can’t convince someone to change. Ask someone who’s ever loved an addict.

Your probably saying what’s a fierce conversation? Well if you haven’t heard of the book “Fierce Converstions” by Susan Scott Susan describes a fierce conversation as “One in which we come out from behind ourselves, into the conversation and make it real." She believes that interpersonal difficulties are a direct result of our inability to communicate well.

For relationships to be successful of any kind, (work, school, friends, spouse, kids, etc.) we can’t sugar coat our problems! By choosing NOT to speak up because you don’t want to upset or offend them or have that difficult conversation puts limits on your relationship. If you are uncomfortable talking about this now how will it transpire later in your relationship? What if it happens again, will you say anything? Will you stop hanging out with them? Ghost them? Block them? How you handle the situation is how your relationship will unfold. If you are open and honest you will have a strong accountable relationship. The opposite of that, hiding your feelings towards how a situation was handled, how someone spoke to you, something you were upset about whatever the case may-be puts limits on how much your relationship can grow.

Limit your emotions and your standards and you limit yourself. How can we grow as a person, especially us empaths that LOVE to “fix” or “help” if we are constantly giving out our trust/ our hand to those that don’t deserve it. It’s like each time you cut away at yourself and give it away to someone else with nothing in return to build yourself back up. Boundaries are the lines that protect our heart. Without them we burn out.

So I understand what a healthy relationship looks like. What people who genuinely root for your well being and existence in their life. But what when you can’t find it?

Honestly I don’t have the answer because that’s where I’m stuck...

My best friend moved 12 hours away. We had an amazing relationship and we still talk daily but obviously I’d like someone here at home to friend, but I’ve had no luck. I know a lot of people and I’ve attempted to make friends and do things and everything feels so forced and fake and I hate it. It’s like the people I’m with aren’t having a good time either and we are just pretending.

I’m so tired of fake!

I did customer service for most of my life, and I can spot fake happy in a second.

I try to think things like, “your anxiety is making you feel this way. They are just busy/tired/ didn’t really see it.” And I think that’s part of it...sometimes...maybe...

And lately my new thought, and I’m actually kind of proud of this discovery is “they are naive and don’t know any better. So you can’t blame them for not being at that stage of growth yet”

In the same way you can’t get mad at a child for how quickly they learn to crawl because they are growing. They don’t know any better yet” we all grow at different rates. I feel like my heart is a little lighter when I think like that. We have to remember we are all humans who are constantly growing and experiencing life and the journey is different for all of us. But that is not reason to hold onto a toxic relationship.

We can still respect and cheer for someone’s growth without them being an active part of our lives.

But I’ve done my research and I know who I am. I’m proud of where I’ve come and how far I’ve had to come to make it to where I am. I know I’m a good person and a good friend. I’ve never been mean or spiteful to anyone and I am always the cheerleader of my friends. Im never judge mental, I ’m a great listener, I’m funny (most of the time), I try to be a safe place for everyone to come. Someone to talk to. I’ve always said I wanted my home to be a place you can come anytime and have something to eat, a glass of wine, talk, not talk, smoke with, whatever you need at that current time. I think people sense that and know it and i get taken advantage from. And that’s where that line comes in.

I am that safe place for others, but also for myself. Some days, my empath senses need a recharge for myself to heal. So I’m an avid believer that you can isolate yourself and not talk to anyone for awhile. Be honest and tell them you are needing some time to yourself for awhile to heal and gain your strength back. A good friend will tell you they understand and ask if they can help in anyway.

Empathetic people want to be listened to, too. We are the “dream catcher” of everyone’s emotions and that catches up quickly if you don’t know how to process it. Knowing how self care works and what you need to bring yourself back to your normal self is important. Trapping those emotions in and not processing them comes out in other ways, like anxiety, lashing out at minor issues, high blood pressure, depression, ect.

So in conclusion here is my thoughts. People suck. Period. Relationships are fucked up and hard and scary but honestly they can be so worth it. My best friend that moved is my biggest supporter and we talk constantly. We’ve made so many memories and she has taught me so much about life and myself I owe her for teaching me to grow. To think outside the box and challenge the way people behave, and think. I base most of my friendships off ours and that’s probably bad because I’ve known her for 9 years,but I know what a healthy relationship looks like because of her. It’s because of her I see the actions of others who aren’t being authentically themselves.

Maybe it bothers me so bad that people seem to snub me and keep going because of how hard I’ve worked to become who I am. I was closeted for 19 years. 19 years I lived a lie in every way you possibly can and you lose who you are after awhile. You try to be fake for so long the line between true you and the person you fake being is blurred and you lose track of which life is which and if that doesn’t make sense to you, ask someone that is LGBTQIA+ and I’m sure they can relate.

I spent So long being fake these, forced fake relationships I’m getting from other people are just not doing it for me. And I think it’s because I’ve grown so much. I’m unapologetically myself because I couldn’t be for so long. And I don’t think others realize the value in that. I’m weird and loud and fem and I’m FUCKING PROUD OF IT because it’s me. I’m being my authentic self that IM proud of and I don’t care what anyone else thinks. If I’m not good enough for you the way I am, then your relationship in my life is not needed. I’d rather go home alone every night, never have a friend, boyfriend, family, whatever and snuggle with my cats knowing I didn’t conform to be anyone else today. I didn’t water down myself to keep a friend.

Despite I’ve been kind of sad about my shitty friends situation, I’m gonna be happy on my own. I’m gonna find things that make me happy like photography and community involvement to keep my mind and hands busy.

“I believe that the measure of a person's life is the affect they have on others.” -Steve Nash

[agaytreasureofthesouth-blog]

A Closed Chapter, but Not a Closed Book

Comming to an end of a chapter of a really long book. A Greek tragedy of tales, more-so. If I said I wasn’t terrified I’d be lying. It feels nice to know that anything is possible in the next two years...I can learn anything, go anywhere, meet life changing people. I’m so excited to find happiness. I see now why so much pain was needed in my life.

Nursing taught me- how important communication is. Fierce conversations save lives. Remember you are someone’s only smile all day. Be that light to everyone, even when they don’t deserve it because love is a sacrifice. It’s giving part of yourself even when you don’t have it to give. But also respect yourself and know your boundaries. You have to be mentally, physically, emotionally well before anyone else. PeriodT. Our time on this earth is short, make the most of your time with others.

Teaching: the beauty of people. Everyone has the same basic needs. We all want to feel loved and validated.

Retail- everyone has their own shit. No ones life is perfect no matter how it looks on the outside. Don’t judge people cause the “picture perfect” people Who told to avoid the “untouchables” turned out to be a role reversal. Hurt people can heal people too! Love yourself. Love yourself unapologetically! Be what makes you Authentically you. You never know who is watching.

[agaytreasureofthesouth-blog]

I Want to Make a Difference

I want to make a difference so bad. So so bad. If I’m never rich or famous. If I never stand on a platform in front of hundreds of people telling them anything is possible if they believe in themselves, or how important it is to love the people around you because you do not know how they will impact your journey. Or any of the other things I have learned and will learn. I want to be remembered for my love for other people. How I tried to bring about the best in a world that I see so much darkness and hate in. I don’t know how that’s going to play out but I have a plan. And the thing I’ve learned again and agin in my life is I’m usually wrong, but not in a bad way. In a way that’s similar to my plan but it took me down a different path to get their. I had to learn something. So my plan is this. I want to start cutting hair on my days off in the salon at the day center. What a wonderful way to help someone then to cut their hair. Most of the people wondering the streets at night can’t afford a haircut. So cleaning them up, making them look fresh again, everyone gets the same look on their face like, “oh, there I am again” it’s a reunion with yourself and it’s the most beautiful thing to see and if your not a hairstylist or in healthcare you won’t know the look. But it’s why we do what we do. It’s practice for me too. I hate being at home. I’m def a homebody but I get anxious and I need to be doing something with my hands. It helps me be active and hone my craft and I lose nothing from that. I want to get a group of people together to start doing cutting clinics monthly. I thought about doing a similar thing but at the equality center and charge 5-10 dollars for the cut and the money goes to the center. It would be for a good cause, get my name out there, (I’d give out my card to guest too) lots of networking, me getting practice. Also helps me with networking in the LGBTQIA scene but is giving back at the same time.

I’m so close... I’m so FUCKING close to the “Good Part” of my life and I can feel it! I’m just not exactly sure how to get there.....there is so much healing needed in this country right now and my heart aches for the damage control this country will need after the one in the White House is gone. I’m not gonna change the world doing this but I know that. And I’m not gonna get a Nobel peace prize either and I don’t want to broadcast what I’m doing on my social so people can see how humble and selfless I am. I think helping others in whatever form that is, shouldn’t be done as a pat on your back- you did you good deed badge of honor. Its as simple as I’m tired of going to bed knowing someone can’t afford to eat or they are sleeping in the snow because the VA stoped sending them money and can’t work. We’ve all gone though shit, and if you haven’t you know someone who has.