abigailwriting

[abigailwriting]

Why do we expect so much?

I often expect greatness, creativity, grace and a form of unattainable perfection out of myself, most of us do. For me it's in the videos I post, how I spend those few hours in the morning I have before work or how well I take care of my money, space, relationships and belongings. Being perfect isn't a thing, you knew that.

I want to hone in on my own and probably most people's expectations out of themselves and whatever kind of content is being produced (or not) that I've unknowingly been holding over my own head for however long. I'm not sure if this is gonna be a story time here or if I'm trying to help?? Or preach some of my VERY generalized knowledge I've created over the years, we'll see.

I’ve been putting out videos and putting myself out there since I was about 10 or 11 years old. That's 6 or 7, I really don't know, years of fully embarrassing myself and or inspiring the people who continue to or have watched my videos before, but that's FAR fetched:) I've had to learn a lot and be knocked down a couple times, I'm still learning everyday. I say embarrassing because you see, I thinkthat the videos I post are good, but I FULLY know that there are people out there absolutely CRYING, bawling. Their eyes out at my feet, the way I move or whatever it may be. That underlying knowledge of that random person, teacher or dancer out there, is a thought I had to completely ignore to keep doing what I love to do. The point of me mentioning that is that maybe nobody is thinking that, maybe I'm just my biggest critic, which i'm sure everyone has heard that saying before because it is so! true! Everyone should hear it. I don't think there's been one time where I've been in a class and thought to myself, "Wow they look kinda dumb!" So why would anyone else be looking at me in class?? How selfish of us to believe that everyone cares about what we're doing!

It is a different story however, when you're putting yourself on Instagram, Youtube, etc, to be watched over and over however many times, sent in dms to be laughed at by Sally and her friends. Your pride is something you set aside when you take to social media. Your ability to not be made fun of is taken away, you're a punching bag for people who believe they are superior. They might be though! They very well could be better then you. But the way they take away the value of your work, takes away their ability to be anything less than perfect. The people who do these things that make you feel less than claim they SO PERFECT. Perfect enough that they can send you, your own Instagram story, that you thought was good enough to post and make fun of you, directly to your face actually! But I've learned in situations like that, whether it's a second hand, "I heard it from this person, who heard it from her, that this person said that you are absolutely ass at dancing" or directly to you, you take it, you laugh because you've worked your butt off, (or you just simply thought your video to "Dancing with a Stranger" that took about 5 minutes to make was good). You have understand that your worth is defined by you and your mindset ONLY, not the miserable girl behind a screen who doesn't even know you. Because that is just silly.

I hope everyone gets to a point where they understand that just because not everyone thinks you're good and just because some people don't understand what you do, which I guarantee someone will make fun of you along the way, it's still important. I hope you know that your journey is still valuable, there is no end to progress and you are good. If you love what you're doing, you will exude joy, people will notice. You are good, when you are doing everything for the right reasons. I hope you know that they're having a bad day, they are miserable and they need love. Laugh at them but not to their face because you trust your ability and THEY NEED LOVE.

By putting yourself out there, you gain the skill of being unapologetic and you set yourself apart, by being honest and vulnerable. I did not know this level of maturing was what I was getting myself into when I decided to make my account, dance in my living room and post it at age 10. Nobody expected social media to over take every aspect of our lives in the way it has and we've had to adapt immensely, which is especially hard when you're growing and learning. It is definitely nothing compared to our queen Charli out here but it's the same idea. We are all put on a pedestal by ourselves because of what we see everywhere, to be an Insta model, Autumn Miller (if you post dance videos), take the best pictures, do cool things for a photo or a video, for what? Live your life to the fullest some would say, capture moments and you'll realize how cool your life is without even trying. Do what you love, post what you want and your audience and circle will come to you. You will be amazed when you start being honest and people start messaging you saying how much you helped them or how much they love what you put out by posting something you weren't even too sure about or you thought was out of your comfort zone. Just post it! People respect and find value in reading or seeing things they have also felt, so be brutally and painfully honest. Even if you think you sound dumb. You're your biggest critic, it's not dumb. You've heard this before but our Instagrams and such are all highlight reels, nobody actually looks the way they do or acts the way they portray most of the time. Do not be hard on yourself.

I bow down to people who on the other side, hustle and practice in private, who don't share their work, who can motivate themselves and don't need recognition, who work silently and come out with great, just as rewarding and even better of results. You don't need to post. Some people don't find value in Social media and honestly some days I have a hard time figuring out why I'm so drawn to sharing everything I do. We should all recognize that our paths are all different. We are all experiencing life and the obstacles in millions of different ways and how we choose to move forward everyday in our work and our dreams is just as valuable as the next person. Be empowered by your path, respect the way you hustle, be inspired by others success and be sympathetic in everybody's trial and error. It's important to understand, respect and support the way someone goes about the things that bring them joy and fulfillment.

This leads me into the idea that comparison will always KILL your happiness. It doesn't matter what you do, there will always be someone better than you, in your mind that is (Nobody is better than anyone if you think hard and long about it. Being better than anyone does not exist.) On the other side, there's people who want what you have, whether it be materialistic or talent. Someone is working for what you have. Be thankful and confident in the things you do and understand that no amount of "things" can make you as happy as you think. As perfect as you think Alexis Ren is, she has issues and maybe even more than you. Romanticize everything you do and you'll start to appreciate the little things in your life, like the 15 minute drive to work, the early rise for class, grocery shopping. Make everything glamourous.

Better car, cooler parents, more flexible, whatever. Someone will always have more than you. You WILL find someone who has more no matter how much you accomplish. You need to find comfort in where you are at in every stage. Even the ones such as quarantine, failure, rejection or a break up that leaves you paralyzed in bed. It's alllll apart of the process. You will find goodness eventually, even if that means only going through another set back within a few weeks. Imagine how boring life would be If you were perfect all the time. Soooo boring. Kylie Jenner is bored. You can't compare yourself to people who have had more time, more training, as much as you want to ask yourself why you aren't at the same level as her, or her, it doesn't make sense. You can't compare yourself to Jane who is beside you at a Dance convention who has been training for 12 years, to you, who learned off Dance Moms for 6 years and is only in her second year?? That just sounds silly. I'm still working on that and I've become a lot more comfortable in taking risks and understanding I don't deserve the same opportunities that seasoned beautiful beautiful dancers get. But I still owe myself a shot for the honest work I've done. I learned recently put aside my insecurities, I've gone In red faced and embarrassed but leaving proud and fulfilled because I truly love dancing, more then most things. (This whole thing was supposed to be about dance?)

If I continued to discredit my work (basement dance videos) and the time I give, I'd continue to feel like a failure. I'm not a failure, I work hard, I put myself out there, my story is just different from most. No two are the same. As your Kindergarten teacher probably told you. We are all perfect. We all need to find our level of expertise and run with it and be sooo incredibly proud. Even if you can't do a triple turn, you are no less valuable then the girl that can. It sounds ridiculous when you someone says it out loud right?

"You can always start again. Clean out your social media. Create a new account for your new taste in music. Study or work in a new city. Start socialising with new people. Choose a new signature scent and style and purge the outdated parts of yourself. If you don't like where you're at, but don't know what to do about it - try starting again."

"Trust your hard work, it's unlocking doors you can't see yet"

Now this, just might be my favourite thing I've ever read. I read this before I started writing this about two weeks ago and I knew I wanted to leave you with it. I wish I was more like this.

"Deep down you know exactly what you're capable of. There's even moments where you get a glimpse of all the potential you have. You can get there. You just have to be willing to sacrifice the habits, things and situations that are standing in the way of your success."

[abigailwriting]

Dance and skating are something I have always talked about and shared on Instagram and such. ( This is a long post, please read to the end ) I beg.

I still haven’t talked about coaching Canskate, I started back in September 2019 with my old club, but not really old i guess, since I'm working there now. Hopefully when I get back with the kids I can start to share more about that. I really love it and it’s been something I’ve been wanting to do since I was pretty young! I am proud that I pulled the trigger on it and that my dad gave me the little extra push I needed to start. I am learning new things every time I’m with the kids, its only a plus that they are actually so adorable and make my job so fun. Anyways, through Skate Canada, my past coaches; who are now people I get to work with, and all the extensive online and class work it takes to actually be able to coach, I am learning so much and I am starting to finally feel independent and capable of a lot of things I wasn't sure of before. In the kids lives, as small as being their CanSkate coach is, and only being with them once a week, it is a beginning and everything really does start with the basics.

That being said, I do feel that I am getting older, I can start to be more than the 10 year old making dance videos in the rink dressing room, (please swipe and watch the video I added, a real star she was.) But, I am trying to broaden my horizons by sharing things that I've been doing from day to day that I actually enjoy a lot. Starting to be more diverse with what I share will help me figure out what I like the most, maybe steer me in the direction of what I might enjoy doing after I'm done being a kid and trying to pass chemistry. Especially online chemistry? Its got to be a joke! Time is realllllyyyy flying. I thought a good starting point would be to share a little bit (as in a 10 paragraph novel and then some) about my adventure with CrossFit online coaching that I did from April 2018 until July 2019.

While I was going through the whole thing, I never really shared much about it because there seems to be a big stigma about working out within young people, people seem to think you're a try hard or whatever, you know what I mean, but I really believe it played a huge role in building my work ethic, teaching me how to manage my time (after the fact), showing me what my body was actually capable of, reminding me that I am not weak, teaching me more about strength training in a more serious grown up environment, as well as some not so positive things, I do think I came out with more good then bad. Near the end I was in my head about the whole thing, it started to control my every move and consumed id say honestly 90% of my thoughts.

At the time I was balancing school, I know grade 10 isn't bad but hear me out, trying to get on the ice once or twice a week, dance 4 days a week, 3 days a week part time job, physically going to Vo2 to train with my coach once a week and then trying to get into the Eastlink to do 3-4 workouts in the week a lot for a 15 year old with no license, i'm not sure how I managed honestly. (Sorry grandpa)

Sometimes it looked like rushing to the gym right after school before my mom picked me up after work to take me to dance, running home in the dark back alleys of Mission Heights in the middle of winter at 10pm, sometimes during my one hour lunch break on school days, going to hotel gyms after dance competitions, etc etc. I cant believe I thought I needed to workout after dance or before. Coming out of being a full time competitive figure skater to dancing, the body you develop through being a dancer and being a figure skater is so different. i wanted to keep my skater body. I was livid that it took so much work.

By the end I was going just to simply get a workout done and to check off the box on my app, and of course, at 15, my goal was to be skinny? Now looking back, working out and being “healthy” shouldn't consume your whole life, all that I was involved in was more than enough, but being able to tell myself that I was a hustler and was always working non stop mad me happy, when instead I should have been spending my time with my friends, focusing on dance and taking in all the fun things that being a kid has to offer, especially thinking about that now, I miss that.

I felt like I was on top of the world and so mature, I liked going to the gym when I was able to physically see the numbers of improvement, whether that was amount of weight or amount of reps, there had to be a bigger number or I was upset and in my head about it. I learned now that although the numbers aren't greater does not mean you are not making a difference, people make progress with no weight, so the fact that I was even in the gym should have been enough for me, but I didn't have much guidance in the mental part of this.

I was improving a lot and people were telling me that, my coach, my parents, not really my friends cause nobody really cares that much, they probably found it quite annoying actually!! Older figures in my life were praising me, for being consistent and spending my time in the gym. That praise was just enough push to get me into the gym when all I wanted to do was be with my friends. I remember one instance I chose to skip a session with my coach to go spend the afternoon at the river with my friends and I didn't live it down, with myself, even though that afternoon was something ill always remember, I remember having to skip a workout just as much, which now, doesn't matter at all, but the fun I had does. That is where I know my mindset was all wrong.

All through my figure skating life, I was kind of always the weakest link in the whole group when it came to strength, I was soft, I was a pretty skater, nobody thought I was strong, which obviously it didn't matter as skating is a solo sport. For real though, it was tough on my little girl self, mentally, I'm fragile ok! We know. Although I was good on the ice, when it came to off ice classes and on ice fitness classes, you could catch me crying!!! Literally shedding tears as we did those cross cuts for 3 songs straight! The figure 8s! Holy man. Thinking about it kind of makes me laugh but deep down, I feel bad for her. I was always the slowest, weakest and everyone knew so it was kind of an ongoing joke, thinking about it now, I wasn't reaching my fullest potential because I was constantly being reminded that I was a weak link. When I started training alone with the same coach, we were working on similar things we did in the group training at the rink, but the difference was heavy weights and I was alone. She was showing me all the things I actually could accomplish and so much more, and I was doing so good, without all the outside noise, I got pretty addicted to it.

I went from crying on the tail end of the line, to single leg squatting a hundred pounds alone in the gym, I was shocked! No, that wasn't a flex, have you seen some of these weight lifters??? They could double, probably triple that. I was never THAT cool, but for the girl I was months before, it was cool.

The first couple months were fun, learning and getting through things I never thought I would be able to do. I'll never forget doing the assault bike for 10 minutes trying yo hold at 60 rpm, very specific, I almost puked, so its very memorable for me. Exercise has never pushed me so hard to the point of throwing up, nothing has for that matter, not even a double long program.

After so long my eating habits got involved, I wasn't seeing the physical results i wanted, which wasnt even involved in any of the goals me and her worked through, the way I looked was never something we talked about. What athletic little girl needs to worry about that??? none!! It makes total sense. I really was looking for something I wasnt even working for. Although I was getting really strong and was on the right track to the goals Lisa and I had in mind for me, but I didn't have a six pack, as a result, I was a little bitter. Weird. Our goals were always oriented around the activity I was doing, so in skating we wanted to work on my vertical and working on the power in my legs so that meant a lottt of box jumps!! So rude. For dance we worked on my endurance a lot, I was getting really good at all of those things, but I wasn't “skinny” so I thought all the work I was doing was getting me nowhere, but in reality anyone who looked at me knew I was strong, I was gaining a ton of muscle, therefor gaining weight, which I knew was muscle weight in the back of my mind, but it was still just weight to me. Gaining weight?? Absolutely not. I didn't look "fat" I looked like an athlete, but not Kendall Jenner slim, so athletic wasn't good enough.

I started watching my food like crazy. if I ate something remotely bad, for example, a Pizza Pop on a friday night, you best believe I was thinking about it for the next week!!! I can vividly remember waking up in my bed and the very first thought crossing my mind was the extra skin I had on my sides, so specific and so not important but so clearly, every morning, my brain said "remember that pizza pop, it ruined all progress made up until this point" so rude. Those words haunted me through my days until the next thing came up. I'd look in the mirror to get ready for school in the morning and all I saw was, no progress. I was so blind! I was so strong. Fitness isn't always about progress, sometimes its as simple as a 10 minute ab circuit on my bedroom floor to make you feel better and to take your mind off the mess of your life, that's something I am proud of these days and it is so peaceful.

There was also a season where I would binge. I was so restrictive on what I could and couldn't have. My life wasn't very stable, constantly switching houses, couldn't get myself anywhere. Therefor, I wasn't able to get the foods I told myself I could have during some weeks, which I don't condone being strict on food anymore. Balance is everything. I would starve, all through the school day, only having an apple or two to hold me over and then I told myself I'd figure it out when I got home. When I got home obviously no groceries magically appeared while I was gone. I have a weird thing about talking about food, I really don't know why, food is supposed to be simple, we make it complicated. Anyways, I would find every goldfish cracker, every Oreo and every Mr. Noodles pack I could find and then you know. There I was back in my bed the next morning, beating myself up, miserable and then walking myself to the gym to get a workout in. No amount of muscle or work was enough for me to be happy with where I was at.

I hated it at this point, but I just told myself to keep going and one day it'll all work itself out, it was a bad cycle. I didn't want to let anyone down, not my coach, not myself, although figuring out my issues would have been a huge service to myself, not the older people in my life giving me the praise I was talking about. I had too much pride to put my mental health before I ever stopped being the superhero who could do skater squats all while holding weights!! Which isn't even that cool Abby. Nobody is gonna remember that you could do that, they're gonna remember how kind you are, how thoughtful and funny you are, they literally. do not. care. that you workout. That took a lot to get through my thick skull might I add. I thought that because I was strong I held extra value. I didn't and you don't either. Just because you workout and you do all the unwritten rules like, drinking you water, eating avocado toast, eating fruit for every snack of the day, does not automatically mean you are healthy, you can be so mentally unwell and still do all of those things. I wrote something while I was going through all of this that could probably explain better how I was feeling at the time.

August 13, 2019 - "I feel like I lost myself, I keep thinking going to the gym, listening to self help podcasts and drinking my water is gonna fix my lack of self. I used to be gentle, creative and constantly growing. I have everything I could possibly need right now but I need more from myself. I know I can do more. I have all the time I need, I am at a loss on how to use it. Things keep falling apart and I just stop living but I have a big future and I need to build it for myself. I have every power, I have every resource. timing and using them is an issue. I feel disconnected and no longer fulfilled within myself. I need real life connections, kindness and big experiences. I have no energy left for myself. I'm worrying about big things that I didn't know id have to be thinking about so soon and thinking about old news. Old things keep happening and I cant handle it. I also never thought id see a day that I don't sweat the small stuff. I am concerned about my future and what kind of value each connection and experience is bringing me and my dreams. I need more and I will build it for myself."

She was sad!! That is more dramatic then I remember but, oh well. That's on being a drama queen. Maybe that has nothing to do with what I was talking about but, I hope that helped you understand where I was at, just going to the gym wasn't enough and for me, I don't think it will ever be.

End of the story, which I don't know if it was a good one or not but I needed to have something to look back at this season so here it is. In September I stopped working out as much. April 2020 now, my butt is gone, I'll put photos here, a little sad about that! People keep telling me I lost a whole bunch of weight, my legs are skinnier then before, I'm not as strong, cant rely on those skater squats anymore but I can do 10 push ups so that will hold me over. But I really don't care, I workout when I want. A walk, a run, a stretch, a dance class is enough for me, as long as I'm moving, I'm happy. I have no expectations.

Now to stop being so depressing, right now, I'm kind of thriving, I love all the extra stuff, I love the curves (idk maybe I'm just average but who cares), you know! Is that what the kids are calling it these days? I don't know, that might have sounded dumb but I also don't care! imagine that. Not caring. You look cute, however you look, if you workout 5x a week, if you like sitting on the couch watching Nashville, if you love sour watermelons (me), if you take slow walks around the block once a week, you look perfect however you were made, that sounds cliché but its true. Someone loves you. always. Nobody cares more then you, nobody notices the things you do. Remember that.

Life is too short to hold back, to not write the things you want to write, to not post the risky picture you thought wasn't really your style, to not tell someone you love them, to not walk in the sunshine, to not keep promises to yourself, to not wear hoop earrings, to not read books, all the annoying things that sound actually so dumb!! Can bring you the greatest joy.

We have access to all the greatest things in the whole world, even through a global pandemic. it will pass. Although I am able to find a routine and I am still able to work and go about my life somewhat normally, I miss my friends, I miss dance, I miss school and my dance teachers. its heavy. I know there are people who are still struggling, who are literally taking it hour by hour, trying to get through the day. Who have been robbed of the coolest milestone year of their life that they have been looking forward to for a long time. I get it, I really do. I've had my struggle days where I can't get out of bed too.

Another thing I've wanted to say, posting my workouts is a great form of motivation for me as well as some form of loose progress tracking, although I did just fully explain how tracking progress can be a bully, I am contradicting myself but putting things online is cool for me. I like to use it to my advantage as we all know.

I hope you know I get sad sometimes too and the way people look online isn't how it always is. I hope you find peace, I hope you facetime your friends and ask them how they've been, that you hug your mom, your boyfriend and your girlfriend (obviously only if its safe) and your dog (most importantly) , anyone you can. Life is so unpredictable. I hope you are okay and that sometimes you feel the way I do when I get sour watermelons or when I drive on empty streets screaming "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion in my 2010 Blue Dodge Nitro. it's all gonna work out. Life is unfolding as it is supposed to.