abyss-talker

[abyss-talker]

Fuck it, I’m going fishing instead.

Be honest with me, in your heart of hearts, have you ever thought of killing yourself? I think about it all of the time, and here's the really weird thing about it; the things that make me think of it are never a big deal. Annoying conversation with my boss? I would rather trust fall off of a building. Cashier asks for my phone number to buy a pack of gummy bears? How about I put a sunroof in the ol' skull instead.

See, I have a complicated relationship with suicide. Friends of mine have tried it, a few succeeded, and a few more saw success without even realizing they were doing it, but we're here to talk about me. I have two loving parents, three great brothers, and two co-workers that I like. Those are my reasons for not doing it, and it is a pretty sad list of things. I wouldn't want to do that to those people, but that is it. I wish I had more reasons not to do it, but I just don't have any. Now, this is all my fault, and I will explain why.

I do not have any friends. None at all, and that is not an exaggeration, because I carefully constructed my own loneliness. After high school I decided to cut everyone out of my life, because what the fuck do I need them for? Well, as it turns out, I need them for a few things. Nobody calls to check up on me, nobody wonders if I am still alive. And worst of all, nobody knows that I got married, and the news of my marriage is sadly going to hit their ears at the same time that the news of my divorce does. Five years, I was happy and everything was perfect until I was told that things are not perfect, and was told that I would be divorcing my best friend. I really, did not see it coming at all, and I think that is a clear indication that there is something wrong with me. I am a mess, I am furtive, and I hate myself, but...

I can fix this. I don't want to be a nobody, I want people to know me. At the risk of sounding egotistical, there is a lot to like about me, but I just don't know it in the moment. I used to hide myself away from other people to save them from being around me. This may come as a shock, but I really hate myself, but I don't need to. Here is my plan, I am going to be a better guy, I am going to be a person that people want around. I am going to go outside, do fun things, meet new people, but to do that, I need to kill myself.

That last paragraph may have ended on a confusing note, let me explain. Have you seen the movie Fight Club? Well, I don't really give a fuck if you have or not, I am going to spoil the shit out of the ending. Remember that scene when Jack shoots himself in the head, and it killed Tyler Durden, the part of his personality that was ruining his life, (or freeing it, I guess depending on how you look at it)? Well, I need to do that to myself, metaphorically. I don't think I need to shoot myself in the head to get it done. I am going to kill part of myself. The part of myself that makes me a miserable pile of shit, the part that in turn makes everyone around me just as miserable, or, god damn it I am going to die of natural causes trying. I don't know why I need to write this down, I think it's because my ideas are very conceptual and rarely ever fleshed out. This kind of thing makes it sort of official. So fuck this, I am going outside.