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You And I

I am glad at least in my life I found someone

Who may not be here forever to see me through

But I found strength in you.

I only pray that I have shown you a brighter day

Because that’s all I’m living for, you see

Don’t worry what happens to me. I have never been one to succeed through negativity. From as early as I can remember, I’ve never been one that can thrive from inner negativity. My father tried very hard to change that because the world is a scary place, driven by hate and fear in the darkest times. He wanted a son that could take a yelling, a reprimand, a punishment and be tough through it.  Instead he got an 8 year old boy who cried because he was so upset he couldn’t ride a bike even though his dad really wanted him to. Eventually, he gave up on that one. But in that abandonment of attitude, that abandonment of expectation, something started to grow. I learned to eventually ride my bike out of what I would later come to know as an emotion called *spite*. At the age of 16, I put myself in a situation that that ended in tears for all parties. I felt pressure to choose between my mom and my dad, and my mom with her husband was portrayed as the most stable path for me to finish growing up on. It ended with split custody for the two years following all because I didn’t know how to say “No” when I knew emotionally helping my mom would only take me packing up a few bags and living in a new room across town. The situation crushed me for weeks. Why couldn’t they just keep me out of the middle? I should not have to bear this weight on my shoulders, I thought. 

Why can’t I just be normal and look out for myself instead of everyone around me?

Just as I was, my father was heartbroken but he prevailed. He understood. Through the heartbreak, I learned to press on. Life doesn’t yield for the wounded. 

A short year later, an argument occurs.

“You can’t just live on your music. You have to have something else. Your grades are what will get you further up in life. You’re going to school where it’s cheap and you’ll focus on school.” The night ended with me in tears, conceding to him.

  The next morning, a flame flickered  behind my eyes. Facing the harsh truth of the real world, I sought to prove everyone around me wrong. Day in and day out for my last two years of high school, I was told I couldn’t and wouldn’t make it, only caring about band. The many voices of doubt drowned out any cries of support for the longest time. Looking for support and reaffirmation began to feel like hiding; hiding from my problems, my insecurities, my own confidence. My spite grew to a roaring, consuming peak.  “I’ll prove them wrong.” For several years following, I operated nearly entirely out of spite. 

I got my own apartment, despite my family’s concerns and declarations of abandonment. My own mother refused to help me with expenses, so I pushed on. I got by with a little help here and there from my dad and a fantastic roommate.

I got a job despite a promise to my mother that I wouldn’t. 

I learned how to succeed on my own as a musician. Living from my passion was all I had ever wanted in life. I finally proved everyone wrong and really “made it” - at least in the smallest sense of the phrase.  I learned to truly love and accept a dear friend thanks to the pressure of choosing between a toxic presence and one that has only ever shown me compassion.  If not for my spite, I’d have actually chosen the former of the two.  I went on a journey of self discovery, of self improvement.  “You’ll never change; people don’t just wake up and decide to change one day.” Although crushing in the moment, I pressed on through spite.  I started taking better care of myself. I pursued light body-building to take advantage of my freshman 15. 

I asked myself if I really know what it means to be truly honest. Not just with others, ,but with myself too. I didn’t, so I set out to slowly become a transparent person (a goal I’m still working toward).  I learned to live without a constant party to look forward to; long term gratification began to become the goal I would press for day in and day out, no matter what struggles face me.  I learned to use moderation. I cut back on the various substances I partook in and have completely cut out several. I learned to think more about my future and how every single moment I spend would affect it. I began to think back to my long talks about my career path with my dad. My father struggled day in and day out to provide for my sister and I growing up. I learned this from a very young age thanks to my older sister.  He worked for hours each night just to keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. He took on even more debt, still reeling from his divorce, to try and keep us unaware of our situation. Many nights when we were away saw our father living on canned soup and ramen noodles to save a few pennies for us. The man lived and breathed for us. (And for fishing.)

Through his character flaws, through everyone who doubted he could ever give us the life we deserved, he prevailed. Even when my sister moved away and stopped contacting her entire family, he did not give up. When he walked into a room only to hear that his son wanted a new living situation, he did not give up. 

After a night of having to purvey the harsh truths of this world around a year later, leaving me in tears, he did not give up. He found strength in us. He lives for the happiness of his children, although it doesn’t always shine through in ideal ways. This man showed me what true, unconditional love is about. Through all of the disappointments, disagreements, and actions and paths chosen to spite what he told us, he kept pushing.  My father found a way to inspire a true sense of compassion for everything around me. Through his actions he taught me never to give up, no matter how bleak the situation looks. His actions taught me that one must do without to provide for and nurture the spirits of those around them. He taught me that doing without pays in the end when you surround yourself with those who truly love you. He showed me the path I do not want to take when I raise a family, for I want them to TRULY never have to worry if we have money for anything more than food and a home. 

He taught me what it means to compromise for the sake of something greater than oneself. I learned that it’s not just about my passions and making myself happy in life, but planning down the line for those who will depend on me so that I may have an easier adulthood than him.  I only hope I can be half the father he was. 

Happy (belated) Father’s Day.

June 19, 2017 For those interested in the lyrics at the beginning of my entry, check out Jacob Collier’s “You And I”, from his debut album In My Room. Grab a good set of cabinet speakers or headphones, crank up the volume, and try to listen in complete silence so you can immerse yourself in Collier’s soundscape. You’ll thank me after a 58 minute emotional roller coaster.

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So much has changed

To those of you reading this, for however long you’ve known me, I’m sorry this has become an outlet for my frustrations, flaws, fears, and insecurities. Know that this will also be how I congratulate myself on the little things I’ve done right, for I am too hard on myself most of the time. If this is too much information about what seems like a total stranger, feel free to unfollow or quit reading right now. I’m sorry to have burdened you with my feelings when I’m sure you’ve got quite a lot on your own plate. If you continue you reading, you’ll see the duality I mention comes with everything in life. This is more about self-promotion and cataloging to learn from my mistakes and successes than it is about “flood-lighting” near strangers with my story. Noah, you’ve grown so much since the last time you were here. You’ve overcome what has definitely been the toughest year of your life in many regards. You’ve experienced every emotion from elation to excruciating heartbreak. You’ve felt smothered, alone, and both at the same time, but you finally learned what it means to really, truly, be in love with a person who is good for you - or at least you hope. Can you really believe you met her on Tinder? What a crazy thought.  You had some problems and you solved quite a few of them. You learned to live a truly fulfilling lifestyle again - this time without needing drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, or a constant need to be surrounded by others. You’ve become a truly mindful person who only seeks to be happy, kind, compassionate, empathetic, understanding, and genuine. You want to help others in the way that others have taught you to help yourself.  Your curiosity in the world of music has been renewed. You’ve gained the ability to listen and learn in an expansive (and ever-growing) range of new ways. Your passion has never been more exciting than it is now. However, duality is present in everything: You’ve come to realize the crushing, unrelenting depression you’ve spent nearly the entirety of your adult life with. 

You’d like to tell yourself it came from a lapse of judgement (or was it a profound curiosity?) when you were barely 18. You deeply hurt a young woman who you’d like to believe really cared about you, but hadn’t grown in a way that you could grow together. It ALL changed after that day. You started to live for you, but she just wasn’t fond of the plans, the excitement. She is not to blame, despite her jabs and explicit statements and actions that seemed to be used as a weapon. You got back together. She left you for your best friend while you were 1,000 miles away for 80 days because “you didn’t tell [her] you slept with Allison while we were broken up.” They really made you think. You try to never go a day without questioning your direction, purpose, and meaning behind every single action in your life. While this has truly been positive for your character, you now live in what feels like crippling fear of consequences for your action or inaction.  Anxiety has become a very real issue. You may have lost your scholarships to school because you just couldn’t bear to face the professors that have put so much faith in you when you made the mistake of screwing up your last jury. You’ve severed ties on rash decisions or things your friends have said. You’ve changed your mind about many of those, but you’re afraid to speak to the people behind those for fear of what they might say. Not everyone approaches situations like that with love and understanding. At one point, neither did you. You have to remember this and learn to face your fears, confront your mistakes, and most importantly you must LEARN from your mistakes. You are a student of life for all of yours. You survived 80 days with no sense of home - no sense of family or a modicum of belonging. You can live, learn, and grow from your current situation. Just take care of the little things every day. Continue to live with your new-found mental handicaps; your ADHD, depression, and anxiety do NOT define you. You lived over 20 years of your life without realizing you had these, so surely you can transcend them.  Continue to surround yourself with wholesome, loving people. Allow them to help guide you on your path to self-actualization. Help guide them on theirs for as along as you can. Continue to work to mend the broken bridges with the people who have really had a positive impact on your life. Without them, you would be much worse off.

Continue to work on your communication skills. Your lack of know-how with explicit self-expression when you were growing up did you no good. Just as every question unasked is unanswered, every feeling unexpressed is a feeling that isn’t felt or understood by the loving, caring people behind you.

Continue to be grateful for every little thing. Despite growing up impoverished and maybe a little ignorant, you’ve been given a truly great chance for success in the grand scheme of it all. 

Continue to love and be loved. Don’t let things change with her unless you absolutely must. Keep trusting the people on this planet until they prove you shouldn’t trust them. Do not let yourself be trampled on anymore, however. 

Continue to work for what makes you truly happy. Do not let anyone tell you differently. The beauty of being human is opportunity: we are the masters of our own destinies.  Writing this, you already feel a lot better. These past few weeks have seen a swell in the once-thought-to-be-forgotten feelings of self-doubt, worry, jealousy, and everything in between. Keep expressing yourself. You were told to be the nicest person that a total stranger has ever met this morning. 

Be mindful, kind, compassionate, empathetic, understanding, caring, and happy. Most of all, happy. Stay on your grind, Noah.

May 5th, 2017

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Someday..

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#GORGEous #red river gorge #:)

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On top of the world :)

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Quentin Tarantino: I'm making another movie

Guy who makes fake blood for a living: *rubs hands together*

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Touch me if you plan to stay within this swallow’s chest, to climb into these bones. Is this your kind of hurt? We are pomegranate Sundays, or rotten wine. I could disappear, honey down this sadness all by hand, but you smell of apples and I have places to be. Don’t you mind? Don’t you mind? Don’t you mind?

pomegranate sundays  C.Y.H.  (via littlenothingsmysomethings)

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Half a year later, and still something's missing. Crazy how one person can change your whole world

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The tension

image | twitter | facebook | patreon

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when your new friend looks REALLY GOOD in your jacket

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This is a Tr8-0r appreciation post. Loyalty, sick spins, and victory in gentlemanly combat shall come to you soon but only if you post “DIE RESISTANCE SCUM” in this thread.

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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW

THIS IS A TRUMPET

THIS IS A TROMBONE

THIS IS A TUBA

AND THIS IS A FRENCH HORN

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

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She is the breeze over the sea. Some nights she storms, and she whips back and forth wildly, tearing ships apart like wooden hearts. Some nights, she has a million stars in her belly like a fire even god xouldnt extinguish. Not that he hasnt tried. I would go to war for her, against even god, if he ever tries to touch her stars or her fire again. And she will fill the sails of my armada. A sure victory, it wouldnt be the first time I killed a god. Iv been doing it since 13, the first time I gave up regards for myself in favor of a girl with a gold crown growing around her face. Iv been doing it since I day I came to understand that sin is inherent, that flaws make the man just as much as strengths. Hell, half my strengths are flawed. And I am so strong when I start to break down. And she is so good when she sees it. North star hand guiding me like winds in a sail, while my wooden heart sprouts new life from the tears. Ragged like my breath or a wound.

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