abcd-adventures

[abcd-adventures]

One of my clients randomly sends me cheesy jokes--my favorite so far being:

Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?

A: He was outstanding in his field! 😂😂😂

Today felt like such a complete whirlwind, and I felt like I was juggling SO MANY THINGS. Then, I randomly get a stupid joke and the message, "I don't know why you love these terrible jokes so much, but I hope it made you laugh because I wanted to do something for you since you always help me." 😭

I love my people so freakin much.

[abcd-adventures]

My favorite wildflower from last night's walk!

I had to look back and see what the last thing was that I posted. It was good for a laugh--definitely was a tad dramatic, but tiredness does that to a person. Positive update is that husband and I had a very good chat after both of us were done being overly tired and overly dramatic and we're doing our best to take care of ourselves and each other despite the craziness of life. I have been making the time for yoga every morning and evening (with occasional deviations because...life...). I've been doing a guided meditation before bed each night, and we've been working through the Blue Zones cook book for dinners which has been fun.

I'm currently having a very hard time at work trying to deal with how understaffed we are and how absolutely shitty it is to not be able to see all of the people I would like to see. I have to figure out how to make peace with it because recently I've been up at 3am unable to go back to sleep many nights because of stress. Not sustainable. Obviously, intellectually, I know that I do not have even a second more in my schedule to give, and I cannot shortchange or poorly serve the clients I have, but it is really difficult to tell someone who is struggling that you don't have space to work with them. It is not a good feeling.

[abcd-adventures]

My body decided a couple weeks ago that it is no longer willing to accept coffee. So, that's a thing. I guess I'm a person who drinks green tea in the morning now. WTF? Total bullshit, body, and not what I need right now!

I am currently hiding in my room...like the adult, therapist person that I am. I tried bringing up to my husband how absolutely exhausted I am and how I need more than an hour to go get a pedicure, but like a full day ALONE...something I haven't had in five years. I tried to explain that with B waking up at the crack of dawn now, I no longer get my morning alone time and I'm just not a person who can function with no alone time (and now apparently no coffee either)--especially not when I do the type of work that I do and have the full house of family that I have. He made it about me being unhappy and it making him anxious about our marriage and how when he was away for work all he wanted was to be back home and blah, blah, blah...and I know that my husband's perspective taking ability is sorely lacking and and he needs to be coached. I've always known that, but I'm too fucking tired to do that coaching right now. So, I told him to forget it because I don't have the energy to defend my commitment to/appreciation for our marriage, and now I'm hiding in my room where I did yoga and am now venting before I have to go down and make dinner and smooth things over and find a way not to be so fucking tired. If I can ever find a break in my work schedule, I'm just going to take a day off and not fucking tell anyone and go hide out somewhere and just read all day.

Also, here is where I say that I love my husband, family, and job. I am one of the most privileged people out there. I wouldn't trade any of the things I have. But, I'm still really fucking tired sometimes because being a human who cares about other humans can get exhausting.

[abcd-adventures]

I always love spring wildflowers, and they have been especially gorgeous this spring!

Life has been a lot lately. It's exhausting to always feel like every second of your day is accounted for and still you're never quite on top of all the things you have to do. I am so, so tired.

But, the best news is that B somehow was selected for admission into our one quality charter school in town (which also happens to be about five minutes from our house), so he's going to start Kindergarten there in July--because they also have a different schedule than public and private schools around here and follow more of the year-round school model. Admittance is through a lottery system and I honestly cannot believe we got picked, but that does make life A LOT easier/better! Very excited about having time off in different seasons instead of one long marathon summer.

[abcd-adventures]

I am letting myself have a good cry this morning. It's needed. I feel so, so, so incredibly lucky to do the work that I do every day and to have the people I have in my life. But, when you love people so much, it's all the harder to see them in pain or struggling...and harder still to give them the space and autonomy to make their own choices in their own time and to feel and take their time to experience the hard and uncomfortable feelings...because selfishly I want people to feel better so I feel better, even if I know that's not how it works. Lol Hence, the good cry. :)

One of my new clients is my age and struggling with a plethora of diagnoses that have baffled medical professionals, and he's basically been told that he's a ticking time bomb. HE'S SO FUCKING GRACEFUL ABOUT ALL OF IT, and he's this amazing part of our community and has come in and is doing so much to help all of these other people and he is an incredible artist. I love talking with him and am in awe of how reflective and deeply kind he is. I know that he needs a place to not be ok, and by God I will make sure I provide that, but it means I have to find time to not be ok so I can keep my shit together during our sessions because even after a short time working with him, I know I am going to be CRUSHED when I lose him.

#work things

[abcd-adventures]

Good Morning! It's been too long...

It was such a lovely weekend! The husband and I had a really good talk this weekend about some things we've really needed to talk about. He's been having a ton of anxiety which he's been attaching to crazy, small, and meaningless things like, "We have too many streaming subscriptions and we must decide which ones to cancel." Generally things in that vein. I'm like, "I do not care at all. Cancel whatever you want. It's not about this. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU!?" Lol Turns out, he's feeling the need to make a work change and is terrified of examining that. We talked it through and have a plan now, and I swear you could physically see the anxiety dissipate. It's still scary to explore big career changes, but I think he feels confident that I support him and that we will be fine even if he takes a fairly significant pay cut. In his family, money is the ultimate sign of success, but that has never been the case for me, and I've been telling him for YEARS as he continues to advance (and thus continues to do less and less of the actual type of work he enjoys) that it's not necessary for our family's security that he do that. Now, he's facing a really huge promotion and a position that--to me--sounds fucking awful, so hell yeah I support him looking for something else. Money's cool. Happiness is better.

Work is going well. I have several clients doing some AMAZING things and I'm so freakin proud of them. Look at these little cards I got for my notes to them! Love them so much!

Hope ya'll are well! Miss this space! Hoping to catch up a bit soon! <3

#I'm alive! #Life things

[abcd-adventures]

Started using a natural shampoo a few months ago, and I swear my hair is blonder than it has been in years...especially for this being winter. It's weird, but I'm a fan! I'm curious how blonde it will look in summer.

Things I'm not the biggest fan of...this phone camera has this portrait feature that is cool, but it's also a better camera in general and it really picks up every wrinkle and imperfection. Lol I don't like filters, and I've tried to make myself comfortable with aging, but still. Lol

[abcd-adventures]

Flowers B and I enjoyed on our walk today!

How is it mid-February, guys?! How? Where have the past couple of weeks gone? I am at a loss. We've been having some lovely weather, though, and I have been enjoying the hell out of it. One of my clients asked if he could come talk to me yesterday, and I was like, "Only if you're willing to take a walk with me because I HAVE to go outside." He was all meh about it initially, but then after the required four laps around the building, he decided we should keep going. Texas SUCKS in so, so, SO may ways. But, this February's weather is making up for a lot.

I'm too tired to write anything of substance, but I miss ya'll!

[abcd-adventures]

One of my clients got me this little sign. He said it made him think of me when he saw it--particularly my "Wow, you are so full of shit right now" face. 😂😂😂😂

I am actually very much aware of what my face does when people talk to me and use it quite strategically, but I still love the gift. He said he started laughing the minute he saw it. Humor and facial expressions are a very big part of my counseling style. Fortunately, he knows that so he wasn't offended when I told him that I absolutely love the gift but will be keeping it on my desk at home to avoid sending any message to my clients that could be taken poorly.

I remember there was this whole "thing" many years ago when I was in undergrad about the importance of keeping a neutral expression as a therapist. 😂 I can't even imagine. I mean, I'm mindful of my reactions, and I have a neutral-ish listening face, but I could never be the type of therapist who just sits there and speaks and looks very unemotional. (We have one of those at work, and he drives me nuts. Lol) 🤷🏼‍♀️ And, I'm more often than not going to challenge you if I think you're lying to me or yourself... in the most loving way possible, of course!

[abcd-adventures]

Every morning, I sneak downstairs like a freakin' NINJA, in the dark, to get my coffee and sneak back upstairs. I use my phone flashlight to make the coffee downstairs. I know and avoid every creaky floorboard. You've never known anyone so stealthy...I swear B just senses that I'm awake.

I CRAVE silence and four-year-olds are just biologically programmed to be incapable of silence. He has not slept past 5:15 a single day in two weeks. I am already exhausted. I can't get up any earlier than 5am or I won't be a functional human, but I also can't continue this track of zero time alone.

Yesterday was the last day of the month and I still had SO MANY notes to enter before the EOM cut-off and the husband just immediately went out to the garage after dinner and started doing one of his woodworking projects so I got to do bedtime which was not on the agenda...and...just...fuck. Our online chart system is SO SHITTY and takes so long to save each entry that I was working until 10pm.

I am grumpy.

[abcd-adventures]

I think that it was @hopefulmisanthrope who posted something a few days ago about big problems being difficult to solve and how it's damaging to say, "Well if X would just happen then we wouldn't have problem Y anymore." It was a good post. Big problems are big problems for a reason. Austin, for a while now, has been trying to address the issue of homelessness--maybe primarily because rich people in our city are very opposed to tents being visible in public spaces...but whatever the reason, there at least has been increased funding for the past few years for housing projects. But, because for some reason we just really want one single X to solve the Y problem, the city is like, "We should spend less money on services for people who are homeless/have recently experienced homelessness and just build more temporary housing/shelters and some affordable housing! Problem solved! People will not technically be on the street. Then, obviously, their lives will immediately be better again and we won't have those pesky tents ruining our city's image!" Who needs healthcare/mental healthcare, education, career support, advocacy, etc. when you technically have a roof over your head--usually temporarily!? That will solve everything! There are 140 residents in my supportive housing building. There are four of us on the services team--two of us are part-time, and my building has the largest services team out of 8. Most buildings have two people for ~100 residents. And, if the city cuts some of our services grant funding, that may be an even more pitiful picture.

This post is already so long...and I feel like it hasn't even started...and what is the point? Me shouting into the void? Everyone knows systemic racism sucks, income inequality sucks, mental health stigma is a huge barrier, a criminal record might as well be a death knell for one's career aspirations--especially if you're Black or brown, our healthcare system sucks--especially if you live below the poverty line, and all of those issues then foster isolation and loneliness which exacerbates health and mental health challenges...but yes, let's reduce the support for services and build more temporary housing because magic bullets are a thing, right?

What I love about my job is that I get to work with my clients where they live, and I get to work with them to address ALL of those things and get to do it long-term. And, it WORKS. But, yes, it's intense and time-consuming, and often not cheap...but when I found this job I was SO EXCITED because THIS is what social work is to me, but it's not what it usually gets to be in the "real world," and if our city has anything to say about it, it's going to be less of a thing very soon.

[abcd-adventures]

@irregulartalk This was even pre-chopping of the onions/limes/cilantro, etc. and before all the chili splatter all over the stove.

#my kitchen desperately needs an upgrade but I hate strangers in my house so it will probably never happen #The kitchen was clean before he started

[abcd-adventures]

Yesterday, the husband's chili making ended up taking until MIDNIGHT and my kitchen is a complete disaster this morning. There is just something that I uniquely hate about coming downstairs to get my coffee at 5am and seeing a messy kitchen. I like to start the day with at least some semblance of order and a clean kitchen is a part of that. I totally get that I wouldn't want to clean up either if it was midnight...I'm mostly grumpy because I had to do bedtime and entertain B all afternoon and evening because the husband is a singular-focus kind of person. B is also back to waking up at 5:30 and has been in here no less than five times in 20 minutes and I'm not loving that. *blah, blah, whine, whine*

I need to figure out a way to incorporate yoga back into my life daily. I miss it...and my mind and body miss it, too. Also, I feel this added layer of guilt--like somehow because I am a yoga instructor I shouldn't ever be in a place where I "don't have/make time for yoga." Obviously, that is not how life works...but annoyingly, it is how my brain works.

Today is supposed to be 70 degrees, though! And, I teach my exercise class at work on Mondays, so today's class will either be a walk or yoga outside--depending on who shows up. Maybe some clients will even want to do walking sessions. Days like this really make me miss my one client who ALWAYS did walking sessions with me no matter the weather. It was so nice to reliably count on being able to get outside during the day whenever she was on my schedule.

[abcd-adventures]

Since my child has informed me he needs "five more minutes" before he is ready to go downstairs for breakfast, I will post one of my favorite stories from my client I posted about re: the cemetery debacle. This is mostly for me since I really should have documented it at the time because I never want to forget it.

This was several months ago. We had just had a particularly difficult session and I was coming back to my office from getting some water and he was waiting for me. I let him in and he handed me this artwork and said that he wanted me to have it. He said that it had taken him a very long time to finish it and it had pissed him off a bunch of times and he'd tried to walk away from it and had almost given up on it many times but that he was glad that he didn't and that he was pretty proud of it and was glad he stuck with it "kind of like this" (meaning working with me). Then, he walked out really quickly without waiting for my reaction.

I had it framed--this was the picture I took when I picked it up from the framer--and it is one of my favorite things in the entire world.

[abcd-adventures]

I am very much looking forward to today. The weather is going to be amazing, we have nowhere to go, and vacuuming is the only chore I really have left--it's not so terrible because B enjoys playing with me while I vacuum. It's also fresh sheets day; I LOVE fresh sheets day! The husband is participating in a chili cook off at work tomorrow, so he'll be occupied making chili all afternoon, so one of my friends is coming over so we can walk and catch up. Then, I get to come home and have chili that I didn't have to cook! :) Tonight, I'm making white chocolate macadamia nut cookies for home and work, and there will be a new True Detective episode. I'm also determined to do some yoga and find a few minutes to read our book club book--it's Wellness by Nathan Hill and it is loooong.

I'm really trying to be a better book club member this year. I think I read exactly one of our book club books last year...I offered to step back from the book club, but was also very grateful that idea was heartily rejected. Still...for years I always read the books and I would like to do at least a bit better this year. I used to read all the time, and it's harder to find that time now, and when I do have that time it's harder to dedicate it to reading a book that maybe wouldn't be my first choice when I have tons of books I'm dying to read. But, so far Wellness is pretty good, and I do remember enjoying The Nix despite it also being longer than it needed to be.

#boring post is boring

[abcd-adventures]

I was still feeling AWFUL about the whole cemetery debacle on Friday, so I stopped by my work and checked in with my client. He told me he felt like I was more upset than he was, and I needed to let it go. 🙃 He said that he was overall happy we'd gone, and we found the grave site, and he was so glad I went with him because he said that if I hadn't been there he would have left and then would have regretted it. He pretty much counseled me...😂. He was like, "I know you really had an idea in your mind about what Thursday was supposed to be like, but life doesn't work like that. We can go back. I promise you'll get to make me talk about my feelings another time. I know how much you fucking love that shit." 🤦🏼‍♀️😂😂😂

#he's not wrong #I do not deserve how wonderful my people are but I'm grateful for them all the time

[abcd-adventures]

Ahhh, the romance of 18+ years. 😂😂😂 Damn good start to the morning.

#married life