acrylicat

[acrylicat]

my life is a never ending cycle of emotions. its about a 4-5 day loop. one day i will feel amazing and happy. the next day i feel ok, not sad but pretty content. the next two days i feel less than ok, less than a person. on the final day of the loop i feel absolutely awful and i want nothing more than to be a painting to be hung up in a museum for the rest of eternity. today is the 5th day. i am sitting in the back seat of my families car driving back home. its been cloudy all day which isint helping with my mood. i realized in this state of boredom that i have nobody to talk to. i have a pinch of friends but none i really talk to on a regular basis. i went to a college football game this weekend. i had never payed that much attention to football until yesterday. sitting in the bleachers and looking around i saw all these happy families. they were all so happy to be around each other and sitting close as if they have loved each other for thousands of years. i look around at my family and we are sitting awkwardly stiff and apart from each other. we arent really speaking the whole game, except some chatter in between plays. we ate lunch together before we said goodbye to my brother. i realize that since he has been gone we dont have any family meals. if we ever actually go out to eat its only when he is here. we joke around how my mom cries for an hour every time we leave him. i know my mom wont cry when she leaves me. i know this not just because she has said it and joked about it many times, but because i am just a place holder. a place holder for the second son she couldnt have. my nursery was decorated as if i was a boy. they couldnt tell what i was in the ultrasound because of the way i was sitting. they said i am more likely to be a boy than girl. but that wasnt a guarantee. my family took that and ran with it. to every bodies surprise i am a girl. i was born a girl and have always been one. its weird i have to specify that now. even the longing i have to be a boy, i would never go through with that. for many reasons. but mostly because i dont want my family to win at everything. birthing me was their only lose. and they deserve at least one. i plan on going to art school next year. i would rather be anywhere than in my house. so far we have been in the car for 7 hours and nobody has spoken. just silence. my mom tries to tell me that im not as outgoing as i used to be. but none of us are. i dont know when this change even happened. i say im an introvert but am i really. maybe i just dont have the energy to speak anymore.

-ac

[acrylicat]

i dont know what my word limit is on this. maybe their isint one. who knows. who cares. i dont know why i started this. i just want to blog. i want to share my thoughts on the internet anonymously. i dont actually think this will be anonymous. the chances of anybody i know some how stumbling upon this specific page on tumblr is pretty slim. its a chance im willing to take. who knows how often i will post and how long i will keep this up. maybe this will be my new outlet since my therapist keeps cancelling on me. in years from now when i am famous people can look back on this and giggle. hello my fans from the future. if youre wondering how i knew i was going to be famous, my psychic rachel told me. she also told me a lot i didnt want to hear. like i guess at the end of the day i knew most of that stuff. i just didnt want it to be acknowledged by someone else. im not sure why i am writing about this now considering its a months past. i am missing homecoming because my parents had to pick this weekend to go visit my brother in college. im typing this as if i care. im rather glad i have an excuse not to go stand in a gym on a saturday night wearing a short skin tight over priced dress surrounded by everyone i see monday-friday from 8-1. today in the car i drew my silly little drawings for my schools newspaper, west side story. my amphetamines were still going strong so i whipped out two essays in an hour. im sure if i read through them now i would realize just how out of my mind i am. i send my friend caroline emails everyday at school. each day they get longer. every thought in my head returns into those emails. i will start using my energy towards that to here. except these will be written at night. every day i go through a cycle where i wake up feeling like jesse j in the bang bang music video and i go to bed feeling violently depressed. wake up with a god complex in the morning. this cycle happens every day. so sorry you see the side of me that would cry over any stuffed animal if i saw one right now. i am getting sad over paddington bear right now. i actually have no memory of his movie. i just feel like it would be really sad. anyways i am about to fall asleep so i will leave you with this.

-ac