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Don’t be the reason someone feels insecure. Be the reason someone feels seen, heard, and supported.

Cleo Wade (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

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I know this transformation is painful but you’re not falling apart; you’re just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful.

William C. Hannan (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

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my aunt: “why cant he cook for himself/ do things for himself/ it’s just one night why does it matter”

my mom: “you dont understand, he needs company and we cant neglect”

my aunt: “i understand, i understand it’s just.....”

me: you obviously dont understand if you had the audacity to use that tone and demean what we do for him and youre clearly not listening to our attempt at explaining the complexity of our family dynamic and youre assuming you know when youre not even actually listening to what we have to say

but i’m just a kid what do i have to say about this right?

imagine how nice it would be for people to just sit and listen, instead of having soemone attempt to explain, realize theyre not being listened to, and have a sigh of breath realizing theres no hope in explaining

/familythings

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adulthood pt.1

woww car insurance is a very very complicated thing

ive never had to learn so many terms before

but ayyyyy biggest rule: dont be lazy and just find quotes online because momma gave me hussle skills so you gotta use them in person

it’s crazy how much my mom is able to bargain like wtheck

BUT THEN INTERNET

omg i wish i had a comp sci bf that can research computer and internet things for me because that is a foreign language and reddit is a foreign world that i cannot understand, lawdd pls have a smooth installation next week and make sure i have all the materials bc i dont like talking computer internet things to strangers

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got my first interview coming up

im scared not ready 

but its okay ready to get these processes rolllinn

need at least 5+ rejections before an acceptance right?

lol

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once you stop fantasizing about that ideal version of yourself and start working towards becoming that person by setting your alarm clock earlier and actually going to the gym and actually volunteering at places and actually eating healthier and not procrastinating and working just a little bit harder you’ll realize that it was so easy all along. becoming your ideal self will only ever exist in your mind until you make the decision to work towards becoming that person. get up!! get going!! it’s now or never!! there is no light at the end of the tunnel!! get that flashlight and pave your own path bitch bc no one else is going to do it for u!!

[abcmerpaderp]

Things to Stop Saying to Yourself

1. “I’m no good at …”

Say instead “It’s just a skill, and something I can learn.”

2. “I’m such a failure …”

Say instead “I got it wrong, and everybody makes mistakes.”

3. “There’s no point in trying …”

Say instead “It maybe hard, but step by step will get me there in time.”

4. “Everybody hates me; I’ve got no friends …”

Say instead “It doesn’t really matter what these people think about me. There are others who will recognize my value and true worth.”

5. “I hate myself. I deserve to be rejected …”

Say instead “I am beautiful inside, and have value and worth. I deserve to be cherished and be treated well.”

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Your journey will be much lighter and easier if you don’t carry your past with you.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

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You must love yourself first, then you create a ripple of love that will touch everyone’s lives. You have the power within you. Make a start and heal yourself first.

Leon Brown (via deeplifequotes)

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I got no excuses For all of these goodbyes Call me when it's over 'Cause I'm dying inside Wake me when the shakes are gone And the cold sweats disappear Call me when it's over And myself has reappeared I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why I do it every, every, every time It's only when I'm lonely Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight I try and I try and I try and I try and I try Just hold me, I'm lonely

// it’s all good Demi, i feeels you, you got this

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(by zmelhus)

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letting it all out

because i had an outburst where i let out everything bottled up in a negative way but because these aren’t things you can casually bring up in a conversation, and because there’s just so much expectations from me

im in a chronic state of stress when i’m home and i know i’m responsible and so alot of people trust me with alot of responsibilities, but there’s only so much strength that i have in me to hold it down for everyone around me. 

my uncle just talked to me telling me that my little cousin is being bullied and attempted suicide -- and as distant as we and our relatives have been, i didnt go to school to study what i studied, only to be passive about this. i have to be there for my uncle and for my cousin -- but theres a certain limit i can extend my help. my uncle expects so much from me but as hard as it is, i have to clarify that im nowhere close to being a certified professional, and that i can support them in therapy and do as the therapists recommends, but i myself cannot be a substitute for their therapist. and also family. treating your own family is the most painful thing in the world -- you have to separate emotional biases from your work. and me being the sensitive ass person that i am, im already making things personal just from talking with my uncle and hearing the situation out. this is my family. this is society. this is the system. there’s so many things messed up. there’s just so much going through my mind and my heart after fining out about this situation.

my brother. i am doing my utmost best to be there for him, to make up for all the times i couldnt be there for him these past four years, for what he had to sacrifice and endure on his own. but i also need cooperation from him. i want to support him but he also needs to have faith in himself. im not giving up, but it’s emotionally draining trying to do my best to support him. going back to the family thing, when it’s your family youre working with, things become more emotionally weighted and it becomes personal. and my tiny tiny sensitive heart is not strong enough but everyday i have to tell myself that i need to carry the strength for the both of us -- but it’s not easy and smoothsailing as it sounds. 

home, being home does not help my anxiety any bit. there are nights where i dont get any sleep at all, where i stay up watching the cameras and only sleep when i see the sunrise. but even with that, i wake up when my parents or brother wakes up so that i can talk with them, eat breakfast with them, to assure them that they have my utmost attention. and when you think that i stay up, i would at least be productive. but no, when youre anxious, youre mind is dominated by the topic making you nervous, and so i cannot focus on absolutely anything else when i lay awake being worried or scared. 

bills bills bills. im responsible for the entire house’s bills, we’re in the process of changing our entire internet and me having no knowledge on internet things and modems, i have to figure out the plan, the contracts, finding the modem, scheduling the installations, resetting everything for my parents. i know i am capable of doing this, but again, my emotional load and stress can only reach a certain level before it gets unhealthy. im balancing trying to find car insurance that i can afford myself, getting new internet, finding a psychologist/psychiatrist and dermatologist that accepts medical, trying to find a job to pay off my loans and insurance and car and my grad school apps. 

friends. i know i am a bad communicator, i dont respond to texts til like 2 days later and im known as the “flake”. and it’s so hard because while i need time for my friends for my own mental health’s sake because i need a breather from the strength that im putting out for my family, i also have to have them understand (without me telling them because weakness #2: i never ever talk about my feelings or whats going on) that my family comes first always. i prioritize my time around my family, and i have a set schedule for most of my days. when my brother’s off, i spend it with him unless he has plans with his friends, which he tells me last minute, then i have to last minutely make plans with people hoping people are free. but also, my family also make last minute plans and randomly take days off, without telling me ahead of time, in hopes of doing something with me, or they plan a lunch or dinner, without telling me ahead of time, and expects me to be there, or if my brother had plans but got cancelled, i prioritize making sure he has plans with me if need be. and because no one understands the amount of pain i go through when i have to tell my famly no, i cant becase x,y,z, i always have to prioritize family first. and this results in me being a flake but i dont feel comfortable with talking about my reasoning because no one understands the complexity of my family and my relationship with them. people always ask me “why cant you have your brothers take care of the bills, etc” -- you dont understand, no one understands. my brothers cant take care of it for reasons that i dont feel comfortable explaining to someone who probably wont know how to respond after they hear the real reason, or they’ll be insensitive about it. so yes, im a flake, and yes i can only hang out on certain days, for certain hours, but i cant change that. and i cant expect others to understand if i dont explain to them but i also dont feel comfortable explaining it to it because i dont need other people’s judgments. and then this results in me feeling sad and bad and left out and in the few times i do get to spend with my friends, id rather now down the mood and so i end up keeping everything bottled up. 

relationships. having to comfort my mom about my singleness and assuring her that im fine, when her doubt is starting to become my own as well. but its okay, i deserve great things and great people and itll come when i least expect it. i can tell myself this but i just gotta believe it. 

postgrad plans. given everything i listed above, how do you think i am doing on 1) my summer class, 2) gre studying 3) job/internship hunting 4) skill building 5) pesonal statement writing ??? absolutely terribly. yep you read it, i have no time whatsoever to do these things -- and this is my biggest fear and the biggest reason that i didnt want to come back. its nearly impossible for me to lock myself in my room and study while my brother or my mom is sitting alone downstairs not talking to anyone. absolutely not possible. back in la, my roommates understood that i was the type to lock myself up and study and not talk and they respected it bc they understood how much i needed to study. but there, i dont have the heart to lock myself up because i need to make sure my family is doing ok every minute i am with them. oh also remember that i dont get any sleep on some nights, so no sleep means no memory consolidation means no learning. 

i am trying realllllll hard, but it’s only day 3 that im back that i had my first emotional outburst. people always tell me “you have to let things out so you dont explode” but can you rethink that advice in a culturally sensitive manner? im the rock for my family, and i have to fake my strength when im with them, so no im not gonna let things out with my family. my friends are from the same community as me and who knows who talks to who, so do you expect me to explain the health conditions in m family to the world? no, thats personal things and culturally, we keep that within our family. third, people see me as the happy person, and as people from ucla would say, im the “sunflower that brings light and happiness into everyoone’s days” and hearing that being your main descritiona dn the main way that people perceive you, how do you expect me to just open up about the sad things that im bottling up to others, when others expect me to be the positive one, the one to make people happy and bring the energy up? so no, not letting it out. 

but it’s okay because im trying, im trying. im trying to have a regular sleep schedule and i wake up at 6:30 am for the past few days despite the amt of sleep i’ve had. i’ve been making healthy juices and snacks for myself and family. ive been doing self-love book readings before i go to bed, ive stopped trying to watch every single person’s snapchat story. i have a schedule and a post grad planner to make sure im on track with my postgrad plans. 

it’s okay, im ok, life’s okay. small steps small steps.

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about 1 year

i translated my facebook graduation post to my mom and dad 

and told them what i wrote about my grandpa

and i couldnt even translate it sentence by sentence because i started choking up and crying

it’s been about 1 year and i still regret not being able to connect with you and share with you all of my successes that youve played a role in

thank you, grandpa 

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as women we have to make sure we have our own. our own finances, our own passion, our own drive, our own job, our own life, our own self esteem, our own spirituality, our own confidence, our own peace. when you have nothing of your own, a man can walk up with a little and it feels like a lot. but when you have your own, a little bit doesn’t impress you.

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Standing alone is better than standing with people who hurt you.

Lessons Learned in Life (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

and this is something i have to be comfortable with